FITA Revealed...Or, after 2 years it's about time

Kevin Smith once said that the characters he writes into his stories and scripts are the kinds he wishes he had in the real world: they talk in long soliloquies, and they have a vast knowledge of pop culture. If I were to create the world I wish I lived in, it would be written much like that of the infamous VC Andrews book, Flowers in the Attic. Movements would be “spin around with their legs flashing through a thin negligee.” There would be face-cupping and the swelling of “rigid male sex”. Teenage girls will wish for things like, "Let me have all those swelling curves that men desire." Every breath would be “aghast” and every uncle would be fucking hot.
Wait. Is that weird?

In my world, however, the protagonist wouldn’t be quite so whiney. Catherine Dollanganger (Cathy - the narrator) had a hard life I’ll give her that, but her gratuitous use of the word “daddy” when referencing her father, and her constant complaining about everything anyone does good for her makes me want to Chuck-Norris-Kick her most of the time.

We all know the story: Cathy and her siblings get locked in an attic because her Mother is an fucking retard and presumably doesn’t understand math, so when their father dies she decides to move in with her emotionally and physically abusive, albeit rich, parents.

If I were Cathy and Momma told me of this plan, I would have had the common sense to argue the following points:

• Problem number one: the grandparents live in a house called “Foxworth Hall.” Nothing good has EVER happened in a house with a name that ends in “Hall.” Or “Manor” for that matter. Nothing. Ok, maybe Toad Hall.
• Problem number two: Cathy has NEVER heard of grandparents then all of a sudden they are off to not just visit but live there? Really?
• Problem number three: The kids are told that they have to ‘hide’ in the house because old granddad is sick. Really Mom? Hide in the attic? How ‘bout you just scrub up and start flipping some damn burgers at McDonalds? Oh I get it. You’re too good for that. But you aren’t too good to f your uncle, have his kids, lock them in your parents’ house, and then slowly starve and kill them off? Huh.

Now I understand that Cathy couldn't have foreseen quite all that, but still! -that’s what happens.

Did I mention that the grandmother, Olivia, announces that Cathy's parents, Corrine and Christopher, Sr., were really uncle and niece? Because she did. Then she calls the Cathy and her siblings (older brother Christopher, and the younger twin boy and girl) the "Devil’s Spawn" and pours tar into Cathy’s hair forcing her to cut it short and Christopher, Jr. to pee in it to loosen the tar. Hilarity!

So whatever, they spend a lot of time in the attic that adjoins their room. Now let’s talk about this attic. This attic isn’t like the crouch down split-level attic at my mother, Joan’s, place. No, this attic is an entire floor of treasures! What a happy coincidence, there is a school room up there! That’s not random at all! Oh and there’s a ballet barre, that’s not weird! Boxes of books? Check! Tons of decades old and not expired medical equipment, done! I should note here that I always thought that the attic never sounded so bad, but then again, I’m a homebody by nature. They decorate the attic with paper flowers – hence the name of the book, and Cathy teaches the twins to read and write. They put an old mattress on the roof so they can tan and the twins can get the sunshine they need, and – oh yeah – so Chris and Cathy could totally get it on.

What? The brother and sister? Yes, gentle readers. See, the years pass and Cathy and Chris were teenagers (I don’t think that word ONE is given to how she deals with her womanly curse, but I may be mistaken). Anyway, they begin to develop sexual feelings towards one another. Well, mainly Chris does for Cathy, but she confesses that she would watch him change and even at one point measure his unit. Nice. Chris just loves, loves, loves Cathy but she keeps saying that they must really be the devil’s spawn if they feel this way. That’s right, Cathy, you are!! Long story short, one night he rapes her on the mattress they kept on the roof for sun. It’s not really rape, she is just very conflicted about whether this is what she wants or not.

Shortly thereafter, the mother successfully kills one of Cathy’s younger siblings: a twin named Cory. This makes Carrie (his aforementioned twin sister) go a bit crazy and self destructive. This is the final straw for the threesome who begins to sneak out to steal items they can later pawn. I’ve never understood why they let it go this far.

I lived in a suburb of New Jersey and it felt so much like a deathtrap that I started sneaking out before I knew what to do once I did it. Cathy was literally in a deathtrap and it took her FOUR YEARS before she was like, “You know, we need to bust out.”The book ends with just that. Christopher, Cathy, and Carrie do indeed leave the house, catch a bus and decide to travel to Florida with the money and items they have taken with them. Cory is long dead and buried who knows where, Carrie is all emo and for good reason, Cathy is walking differently thanks to her brother’s “rigid male sex,” and Chris is sporting a Lancelot haircut.

*SIGH* Have I mentioned how much I freakin’ love this book?

Most Annoying VC Andrews Character? or...We're Ignoring Our Long Absence and Hoping You Will Too.

Get Us Started, Lady Bea:

It's a question for the ages, Dear Readers...who IS V.C. Andrews's most annoying heroine? I mean, there's so many...myriad snotty, incest-having, doormat-resembling, crazy bitches to choose from. Heaven, Cathy, Leigh, Ruby, Audrina, Carrie, Olivia, Christie, Annie...the list goes on and on. BUT. For my money? THE most irritating heroine is Dawn. The lead character of the Cutler series. HATE HER SO MUCH. I mean, it's fairly typical for Andrews's heroines to get all abused and face wacky obstacles, but Dawn is just so fucking whiny about it. Let's review, shall we? (Obviously, spoiler warnings abound.)

Dawn is the middle daughter of an itinerant, semi-trashy family with a sickly mom, an alcoholic dad, an angry brother, Jimmy and a baby sister, Fern. OR SO SHE THINKS. For reason that are rather murky, but further the plot so we'll let them go, her dad moves the family to Richmond, VA and sends his kids to a fancy private school. Naturally, Dawn and Jimmy are picked on by the rich kids and blah, blah, blah. Oh, and this boy Phillip Cutler, who's kind of a sexual predator, albeit a handsome one, sets his sights on our girl. So does his bitchy sister Clara Sue, but for other reasons. Namely, that she hates her and wants to destroy her. I kind of find myself rooting for Clara Sue, honestly. Oh yeah, and Dawn's all innocent and smart and perfect and has a beeeyooootiful singing voice. This will be semi-important later.

So, Dawn's mother dies and her dad get arrested for having kidnapped her from a rich family when she was a baby and guess what? She's Phillip and Clara Sue's sister! So, all those vehicular fumblings that she was engaged in after school with Phillip? Totally icky and pervy! And what does Dawn do? She cries and whines. And her new family mistreats her and makes her work as a chambermaid in their hotel. Heh. Jimmy runs away from his mean old foster family to visit her and he and Dawn MAKE OUT. Lovely. And after she MAKES OUT with her FAKE brother, her REAL brother rapes her. Clara Sue is awesomely mean to her some more. It turns out she's the result of an affair that her mother had with her FATHER-IN-LAW (Or maybe he raped Dawn's mother. Andrews changes her mind about that in a later book.) and her kidnapping was PLANNED. And when she confronts her evil grandmother, (MAN, does Andrews have some Grandmother Issues!) does she threaten to go public with the whole sordid tale, unless they treat her with some damn respect? NO. Does she tell them all to fuck off? NO. Whatever. The Grandmother agrees to ship Dawn off to some performing arts school in NY. (FAAAAAAAAAME! I wanna live FORE-EVER! Ahem. Sorry. It's not as fun as that. Trust me.)

When our not-so-intrepid heroine arrives at her dorm in NY, it turns out that the evil Grandmother has told the school that Dawn is a thieving, lying, stealing whore. I'm sorry; is that a problem? Oh, it is for Dawn, who bitches and moans constantly about it. Her roommate is cool and of COURSE, the other male student in the dorm FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER. Ugh. But no, Dawn is too busy ALMOST FUCKING her fake brother Jimmy when he comes to visit her from the Army. Um, Jimmy? Is making out with your underage fake sister really conduct becoming to a whatever in the military? I thought not! Oh, it gets better! Dawn then totally cheats on her almost-brother with her voice teacher and gets knocked up because apparently, it never occurred to her to use ANY kind of birth control. Seriously, it's NEVER mentioned. She's obnoxious and lies to everyone because she can't really admit that she's boning her teacher and makes up ridiculous stories about some guy named Alan. And enlists her cool roommate in "hiding" her pregnancy. Girl, please. Of course, the teacher totally ditches her, causing her to collapse dramatically in the streets of Manhattan. I'm pretty sure she gets hit by a taxi. Heh. Serves you right, you whiny bitch. Oh and then her uptight family ships her off to hide her shame. And guess what? She GOES and gets abused some more. Yawn. Oh, and then they sell off her baby. And she uncovers some crazy family secrets. Oh, and WHINES SOME FUCKING MORE.

Jimmy rescues her and forgives her for her cheating ways and HAVING SOME OTHER GUY'S KID. But since she's sort of his sister, I guess it's hard to get up on a high moral ground. So, Dawn gets her daughter Christie back and her grandmother dies and things are looking up. But DAWN HAS TO WHINE ABOUT HOW HARD HER LIFE HAS BEEN AND HOW COULD ANYTHING GOOD EVER HAPPEN TO HER?! Sigh. Clara Sue is hilariously evil and jealous and fucks up Dawn's shit whenever she gets the chance. She stuffs Christie in a laundry bin! She brings her trashy boyfriends to snooty family events! She literally kicks Dawn's ass! Which causes her to have a miscarriage, which isn't so awesome. But does Dawn have Clara Sue's crazy ass thrown in jail? NO. 'Cause she's a whiny bitch.

So, Dawn sucks. Lots. Sure, she's had a tough life, but she gets some good breaks too. True love, two (eventually) healthy kids, a nice career, friends that are WAY better than she deserves... Are they ever enough for her? NO. She whines and bitches and does a lot of speaking-through-tears. Luckily, she DIES. HA.

And now for Mame's rebuttal (heh..."butt"):

I love the entire catalogue that is Flowers in the Attic. I can’t help it. I have read and reread every line so many times that I have had to buy a different book because the old one has become too worn. All this being said, I must confess that when asked which heroine of the infamous VC Andrews annoys me the most I am forced to say that it is none other than Cathy Dollanganger herself.
I’M SORRY! But let’s be honest, Cathy is annoying as hell. Do I really need to break it down? I’m going to (of course) but do I really need to?
Let’s begin with her first ‘marriage’ to the good doctor Paul Scott Sheffield. Here’s a guy who she is worried has aborted a freakish baby of hers (PS Cathy, a D&C pretty much is an abortion, but whatever). Or how about the fact that her younger sister considers him her father? Yeah, that’s normal marry the man that your sister calls Dad.
Yeah, let’s talk about her relationship with her sister, Carrie. Carrie is bullied so horribly in her high school that she’s home schooled, and could probably really use a sister who has been through the horrible life with her. Where is Cathy however? Ah, too busy trying to fuck her way to the top as a ballerina.
Now, as for her second marriage to Julian, who cares? Not me, it was scandalous enough. But I do think it’s amusing that she names her son after his father but calls him “Jory” after his dead uncle. Yeah, that’s not crazy.
Now we can move onto Bart Winslow. Look, I can appreciate wanting revenge on the mother and grandmother who locked you up and ruined your childhood, but when you’re dressed as a ballerina, holding a whip, dancing around the naked ass of a stroke victim something in you has to go, “You know what? This is enough.” But not our Cathy! No, she does not think that this is enough. No, she’s not satisfied until she’s dressed up as her mother, pregnant with her step-father’s baby, has broken into the house during a Christmas party and incidentally sets the whole house on fire.
Still not on my side that Cathy is a crazy bitch? OK, how about the fact that not she sleeps for the last years of her life on her aforementioned mother’s bed. Why didn’t she take her two kids (three if you count the “neighbor’s kid Cindy” she adopted) and get the hell as far away from that world as possible?
Cathy sort of redeems herself in the last novel Seeds of Yesterday, but she still stays around the scary house that eerily resembles the house she was locked in. Seriously? I refuse to hang around my childhood home for more than four days because I can’t stand the memories of a crazy mother and she never tried to poison me.
Well, all this being said, she makes for a good read; nay, an excellent read.

FITA PROJECT part deux

Lemme explain the goings on that occurred immediately after the last post (entitled FITA PROJECT):
Bea and I were talking on the phone (as we are almost all the time), whilst I was posting the aforementioned blog. Once up, Bea quickly linked to it and laughed, remembering when we had first written the (now famous) opening scene. We were giggling like two school girls when my hubby says, "Surely you two can't be the only one who are obsessed with this book, you should link the blog to some of the funnier fan-fiction sites."
DONE!
Unfortunately, this leads Bea and I right into the middle of the crazy, lonely world of Flowers in the Attic Fan-Forest (think more Hansel and Gretel the naughty, Germans than Wizard of Oz and the happy yellow-brick road), wherein we find over 2,000 hits with the words "Flowers. attic. Andrews." It's hilarious.
Some of the sites are beautiful and the creators have obviously spent quite a bit of time on them, and some are can be no more explained than the inane ramblings of a thirteen year old girl; unfortunately, more times than not, the creators aren't 13, but somewhere around 30.
Bea and I sat on the phone for over ninety minutes signing petitions to get a new movie/miniseries of Flowers in the Attic produced, to get the ghost-writer of the now-dead VC Andrews fired, and joined groups on myspace specifically designed for fans of FITA.
All in all, it was a good night.

FITA PROJECT

So loves, I know it has been quite awhile since I have posted (and yes, Bea has gone on and on and on about it to me...) so I thought I would do a 'quickwrite' and answer a question that has come up a bit from some of our more loyal readers:

"Auntie, why is your web addresss "fitaproject"? What is this fita project?"

Why darlings, FITA stands for Bea and my favorite book of all time Flowers in the Attic. This sounds a lot sadder than I am about it. Both Bea and I hold advanced degrees (hell, mine is in English Literature), yet this book remains the best of all time for us both. However, the subsequent movie that was made of this priceless piece of literature was horrific. It made me cringe (yet I do watch it on the VHS tape I have when I taped it off of HBO in like 1989). Therefore, Bea and I are slowly making it our life's mission to make a new, better Flowers in the Attic movie. We even have the opening credits done - thanks to a slow day at both of our work places, Bea and I wrote the following together. No, we aren't fans or participants in the 'fan fiction' craze that is sweeping the Internets recently regarding our beloved FITA, we are just lifelong fans with a dream and a goal:

Credits: The camera pans up a grassy hill and over a large, well maintained garden. It is obvious that these are the grounds to a large home. The camera pulls back to reveal the large mansion dark from the night except for one small window up on the top floor on the far right of the house. Camera stays back as the title
Flowers in the Attic
Appears under the home. As the title fades, the camera zooms into the illuminated room. There we see an elderly woman sitting on the sill of a window to a large attic. She is staring out the window into the night sky holding a faded paper flower.

(The music fades and the faint sounds of children laughing, then crying, then screaming are overlapped as the background noise). The camera goes beyond the woman and circles the room where among other cluttered objects we see old chests, a large bird cage, a ballerina bar attached to one wall, books strewn on the floor and everywhere – paper flowers faded from time. The camera goes into a room within the attic furnished like an old classroom. On the cracked blackboard we see written, first in childish handwriting: We lived in the attic, Christopher, Cory, Carrie and me. Now we are only three.

The camera comes back around to the woman on the windowsill. Lying against the wall nearest her is a portrait of four children, pale, all with blonde hair. The dust that has settled over the painting looks eerily like that of a man watching over the children.

The old woman [Cathy] sits facing the window the camera stops on her. She lifts the paper flower she has been holding and smells it, her eyes close, she sighs. Carefully, she places the flower on the leading of the window and stands up reluctantly. She is wearing a long, filmy, white nightgown and peignoir; her hair is a faded white/blonde. She walks down a narrow staircase that empties into a large but sparsely furnished bedroom. She walks out the door and into the hallway. The camera shows her locking the door behind her. She walks down a dimly lit, long hallway decorated with large portraits and an oriental runner down the center of the wooden floor. She stops and opens slowly one of the doors in a double-wide entry.

Camera shifts to span the room she is looking into
Insert description of swan bedroom here

She sees the man [Christopher] asleep in the bed and turns around and shuts the door behind her.

Skip to seeing Cathy enter a large, oak-paneled office. She sits at a typewriter and prepares to type.