SUDDENLY...A HAND COMES OUT OF THE GRAVE OF YOUR DEAD AND DEFILED FAKE SISTER.

Ha ha ha, so, um, HI. We haven't blogged in AWHILE. We've been, um, busy. I got married and then got pregnant and then had a miscarriage. Mame got divorced and has a new beau. But we're fine! We just started doing other things and let our blog sadly fade.

BUT THEN, THEY STARTED MAKING A BUNCH OF V.C. ANDREWS MOVIES. FUCK YEAH CAPSLOCK!!!

Texts between Mame and myself today:

Me: THEY'RE MAKING A MY SWEET AUDRINA MOVIE!!!

Mame: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! BECAUSE IF YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME, IT'S NOT FUNNY.

Me: No. Totally serious. And If There Be Thorns and Seeds of Yesterday.

Me: I...think we need to revive the blog.

Mame: I think you're damn right.

Me: This is one of the best days of my life.

Mame:  Life is good, old friend. Damn good.

Me: We live in exciting times.

Sooo...we're going to try to be back! Honestly, a lot of my blogging energy goes into other forms of social media like Tumblr and Twitter, but I do miss this blog. And it's like the universe is BEGGING us to start writing about incest and ballet and revenge again! See you soon, maybe?

Back to Normal

My 6 year-old is freaking obsessed with Jimmy Fallon's ap for my iPhone. Basically it's an alarm clock that wakes you up with a 'phone call' from Jimmy. You choose what silly message he'll say and what ringtone he'll use to call you. Little Man just likes to play the various choices while we drive places and cackle. He's also now asked that I only use Jimmy's voice to wake him up in the morning.
His favorite? Jimmy Fallon yelling, "IT'S TIME TO CHURN THE BUTTERMILK!!!" Yeah, he's definitely my kid.

The Rare Serious Post

"One owes respect to the living. To the dead, one owes only the truth." -Voltaire

This is all true.

Several weeks ago, on a Tuesday, my father died. Before you get all sympathetic and kind and start making with the internet hugs, I was estranged from my father, who was an abusive alcoholic. I hadn't seen him in 15 years (not since I was 17) and hadn't spoken to him in more than 8 years.

See how I do that? I don't want your sympathy and kindness because I don't feel like I deserve it. I had to stop myself when dealing with the doctors at the hospital from telling them not to waste their time and bedside manner on me, I'm FINE. Just make with the end-of-life options and skip the hand-holding, ok? I'm not a daughter, grieving the loss of her father. I'm angry and beleagured and bitter, going through the motions and trying to make things as simple and straightforward as possible.

None of this is simple and straightforward though, is it? I'm both the grieving child AND the put-upon distant relative, aren't I? Maybe one more than the other. But the ratio of one to the other is constantly changing. Sometimes from minute to minute.

When nosy people would ask why I didn't see my father (And note to nosy people: unless you are very, very close to someone? This is none of your fucking business. It will probably become clear from the context at some point if you hang out with them long enough. And if you bug the person enough times, they'll probably stop hanging out with you at all because you're an asshole. And I know normal people reading this are like, "What are you talking about? Who would do that?" People do. Trust me), I would usually say, "Because he sucks" and change the subject. But that wasn't always the case.

When my brother and I were little, my father was an ok dad. At least, he seemed ok to his kids, who I don't think really analyze that kind of thing. He would play with us, read to us, make up stupid songs about poop to the tune of Christmas carols, build forts in the living room with cardboard boxes and blankets, let us eat candy bars for dinner when my mom wasn't home, let us sit in his lap and "help" him drive, and would play a much-loved game where he would swerve the car around all crazy called "Drunk Driver."

Oops. That's getting into the not-so-great stuff. But you know what? The bad stuff is easier to remember. It's the good stuff he did that I can't bear to think about. The fond memories, like when I was very little and we were walking around somewhere and I would hold his thumb because his hands were too big for me to comfortably hold them, that chew at me and make me incredibly angry. Because my father could never overcome his demons, stop drinking, stop abusing the people in his life, act like a productive human being. He might have tried, but it didn't seem like.

My father was not a man, apparently, who believed in sparing his children anything. In a lot of ways, his death was no different. It was messy and inconvenient and painful. My last duty as his daughter was to handle the disposal of his body, the donation of his organs, filling in the information on his death certificate. I wouldn't have necessarily called it ahead of time, but all of these final duties were incredibly painful. The kind of thing that while you're doing them, you're thinking, "Man. That's gonna leave a mark."

I hope he's at peace, finally. I really do. His life was not peaceful, both of his own doing and from circumstances outside of his control, much of it things that I will never know.

Almost a month has passed since all this happened. I wrote a lot of this blog entry the week he died, while this stuff was still fresh in my mind. As with anyone's life, a lot has happened since then. My anger and pain are starting to move into the background. My grief mostly consists of regret and wistfulness for things that, barring a time machine, will never be. My father's ashes are sitting in a green box in the laundry room until we decide what to do with them. (I don't think anyone would mistake them for Tide, so don't worry about that. We use high efficiency liquid detergents anyway.) He always liked this poem, so I guess that's as good an epitaph as any. I never cared for Emily Dickinson's poetry much, but hey. That seems appropriate too.

What Is Bea Watching This Television Season?

...Because I know you were all wondering. It's the question on everyone's (no one's) minds! Believe it or not, I don't feel like I watch a lot of television. I despise having shows meted out to me on a weekly basis and then pulled for months at a time. IT ANNOYS ME A LOT. I really prefer to mainline a show on DVD, but then I miss out on discussing it with with everyone else and reading reviews and articles, etc.

Returning Shows

• The Walking Dead. Dude. Zombies. Come on. I agree with everyone else who says that season one had an pretty awesome pilot and then the rest...kinda...sucked? It was very uneven. There were parts that were cool (the zombie attack on the camp, the showdown at the CDC) and parts that sucked (Um. The rest), but I was still curious enough to pop in for season two. It's better that the first season. I know that seems like faint praise, but it really is better. Some of the existing problems from season one are still around, like the pacing issues (Either kill Sophia off or fucking find her. LIKE, YESTERDAY), they still don't really know how to handle the Lori/Shane/Rick triangle (Lori and Shane need to come clean - they aren't really at fault, they truly thought Rick was dead and who could blame them - and then they have a threeway relationship. Shit. It's the zombie apocalypse. Have a threeway. Who cares?), and I still don't feel like they've really found their own internal logic and rules for their particular zombie apocalypse. They sure don't treat it like a biological contagion, what with everyone unconcernedly getting zombie goo on them all the time, but it's clearly communicable through bites, so what the fuck? SO. ANYWAY. The Walking Dead: better than last season, for real. The Shane twist was pretty great and I'm hoping it gets that character (who has potential and I like the actor) out of that rut (PUN SO INTENDED) that he's been in. The show needs to figure out some cool shit to do with Glenn, and either do something with Andrea or kill her off. While she's got a point re: Dale's paternalism, her incessant whinging about it drives me crazy. (The show, in general, kind of doesn't know what do with women. Are there any women on that writing staff? If not, fucking hire some.) Of course, I also watch The Talking Dead, because I love Chris Hardwick.
  
• Criminal Minds. I slacked off last season because the firing of 66.6666667% of the female cast members REALLY pissed me off. And apparently it pissed everyone else off because, OH LOOK! They brought Emily and JJ back because the most important thing about this show is the chemistry of the cast! Imagine that! So, I'm back. Spencer Reid is still pretty.
• Sons of Anarchy. Oh God, I hated the Ireland story last season SO MUCH. I, um, didn't watch the last three or so episodes because it was so painfully annoying. It's better this season. (Sensing a theme? Heh.)
• Community. I'm not a regular watcher. I pop in from time to time, mostly to see if Joel McHale will take his shirt off or if a piano will fall on Chevy Chase. ...What?

New (To Me) Shows

• Parks & Recreation. Oh, this is such a gem of a show, you guys. I love it! It's so...good-natured. Every time I wait for it to get awkward and cringe-inducing (like The Office), it almost never does! I love all the characters SO much. Leslie Knope! Is there another character like her on television? AND I LOVE RON SWANSON. RON. I AM DARK-HAIRED AND NOT-ENTIRELY-UNATTRACTIVE AND CAN PREPARE YOU BREAKFAST FOODS!!! MARRY ME.

New Shows

• Homeland. This is a really, really great show. Damian Lewis and Claire Danes are AMAZING in their roles and the supporting cast is awesome too. I like how unflinching and harsh it is. I love that I'm never entirely sure what's going on, who I can believe, if I can ever accept what I see in flashbacks. So. Great.
  
• American Horror Story. It's...just..so...INCREDIBLY BATSHIT B-A-N-A-N-A-S INDULGENTLY CRAZY. And I love that about it. I know a lot of people were put off by the pilot (and I don't entirely blame them) but I was strangely flattered by how over-the-top it was. "Aw, show! You really want me to like you! It's like a first date and you've brought flowers AND candy AND perfume! Aww. You've thrown dead babies, adultery, bare asses, a guy in a shiny gimp suit, Dead!Fake!Weasley twins, and Jessica Lange acting like she's a lost Tennessee Williams heroine. You get another episode!" I love Lange, Connie Britton, Taissa Farmiga and the kid who plays Tate. It's not...good, but BOY, is it entertaining. Do I think it's going to crash and burn? Probably. But it sure is fun while it lasts.
  
• Revenge. I do really like Revenge but it's up against about a million other things. I usually catch up with it on Hulu. It's everything that Ringer SHOULD be, but isn't: super-fun and soapy and trashy.
  

Shows That I Have Broken Up With

• Glee. I would probably keep watching Glee if they ONLY sang and danced. I realized that I found every character (Except for Kurt and Blaine) hugely annoying anytime they actually spoke.
• Supernatural. This was awhile ago, but ugh. I just got sick of its bullshit.
  
• True Blood. The show that I want it to be is not the show that it is. And the show that it is isn't one I'm really very interested in watching.
• Dexter. I still really like this show, I just got too far behind (I missed all of last season). Maybe I'll catch up on DVD.
  
• Ringer. I only lasted two episodes. Sorry, Sarah Michelle Gellar. I love you, but I kind of hated this show.
  

Shows I Intend To Keep Watching

• The Wire. SOMEDAY, YOU GUYS. I have to get through seasons four and five.
• Fringe. I tried to jump into season four, not having watched season three. And. Um. No. Not possible. I'm DVRing season four to watch after I grab the last season on DVD.
• Sherlock. WHEN WILL I GET MORE? I neeeed it, you guys.
  
• Game of Thrones. Though the second season should be called A Clash of Kings. /pedant
• Breaking Bad. I'm hoping to use the year's hiatus before the final season to catch up on the whole thing.
  
• Mad Men. Whenever it comes back.
  

What are you watching this season? What are you NOT watching?

The Annotated Sausage and Rice Soup Recipe

I like food. I like to eat food. And sometimes, I like to make food. I can cook. I'm not a super-awesome cook (my mom is, though). I'm more of a baker than a cook, but cooking is more useful than baking. I mean, you CAN eat peanut butter cookies for dinner, but you SHOULDN'T. I'm always confused by people who say they can't cook. I'm one of those people who's like, "Um. Can you read? Because if you can read a recipe, you can follow it." Chances are, you'll turn out something eat-able.

I like soup. Especially in the fall and winter. You probably do, too. So, read this recipe that I mostly made up! I don't measure things, really, so don't expect me to tell you to add 1 cup or 1 tablespoon of something. It won't matter so if you like a lot of something, add more. If you don't like it, add less or not at all.

Ingredients:
1 quart of chicken stock
1 can diced tomatoes
1 can tomato sauce (not spaghetti sauce)
1 can white (cannelini) beans

Carrots
Celery
Onion
Minced garlic (I'm lazy and buy a jar of minced garlic. If you're a better person than me, mince some up fresh!)

Rice (I use those boil-in-a-bag-things. I find rice...challenging.)

4 (or however much) patties (or actual sausages, cut the casing and squeeze out the sausage. This is actually really fun!) of Italian sausage (I used sweet but it's entirely up to you. If you live on the wild side, use hot!)

All seasonings are subject to change. Add whatever sounds good.
Oregano
Seasoned salt
Black pepper
Bay leaf
Crushed red pepper
Fresh herbs would be really good. If you have some fresh basil or oregano, chop some up! Just not cilantro. I fucking hate cilantro.

Directions:
Brown sausage, breaking into teeny pieces

Chop vegetables, put a little water on them and toss in microwave for a few minutes to soften them up (this isn't required. It just makes it cook faster). Coat bottom of large pot with olive oil, add vegetables and some minced garlic. Cook until onions start to look translucent. Add stock, tomato sauce and a can or two of water. Rinse white beans and add. Add sausage. Add seasonings. (I don't measure, so add until it looks right.) Bring to a boil and then simmer for 45 minutes or so. Cook rice according to package instructions. Drain and add rice to soup. Simmer for awhile longer. Remove bay leaf.

Eat with grated cheese and bread.

If storing, cool for no more than two hours and then refrigerate or freeze.

• The soup will be fairly zippy and spicy. The spiciness will mellow by the next day.
• I cook the sausage and rice separately for the following reasons: 1. I'm too much of a food safety ninny to add raw meat to soup 2. Cooking the rice in the soup would sop up all the broth and make it taste all starchy.
  
• This is a really good base for soups. You could add tortellinis and a handful of baby spinach for tortellini soup. You could add different vegetables for minestrone, or pasta for pasta fagioli.
  
• If you're a vegetarian, you could certainly use vegetable broth and soy sausage (they have that, right?). Whatever. I'm not the boss of you.
• I always, always, always forget to remove the bay leaf. I should start handing out a prize for whoever gets the bay leaf in their bowl of soup.