FITA Revealed...Or, after 2 years it's about time

Kevin Smith once said that the characters he writes into his stories and scripts are the kinds he wishes he had in the real world: they talk in long soliloquies, and they have a vast knowledge of pop culture. If I were to create the world I wish I lived in, it would be written much like that of the infamous VC Andrews book, Flowers in the Attic. Movements would be “spin around with their legs flashing through a thin negligee.” There would be face-cupping and the swelling of “rigid male sex”. Teenage girls will wish for things like, "Let me have all those swelling curves that men desire." Every breath would be “aghast” and every uncle would be fucking hot.
Wait. Is that weird?

In my world, however, the protagonist wouldn’t be quite so whiney. Catherine Dollanganger (Cathy - the narrator) had a hard life I’ll give her that, but her gratuitous use of the word “daddy” when referencing her father, and her constant complaining about everything anyone does good for her makes me want to Chuck-Norris-Kick her most of the time.

We all know the story: Cathy and her siblings get locked in an attic because her Mother is an fucking retard and presumably doesn’t understand math, so when their father dies she decides to move in with her emotionally and physically abusive, albeit rich, parents.

If I were Cathy and Momma told me of this plan, I would have had the common sense to argue the following points:

• Problem number one: the grandparents live in a house called “Foxworth Hall.” Nothing good has EVER happened in a house with a name that ends in “Hall.” Or “Manor” for that matter. Nothing. Ok, maybe Toad Hall.
• Problem number two: Cathy has NEVER heard of grandparents then all of a sudden they are off to not just visit but live there? Really?
• Problem number three: The kids are told that they have to ‘hide’ in the house because old granddad is sick. Really Mom? Hide in the attic? How ‘bout you just scrub up and start flipping some damn burgers at McDonalds? Oh I get it. You’re too good for that. But you aren’t too good to f your uncle, have his kids, lock them in your parents’ house, and then slowly starve and kill them off? Huh.

Now I understand that Cathy couldn't have foreseen quite all that, but still! -that’s what happens.

Did I mention that the grandmother, Olivia, announces that Cathy's parents, Corrine and Christopher, Sr., were really uncle and niece? Because she did. Then she calls the Cathy and her siblings (older brother Christopher, and the younger twin boy and girl) the "Devil’s Spawn" and pours tar into Cathy’s hair forcing her to cut it short and Christopher, Jr. to pee in it to loosen the tar. Hilarity!

So whatever, they spend a lot of time in the attic that adjoins their room. Now let’s talk about this attic. This attic isn’t like the crouch down split-level attic at my mother, Joan’s, place. No, this attic is an entire floor of treasures! What a happy coincidence, there is a school room up there! That’s not random at all! Oh and there’s a ballet barre, that’s not weird! Boxes of books? Check! Tons of decades old and not expired medical equipment, done! I should note here that I always thought that the attic never sounded so bad, but then again, I’m a homebody by nature. They decorate the attic with paper flowers – hence the name of the book, and Cathy teaches the twins to read and write. They put an old mattress on the roof so they can tan and the twins can get the sunshine they need, and – oh yeah – so Chris and Cathy could totally get it on.

What? The brother and sister? Yes, gentle readers. See, the years pass and Cathy and Chris were teenagers (I don’t think that word ONE is given to how she deals with her womanly curse, but I may be mistaken). Anyway, they begin to develop sexual feelings towards one another. Well, mainly Chris does for Cathy, but she confesses that she would watch him change and even at one point measure his unit. Nice. Chris just loves, loves, loves Cathy but she keeps saying that they must really be the devil’s spawn if they feel this way. That’s right, Cathy, you are!! Long story short, one night he rapes her on the mattress they kept on the roof for sun. It’s not really rape, she is just very conflicted about whether this is what she wants or not.

Shortly thereafter, the mother successfully kills one of Cathy’s younger siblings: a twin named Cory. This makes Carrie (his aforementioned twin sister) go a bit crazy and self destructive. This is the final straw for the threesome who begins to sneak out to steal items they can later pawn. I’ve never understood why they let it go this far.

I lived in a suburb of New Jersey and it felt so much like a deathtrap that I started sneaking out before I knew what to do once I did it. Cathy was literally in a deathtrap and it took her FOUR YEARS before she was like, “You know, we need to bust out.”The book ends with just that. Christopher, Cathy, and Carrie do indeed leave the house, catch a bus and decide to travel to Florida with the money and items they have taken with them. Cory is long dead and buried who knows where, Carrie is all emo and for good reason, Cathy is walking differently thanks to her brother’s “rigid male sex,” and Chris is sporting a Lancelot haircut.

*SIGH* Have I mentioned how much I freakin’ love this book?

I've figured it out!...or, how I am going to win your arguement against Obama as a president.

OK, my very good friend, and pen-pal Henry Rollins, once said, "Know your enemy. Listen to your enemy. Get to know them on a serious level, then you can figure out where they are coming from and why. Then you can break down their arguments on a more personal level."

That being said, I've figured out this entire Anti-Obama stance that some people in the USA are taking. Here are the top five arguments I've heard and my response to them:

Argument One:
I don't agree with his policies. The things he mentioned in the campaign, I don't agree with them!

Answer:
The president cannot fix/destroy taxes on his own, nor can he make changes to the constitution on his own. During the campaign (this one and all the others before it) candidates explain what they would do to fix certain things wrong with our country; however, a president cannot do anything alone. They need congress to back them up. I realize that we now have a Democratic congress and it will be easier for a Democratic president to get bills passed, etc. but the Equal Rights Amendment never did pass despite having a same sided-congress/executive branch. And that was the Equal Rights Amendment!!

Argument Two:
That preacher he hangs out with - he's a radical! And Obama won't renounce him!

Answer:
My father is a terrible racist. He's tried to overcome it, but he's from a different era, and has had a different view on things than I. But he's my father. He says things I don't agree with and does things that I can't understand. I can't renounce him -he gave me life, and provided for me. He's not perfect, but I'm certainly not going to condemn him in public.
Obama didn't have a father, and this man brought him to Christ. As a Christian the person who is with you when you finally make the decision to turn your life over to Christ is a mentor, a father-figure. He says things that Obama says that he doesn't agree with, but he can't renounce him or what he says. I understand that.

Argument Three:
He's a Muslim! His middle name is Hussein!!

Answer:
He's not. We can see his taxes (thank you, Freedom of Information Act) and we see that he tithes regularly to the aforementioned church. Also, if he WAS a Muslim (which he is not) we have a freedom of religion just as important as our right to bear arms.
And as far as Hussein...it's a name. It means "good" or "beautiful" and is a very popular and common name. During the 1940's, the most popular name in Europe (and widely used in the US as well) was Adolf. We can't help what people who have our name do.

Argument Four:
He's the anti-Christ! It's been predicted in the Bible!

Answer:
OK, it's been awhile since I took my religion classes in college, but I took my first one in spring of 2000. There was a lot of talk that the end of the world was predicted in the year 2000. So we talked about the various predictions in the Bible and if I remember accurately: 1 John chapter 2 refers to many Antichrists present at the time while warning of one Antichrist that is coming. The "many Antichrists" belong to the same spirit as that of the one Antichrist. John wrote that such Antichrists deny "that Jesus is the Christ", "the Father and the Son", and would "not confess Jesus came in the flesh." Likewise, the one Antichrist denies the Father and the Son.
This one Antichrist is spoken of in more detail by Paul in 2 Thessalonians chapter 2. Paul uses the term man of sin to describe what John identifies as the Antichrist. Paul writes that this Man of Sin (sometimes translated son of perdition) will possess a number of characteristics. These include "sitting in the temple", opposing himself against anything that is worshiped, claiming divine authority, working all kinds of counterfeit miracles and signs, and doing all kinds of evil. Daniel 11:36-37 speaks of a self exalting king, considered by some to be the Antichrist.
OK, after all that: even if he is, there isn't anything we can do about it. But I seriously doubt that an elected official of a not even three-hundred year old country is anything of the sort.

Argument Five:
He has no experience!! How can he run our country with no experience?!!

Answer:
George Washington had no experience either. He only knew his farm and the battle ground. But he led our country during its formative years. Neither did James Madison, John Q. Adams, Abraham Lincoln, or JFK (among others). The beauty of our country is that you don't have to have executive experience to be elected. That means that anyone can be president...anyone!! Isn't that wonderful?

God I love being American.

Holy Shit I'm a Republican?!

OK, maybe not. But by textbook, most of my views are considered very conservative.
In my line of work (molding young minds, squelching their ideals, and the like) I'm asked quite often about my view on today's politics. I usually meander my way away from such questions, but it's been very hard to these days.
Today, during a rather blah moment at work, I did some research regarding my politics and where I stand on what the media is calling today's "hot issues."

1. I want to be left the fuck alone. I do not the president of telling me what to do with my body nor my means of self-protection.
2. I don't want someone from New Hampshire telling me in West Virginia what to do, ever. I firmly believe that the governor should be more powerful than the senators, yet it doesn't seem so anymore. Things like the death penalty, environmental issues, and education should always be a state's decision; the federal government has no right to interfere.
3. The welfare system, social security, and medicare/Medicaid are failing. No, they have failed. There is no fixing them. They need to be completely re hauled and a better system put in place. A country is only as good as how they treat their poor and their elderly. By these standards America is a third-world nation.
4. Freedom of speech was so important that it is listed in the FIRST AMENDMENT of the Bill of Rights. So is religion. I think that the greatest, most wonderful thing about my country is that I don't have to agree with you, but I am proud that we have the freedom to disagree.
5. This whole immigration thing? My great-grandparents were immigrants. There is nothing wrong with anyone, of any class, of any nation to come to America. The problem is that we have created so much red tape and nonsense that only the elite and rich can legally come. I've taught illegal immigrants and spoken at great length with their parents; they would gladly pay into our social security and tax system if they could stay. Why not make them? Don't send them back, don't put up a damn fence (idiots), just help them to become legal, and let them pay into our system.
6. Health care in America and Lobbyists go hand in hand; because of this, America will never have a universal health care OR campaign reform.

I love my country. I love the ideals that my country was founded on. I can't stand what we have become. I can't stand that while American soldiers are dying around the world to protect our freedoms, over 80% of Americans can't point out where the soldiers are on a map. I can't stand that our leadership is so corrupted that they can't see beyond their own cattle ranch.

OK, I'm done now.

Upcoming: Iron Man

Mame and I are going to blog about Iron Man. We have very strong opinions about this movie and comic book adaptations in general. And about Robert Downey Jr.* And about Tony Stark and Pepper Potts. If you know what we mean. And we think you do. It'll probably go up this weekend. Sooner if we get bored-er.


*Seriously, how is Robert Downey Jr. so awesome? Has he always been this awesome? Keep in mind, I have not seen Chaplin. It may have always been there. Or did he earn said awesome in rehab? Did the source material of Iron Man nurture his awesomeness? Is it all Stan Lee? Or was it a Christmas gift from Jon Favreau? Can we expect continued awesomeosity from him in future projects? Discuss.

Danielle Steele Hearts The Nazis

I wish that the title of this weren't true; alas, it is. The "proof is in the pudding" as they say. In the next two blogs bea and myself will be writing book reviews of two of Ms. Steele's most famous books, Jewels and The Ring both of which involve a steamy love affair with an affluent Nazi. Seriously. Why doesn't she just title one of her books Mein Kampf and get it over with? Anyway.
Enjoy the next two blogs as soon as they are put up.

Hey Bea! Hey come here, shut the door. Look I made cookies! OK, sit down. We need to talk.

Dear Bea,

I wanted to write you this letter to inform you that if you do not get help today I will close out my half of the blog.

When we first decided to create a blog together, we discussed topics like the 34th Anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, you reviewd the movie Children of Men, and the state of our country's educational system.

When you went decided that every aspect of our real identities needed to be hidden because you saw that one Lifetime Made-For-TV-movie about stalkers, I understood. In fact, you chose a name based on Shakespeare. SHAKESPEARE BEA!! But now, now I feel like I don't even know you. Your entries on Friday Night Lights, My Chemical Romance, and Supernatural are starting to worry me. I guess I should have noticed the signs when you wrote that entry about Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry. But, to be honest, I liked that song a lot too.

At first, sure I thought it was funny. It was fun - I even wrote a little about Lindsay Lohan. But then you started prattling on about The Golden Compass and then the writer's strike happened and it seems you've plunged deeply into this, this place that I can't seem to pull you out of.
We used to write one or two blogs about our silly ways, but we peppered each entry with witty Dennis-Miller-esc comments that seemed to us to be so far above the average blogger's intelligence. Remember that, Bea? Remember when we used to be unique?

I am doing this because I love you. Because I love this blog. Because I am afraid that one day I will wake up to a blog entry written about "How Cool the VC Andrews Broken Flower Books Are." Do you know that thought keeps me up some nights? The idea of my brainy, clumsy, Lisa Loeb glasses wearing friend will start enjoying the ghost writer that has claimed our beloved VC Andrews style?

I am writing this to you today, Lady Bea, to ask you to get help. Will you get help?

Angelina Jolie Point/Counterpoint

Auntie Mame:

I hate Angelina Jolie.
Ugh.

For a myriad of reasons I am annoyed by her and the characters she chooses to portray on the 'big screen.' I'll even go so far as to say that I hate every movie she has been in; well, except for Girl, Interrupted, but to be fair, I hated her character in that movie (I suppose that was the point however). I mean, c'mon have you ever seen Gia? Oh or how about her playing Colin Farrell's mother in Alexander? Yeah, great accent. She should have just done the Kevin-Costner-in-Robin-Hood-Route and not used one at all. At least then I could have dealt with her piss-poor performance.

Oh and stop complaining about the paparazzi. I'm sick and tired about how she hates her father and never shuts up about it. No matter how she spins it, she has always led a life of luxury whether Daddy gave her enough hugs or not. I understand that Dad left and her mom had a hard time dealing with men, but calm down. You went to the best schools, lived in the best houses, you weren't exactly living in an apartment on the Delaware River, New Jersey side.

Oh and don't get me started about this, "I hate the media, but take my picture anyway" attitude of hers. She creates a media frenzy to promote her newest picture; fine, that's the business, but all her complaints piss me off. When you eat at places like Mr. Chow's in West Hollywood, you are going to be seen by the cameras; you know it, I know you know it, it's part of your job. If you don't want to be part of the "Hollywood Scene" and you don't want your children to grow up cross-eyed because of the flashbulbs then move your skinny ass out to Montanta like Demi and Bruce did. THAT'S RIGHT I just compared her to Demi Moore. That's how much I hate her. There are places in this country that you can live and not have US magazine going through your trash. Don't talk that you have to be in Hollywood for your job, you're big enough they will come to you.

"Oh, but Mame she does such good things for the world. Look at her Mia-Farrow-esque-Rainbow-Coalition of children." The world is starving, I know that. We all know that. But you know what else I know? I know that there are poor kids here in America that can use her help. I don't see a Brad and Angelina low-rent apartment complex going up in Harlem, do you? Sorry bitch, there are kids starving outside your door. Adopt one of them. Notice she's not running out and adopting a little crack-addicted, baby of a 13 year old mother from the US? Apparently she's all political now, so she should know how screwed up our system is. Use your money over here and help.

Ok, I'm done now. Let me sum it up: she's a piss poor actress, a photo-loving hypocrite, and someone who is blind to the needs of her own country, hell STATE, yet is willing to help overseas. Ugh, so whatever.

"Lady" Bea reacts and over-reacts (heh):

Ok, so, Mame and I were arguing over the awesomeness/suckiness of Angelina Jolie and I was like, "Dude. That's our next blog." And she was all, "DONE."

I like Angelina Jolie. I like her a lot. I wouldn't say she's one of my favorite actresses or anything; her mere presence in a movie does NOT make me run out and see it, but it doesn't deter me either. Although, as I was thinking about this blog entry and what I was going to write, I realized I haven't seen THAT many of her movies. Especially her "big" movies. I have NOT seen (and probably won't because my reasons for ignoring them are valid): Tomb Raider (although I did watch bits of Tomb Raider 2 because of certain Gerard Butler issues that I've mostly resolved), Pushing Tin, The Bone Collector, Gone in 60 Seconds (which I TRIED to watch for Christopher Eccleston, but I just couldn't do it. Sorry Chris!), Shark Tale, Sky Captain or Alexander. I also have NO intention of seeing Beowulf: 1. Because I fucking loath Beowulf. 2. Because the soulless, dead eyes of CGI people horrify me.

But, of the movies of hers I HAVE seen, I LOVE them. And I love her in them. For example:

• Hackers; I know deep down that it's not really a good movie. I don't care. I bought it from the $5.99 Walmart bin and it's worth every penny. I probably would have gone up as far as $9.99 for it! Heh. Everyone in it is really cute and wearing tight, shiny clothes and doing weird shit with computers. It's a great hungover/home sick movie.
• Girl, Interrupted; Angelina is AWESOME in this movie. God, the scene where she just takes that girl Daisy apart and the horrible look of triumph on her face...DAMN. And also the exchange where she's holding a pen to her throat and threatens to "jam it in [her] aorta" and is told that her aorta is in her chest. "Good to know!" Heh. Cracks me up.
• Playing by Heart; I passionately love BITS of this movie. When I watch it, I fast-forward through any scenes (until the end) that aren't about these couples: Gillian Anderson/Jon Stewart, Gena Rowlands/Sean Connery and Angelina Jolie/Ryan Phillippe. I am brutally indifferent to all the other characters and storylines. But I ADORE Angelina's Joan. She's such a fun character and has such great lines. I love when she's melting down on the phone with one of her sisters and you only hear Joan's end of the conversation. At one point, Joan pulls the phone away and gives it this HILARIOUS, annoyed look and says, "I don't KNOW. Why is YOUR life so FUCKING SIMPLE?" HA. You wouldn't think that Angelina and Ryan Phillippe, of all people, would have such good chemistry, but they do. They're great together. And this bit of dialogue: Keegan (Ryan's character): What did I ever do to deserve you? Joan: Usually, that line is SCREAMED at me by someone running out the door, not by someone standing in front of me and staying. It makes for a nice change. Aw.
• Mr. and Mrs. Smith; So many people hate this movie and I just don't know why. It's funny, good action, Vince Vaughn and Adam Brody are HILARIOUS in it and Angelina and Brad Pitt have smokin' chemistry. If you've not seen it because you've heard it sucks, give it a try. It's a good time.

So, yeah, I like her acting. Her personal life entertains me. Her daddy issues kind of delight me. And she always LOOKS GREAT. I've seriously never seen a bad picture of Angelina Jolie. Dressed up in formal wear? Gorgeous. Wearing jeans with 5 kids hanging off of her? Gorgeous. Wearing an eye patch? Still gorgeous. Bitch. Heh. You never seen her dragging into Starbucks looking like a homeless alcoholic. It always annoys the SHIT out of me when I see famous people doing that. Hey Olsen twins? Before I run to the grocery store, I brush my damn hair and wear clean clothes. And NO ONE is taking my picture. GOD. It's called "not being gross and/or unhygienic." Look into it. 'k?

And I don't care how many kids Angelina Jolie adopts and from where. She's talked very touchingly (I think) about her decision to adopt her first kid. She seems sincere to me. She's not OBVIOUSLY a bad mother. She and Brad look cute together. She had a really entertaining and interesting Inside the Actor's Studio, where she totally threw James Lipton for a loop a couple of times. Heh, he's such a pretentious ass, it was hilarious. Also, I've never liked Jennifer Aniston much. So, I'll be over here, wearing my Team Jolie shirt, watching Playing by Heart. Again.

The Two Sides of Lindsay Lohan...or one of the few things that Bea and Mame don't agree on.

So, as the first in Mame's and my Point/Counterpoint Series, (or whatever we're going to call it when someone -- probably her-- thinks up a better name!): Lindsey Lohan: Talented Trainwreck or Waste of Precious Oxygen and Even More Precious Celebrity Gossip?

Bea Says:
Oh my GOD, you guys. So, it's been awhile, my computer had herpes or something, now it's all better. Whatever. Apparently, while I was visiting STD clinics with my laptop, Lindsey Lohan got herself all arrested for like, a DUI or something. Huh. Didn't see that coming. No, not at aaaall. Clearly, I'm not going to defend the DUI. That's indefensible and totally assy. And something I will never understand. If...you're RICH AND FAMOUS, can't you afford to PAY someone to drive you around? Why would you get all ripshit and then drive to Jamba Juice when you can get all ripshit and make your minions drive you to Jamba Juice? (A side note: Mmmm...Jamba Juice.) I digress.

But, I like Lindsey Lohan. There. I said it. I think she's cute and talented. She's got some serious problems, but you know who else does? Robert Downey Jr. I mean, who would have thought he'd still have a career? But he totally does. And he rocked the hell out of his role in Good Night and Good Luck. LOVE that guy. ANYWAY.

Remember how good she was in The Parent Trap? Shut up, a friend made me watch it in college. But it's cute! And she's really cute in it! And she was REALLY good in Freaky Friday! I love that movie! I don't care who knows it! And she does a really great job of acting like Jamie Lee Curtis. Make of that what you will.

And then we have Mean Girls. Who doesn't love Mean Girls? It's so funny! Sure, Lindsey isn't the only great thing about it; you've got the whole written-by-Tina-Fey-thing and Rachel McAdam is in it and I kind of love her and Tim Meadows and okay, the whole supporting cast rocks, including Dead Lilly Kane from Veronica Mars. But it's a great movie and Lindsey is great in it.

I haven't seen Prairie Home Companion yet, but I will and I'm not seeing Georgia Rule because I have Jane Fonda issues and I totally can't WAIT to rent I Know Who Killed Me and mock it with my brother because you KNOW that shit is going to be terrible. So, I'll keep you posted on all that.

And come on, you know Lindsey's "Daughter to Father" video was totally awesome in that "HOLY CRAP, is THAT some overwrought shit" kind of way. But anyway, my point here is...wait. What WAS my point? Somehow this post became less about Lindsey Lohan and more about my terrible taste in movies... Oh yeah. She's talented and maybe rehab will be good for her. And she can do a decent movie. No more crappy thrillers. And by a quick visit to IMDB, that looks like what she's got on deck next. No, no, NO. She needs to do a cute romantic comedy! Or a smart comedy! Something with "comedy" in it. Girl's got good timing. Her SNL appearances have been good. Not as good as Justin "Dick in a Box" Timberlake's, but still, I'm pulling for her!
Because seriously? She's not ONE TENTH as annoying as Hilary freakin' Duff. Ugh. HATE her.

Auntie Mame Says:
I hate Lindsay Lohan. Seriously, I hate her. There is no reason for her to get as much attention as she does; the fact that she had two fun movies when she was a tweener is no excuse for her to think that she deserves a career now. Saying that she was ‘good in that new movie The Parent Trap’ is like saying that Steve Augeri is great in ‘that new group Journey’: there was an original and you neither forget nor fuck with the original.

As for her performance in Mean Girls: the book that the movie is based on Queen Bees and Wannabes was so good, you could have put my left ass cheek in it and it would have been good, saying nothing for the amazing performances of the supporting cast.

Lindsay needs to go away. For good. It all started when she was quoted as saying, “College can wait, it isn’t that important anyway.” She’s not in touch with the real world. Well, who can blame her: look who she comes from. Ugh, her mother. Dina Lohan reminds me of someone with a freakishly similar name: Dana Plato; not in touch with reality, a little too coked out, and a little too sure that she ‘deserves’ her fame. I agree with Bea that Lindsay's music (if you can call it that) video was terrific, but come on, if you are going to air your dirty laundry out in the open, don’t get pissed when someone looks at it. “Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.” Fuck off, please respect my ears and eyes and go away. Why am I the only one who gets annoyed by stars who say they want their privacy then go out to purposely get seen and photographed by paparazzi? I believe that by now if the paparazzi did leave her alone, she would have no career at all.

Say whatever you will about Hillary Duff, she's a smart kid. She only goes out with her sister so someone can keep an eye on her if she does something stupid. Also, she doesn't really do the insane party until 3AM shit, and because of this she isn't in the paper every five minutes so even if she does screw up, we wouldn't know it.

I will not see a movie with Lindsay in it, except if she gets maimed or the sort. I get so annoyed because when the head of a major production company (Morgan Creek) tells you that you’re an unprofessional beotch, you had better listen and change your ways. When the [worst] of a famous Hollywood family (Jane Fonda) who is related to some of the best drunks we’ve had the privilege of reading about says you need to ‘calm down’ you’d better calm the f down!!

What ever happened to the old saying, “You’ll never work in this town again”?!