In Response to "A Short Play Concerning Motherhood, Woes and WebMD"

As proof that I'm not the lone craze in this tangeld web of friendship, I offer the following story:


About six months ago I was a [relatively] normal and would make [slightly] rational decisions. That all changed the day that Lady Bea called me up using her hyper-excited voice and told me to turn on "Criminal Minds" a show that I don't usually watch. Despite my groanings that the only TV I watch is stupid comedies, I was convinced to turn it on with promises of "Jaaaammmeessss Vaaaannn Der Beeeeeeek" - done; I started to watch.

The episode (well, episodes because it was a two-parter) was about a computer tech (James VanDerBeek) who would help people with computer issues and then start watching them via their webcam and, of course, go and murder them when they did something "ungodly".

Flashforward about four months to me sending help-request emails to the makers of LeapFrog because Glow Bug's Leapster 2 isn't working. It took about a week, but the helpdesk discovered that the toy had a defective part. It was at this point that I received this email:

Ms. Dennis:

In response to your problem, our analysis confirms that the SD card on your Leapster2 is not formatted correctly. Please provide your mailing address and a replacement will be shipped to you immediately.

Beau was excited: what great customer service! They identified the problem and were willing to fix it for free. I, however, had the realization that this was a bit too much like a certain episdode of Criminal Minds and therefore had a much different reaction.

Beau: Well, that's pretty cool. Now we don't have to buy anything.

ME: Yeah, but....they want our home address.

Beau: Yeah, that's generally how how the postal service works.

ME: But...

Beau: But what?

ME: What if this is some sort of creep who's going to take our addess and then stalk and kill us?

Beau: ...

ME: Omigod, we have a webcam! BEAU!! (at this point I disappear to the tool closet to get electric tape)

Beau: Babe, what the hell are you doing?

ME: Covering up the webcam lens!! Oh my God! He could be watching us right now!!

Beau (mutes the TV and turns to face me): Seriously?

ME: Look, Bea and I watched this show...

Beau: Oh, here it comes...

ME: ...and this computer help desk guy would get customer's information and then KILL THEM

Beau: Oh that's realistic

ME: It was!!!! I'm putting down your mother's address.

Beau: No you're not. Put down ours, but use my name rather than yours. Did the boogie man on TV kill men, too?

ME: I don't remember. Probably. Did I mention that this killer was played by Dawson?

Beau: ....

ME: James VanDerBeek!!

Beau: Yeah, I got that. I'm just waiting for you to hear yourself.



Long story short (too late!) I used Beau's name and in 7-10 business days the package came. The killer, however, did not. Yet.

I've Got Nothing to Blog About...

I'm bored. I've got nothing to blog about, but it's been a few days since I've posted so I figured it was a good thing to do. Snowmaggedon didn't quite happen here; living in chemical valley has its upsides! Glow Bug has taken to spending entire weekends with his grandparents (who only live about 2 miles away) so my weekends have become pretty boring - it's not like I can go out drinking and whoring. Well I suppose I could, but then I would be nothing more than a sad, sad stereotype of pregnant women in West Virginia wouldn't I?

Being pregnant is not fun. Don't get me wrong, the end product (by which I mean baby) is worth it, but for the 10 months that I've become a human-incubator it's just no fun. I tried to watch Labyrinth yesterday and was crying hysterically within the first seven minutes. In case you don't remember, the whole plot starts with her infant brother crying in his crib and the lead girl basically yelling at him as she tells a story. The idea of a baby crying and not being comforted hit me like a ton of bricks and I had to turn it off.

I find myself crying a lot. Sometimes I cry because I can't pick up my four year-old and carry him around anymore. This may be because he's getting bigger, but I swear it's because of the beach ball belly and then I guilt trip myself because Glow Bug won't be 'carrying' size for much longer and then I get all emotional. Writing all this down I see how crazy it is, but it's the hormones. I also found my first few grey* hairs the other day and realized that I can't just dye my hair to get rid of them. Well, not for the next three months at least. I've seen What's Love Got to Do With It? when Tina Turner's hair falls out because she dyes her hair while pregnant. Not gonna happen to this chunky monkey. Hells no.

Well, as I stated in the first sentence, I don't have anything to discuss/write here, so I'll end this now. I'll write more when I'm more inspired. Hopefully the inspiration comes sooner rather than later.

*for all you Brit loving readers out there: notice that I spelled this color using the Queen's English.

Ah January

So I've been MIA for awhile, and for that I apologize.* It's been a crazy few weeks (or months...wait, has it been that long?) as I get adjust to people calling me "30" and the basketball that is my stomach getting in the way of just about everything I do.
Quick recap of my start of 2010:

• We're having another Boy! Glow Bug will have a brother; I have decided that we'll refer to him as "Spike" on this blog. So far Spike is progressing well: kicking and spinning regularly and causing me only minor discomfort. Although my stomach has taken on a basketball quality that I don't remember happening with Glow Bug, but then again that was four years ago so I maybe just don't remember.
• The Mame family is happily living in our own condo after 17 months of living with my in-laws. It's a quaint little place, and will do for the time being.

So that's about it. I guess it's not that much to write about, but it's been busy nevertheless. OK, I'm going to write a separate entry about my favorite things from 2009 because I like to be like Oprah and because my students are testing today and I have a ton of time on my hands. More later!!

*is it just me, or do most of my posts begin with apologies for not being more consistent in my blogging? Huh.

Moving: A Timeline

I wish I had time today to write the lengthy article, in the great detail needed, to explain how the move from my in-laws to my own condo went. Alas, I do not have the time to write such an article today, nor may I ever because its content would be both histrionic and loquacious. So, gentle readers I present to you a timeline of events:

1. Thursday: Joan arrives to help with the move. I stay at the hotel that night just to get away because I've been stressed about packing and moving. We have fun; there is an indoor pool and a terrific continental breakfast. Beau and his friend, Spider, have a fit moving and putting together Glowbug's massive new bed.
2. Friday: I take the day off work so Joan and I can get some errands done before the big move. Beau rents a moving van, and he and Spider move what little furniture we have at the in laws into the van. Glowbug stays with Joan overnight at the hotel, I stay with Beau.
3. Saturday (morning): Everyone at storage (except Joan who keeps Glowbug at the hotel so he's not in the way). I start to help pull boxes out of the storage and within fifteen minutes I'm in the bushes throwing up. During this time, Lord and Lady discover that a family of field mice have been living in our storage unit. Also, at some point there was a massive leak and most of our furniture and anything not in hard plastic is molded.
4. Saturday (mid morning): At the new house, we pull everything off the moving van and lay it in our new yard where we pour bleach on mattresses, couches, etc. and wipe down everything else. Once things are dry and clean we move them into the house. Not much is destroyed by the holes the mice chewed into things, but everything has mouse poop in it. Joan is concerned about toxoplasmosis, the fact that I haven't eaten anything that has stayed down, and now I'm getting this weird cramp in my right side. Joan, Glowbug, and myself, go to a restaurant for lunch and then to the mattress store to buy (very) expensive mattress covers and a new mattress for Glowbug.
5. Saturday (night): Furniture is set up and we're starting to unpack. The new place is smaller and older than our previously owned home, but it's cozy and we're (very) slowly finding a place for everything. There is an attic, so we can put tons of stuff that we don't need immediately up there.
6. Sunday (3AM) I wake up to go the bathroom and fear that I'm having a nightmare. Every where I turn I hear scratching, scraping, and weird noises. I start to panic. Wait, no need. We have a squirrel's nest in our attic. Great.
7. Sunday: Nothing too big to report, we clean and unpack, Spider comes over and hooks up my washer and dryer and I get started on the insane amount of laundry that needs to be done. The TVs are hooked up and I'm so happy to finally have my favorite channels back: Comedy Central, Bravo, Food Network.
8. Monday: I can leave almost a full half hour later for work and still get there early! Beau and Glowbug are adorable, helping each other get ready as I leave. I spend the day at work thinking about the big meal I'm going to cook at my own house. I create a "To Do" list of things left to be done, and am actually excited to get cracking on it. I pick up Glowbug from daycare and he's so happy to be at the 'new house' because there are some neighbor kids just his age and they can run around the courtyard without me hovering.
9. Monday 4PM: I begin laundry, and the washer isn't working. I go to the faucet and there is nothing happening. I call Lord (who is technically the landlord of the house) and ask him if he had some people over to work on the toilet that wasn't working properly. "Nope" he tells me, then has to go because Beau is beeping in. Turns out Lord forgot to have the water switched to his name so when the sale of the house went through the water company they turned it off. The water company closes at 4:30 and there isn't anything we can do until Tuesday. Lord says, "Oops! Sorry guys!" and we pack up an overnight bag and stay at their house again. Glowbug is soooo confused because he thinks we're going to live there again. The weird pain in my right side comes back.

Waiting For Godot. Or Mame. You Know. Whoever Shows Up First.

Mame will be here in Jersey tomorrow! Yaay! She called me earlier today to ask me an iPod-related question and to let me know that she and Glowbug are on their way. So I'm waiting for her. In an empty room. Sitting on the floor, flicking the light on and off. With an old rotary phone sitting next to me. (I'm Fatal Attraction AND Audition. Why am I still single?) I WON'T BE IGNORED, MAME.

Ok, I'm kidding. I'm really knitting and watching Wendy and Lucy and sipping the Victorian Rose tea that EGT sent me. I'm still working on my stripey scarf. Since I have crafting ADD, I started another scarf, a grey one, but I ripped it apart when I hopelessly lost count of my knitting and purling. That is Very Bad and makes things ugly. In other news, I am 85 years old.

That's the truth. But I think the other story is more interesting. Don't you?

Oh Auntie Mame, Where've You Been? Or, why this is so *NOT* a knitting blog...

Yeah, I've been MIA for awhile. Sorry.
But I'm here now! Isn't that good enough for you?! OMG!!

Now that I'm back from my hiatus of under a rock, I've realized that I've missed the entire season of The Office, 30 Rock, and SNL. I should kill myself. I like to think I've kept the TV off because I'm waiting for Conan's triumphant induction as the Tonight Show host, and Jimmy Fallon's take on the old Conan show. I have loved Conan O'Brien since he first started out with Andy Richter, and his taking the helm of that God-awful Jay Leno P.O.S. marks a personal victory for me. And Jimmy Fallon - don't get me started. Yes, he laughs at his own jokes. Yes, he looked at the camera way too much on SNL. Yes, he has weird hair. But guess what? I DON'T CARE! I love him and I even own his CD. He's fucking hilarious; give him a chance.

I've been doing a lot of writing for my great American Novel (I was an English Major in college, we all have one) and am thinking of starting a separate blog to publish it. It's very fan-fiction-y (is that a word?) so it's not all that amazing, but it's been fun to write and has been kicking around in my head for a long time.

I've also decided that during my downtime - AKA summer - I am going to Jersey to spend time with Joan. I'll take Glow Bug with me and we'll just visit for an indeterminate amount of time. Joan will love that, and I'll get to bother Lady Bea ALL THE TIME!! BONUS!! I'm devoting this summer to finishing the aforementioned novel and getting down to my goal weight before I turn 30. Therefore my days will be spent running the blocks of my hometown, sweating through layers of clothes, and sitting in front of my laptop developing carpel tunnel.

More later, I'm busy babysitting my students while they watch Alice in Wonderland. It's the 1985 version with Telly Savalas as the Cheshire cat: anyone remember it? It's my favorite version!!

Finally some news...or, crap it has been awhile

Well first the good news: tomorrow we might get an offer on the house. Our realtor called and told us that a man made an appointment with her to specifically write up an offer. I hope it A) doesn't fall through and B) isn't a shitty offer. Granted this damn house has been on the market forever, but there's only so far I can lower the price before I'm still paying a damn mortgage, ya know? For those who don't know: in July the fam and I moved to WV (where Beau is from) and into Beau's parent's house. Our house was put on the market and we went about our lives expecting the house to sell sometime in October. Look at your calendars; it's April and we're just now getting a bid (well, not yet, but PRAY WE DO). It's been a long, hard road. We've been living in the little apartment/attic area over my in-laws garage and I've been trying to maintain my sanity without the use of recreational drugs.
Other thangs going on:

• I coach a middle school softball team that is now 4-1!! We rock!! It's a fun job, and the girls are so sweet; however, it is the reason I am never online anymore and can hardly find time to shower and shit each day.
• Beau and I saw Adventureland yesterday. It was cute. I wouldn't call it a comedy in the sense that it starred Kristin Wiig and therefore I was expecting some SNL-slapstick-nish, it was more like Juno comedy or Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. I loved all those movies, so I enjoyed it.
• On the recommendation of many, I've started to read the Sookie Stackhouse books that the HBO series "True Blood" is based on. They are hilarious and wonderful all at the same time. It makes me long (even more) for when I have my own house and can watch whatever the hell I want on HBO. I'm about a third of the way through the first book, and I've had a hard time putting it down. It's an easy read and very entertaining.
• I showed my class the newest Anne Frank movie starring Ben Kingsley as Otto Frank. It is BY FAR the best version of not only Anne's diary, but her biography I've ever seen. It had every student in every class crying at the end, and I teach some big, redneck boys, and some mean-looking footballers. Kingsley's portrayal of a father broken was so moving I almost called my own father to tell him I loved him. It was amazing. I highly recommend this movie to EVERYONE who is willing to listen to me, and that is a chore I don't take on easily.
• Beau got our Xbox Live back!! I can now watch my Netflix on demand movies!! I've discovered "The Whitest Kids U'Know" and I've finished the series "Head Case" both of which are so hilarious they deserve their own entry (forthcoming, promise!).

Looking ahead:

• More rain in lovely West Virginia, so a lot of the softball games have been cancelled. Maybe I'll have more time to write!!
• Glow and I are traveling up to Jersey to be with Joan, et. al. during Easter. We're making an adventure of it and driving up to visit "Two of Hearts" and then going the rest of the way the next day. Glow is a good traveller, we'll see how it goes.

Keeping the ideas featured in "The Secret":

• OUR HOUSE WILL SELL TOMORROW!!

Seriously...

Where've I been? Even I don't know.
Obama is president (thank the sweet LORD); my little dumplin's at work are still adorable; Glow Bug cracks me up on a daily basis, and living with my in-laws is slowly driving me mad.
Beau and I have taken to hiding up in our 'quarters' from about 8 pm on. It's been a boring, sad little existance all in all.
I'll write more when I have more to write. :-)

Phase III - Getting Ready

I got a job! Hallelujah ~ I got a job!! The town/school shares its name with a major weather disaster (West Virginia has: Tornado, Hurricane, Flood, etc.), but the school itself is adorable! I'll be teaching middle school for the first time; the students are either on grade level reading-wise or above, and it's the town that my late grandmother-in-law helped to develop so my name is very well known in the area. I'm looking forward to being pleasantly at ease for the first time ever at the start of the school year.

However, I have had this conversation with Bea:
Bea: How are you going to adjust going from an inner-city high school to a small town, middle school?
Me: Easily! I am so excited.
Bea: Or...
Me: Or I'll end up pinning some kid to the wall by October going, "Call me Bitch dammit!!"

So, it could go either way.

We have also found a school/daycare for Glow Bug. He is quickly becoming the outdoors man. He goes for walks with Duke by the river (or 'moat' as I call it), he's learning how to chase grasshoppers with the four-year old across the street, he prefers to pee outside, and has learned to outsmart Dame's mother to open the doors and get outside when she isn't looking. It will be good for him to get back to school and into a routine. As a mom, I am terrified for him to be the "new kid" although 2.5 year-olds generally get used to each other quickly. In my head I know that I've met his new teacher and she's adorable, I know that he is verbal and will tell us of any problems, and I know there won't be any. In my heart I see my little boy sad that we've dropped him off somewhere that he isn't used to, and not knowing anyone. I guess my worry makes me a good mother. Or an obsessive mother, either way.

I've forgotten how much I love the stillness here. It was one of the things I loved more than anything about going to college in West Virginia: at night, even during a crazy party, there was a stillness to the sky and world around you that I just can't describe. I love it here.

Again (partially because it worked last time), in honor of The Secret:
MY HOUSE WILL SELL BEFORE HALLOWEEN!!

Well that didn't take long....or, How Glow Bug is "potty trained"

Glow Bug is now potty trained.
Kinda.

He is wearing his under-roos, and loves to make runs to the potty. He's great with going "number 2" in the potty, announcing it, then flushing it down.

He will, however, only go number 1 in the grass or on the flowers outside.

He's an official West Viriginian. That didn't take long.