A Study In Our Friendship...

Welcome friends and readers to part one of what I believe will end up being an eight part series that examines the complexities that exist in Bea and my friendship. In today's entry I will be showing the odd differences between our real-world love life versus the far more interesting and (don't tell Bea) imaginary love life.


The Real World

Auntie Mame

You may find this hard to believe dear readers, but as a teenager your beloved Auntie Mame was, for all intents and purposes, was a whore. My sister (Dolly) will attest that I had what she liked to refer to as the "boy of the month" club; I had a new boyfriend that I fawned all over at the beginning of the month and then tossed aside and complained about by the month's end. I dated everyone from computer nerds to metal rockers with a few preps and jocks thrown in the mix for good measure. I didn't really develop a "type" until my senior year in high school when I realized I should be a little more selective with the boys I swapped saliva with.

"Lady" Bea

Any consistent readers of this blog will not be surprised to learn that dear Bea was a bit conservative* during our formative teenage years. It wasn't until college that all my corrupting finally sunk in and she began to even notice those once "icky" boys. Her relationships with the opposite sex are usually monogamous and lengthy - lasting well over my one month cap. She was picky and overly selective in who she shared a dinner table with.


Our Imaginary (and Far Better) World

Auntie Mame

I have been in love with John Travolta since I was only a few months old. Being born in late 1979 meant that reruns of the Emmy award winning (it won like nine right?) Welcome Back, Kotter had started to air nightly. Since my parents were Joan and what's-his-name I was put to bed after the rerun of Vinny Barbarino saying "Up your nose wit a rubba hose" was over. I've loved John Travolta with a very weird passion every since.

Then came the movie, Beetlejuice and with it a love for the quirky lead actor in his black and white, plaid, flannel shirt. This was right before my father, What's-His-Face, discovered a little movie called the Hunt for Red October and I was smacked in the face with a love for the classic good looks of one Alec Baldwin. He's the kind of crazy that reminds me of my extended family, and there's something cozy and familiar about that.

As time grew on, my love for John never wained.

Yes, even when he gave us this

When I feel the need to get away from it all, it is to one of these two men whose arms I run (figuratively speaking). When I'm in a dramatic, angry mood: I like to pretend that Alec and I have explosive, public arguements and then explosive, public sex to make up. When I'm feeling sad and down on myself: I pretend that John is there being the sweet and comforting man he's known to be. Anyway, that's the way it's always been: me and John, or me and Alec, depending on my mood. Yes, occasionally there have been other actors that have caught my attention, but never in the same way. I've seen every movie John has ever made, and if they are available on DVD, I own it (including the made-for-TV-movie, The Boy in the Plastic Bubble), and every Thursday I obsess over my darling Alec in 30 Rock.

"Lady" Bea

She's as loose in her Hollywood life as she is reserved and scared in her real life. Bea changes her pretend love life as often as I changed my real one (back in the day of course, I'm a happily married woman now). Despite what she'd like us all to believe, she's not overly particular in her Hollywood adorations - she once told me about a dirty crush on Billy Bob Thorton - and she spends her nights doing what it took me a lifetime to do: watching every movie, TV show, and B-rated musical they had ever been in. It's hard for me to keep track of who's who honestly; Is Jensen Ackles the guy from Doctor Who? Is David Tennet the comic book writer? I can't keep them straight. If she were better on the computer, I'm sure she'd create a flow chart to explain all this to me, but, well, you know.

read : prude

A Most Important Query.

My fellow bloggers/readers, please help settle a disagreement between Sorsha and myself. What is the funniest movie ever: Airplane! or Spaceballs?

Now, I understand you may have another movie that is not one of the two aformentioned films that you (incorrectly!) deem Funniest. Movie. Ever. I ask that you please refrain from choosing one of those. I will put up a post for that later, I promise. For now, I want to settle the Airplane! vs. Spaceballs Death Match. Thank you for your time.

If you read this blog, please ring in with your vote. This is perhaps the first major disagreement that Sorsha and I have had! Oh, and I won't mention just yet who prefers which movie as I don't want to inappropriately influence your vote. (Though if you know me reasonably well, you probably already know where my loyalty lies!)

Day Three (or is it four?)

I think it might be best to let our Lady of Bea write about my third day/fourth night. It involves a bar crawl, a scary ex-boyfriend, a naked tattoo (of me?!), and of course iced tea.
Bea - you up to the challenge of describing this?

So I've Decided

OK, because I'm currently babysitting 13 year-olds I've been doing a lot of self-reflection and I've come to the painful conclusion that I have no life. I really don't. To demonstrate:

1. Alarm goes off at 6:15
2. Get out of bed at 7
3. Dressed, prep and in the car by 7:15
4. Drive to work that should take 20 minutes takes about 30-40 because of traffic.
5. The traffic is where I do my hair and makeup - yeah I'm THAT girl.

GOD HELP the person who disrupts my morning routine. God Lord. It happened once when my neighbor stopped by because she saw me getting into my car and no one has heard from her since. Even I don't remember what happened to her.

1. Work by 7:50 or such, wherein I eat breakfast and begin to rant about the day ahead with my fellow teachers.
2. 8:15-3:30 I should be teaching, but lately we aren't able because testing is over and therefore we are just overseeing the kids while they pretty much go crazy. During this time I play on the computer.
3. 3:30-4ish is mostly a blur because I've zoned out to the drive home. Then I pick up Glow Bug, listen to the iPod for the rest of the drive, and talk with him about his day.
4. Whenever we get home, Glow Bug either A) strips down to only his pants and runs around outside or B) watches TV. During this time I go upstairs and nap.
5. The rest of the night is spent in front of the TV or on the laptop, with maybe a sprinkling of cleaning/housework thrown in. Before bed I prep my morning so I can get the maximum amount of sleep in the morning as humanly possible.

See y'all, I sleep way too much! My whole routine is dictated by the fact that I want to sleep in in the morning.

Yuck, seeing it all typed out like that annoys me. I want to be the girl who meditates (we have so much beautiful land where we live) when she gets home, and works out in the morning, and is talented at something other than applying the perfect liquid line during stop and go traffic. Although, let's be honest that is a talent. I should be on that show. Oh well, this rant was brought to you by the fact that it is 9 AM and I'm sitting in front of the computer because the students are writing newspapers (see above schedule). *sigh*

Marry, Cliff, Shag -- Round One

You know what game I love? Marry, Cliff, Shag. Everyone should play this game. It is EXCELLENT for road trips, long lines at the grocery store (Hey, play it with people in line around you. Guaranteed good times!) and being stuck at the airport. For those who have never played (I'm so sad for you!), here are the rules: Of the three choices given, you must choose to marry one, shag one and toss the other off a cliff. Simple, easy, HOURS OF ENTERTAINMENT.

So, let's play! Let's get some Marry, Cliff, Shag up in this bitch! I'll call out a few regular blog readers with choices, but if you challenge me (Or Mame!) in the comments, we shall challenge back! You can use celebrities, fictional characters, politicians, historical figures, whatever you like! If it would be more fun, feel free to explain your reasoning. I once won a particularly memorable round with Mame and her husband Beau when I chose to shag Tucker Carlson, cliff Newt Gingrich and marry Bill O'Reilly so that I could make every day of his life a living hell. Now THAT was a good game!

Here we go:

Mame -- Marry, Cliff, Shag: John Travola, Leland Chapman, Paul Rudd

Two of Hearts -- Marry, Cliff, Shag: All V.C. Andrews "heroes:" Christopher from Flowers in the Attic, Jimmy from Dawn, Arden from My Sweet Audrina

Sorcha -- Marry, Cliff, Shag: Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds, James Marsden (It's the all X-Men round!)

EGT -- Marry, Cliff, Shag: the Top Gear boys: Richard Hammond, Jeremy Clarkson, James May (With current hair, as that may influence your decision)

Anyone and everyone who wants to play, take it to the comments!

FITA Revealed...Or, after 2 years it's about time

Kevin Smith once said that the characters he writes into his stories and scripts are the kinds he wishes he had in the real world: they talk in long soliloquies, and they have a vast knowledge of pop culture. If I were to create the world I wish I lived in, it would be written much like that of the infamous VC Andrews book, Flowers in the Attic. Movements would be “spin around with their legs flashing through a thin negligee.” There would be face-cupping and the swelling of “rigid male sex”. Teenage girls will wish for things like, "Let me have all those swelling curves that men desire." Every breath would be “aghast” and every uncle would be fucking hot.
Wait. Is that weird?

In my world, however, the protagonist wouldn’t be quite so whiney. Catherine Dollanganger (Cathy - the narrator) had a hard life I’ll give her that, but her gratuitous use of the word “daddy” when referencing her father, and her constant complaining about everything anyone does good for her makes me want to Chuck-Norris-Kick her most of the time.

We all know the story: Cathy and her siblings get locked in an attic because her Mother is an fucking retard and presumably doesn’t understand math, so when their father dies she decides to move in with her emotionally and physically abusive, albeit rich, parents.

If I were Cathy and Momma told me of this plan, I would have had the common sense to argue the following points:

• Problem number one: the grandparents live in a house called “Foxworth Hall.” Nothing good has EVER happened in a house with a name that ends in “Hall.” Or “Manor” for that matter. Nothing. Ok, maybe Toad Hall.
• Problem number two: Cathy has NEVER heard of grandparents then all of a sudden they are off to not just visit but live there? Really?
• Problem number three: The kids are told that they have to ‘hide’ in the house because old granddad is sick. Really Mom? Hide in the attic? How ‘bout you just scrub up and start flipping some damn burgers at McDonalds? Oh I get it. You’re too good for that. But you aren’t too good to f your uncle, have his kids, lock them in your parents’ house, and then slowly starve and kill them off? Huh.

Now I understand that Cathy couldn't have foreseen quite all that, but still! -that’s what happens.

Did I mention that the grandmother, Olivia, announces that Cathy's parents, Corrine and Christopher, Sr., were really uncle and niece? Because she did. Then she calls the Cathy and her siblings (older brother Christopher, and the younger twin boy and girl) the "Devil’s Spawn" and pours tar into Cathy’s hair forcing her to cut it short and Christopher, Jr. to pee in it to loosen the tar. Hilarity!

So whatever, they spend a lot of time in the attic that adjoins their room. Now let’s talk about this attic. This attic isn’t like the crouch down split-level attic at my mother, Joan’s, place. No, this attic is an entire floor of treasures! What a happy coincidence, there is a school room up there! That’s not random at all! Oh and there’s a ballet barre, that’s not weird! Boxes of books? Check! Tons of decades old and not expired medical equipment, done! I should note here that I always thought that the attic never sounded so bad, but then again, I’m a homebody by nature. They decorate the attic with paper flowers – hence the name of the book, and Cathy teaches the twins to read and write. They put an old mattress on the roof so they can tan and the twins can get the sunshine they need, and – oh yeah – so Chris and Cathy could totally get it on.

What? The brother and sister? Yes, gentle readers. See, the years pass and Cathy and Chris were teenagers (I don’t think that word ONE is given to how she deals with her womanly curse, but I may be mistaken). Anyway, they begin to develop sexual feelings towards one another. Well, mainly Chris does for Cathy, but she confesses that she would watch him change and even at one point measure his unit. Nice. Chris just loves, loves, loves Cathy but she keeps saying that they must really be the devil’s spawn if they feel this way. That’s right, Cathy, you are!! Long story short, one night he rapes her on the mattress they kept on the roof for sun. It’s not really rape, she is just very conflicted about whether this is what she wants or not.

Shortly thereafter, the mother successfully kills one of Cathy’s younger siblings: a twin named Cory. This makes Carrie (his aforementioned twin sister) go a bit crazy and self destructive. This is the final straw for the threesome who begins to sneak out to steal items they can later pawn. I’ve never understood why they let it go this far.

I lived in a suburb of New Jersey and it felt so much like a deathtrap that I started sneaking out before I knew what to do once I did it. Cathy was literally in a deathtrap and it took her FOUR YEARS before she was like, “You know, we need to bust out.”The book ends with just that. Christopher, Cathy, and Carrie do indeed leave the house, catch a bus and decide to travel to Florida with the money and items they have taken with them. Cory is long dead and buried who knows where, Carrie is all emo and for good reason, Cathy is walking differently thanks to her brother’s “rigid male sex,” and Chris is sporting a Lancelot haircut.

*SIGH* Have I mentioned how much I freakin’ love this book?

In Honor of Our Friendship...

Just a little insight into this amazing friendship I have.
I wanted to give you all a glimpse into Bea's inbox. On any typical day, the Lady Bea can expect the following email from me:

My Dearest:

So my little darlings are watching, "Tuck Everlasting" and it's such a sweet movie/story. However, there are quite a few pieces that make my sick mind chortle, nay, laugh hysterically. Have you seen the movie and/or read the book? You whore I know you have. Get back to me.

I get bored easily. She's the Marcy to my Peppermint Patty, if we were young cartoons or gay. *sigh* Sadly, we aren't either.

Things I hate about holiday decorations

1. Blue Lights

Good Lord. I hate blue lights more than anything else at Christmas. I think they stopped making them in late 1977; however, some classy families have found enough of them on eBay to cover their entire house, rooftop and trees.

2. The Half Blink/Half Steady House

I imagine the conversation whilst decorating this home went something like:
“Hey Momma, this string blinks, should we put it up anyway?”
“Yeah, it don’t matter none.”

3. No Theme Houses

How horrible is this? Houses that have forty different items thrown about their yard for no discernable reason other than they are all ‘holiday’ related. “Yeah!! Let’s put up the manger scene next to the inflatable Santa and then we can use the Pooh Bear light up as the angel! Sweet!!”

4. Really faded

When your decorations go from red and white to orange and yellow, it’s time to either buy new ones or just throw them away. Or, when the face of Balthazar has been rubbed off, try and draw and new one or throw it away.

5. The highly inappropriate

This could be anything from using a blinking bulb to illuminate Jesus to the really scary Santa faces plastered on your tree. A neighbor of ours has an inflatable manger scene, but because of a recent spell of cold weather, one of the shepherds looks like he’s celebrating the coming of our Lord and Savior by taking advantage of one of the mules. You can’t tell me that, as owner of said nativity, that you don’t drive by it everyday and don’t see it. Everyone else does, trust me.

Five People Who Annoy the Crap Out of Me…or, How I am trying to overcome this Twilight-induced sweetness.

5. The “Don’t Take My Picture” Ugly Guy

These people used to be the bane of my existence in high school. You know these guys, the not-so-great-looking guy that your friend met at the skating rink and then asked to the big Homecoming Dance. He’s not part of your “crowd” but you have to act like you like him because your friend is now dating him. This guy inevitably turns his head or ducks away quickly whenever a picture is taken. Like he’s fucking Amish and is afraid that the flash will take his soul. Fuck him. It’s a PICTURE, you are a person, and you are going to get your picture taken, idiot.

In ten years when you’re going through your photo albums and you want to remember that dick that Jane brought to the ’96 dance and all you have to remember him by is a picture of Jane in a cocktail dress and her up-do hair with baby’s breath woven in, and the blur of color that is that guy ducking away.


4. The “Man I Got Wasted” Guy

We’re thirty. I got wasted when I was nineteen with my sorority sister’s fake ID and stole a bottle of tequila and drank it with the pour spout still one. That was cool. That was a story*. Now, talking about how you were at Applebee’s watching the “Stillers” (AKA StEElers) game last night and had one too many nine dollar beers, and ended up falling off the stool and getting escorted out by John the bartender who's “a cool guy though” is not a story. It’s one of the five signs of an alcoholic.

3. The Let Me Ask You the Same Question Over and Over Relative

Everyone has a relative like this, usually a cousin or older relative. For me, honestly? This person for me is my father. Every year on my birthday, he asks, “So how old are you now? Let me see…24?” And every year (except my twenty fourth) he’s wrong. He also asks me the name of the company I work for over and over. Sometimes he asks me to spell it. At first it’s endearing because at least he’s trying, but after about the seventh time, I try to laugh it off as I answer it again. On the tenth time, I’m sorry – I’m only human, I’m going to roll my eyes and sigh dramatically when I answer it.

2. The One Year of Therapy Reciter

This person is interchangeable with “I took Psychology 101 Reciter.” I can’t stand when someone I barely know, or even someone I do know decides that he or she can fix whatever ailment I happen to be bitching about by reciting something they heard from one of their own therapy sessions. Now, don’t get me wrong, every now and then this is fine. I should also mention that I’ve been in therapy for like twelve years, I’ve heard whatever it is you are about to say. Thank you for your advice, but stop. Therapists are very intelligent and have great insight; however, you don’t, and spouting off what your doctor said every time I mention that I had a bad day, makes me want to have a better day by killing you.

1. The “I Know More Than the Expert” Dude

O.M.G. No matter what’s on TV: it could be the news, Law & Order, or Superman, this person is going to point out every minute aspect they can find a fault with. And, they are going to talk over the climatic ending to explain why THEY are correct and the seventeen writers and two experts who wrote the show are completely wrong. Then they are going to smirk and shake their head every time the character or even news anchor speaks again. I can’t stand this person, and usually want to rip their arms off and punch them in the groin with it. Beau does it sometimes; I think just to annoy me. It works.

*and a hell of a story it is, too!

I've figured it out!...or, how I am going to win your arguement against Obama as a president.

OK, my very good friend, and pen-pal Henry Rollins, once said, "Know your enemy. Listen to your enemy. Get to know them on a serious level, then you can figure out where they are coming from and why. Then you can break down their arguments on a more personal level."

That being said, I've figured out this entire Anti-Obama stance that some people in the USA are taking. Here are the top five arguments I've heard and my response to them:

Argument One:
I don't agree with his policies. The things he mentioned in the campaign, I don't agree with them!

Answer:
The president cannot fix/destroy taxes on his own, nor can he make changes to the constitution on his own. During the campaign (this one and all the others before it) candidates explain what they would do to fix certain things wrong with our country; however, a president cannot do anything alone. They need congress to back them up. I realize that we now have a Democratic congress and it will be easier for a Democratic president to get bills passed, etc. but the Equal Rights Amendment never did pass despite having a same sided-congress/executive branch. And that was the Equal Rights Amendment!!

Argument Two:
That preacher he hangs out with - he's a radical! And Obama won't renounce him!

Answer:
My father is a terrible racist. He's tried to overcome it, but he's from a different era, and has had a different view on things than I. But he's my father. He says things I don't agree with and does things that I can't understand. I can't renounce him -he gave me life, and provided for me. He's not perfect, but I'm certainly not going to condemn him in public.
Obama didn't have a father, and this man brought him to Christ. As a Christian the person who is with you when you finally make the decision to turn your life over to Christ is a mentor, a father-figure. He says things that Obama says that he doesn't agree with, but he can't renounce him or what he says. I understand that.

Argument Three:
He's a Muslim! His middle name is Hussein!!

Answer:
He's not. We can see his taxes (thank you, Freedom of Information Act) and we see that he tithes regularly to the aforementioned church. Also, if he WAS a Muslim (which he is not) we have a freedom of religion just as important as our right to bear arms.
And as far as Hussein...it's a name. It means "good" or "beautiful" and is a very popular and common name. During the 1940's, the most popular name in Europe (and widely used in the US as well) was Adolf. We can't help what people who have our name do.

Argument Four:
He's the anti-Christ! It's been predicted in the Bible!

Answer:
OK, it's been awhile since I took my religion classes in college, but I took my first one in spring of 2000. There was a lot of talk that the end of the world was predicted in the year 2000. So we talked about the various predictions in the Bible and if I remember accurately: 1 John chapter 2 refers to many Antichrists present at the time while warning of one Antichrist that is coming. The "many Antichrists" belong to the same spirit as that of the one Antichrist. John wrote that such Antichrists deny "that Jesus is the Christ", "the Father and the Son", and would "not confess Jesus came in the flesh." Likewise, the one Antichrist denies the Father and the Son.
This one Antichrist is spoken of in more detail by Paul in 2 Thessalonians chapter 2. Paul uses the term man of sin to describe what John identifies as the Antichrist. Paul writes that this Man of Sin (sometimes translated son of perdition) will possess a number of characteristics. These include "sitting in the temple", opposing himself against anything that is worshiped, claiming divine authority, working all kinds of counterfeit miracles and signs, and doing all kinds of evil. Daniel 11:36-37 speaks of a self exalting king, considered by some to be the Antichrist.
OK, after all that: even if he is, there isn't anything we can do about it. But I seriously doubt that an elected official of a not even three-hundred year old country is anything of the sort.

Argument Five:
He has no experience!! How can he run our country with no experience?!!

Answer:
George Washington had no experience either. He only knew his farm and the battle ground. But he led our country during its formative years. Neither did James Madison, John Q. Adams, Abraham Lincoln, or JFK (among others). The beauty of our country is that you don't have to have executive experience to be elected. That means that anyone can be president...anyone!! Isn't that wonderful?

God I love being American.

Seriously...

Where've I been? Even I don't know.
Obama is president (thank the sweet LORD); my little dumplin's at work are still adorable; Glow Bug cracks me up on a daily basis, and living with my in-laws is slowly driving me mad.
Beau and I have taken to hiding up in our 'quarters' from about 8 pm on. It's been a boring, sad little existance all in all.
I'll write more when I have more to write. :-)

Holy Shit I'm a Republican?!

OK, maybe not. But by textbook, most of my views are considered very conservative.
In my line of work (molding young minds, squelching their ideals, and the like) I'm asked quite often about my view on today's politics. I usually meander my way away from such questions, but it's been very hard to these days.
Today, during a rather blah moment at work, I did some research regarding my politics and where I stand on what the media is calling today's "hot issues."

1. I want to be left the fuck alone. I do not the president of telling me what to do with my body nor my means of self-protection.
2. I don't want someone from New Hampshire telling me in West Virginia what to do, ever. I firmly believe that the governor should be more powerful than the senators, yet it doesn't seem so anymore. Things like the death penalty, environmental issues, and education should always be a state's decision; the federal government has no right to interfere.
3. The welfare system, social security, and medicare/Medicaid are failing. No, they have failed. There is no fixing them. They need to be completely re hauled and a better system put in place. A country is only as good as how they treat their poor and their elderly. By these standards America is a third-world nation.
4. Freedom of speech was so important that it is listed in the FIRST AMENDMENT of the Bill of Rights. So is religion. I think that the greatest, most wonderful thing about my country is that I don't have to agree with you, but I am proud that we have the freedom to disagree.
5. This whole immigration thing? My great-grandparents were immigrants. There is nothing wrong with anyone, of any class, of any nation to come to America. The problem is that we have created so much red tape and nonsense that only the elite and rich can legally come. I've taught illegal immigrants and spoken at great length with their parents; they would gladly pay into our social security and tax system if they could stay. Why not make them? Don't send them back, don't put up a damn fence (idiots), just help them to become legal, and let them pay into our system.
6. Health care in America and Lobbyists go hand in hand; because of this, America will never have a universal health care OR campaign reform.

I love my country. I love the ideals that my country was founded on. I can't stand what we have become. I can't stand that while American soldiers are dying around the world to protect our freedoms, over 80% of Americans can't point out where the soldiers are on a map. I can't stand that our leadership is so corrupted that they can't see beyond their own cattle ranch.

OK, I'm done now.

My Mosaic

I totally stole this idea from a friend of mine. It's a mosaic of "me."
Enjoy!

My favorite color- purple

Dream vacation- Winter Cabin (with TONS of great reading material)

What makes me happy- Laughing with my friends

What I am- a teacher

My name- Auntie Mame
My favorite food- pizza

Favorite flower- Hydrengea

Where I am from- New Jersey
My favorite dessert- Oreo's and Milk

So...How've You Guys Been?

Ok, so, we haven't posted in a couple of weeks. Sorry about that, for the four of you who care. We've been BUSY, OK. And seriously, pop culture-wise? This summer's been BORING. So, here's a brief update of what's been going on in Bea-and-Mame-ville...

• I had been visiting Sid and Andie, since Andie'd been having pregnancy complications. If you are so inclined, please keep good thoughts for Andie and little as-yet-un-pseudonymed-baby boy.
• Mame, Beau and Glowbug are moving, so she's been ripping her house apart, threatening people and tearing her hair out. No really, it's fine. She had too much hair anyway.
  
• I've seen The Incredible Hulk and the Sex and the City movie. The former was AWESOME and the latter was fine. (But that naked guy that you've probably heard about? Totally worth the ticket price. Heheheh.)
  
• I'm watching Numb3rs from Netflix. (You have no idea how it pains me to spell it like that. Ugh. Fuck it. I'm spelling it correctly from now on.) I may have a teensy obsession with the math geek brother. WHO KNEW THAT THE KID FROM ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES WOULD GROW UP HOT?!? WHO?!? No, really. It's a very fun show.
  
• Also? I watched The Mist, which is an adaptation of a Stephen King novella. I'd liked the novella, DID NOT LIKE THE MOVIE. But hey. Don't listen to me. If you want to watch a movie that's really boring, has stupid special effects and then has an ending that made me yelp, "Oh, FUCK YOU!" then by all means. Watch it. JUST DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU. Mame, warn Beau. You know he'll try to watch it. Ugh.
• My reading of the Avonlea series is going...slowly. Mame's reading of the Little House series is going...less slowly. She's actually kicking ass with it. She'd like me to compliment her excessively and perhaps talk about how she's better than me. That's not going to happen. She should know that, frankly.
  

Book Review and Summer Reading Challenge Updates!

(For those who care.)

So, sorry guys. I totally failed on reading Danielle Steel's The Ring. It was SO FUCKING BORING. And I refuse to put that much energy into forcing myself to read a trashy, poorly-written romance novel. So, no detailed book review on that one. Just this: it sucks. People have "lavender" eyes. Um. If I every run across a person with lavender eyes? I'm running the other fucking way.

But! I have procured the first four Avonlea books. Bite me, Mame, that's what I'm calling them. So, I should have the first one reread pretty soon. Also, after perusing the back cover of the second one, I think I've read that one, too. Yay!

Remember when "Lady" Bea published this post about your top five fictional women? Well I do. It was awhile ago, but life kinda got in my way so I had to postpone my entry dealing with topic. Anyway, here is my list of my top five fictional women:

1. Mame Dennis from the book My Best Girl or for you less educated folks, from the play Auntie Mame. She's this eccentric, bohemian, intelligent, work and win type women. She survived the Depression, the war, and even those who doubted her. Her quote is, "Life is a banquet and most poor sons of bitches are starving to death!!" Her always-drunk best friend Vera Charles is always somewhere nearby, whether it be passed out in her bathtub or sleeping behind the drapes, she's only a "VERA!!" away. It reminds me of Bea and my relationship. In fact when we were planning this blog I did everything I could to convince her that her pen name should be Vera; however, she had read the novel My Sweet Audrina and thusly refused.
2. Ouiser Boudreaux from the play Steel Magnolias. OK, even I got this from the movie, but I later saw the play when they performed it at my college. It was fantastic. Ouiser is an honest-to-God smart ass. She doesn't take any shit from anyone, and I for one, appreciate that. I see her as the girl at the debutante ball smoking a cigarette and wearing shorts under her ball gown. God, I love this woman.
   Annelle: We are in the house of the Lord!
   Clairee Belcher: A lot she cares. Ousier's never done a religious thing in her life.
   Ouiser Boudreaux: Now that is not true. When I was in school, a bunch of my friends and I would dress up as nuns and go bar-hoppin'.
3. Viviane Joan "Vivi" Abbott Walker from Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood. Don't read Little Alters Everywhere it's not that good and the portrayal of Vivi in that book is terrible. Rebecca Wells even admitted that she wrote what seemed like "two different characters." Vivi survived terrible circumstances. I can relate.
4. Anne Shirley from the Anne of Green Gables stories. Of course.
5. Offred from A Handmaid's Tale. Seriously. She is the pinnacle of surviving, striving, female characters. I love this book. I love this character. I love that she refuses her name which means literally "Of Fred" meaning she belongs to him; instead she says "I am NOT offred [afraid]"

It's ANNE OF GREEN GABLES NOT AVONLEA BEA!! Or, Auntie Mame's book reviews of her favorite Canadian series

Lucy Maude Montgomery wrote A LOT. Probably her most famous books, however, are the Anne of Green Gables series. To quote myself from the aforementioned comment "Joan bought Dolly the "Little House" series and bought me car-seat covers. Wait, that may have been two different Christmas's. Oh well. I never read the Little House books, partially because they were boring as all get out and partially because Joan went on and on about how her grandmother was friends with Laura Ingles Wilder and mentioned in the book. Because of how famously Joan lied, I was immediately disillusioned with the books and used them as a book end for the same brown bookcase for many a year. When a friend of mine bought me the "Anne of Green Gables" books I read them almost in defiance of Joan wanting me to read the "Little House" books (they were Canadian and apple farmers, as opposed to American settlers). I may be a little long-winded about some of the better books, but you'll understand.

ANNE OF GREEN GABLES:
I think everyone in the world knows what this story is about; basically, it covers Anne's first 5 years in the town of Avonlea, Prince Edward Island, Canada (hehe, they call their island PEI and I think that is adorable). She’s about 11 at the beginning when she is sent from an orphanage to the “Green Gables Estate” to work as a farm hand. It turns out that brother and sister Marilla and Mathew (HELLO VC Andrews!!) Cuthbert own Green Gables and sent to the orphanage for a ‘farm boy’ to help now that they are older. At first, Marilla wants to send Anne back, but she wins her over and she can stay. Anne’s antics throughout the book include her rivalry with Gilbert Blythe, dyeing her hair, using liniment rather than vanilla in a cake, and falling off of Mrs. Barry's roof. We meet her friends, Diana, Jane and Ruby all of whom she calls her ‘kindred spirits,’ her rivalries with the Pye sisters (Gertie and Josie), and of course her antics with Gilbert as they vie to be the best in the class. So much stuff happens in this book it is impossible to explain in one short paragraph. Basically you need to know that Gilbert is a nice guy and does everything he can for his BFF, Anne.

ANNE OF AVONLEA
This book is about Anne’s time in Avonlea from when she is sixteen to eighteen. Title of the book is fitting, because Anne is no longer simply "of Green Gables" as she was in the previous book, but now takes her place among the "important" people of Avonlea society, as its only schoolteacher. She is also a founding member of the A.V.I.S. (the Avonlea Village Improvement Society), which tries to improve (with questionable results) the Avonlea landscape. Marilla adopts twins. Davy and Dora. They are the children of Marilla's third cousin and she adopts them when their mother dies. Dora is a nice well behaved girl, while Davy is a little more of a handful and gets into many scrapes. I’m only lukewarm to this book; I’m not sure why, but it serves to introduce us to some hilarious townsfolk.

ANNE OF THE ISLAND – or as I call it, my favorite book of this series. Seriously.
Anne attends Redmond College in Kingsport, where she is studying for her BA. At first, she lives in a boardinghouse, but later shares a house with her old friends from Queen's, Priscilla and Stella, her new friend Phil (short for Phillipa) and Stella's Aunt Jamesina, who takes care of the house for the girls. Oh, yeah they have these three cats, Rusty, Joseph and Sarah-Cat. Anne gets to visit the home of her birth parents and learns about who she ‘would have been’ if it weren’t for Marilla.
We learn just what a hottie Annie is – three men are vying for her love. She gets her first proposal. Anne refuses, amused at this very unromantic first proposal (he asks her through his sister who is kinda friends with Anne). Then Charlie Sloane also proposes to her, but she turns him down. Then (finally) Gilbert proposes to Anne, telling her he loves her more than anything. Anne turns him down, saying that she can never love him and wants to continue to be friends. Gilbert remarks how friendship will never satisfy him and leaves saying he was deceived into thinking she did care. I know this sounds like ‘the same old story’ but remember – this was the FIRST story to do it!! Any who she meets Roy Gardner, and they court, but when Roy proposes, Anne realizes she can't marry him; mainly because he doesn't have a sense of humor. She graduates and goes home to Avonlea only to learn that Gilbert is sick and possible dying. She rushes to him and nurses him back to health. As Gilbert recovers he constantly visits Anne. Though happy to be friends again, Anne is no longer just satisfied with Gilbert's friendship. She wants his love. On a walk Gilbert tells her of one of his unfulfilled dreams which involves her as his wife. He then proposes again, and Anne says yes – FINALLY!

ANNE OF WINDY POPLARS or ANNE OF WINDY WILLOWS (Depending on which version you buy)
Anne is engaged to Gilbert, she is a principal at Summerside High School where she has to deal with the Pringle clan, Katherine Brooke, and plenty of other interesting folks. The book is named after the boardinghouse she lives in called Windy Poplars with two elderly widows, Aunt Kate and Aunt Chatty, plus their housekeeper, Rebecca Dew, and their cat, Dusty Miller. At the end of the novel, Anne departs Summerside, returning to Green Gables and Avonlea for her wedding to Gilbert.

ANNE'S HOUSE OF DREAMS
The book starts with Anne's marriage with Gilbert, which is very small and happens in the Green Gables orchard. After the marriage, they move to a house that Anne calls her "house of dreams", in Four Winds Point. Anne and Gilbert meet many interesting people, such as the eccentric Captain Jim and the man-hater Miss Cornelia Bryant. Anne also meets Leslie Moore, who lost her beloved brother and her father, and then was forced to marry Dick Moore because of her mother. It’s this whole Titanic story and I could kind of care less about this character at first, but she’s fairly significant at the end. OK, then Anne gives birth to her first child, Joyce, who dies shortly afterwards. It’s this whole thing and now that I am a mother, I might need to read this again so I can cry a lot more.

ANNE OF INGLESIDE
This book is more about Anne's children than Anne herself. The story starts nine years after where "Anne's House of Dreams" left us, when Anne is making a visit to Avonlea. Apparently Anne and Gilbert did love each other a whole lot because they have A LOT of children. When she returns home to the old Morgan house, now named '"Ingleside", we are introduced to her five children (I stole a lot of this from my online sources as I don’t remember each child that clearly):

• James Matthew "Jem" Blythe: Jem is named for Captain Jim and Anne's foster parent Matthew Cuthbert, or as Anne puts it, "The two finest gentlemen, [she knows]" from Anne's house of dreams. The only one of Anne's children born in the House of Dreams, Jem has curly red hair, hazel eyes, his mother's nose and his father's mouth.
• Walter Cuthbert Blythe: Walter is named after Anne's birth father and adoptive family, (Cuthbert), and is quite the handsomest of the children. He has straight black hair and finely modeled features. Walter is thought of by the Glen St. Mary boys as girly, because he never fights and rarely plays sports, preferring to read books alone.
• Anne "Nan" Blythe: One of the Ingleside twins, Nan is Blythe by name and blithe by nature, being a dainty little maiden with velvety nut-brown eyes and silky nut-brown hair. Her complexion is almost flawless, and she has been well aware of this since she was very young. "Nan" is named for her mother.
• Diana "Di" Blythe: Diana is the other Ingleside twin, named after Anne's childhood friend, Diana Barry Wright. She looks a lot like her mother, with red hair and gray-green eyes. She is special chums with Walter, who tells her his secrets and lets her read his verses. Di is also her father's favorite, because of her similarity with Anne and because she is very much like him in qualities and personality, having his practical bent and common sense and his twinkling sense of humor.
• Shirley Blythe (this is a boy): Anne was very sick after giving birth to Shirley, so the Blythe housekeeper, Susan Baker, had to take care of him, and the baby soon became her favorite out of the Ingleside children. Shirley calls Susan 'Mother Susan', and goes to her to have his bruises kissed and his cuts washed. Shirley is quiet and doesn't like to be forced to talk, liking to play on his own. He is known as the little brown boy, because he has brown eyes, hair and skin, he is also remarked as taking after Gilbert's father, John. Shirley was named for Anne's maiden family name.
• Bertha Marilla "Rilla" Blythe: The youngest of the Ingleside children, Rilla is named after Anne's birth mother and adoptive "mother", Marilla. She was born a roly-poly plump baby, and remained so until she was seven. She had red hair, which later turned a ruddy-brown color, and brown eyes.

If you really enjoyed those books, there are two more “official” Lucy Maude Montgomery “Anne” books. I’ve never read them, but they are Rainbow Valley and Rilla of Ingleside about the aforementioned youngest daughter. Rainbow Valley takes place in WWI and is apparently the only Canadian WWI book told from a woman's point of view.

Summer Reading Challenge: The Little House Series

I mentioned before that Mame and I are going to be embarking on our Summer Reading Challenge of 2008. I'm going to read the Avonlea series and she is going to read the Little House series. Full disclosure: I read the first Avonlea book, Anne of Green Gables, liked it and didn't pursue the rest of the series. Mame has (she claims*) read none of the Little House books. It's all very exciting!

Ok, a little history about me and Laura Ingalls Wilder. OH MY GOD, I LOVE HER. AND HER BOOKS. I think she is the pinnacle of awesomeness and I have since I was a little girl. My mom gave me her box set of Little House books; they came in a blue cardboard box and all had pale blue covers. I don't remember reading the first one, I was probably around 7 or 8. But I LOVED them. I dressed up as Laura Ingalls for a school report. My mom made me corn meal mush and stacked pancakes for breakfast. I bought a teacup and saucer at Starbucks specifically because it was red and white with a strawberry pattern that looked like something Laura Ingalls would have liked. And that box set? Literally got read to rags. They are no more. We started repurchasing the series a few years ago and I just completed it recently.

The Little House series is endlessly useful! They are entertaining! And full of old songs! You could learn those songs and sing them at parties! But mostly? If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I'm using the Little House series as reference material for survival! There's all sorts of dead useful information about making food and shelter! You could learn how to churn butter and make muslin sheets!

But do NOT take this to mean that since I adore the books that I liked the show. I DO NOT. I used to watch the show when I was a little girl, but would get SO OFFENDED by the digression from the source material, that I would THROW FITS. (I am not much different now than I was at age 7. Just taller.) Laura's lame, adopted brother Albert would draw cries of, "BOYS? There were no BOYS in the BOOK! MOMMMMMM!" I think my mom just stopped letting me watch it. Of course, now it's occasionally fun for a chuckle at its badness or cringing at its FUCKING CREEPINESS. Like, the episode where Albert's girlfriend gets raped by a guy dressed as a clown? Yeah, wholesome. Or the episode where Mary's baby dies in a housefire because SHE ABANDONED him. Lovely! Of the episode where Ma gets all cracked out and feverish and tries to cut her leg off. Mmm, wonderful! I won't even get into the Shannen Doherty era. Yeah, you heard me.

Ok, Mame, you are about to read my favorite books in the world. Here is the order in which you should approach them. Also, it's totally spoilery, but dude. It's historical record. Have at it:

1. Little House in the Big Woods. The Ingalls family's early life in Wisconsin. There is nothing I can say about this book that is not said better here. Ha ha ha, a pig's bladder.

2. Little House on the Prairie. Ah, the titular novel. (Heh.) The Ingalls family: Ma, Pa, Mary, Laura and Baby Carrie travel West! Holy shit, people would just pack up their belongings and children, thrown them in a wagon and leave. Maybe they'd DIE! Maybe their families would never see/hear from them again! Maybe the West would SUCK. I watched Deadwood, it DID suck. That is CRAZY. These people are brave. The depiction of Native Americans (as well as African-Americans and gender issues, later.) will make any decent person uncomfortable, but you have to chalk it up to the time period, I guess.

3. On the Banks of Plum Creek. My favorite of the early novels! (Of course, picking my favorite of this series is like picking my favorite of my CHILDREN. Which I don't have.) The Ingalls family in Minnesota, after literally getting booted out of Indian Territory. They lived in an underground house! Laura and Mary go to school for the first time! They meet the odious Nellie Oleson! There is literally a plague of locusts!

4. By the Shores of Silver Lake. The one where Mary goes blind.

5. The Long Winter. My absolute, hands-down favorite. LOVE this one. I can reread this novel hundreds of times and probably have. The Ingalls family lives through an INSANE winter that last for about 7 months. Of blizzards. There's not much food. They're burning hay. Laura's future husband Almanzo Wilder and his friend Cap Garland risk their lives to bring back wheat for the town! It's all EXTREMELY dramatic and awesome! Everyone keeps their spirits up!

6. Farmer Boy: Almanzo's boyhood in New York. You should read The Long Winter first, so you have an idea of who this Almanzo boy is and why you should care about him. And seriously, this book is total food porn. Almanzo likes to eat. Don't read this book hungry, for real.

7. Little Town on the Prairie: Laura keeps going to school and is growing up. They send Mary to a college for the blind and Laura has to become a school teacher to earn money for her sister's education. She really doesn't want to. It's a whole thing. Also, it's pretty fun because Laura is a teenager here and you hear a lot about her dresses and stuff. Hoop skirts! Corsets!

8. These Happy Golden Years: In which we learn of Laura's first teaching job, which sucks. And she starts "dating" Almanzo Wilder. He takes her for drives and stuff. It's all very restrained. She lets him hold her hand AFTER they're engaged. They get married and it's awesome. This is probably my second favorite.

9. The First Four Years: So, Laura and Almanzo are married and have their daughter, Rose. And are visited by the plagues of Job. Seriously, their house burns down, they lose money, they have a son who dies, it's heart-wrenching. But they persevere! Really, all the Little House books are like that. There is tragedy! But they persevere! And there's fiddle-playing! This novel? Not my favorite. It was published after her death and was in rough-draft format. It's not much like the others. It's fine, whatever. It's really short.

Mame, I can't wait for you to get all involved in this series. Laura is so great. I need to read them all over again, too!

*It's not that I think she's lying. I just can't conceive of not having read them! Really, what was your mother thinking?

Silly Activity Stolen from EGT

1. Leave me a comment saying anything random, like your favorite lyric to your current favorite song. Or your favorite kind of sandwich. Something random. Whatever you like.
2. I respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
3. You WILL update your blog* with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be asked, you will ask them five questions.

*If you don't have a blog, answer in the comments.
**My, this is BOSSY, isn't it?

Anyway, here are my questions from EGT:

(1) What is the song "Nine in the Afternoon" about? The song "Nine in the Afternoon" is about...um...well, it's... Ok, look. Panic At The Disco is a ridiculous band. They wear ridiculous clothes, have ridiculous hair and sing ridiculous songs. I really believe they wake up EVERY MORNING and try to out-ridiculous the previous day's ridiculousness. The song makes no sense, but it's CATCHY.

(2) What is your favorite music video of the moment? My Chemical Romance's "Famous Last Words." Come on, at least that was completely predictable, right?

(3) What movie are you anxiously anticipating seeing? The Strangers. I know, I'm a masochist. I'll see it and then I won't sleep for a week! Here, go check out the official site and make yourself cry.

(4) Do you think "Gossip Girl" will end with everyone living in a commune where Chuck Bass is the cult leader? If there is any justice in the world, YES. And every "prayer" session will end with him saying, "I'm Chuck Bass." and then there's sex. Blair would also make an excellent cult leader; she would be very organized and vicious.

(5) Is Jon Stewart the world's awesomest newscaster? Yes, yes he is. And it makes me SO angry that in between the dick jokes and bad W imitations, he's the only one asking the tough questions. Sometimes, it seems like he's the ONLY media person paying attention. Also? He's hot. Mame and I will never get over how awesome he was in that MTV special with Janeane Garafolo, Denis Leary and Chris Kattan where they watched all the bad music videos. HILARIOUS. Can we get that on dvd, please?

Vote DAMMIT!!

"It's the day of the primary ya'll!!"
I live in North Carolina, and today is our day to vote in the primary. This is a big deal. VOTE.
I took my two year old with me this morning. He was very quiet, but squealed with delight when I let him press the "VOTE" button and he watched the screen melt away and a happy face pop up confirming that I have utilized my voice as an American citizen. Did he have any idea what was going on? No, he's two. Am I going to instill in him the fact that this is a very important part of his life? Yes. Keep tuned in for updates as to who wins.