Showing posts with label Conversations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Conversations. Show all posts

Saturday, March 27, 2010

In Response to "A Short Play Concerning Motherhood, Woes and WebMD"

As proof that I'm not the lone craze in this tangeld web of friendship, I offer the following story:


About six months ago I was a [relatively] normal and would make [slightly] rational decisions. That all changed the day that Lady Bea called me up using her hyper-excited voice and told me to turn on "Criminal Minds" a show that I don't usually watch. Despite my groanings that the only TV I watch is stupid comedies, I was convinced to turn it on with promises of "Jaaaammmeessss Vaaaannn Der Beeeeeeek" - done; I started to watch.

The episode (well, episodes because it was a two-parter) was about a computer tech (James VanDerBeek) who would help people with computer issues and then start watching them via their webcam and, of course, go and murder them when they did something "ungodly".

Flashforward about four months to me sending help-request emails to the makers of LeapFrog because Glow Bug's Leapster 2 isn't working. It took about a week, but the helpdesk discovered that the toy had a defective part. It was at this point that I received this email:

Ms. Dennis:
In response to your problem, our analysis confirms that the SD card on your Leapster2 is not formatted correctly. Please provide your mailing address and a replacement will be shipped to you immediately.

Beau was excited: what great customer service! They identified the problem and were willing to fix it for free. I, however, had the realization that this was a bit too much like a certain episdode of Criminal Minds and therefore had a much different reaction.

Beau: Well, that's pretty cool. Now we don't have to buy anything.

ME: Yeah, but....they want our home address.

Beau: Yeah, that's generally how how the postal service works.

ME: But...

Beau: But what?

ME: What if this is some sort of creep who's going to take our addess and then stalk and kill us?

Beau: ...

ME: Omigod, we have a webcam! BEAU!! (at this point I disappear to the tool closet to get electric tape)

Beau: Babe, what the hell are you doing?

ME: Covering up the webcam lens!! Oh my God! He could be watching us right now!!

Beau (mutes the TV and turns to face me): Seriously?

ME: Look, Bea and I watched this show...

Beau: Oh, here it comes...

ME: ...and this computer help desk guy would get customer's information and then KILL THEM

Beau: Oh that's realistic

ME: It was!!!! I'm putting down your mother's address.

Beau: No you're not. Put down ours, but use my name rather than yours. Did the boogie man on TV kill men, too?

ME: I don't remember. Probably. Did I mention that this killer was played by Dawson?

Beau: ....

ME: James VanDerBeek!!

Beau: Yeah, I got that. I'm just waiting for you to hear yourself.



Long story short (too late!) I used Beau's name and in 7-10 business days the package came. The killer, however, did not. Yet.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

A Short Play Concerning Motherhood, Woes and WebMD

Bea: Oh, look. A missed call from Mame. [redials.] Hey!

Mame: I'd about given up on you.

Bea: Um...

Mame: I need you to do something for me.

Bea: Ok...

Mame: I need you to look up my symptoms on WedMD because I'm too scared.

Bea: No. I'm not doing that. That way lies madness. What's wrong?

Mame: I'm having these pains above my left hip. It REALLY hurts.

Bea: Uh-huh...like between your belly and your hip?

Mame: Yes!

Bea: Yeah, that's your whatchamacallits stretching. Because you're like, a million months pregnant. You know...those things...they start with an "L..."

Mame: Ligaments?

Bea: Yeah, those. Andie* was just complaining to me about that. You're fine. If it's still bothering you tomorrow, call your doctor.

Mame: But what if it's my appendix? And I have appendicitis? And me AND the baby die of sepsis? HUH? WHAT. THEN.

Bea: Your appendix is on your right side.

Mame: ...Oh. Well, what if it's my gall bladder?

Bea: [quick Google search] Your gall bladder is also on your right side.

Mame: YOU JUST LOOKED THAT UP.

Bea: Yes. Yes, I did. But it's on your RIGHT side.

Mame: What if it's my kidneys?

Bea: Your kidneys are in your back. You're fine. You're pregnant. Go to bed.

Mame: FINE. I HATE YOU.

Bea: I know you do.

Fin.

*Andie is also pregnant! She and Mame are due within weeks of each other! It's a very exciting time!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Thursday Night TV...WOOO!

A brief conversation between my and my brother, BW:

BW: Dude. You aren't watching The Vampire Diaries, are you?
Me: Yes! HAHAHA! I hope it's terrible!
BW: Yeah, I think you'll get your wish...

(So far, it's pretty bad and bearing almost NO resemblance to the books. Bah. Blatant Twilight rip-off, which is just...sad. And I think I despise the girl playing Elena.)

Also, tonight is the season premiere of Supernatural! I stumbled over this Open Letter to Eric Kripke last night and...OH MY GOD, DO I AGREE. Seriously, Supernatural writers, try to be less douchy. I love your show but I'm tired of feeling guilty about it because of the consistent racism and misogyny. Enough already. I know you all aren't stupid and you really can't pretend that you don't KNOW that you're doing it. And even if you weren't aware, more discerning fans have been pointing it out for years. STOP. REALLY. I'd like my eye candy and my horror homages and my dark plot twists to be less RAGE-INDUCING. Thanks!

Also, how much am I going to go see Fame? HA. SO MUCH. I absolutely adore a good peforming arts high school drama! I even rented that one with Hillary Duff...which lasted about 10 minutes because it was TERRIBLE. And Center Stage is one of my favorite movies! HA.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Lately....or, how Bea has abandoned our Blog...

As loyal followers of this blog know, in July my dearest (Beau) moved myself and our three year old to his parents' home in order to take a more lucrative job. We put our house for sale and moved three states away. I love the state we have moved to; however, we are still living with Beau's parents. Things are getting a bit out of control and I might soon have to take someone down a la Jimmy Cagney from White Heat. I'm losing my mind.


Problem from the Get-Go:


We don't have full cable. My father-in-law, Lord, pays for full cable, but only gets about fifty one channels. He seems to be OK with this because our pleas for satellite that we'll pay to install are rebuffed: insisting that his cable company is "going to improve." Seriously. I am still without Comedy Central, Food Network, or Bravo, amongst others.


How this has gotten worse:


We really only watch about two things: Mountaineer sports or M*A*S*H. Don't get me wrong, I like a good Hawkeye/BJ prank as much as the next guy, but I've seen about every episode twice. There's only so much good natured Corney-ness I can stomach without wanting to rip the TV off the wall and throw it across the room in an effort to make Hot Lips see how stupid Frank really is.



Problem from the get-go:

Lady's mother, The Duchess (sadly, not Fergie), is also living here. She's 80 and a survivor of three husbands (they all died, not divorced), cancer (breast and colon), and numerous falls which left her with a myriad of broken bones (including her face). She's an amazing woman who educated herself and supported herself and her two young daughters when her first husband died, and carries the weight of both her screwed-up family and her tiny town on her shoulders.



How this has gotten worse:

Remember the great aunt from "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation"? Because I live with her. She means well, really she does, but she's going senile and I'm going slightly mad. The other day she made macaroni and cheese which is delicious, then when no one ate the left overs, she made macaroni salad because she forgot that she had already put the cheese in it. So now we have macaroni and cheese with carrots, Miracle Whip, and onions. It's, well, not good. I realize that she doesn't want to be wasteful (she washes Styrofoam plates) but her passive-aggressive comments about how I'm not helping need to stop.

I don't like onions. I've never complained about not liking onions, I just pick them off of whatever food is made with them and go about my day. Well, one time she saw me do that and we talked about it. I assured her that I would always eat anything she made and not to worry about it. Now she dramatically comments on all the things I don't eat. Since then, she watches my plate at dinner and when I don't get a spoonful of something the comment, "You don't eat (that) either?! What do you eat?"

Then she got very mad at me for throwing away my yogurt after it had accidentally frozen in the back of the refrigerator, thawed out, and then froze again. She said I was being ridiculous because we eat frozen yogurt all the time! It's still OK. Dude, the stuff smelled like the wash from last month that you forgot to put in the dryer.

Problem from the get-go:

Glow Bug is now living with his mother, his aunt, his grandmother, and his great-grandmother. There is only proverbial Indian and four proverbial chiefs.

How this has gotten worse:

My darling little Glow Bug is becoming a brat. If mommy says no, dammit if one of the others says "Of course!" Beau and I talked about this yesterday and finally had to have a talk with the family about it. When Glow does something wrong, we all try to correct the behavior and he gets really confused. So during our sit down with the fam, we insisted that when he misbehaves that Beau or I need to be the ones to speak and deal with it. Now, we've had this talk before, and it will last for about a week before going back to the aforementioned, anti PC, turn-of-the-century saying about chiefs and Indians.

Things are clearly hitting a breaking point. And by "hitting a breaking point" I mean I'm about to become a scrolling headline on Fox News.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

An Excerpt From A Phone Conversation Between Mame and Bea

Mame: What are you watching?

Bea: Supernatural. Hey, this episode is called "Criss Angel Is A Douchebag."

Mame: Hahaha, really? That's funny, actually.

Bea: I didn't know you could say "douchebag" on network television, but apparently, you can. They've said it like, 20 times already.

Mame: Douchebags are hygienic products...

Bea: I take that as a compliment! HAHAHAH, I love you!

Mame: Of course you do.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

FITA Revealed...Or, after 2 years it's about time

Kevin Smith once said that the characters he writes into his stories and scripts are the kinds he wishes he had in the real world: they talk in long soliloquies, and they have a vast knowledge of pop culture. If I were to create the world I wish I lived in, it would be written much like that of the infamous VC Andrews book, Flowers in the Attic. Movements would be “spin around with their legs flashing through a thin negligee.” There would be face-cupping and the swelling of “rigid male sex”. Teenage girls will wish for things like, "Let me have all those swelling curves that men desire." Every breath would be “aghast” and every uncle would be fucking hot.
Wait. Is that weird?

In my world, however, the protagonist wouldn’t be quite so whiney. Catherine Dollanganger (Cathy - the narrator) had a hard life I’ll give her that, but her gratuitous use of the word “daddy” when referencing her father, and her constant complaining about everything anyone does good for her makes me want to Chuck-Norris-Kick her most of the time.

We all know the story: Cathy and her siblings get locked in an attic because her Mother is an fucking retard and presumably doesn’t understand math, so when their father dies she decides to move in with her emotionally and physically abusive, albeit rich, parents.

If I were Cathy and Momma told me of this plan, I would have had the common sense to argue the following points:

  • Problem number one: the grandparents live in a house called “Foxworth Hall.” Nothing good has EVER happened in a house with a name that ends in “Hall.” Or “Manor” for that matter. Nothing. Ok, maybe Toad Hall.
  • Problem number two: Cathy has NEVER heard of grandparents then all of a sudden they are off to not just visit but live there? Really?
  • Problem number three: The kids are told that they have to ‘hide’ in the house because old granddad is sick. Really Mom? Hide in the attic? How ‘bout you just scrub up and start flipping some damn burgers at McDonalds? Oh I get it. You’re too good for that. But you aren’t too good to f your uncle, have his kids, lock them in your parents’ house, and then slowly starve and kill them off? Huh.

Now I understand that Cathy couldn't have foreseen quite all that, but still! -that’s what happens.

Did I mention that the grandmother, Olivia, announces that Cathy's parents, Corrine and Christopher, Sr., were really uncle and niece? Because she did. Then she calls the Cathy and her siblings (older brother Christopher, and the younger twin boy and girl) the "Devil’s Spawn" and pours tar into Cathy’s hair forcing her to cut it short and Christopher, Jr. to pee in it to loosen the tar. Hilarity!

So whatever, they spend a lot of time in the attic that adjoins their room. Now let’s talk about this attic. This attic isn’t like the crouch down split-level attic at my mother, Joan’s, place. No, this attic is an entire floor of treasures! What a happy coincidence, there is a school room up there! That’s not random at all! Oh and there’s a ballet barre, that’s not weird! Boxes of books? Check! Tons of decades old and not expired medical equipment, done! I should note here that I always thought that the attic never sounded so bad, but then again, I’m a homebody by nature. They decorate the attic with paper flowers – hence the name of the book, and Cathy teaches the twins to read and write. They put an old mattress on the roof so they can tan and the twins can get the sunshine they need, and – oh yeah – so Chris and Cathy could totally get it on.

What? The brother and sister? Yes, gentle readers. See, the years pass and Cathy and Chris were teenagers (I don’t think that word ONE is given to how she deals with her womanly curse, but I may be mistaken). Anyway, they begin to develop sexual feelings towards one another. Well, mainly Chris does for Cathy, but she confesses that she would watch him change and even at one point measure his unit. Nice. Chris just loves, loves, loves Cathy but she keeps saying that they must really be the devil’s spawn if they feel this way. That’s right, Cathy, you are!! Long story short, one night he rapes her on the mattress they kept on the roof for sun. It’s not really rape, she is just very conflicted about whether this is what she wants or not.

Shortly thereafter, the mother successfully kills one of Cathy’s younger siblings: a twin named Cory. This makes Carrie (his aforementioned twin sister) go a bit crazy and self destructive. This is the final straw for the threesome who begins to sneak out to steal items they can later pawn. I’ve never understood why they let it go this far.

I lived in a suburb of New Jersey and it felt so much like a deathtrap that I started sneaking out before I knew what to do once I did it. Cathy was literally in a deathtrap and it took her FOUR YEARS before she was like, “You know, we need to bust out.”The book ends with just that. Christopher, Cathy, and Carrie do indeed leave the house, catch a bus and decide to travel to Florida with the money and items they have taken with them. Cory is long dead and buried who knows where, Carrie is all emo and for good reason, Cathy is walking differently thanks to her brother’s “rigid male sex,” and Chris is sporting a Lancelot haircut.

*SIGH* Have I mentioned how much I freakin’ love this book?

Monday, January 5, 2009

In Honor of Our Friendship...

Just a little insight into this amazing friendship I have.
I wanted to give you all a glimpse into Bea's inbox. On any typical day, the Lady Bea can expect the following email from me:
My Dearest:
So my little darlings are watching, "Tuck Everlasting" and it's such a sweet movie/story. However, there are quite a few pieces that make my sick mind chortle, nay, laugh hysterically. Have you seen the movie and/or read the book? You whore I know you have. Get back to me.

I get bored easily. She's the Marcy to my Peppermint Patty, if we were young cartoons or gay. *sigh* Sadly, we aren't either.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Book Review, Twilight…or, Calm Down Girls.

Since I’ve been teaching middle school this year, the girls have been going ape-shit over this Twilight series. As the weeks progressed I realized that my own, adult friends and sister were as well. I resist such things crazy fads normally - it took my cousin buying me the first Harry Potter book, and writing on the inside cover “read it for me!” before I would bother with it.
As Beau can attest, I spent the entire weekend with my head shoved into the books and was pleasantly surprised. I don’t like fantasy, vampire stuff usually, but this was a very sweet tale and pretty well written.

As a mother and teacher I liked that despite everything they waited until they were married before “doing it” (these books are for middle schoolers after all), and that the main characters both had really high moral characters. There was enough action to keep me interested and enough sweet, sticky, romance to turn my rather gruff, comedic exterior into mush. I would put my books down and cuddle up to Beau and he would laugh rather hard at me because this is not how I am. I suppose that means the books had an impact on me.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Phase III - Getting Ready

I got a job! Hallelujah ~ I got a job!! The town/school shares its name with a major weather disaster (West Virginia has: Tornado, Hurricane, Flood, etc.), but the school itself is adorable! I'll be teaching middle school for the first time; the students are either on grade level reading-wise or above, and it's the town that my late grandmother-in-law helped to develop so my name is very well known in the area. I'm looking forward to being pleasantly at ease for the first time ever at the start of the school year.

However, I have had this conversation with Bea:
Bea: How are you going to adjust going from an inner-city high school to a small town, middle school?
Me: Easily! I am so excited.
Bea: Or...
Me: Or I'll end up pinning some kid to the wall by October going, "Call me Bitch dammit!!"

So, it could go either way.

We have also found a school/daycare for Glow Bug. He is quickly becoming the outdoors man. He goes for walks with Duke by the river (or 'moat' as I call it), he's learning how to chase grasshoppers with the four-year old across the street, he prefers to pee outside, and has learned to outsmart Dame's mother to open the doors and get outside when she isn't looking. It will be good for him to get back to school and into a routine. As a mom, I am terrified for him to be the "new kid" although 2.5 year-olds generally get used to each other quickly. In my head I know that I've met his new teacher and she's adorable, I know that he is verbal and will tell us of any problems, and I know there won't be any. In my heart I see my little boy sad that we've dropped him off somewhere that he isn't used to, and not knowing anyone. I guess my worry makes me a good mother. Or an obsessive mother, either way.

I've forgotten how much I love the stillness here. It was one of the things I loved more than anything about going to college in West Virginia: at night, even during a crazy party, there was a stillness to the sky and world around you that I just can't describe. I love it here.

Again (partially because it worked last time), in honor of The Secret:
MY HOUSE WILL SELL BEFORE HALLOWEEN!!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Things That Are Awesome!

Ok. I'm not cool. I'm a giant dork, ok? I mean, I'm a My Chemical Romance fan, for God's sake. A big one. But whatever. Here's some stuff that I think is pretty cool:

  1. These two ladies: Sarah Haskins and Kristen Schaal. Seriously, these women are HILARIOUS. Mame and I might have girl crushes on both of them. Sarah Haskins does these analyses on commercials directed at women that are both hysterically funny and cringe-inducing. My personal favorites are the ones on wedding shows ("She's TOO FAT to get married!") and cooking ("I should have married my college boyfriend!") Oh, the one on yogurt is pretty funny too. Kristen Schaal is a contributor to The Daily Show, where she is adorable and funny, but Mame and I know her better as Bret's stalker, Mel on Flight of the Conchords. (Oh my GOD, when is that show coming back? WHEN?) We love her.
  2. The Dark Knight. I can't believe it, but it's every bit worth the hype. I'll write a proper review later! I'm sure you're all holding your breath for it! Heh.
  3. The previews before The Dark Knight! DUDE. The preview for Watchmen! I can't WAIT. 2009?!??! BITCHES. Also, the preview for Twilight* looks SO HILARIOUSLY BAD. I can't WAIT. My mom and I had this to say after viewing it:
Me: Wow. That looks SO cheesy and bad!
Mom: I know!
Me: It's gonna suck!
Mom: Yeah, it really is.
Me: I can't wait!
Mom: Me neither!

  1. The bands The Hush Sound and This Is Ivy League.
  2. The original cover copy of Gates of Paradise by V.C. Andrews that Mame sent me as a belated birthday gift. The book itself is not good. I mean, more not good than usual. It's a shame that the Casteel series took such a downward turn at the end. The first two books are awesome. Both Annie and Leigh need to shut up NOW. Whiny bitches.
*I have read and enjoyed all three Twilight novels. Um. They're not what you'd call...literature. Or even good. Stephenie Meyer is NO JK Rowling. But they are entertaining. I routinely want to slap the main character, Bella upside her head. And I don't think Edward, her vampire not-lover is all that awesome either. I think everyone I know should read them and then we will all go see the movie together at some matinee that will NOT be full of 13-year old fangirls and we will all make hearty fun of it. Who's in?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I need to get this off my chest...no it's not my bra...

I'm so annoyed, that I'm sick to my stomach. Ugh.

As Bea told you all, we are in the process of moving. It has been a ridiculous stresser and brings me to tears literally everyday. I have spent six years building a home only to have to pack up more than half of it and still try to live. Every day I clean my house like it's a hotel, and then sit and wait for someone to come by and want a look-see. I've been living like this for a little over two weeks and we've shown the house twice so far. The comments from the agents that showed the house were, "Well, it's getting there: there's still some de-cluttering and cleaning to be done." You know what, fuck you. I have a two year old, and am doing this alone. Beau is already in West Virginia and comes home when he can (usually on the weekends), so I'm just giving this a go alone. Of course a house across the street that has the exact same floor plan as ours just went up for sale, about $6,000 less that what we're trying to sell for. Of course what buyers don't know is that someone killed themselves in that house and the now owner just wants out of it. They are selling for barely tax value. We're screwed.

Shortly I'll be packing up little Glow Bug and moving to Beau's parents' house where we will stay until this house sells. We'll be there for months. I'm trying to be OK with that; reminding myself that trees that don't bend in the wind will break. I think I am going to look at this move as a clean slate. We'll live with Beau's parents and little Glow Bug will be so happy (he loves it there), we'll save money, we won't have to rush, so we'll be able to find the perfect house. The good thing is that Beau and I will be together again; Glow Bug isn't adapting well to his absence. I'm thinking of trying a new career; letting the youth of America be without me for awhile. If I fail miserably I can go back to education. It's exciting. The biggest draw back is that we can't take our two darling cats with us to the parents' house. Big Beau just had open heart surgery and Old Lady Gran tends to fall and break things like bones, so it was asked that we don't bring our kitties until we have a place of our own. Luckily our neighbor here has offered to foster them until that happens; however, I'm going to really miss the late night back massages from Sidda Lee kneading my back, tripping out the front door in the morning as Bucky runs ahead of me to do his morning cricket chases, and of course I'm going to really miss watching Glow Bug sleep snuggled next to Bucky - we call them Calvin and Hobbes.

*sigh*

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

A Day in the Life of One of My Students (male, springtime)

  • Wake up
  • change boxers
  • put on gym shorts - pull them to waist and tie them tight to stay there.
  • Trip over various XBOX 360games and hundred dollar shoes. Pick up jeans from the floor. Pull them to just below the crack of ass (top of thigh); use belt with overly decorative buckle to secure them there.
  • Go to closet; look through hangers of plain, white, XXXXL tee shirts, and holler to mother, "Where is my new white tee?" When she explains that it's still in the trunk of her car, roll eyes and drop head dramatically. Decide to wear the plain, white, XXXXL tee on the hanger closest to the door because it is probably "the freshest."
  • Rummage under bed to find the left show of the white-on-white Air Force Ones with the sock in the toe so as to prevent any unseemly creases on the toe of the shoe.
  • Head to bus stop. Consider picking up one of the pens or pencils from the cup at the door, but ultimately decide against it because you don't feel like carrying it all day.
  • While at bus stop, have a lengthy discussion with peers about the merits/demerits of Lebron James vs. Kobe Bryant.
  • This argument lasts well through the bus ride, and on into the breakfast, wherein a dusty biscuit with a meat patty is joyfully referred to as a "sunrise sausage sandwich."
  • Continue debate over Kobe vs. Lebron.
  • Bell rings for first block. Consider putting trash into receptacle, but when KC makes a crack about Kobe's baby hook in the first quarter of last night's game, get distracted and leave trash on the table with everyone else's.
  • In hall walk with peers shoulder to shoulder, thus preventing anyone from passing by, and causing a huge 'traffic jam' in the hall by the men's bathroom where you all like to 'hang out.'
  • Be sure to join in on the jokes at the expense of the boy everyone agrees is homosexual, then laugh heartily when a peer slaps another in the groin and doubles over in pain. How fun!
  • Continue to play this 'tagging' game of grabbing each other's crotch until the bell sounds again and you all go your separate ways to class.
  • At various times through the day: make teachers give you a pencil, turn in your math homework (it's the sheet folded seven times in your pocket), reprise the 'tagging' game every time you see a peer in the hallway, complain about having to work with the smart boy in class, even if he is technically your cousin, hug random girls in the hall, text message your peers during the lecture of what will be on tomorrow's exam, continue the Kobe/Lebron discussion.
  • At lunch, reassure coach that you're doing dine -and no you don't know why your English teacher would tell him you were coming unprepared to class. You've been there everyday, haven't you?!
  • On the bus back to home, debrief with peers regarding what everyone heard happened in the club last night. This leads to a discussion of Kanye West vs. Usher. Agree that although Usher can move better, Kanye can dress! Oh, and make sure to make fun of that homosexual boy who quietly gets off at the next stop. Continue discussion of Kanye's 'style.'
  • Once at home, explain to mother that you don't have time to go and buy a notebook for English - and why is this teacher harassing you so much?! Agree that you'll try to do better next time.
  • Retire upstairs and play Xbox Live until you fall asleep some three hours later.

Repeat for next day!!

Friday, May 30, 2008

It's ANNE OF GREEN GABLES NOT AVONLEA BEA!! Or, Auntie Mame's book reviews of her favorite Canadian series

Lucy Maude Montgomery wrote A LOT. Probably her most famous books, however, are the Anne of Green Gables series. To quote myself from the aforementioned comment "Joan bought Dolly the "Little House" series and bought me car-seat covers. Wait, that may have been two different Christmas's. Oh well. I never read the Little House books, partially because they were boring as all get out and partially because Joan went on and on about how her grandmother was friends with Laura Ingles Wilder and mentioned in the book. Because of how famously Joan lied, I was immediately disillusioned with the books and used them as a book end for the same brown bookcase for many a year. When a friend of mine bought me the "Anne of Green Gables" books I read them almost in defiance of Joan wanting me to read the "Little House" books (they were Canadian and apple farmers, as opposed to American settlers). I may be a little long-winded about some of the better books, but you'll understand.

ANNE OF GREEN GABLES:
I think everyone in the world knows what this story is about; basically, it covers Anne's first 5 years in the town of Avonlea, Prince Edward Island, Canada (hehe, they call their island PEI and I think that is adorable). She’s about 11 at the beginning when she is sent from an orphanage to the “Green Gables Estate” to work as a farm hand. It turns out that brother and sister Marilla and Mathew (HELLO VC Andrews!!) Cuthbert own Green Gables and sent to the orphanage for a ‘farm boy’ to help now that they are older. At first, Marilla wants to send Anne back, but she wins her over and she can stay. Anne’s antics throughout the book include her rivalry with Gilbert Blythe, dyeing her hair, using liniment rather than vanilla in a cake, and falling off of Mrs. Barry's roof. We meet her friends, Diana, Jane and Ruby all of whom she calls her ‘kindred spirits,’ her rivalries with the Pye sisters (Gertie and Josie), and of course her antics with Gilbert as they vie to be the best in the class. So much stuff happens in this book it is impossible to explain in one short paragraph. Basically you need to know that Gilbert is a nice guy and does everything he can for his BFF, Anne.

ANNE OF AVONLEA
This book is about Anne’s time in Avonlea from when she is sixteen to eighteen. Title of the book is fitting, because Anne is no longer simply "of Green Gables" as she was in the previous book, but now takes her place among the "important" people of Avonlea society, as its only schoolteacher. She is also a founding member of the A.V.I.S. (the Avonlea Village Improvement Society), which tries to improve (with questionable results) the Avonlea landscape. Marilla adopts twins. Davy and Dora. They are the children of Marilla's third cousin and she adopts them when their mother dies. Dora is a nice well behaved girl, while Davy is a little more of a handful and gets into many scrapes. I’m only lukewarm to this book; I’m not sure why, but it serves to introduce us to some hilarious townsfolk.

ANNE OF THE ISLAND – or as I call it, my favorite book of this series. Seriously.
Anne attends Redmond College in Kingsport, where she is studying for her BA. At first, she lives in a boardinghouse, but later shares a house with her old friends from Queen's, Priscilla and Stella, her new friend Phil (short for Phillipa) and Stella's Aunt Jamesina, who takes care of the house for the girls. Oh, yeah they have these three cats, Rusty, Joseph and Sarah-Cat. Anne gets to visit the home of her birth parents and learns about who she ‘would have been’ if it weren’t for Marilla.
We learn just what a hottie Annie is – three men are vying for her love. She gets her first proposal. Anne refuses, amused at this very unromantic first proposal (he asks her through his sister who is kinda friends with Anne). Then Charlie Sloane also proposes to her, but she turns him down. Then (finally) Gilbert proposes to Anne, telling her he loves her more than anything. Anne turns him down, saying that she can never love him and wants to continue to be friends. Gilbert remarks how friendship will never satisfy him and leaves saying he was deceived into thinking she did care. I know this sounds like ‘the same old story’ but remember – this was the FIRST story to do it!! Any who she meets Roy Gardner, and they court, but when Roy proposes, Anne realizes she can't marry him; mainly because he doesn't have a sense of humor. She graduates and goes home to Avonlea only to learn that Gilbert is sick and possible dying. She rushes to him and nurses him back to health. As Gilbert recovers he constantly visits Anne. Though happy to be friends again, Anne is no longer just satisfied with Gilbert's friendship. She wants his love. On a walk Gilbert tells her of one of his unfulfilled dreams which involves her as his wife. He then proposes again, and Anne says yes – FINALLY!

ANNE OF WINDY POPLARS or ANNE OF WINDY WILLOWS (Depending on which version you buy)
Anne is engaged to Gilbert, she is a principal at Summerside High School where she has to deal with the Pringle clan, Katherine Brooke, and plenty of other interesting folks. The book is named after the boardinghouse she lives in called Windy Poplars with two elderly widows, Aunt Kate and Aunt Chatty, plus their housekeeper, Rebecca Dew, and their cat, Dusty Miller. At the end of the novel, Anne departs Summerside, returning to Green Gables and Avonlea for her wedding to Gilbert.

ANNE'S HOUSE OF DREAMS
The book starts with Anne's marriage with Gilbert, which is very small and happens in the Green Gables orchard. After the marriage, they move to a house that Anne calls her "house of dreams", in Four Winds Point. Anne and Gilbert meet many interesting people, such as the eccentric Captain Jim and the man-hater Miss Cornelia Bryant. Anne also meets Leslie Moore, who lost her beloved brother and her father, and then was forced to marry Dick Moore because of her mother. It’s this whole Titanic story and I could kind of care less about this character at first, but she’s fairly significant at the end. OK, then Anne gives birth to her first child, Joyce, who dies shortly afterwards. It’s this whole thing and now that I am a mother, I might need to read this again so I can cry a lot more.

ANNE OF INGLESIDE
This book is more about Anne's children than Anne herself. The story starts nine years after where "Anne's House of Dreams" left us, when Anne is making a visit to Avonlea. Apparently Anne and Gilbert did love each other a whole lot because they have A LOT of children. When she returns home to the old Morgan house, now named '"Ingleside", we are introduced to her five children (I stole a lot of this from my online sources as I don’t remember each child that clearly):


  • James Matthew "Jem" Blythe: Jem is named for Captain Jim and Anne's foster parent Matthew Cuthbert, or as Anne puts it, "The two finest gentlemen, [she knows]" from Anne's house of dreams. The only one of Anne's children born in the House of Dreams, Jem has curly red hair, hazel eyes, his mother's nose and his father's mouth.
  • Walter Cuthbert Blythe: Walter is named after Anne's birth father and adoptive family, (Cuthbert), and is quite the handsomest of the children. He has straight black hair and finely modeled features. Walter is thought of by the Glen St. Mary boys as girly, because he never fights and rarely plays sports, preferring to read books alone.
  • Anne "Nan" Blythe: One of the Ingleside twins, Nan is Blythe by name and blithe by nature, being a dainty little maiden with velvety nut-brown eyes and silky nut-brown hair. Her complexion is almost flawless, and she has been well aware of this since she was very young. "Nan" is named for her mother.
  • Diana "Di" Blythe: Diana is the other Ingleside twin, named after Anne's childhood friend, Diana Barry Wright. She looks a lot like her mother, with red hair and gray-green eyes. She is special chums with Walter, who tells her his secrets and lets her read his verses. Di is also her father's favorite, because of her similarity with Anne and because she is very much like him in qualities and personality, having his practical bent and common sense and his twinkling sense of humor.
  • Shirley Blythe (this is a boy): Anne was very sick after giving birth to Shirley, so the Blythe housekeeper, Susan Baker, had to take care of him, and the baby soon became her favorite out of the Ingleside children. Shirley calls Susan 'Mother Susan', and goes to her to have his bruises kissed and his cuts washed. Shirley is quiet and doesn't like to be forced to talk, liking to play on his own. He is known as the little brown boy, because he has brown eyes, hair and skin, he is also remarked as taking after Gilbert's father, John. Shirley was named for Anne's maiden family name.
  • Bertha Marilla "Rilla" Blythe: The youngest of the Ingleside children, Rilla is named after Anne's birth mother and adoptive "mother", Marilla. She was born a roly-poly plump baby, and remained so until she was seven. She had red hair, which later turned a ruddy-brown color, and brown eyes.

If you really enjoyed those books, there are two more “official” Lucy Maude Montgomery “Anne” books. I’ve never read them, but they are Rainbow Valley and Rilla of Ingleside about the aforementioned youngest daughter. Rainbow Valley takes place in WWI and is apparently the only Canadian WWI book told from a woman's point of view.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

A Grammar Lesson!

Meanwhile, on the phone:

Bea: I'm going to put up a post on the blog about what order you should read the Little House books in.*

Mame: HA! You just ended that sentence in a preposition! You suck.

Bea: I'm going to put up a post on the blog about what order you should read the Little House books in, FUCKFACE.

Mame: MUCH better.

*I really am. Expect it soon!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Danielle Steele Hearts The Nazis

I wish that the title of this weren't true; alas, it is. The "proof is in the pudding" as they say. In the next two blogs bea and myself will be writing book reviews of two of Ms. Steele's most famous books, Jewels and The Ring both of which involve a steamy love affair with an affluent Nazi. Seriously. Why doesn't she just title one of her books Mein Kampf and get it over with? Anyway.
Enjoy the next two blogs as soon as they are put up.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

A Short Play Re: iPods and Their Headphones

Dramatis Personae: Bea, Bea's Mom, Frank the iPod

[Bea blathers on about her iPod and music on it and playlists, pretty much as per usual. Bea's Mom is turning the headphones over in her hand.]

Bea's Mom: I didn't realize until YESTERDAY, that the headphones have a little "L" and an "R" on them. [laughs] Duh!

Bea: [blinks.]

Bea's Mom: You know, for left and right. [Bea is still blinking at her.] FOR WHICH EAR TO PUT THEM IN?

Bea: Um, they do? [looks at headphones.] OH! They do! Is that why sometimes I can't hear very well and then I freak out and worry that I'm going deaf? OH! Good! I'm just STUPID! What a relief!

Bea's Mom: [shakes head.]

fin.

Friday, January 18, 2008

OMG

Now, this is normally not our 'thing': to hyperlink our readers movie clips, etc; however, this is 100% what I feel like. The people in charge need to have this dialogue or at least listen to it.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/83c89d331a

Monday, January 7, 2008

Hey Bea! Hey come here, shut the door. Look I made cookies! OK, sit down. We need to talk.

Dear Bea,

I wanted to write you this letter to inform you that if you do not get help today I will close out my half of the blog.

When we first decided to create a blog together, we discussed topics like the 34th Anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, you reviewd the movie Children of Men, and the state of our country's educational system.

When you went decided that every aspect of our real identities needed to be hidden because you saw that one Lifetime Made-For-TV-movie about stalkers, I understood. In fact, you chose a name based on Shakespeare. SHAKESPEARE BEA!! But now, now I feel like I don't even know you. Your entries on Friday Night Lights, My Chemical Romance, and Supernatural are starting to worry me. I guess I should have noticed the signs when you wrote that entry about Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry. But, to be honest, I liked that song a lot too.

At first, sure I thought it was funny. It was fun - I even wrote a little about Lindsay Lohan. But then you started prattling on about The Golden Compass and then the writer's strike happened and it seems you've plunged deeply into this, this place that I can't seem to pull you out of.
We used to write one or two blogs about our silly ways, but we peppered each entry with witty Dennis-Miller-esc comments that seemed to us to be so far above the average blogger's intelligence. Remember that, Bea? Remember when we used to be unique?

I am doing this because I love you. Because I love this blog. Because I am afraid that one day I will wake up to a blog entry written about "How Cool the VC Andrews Broken Flower Books Are." Do you know that thought keeps me up some nights? The idea of my brainy, clumsy, Lisa Loeb glasses wearing friend will start enjoying the ghost writer that has claimed our beloved VC Andrews style?

I am writing this to you today, Lady Bea, to ask you to get help. Will you get help?

Friday, December 21, 2007

Eh...Sums It Up.

[On the phone again.]

Mame: [telling a long story.] ...and I'm leaving out tons of it because it's all long and histrionic!

Bea: Aaaand so's our friendship.

Mame: Touche, my friend.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

A Brief Snippet of A Phone Conversation Betwixt Mame and Bea

Mame: ...blah blah blah Kurt Cobain...

Bea: What? From Growing Pains? Why are you talking about him? Have you been watching his scary televangelist show again? 'Cause I've told you...

Mame: BEA. I SAID, "KURT COBAIN." FROM NIRVANA. AS IN, "SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT." ARE YOU HIGH?

Bea: ...no? I don't know what's wrong with me! My brain just jumped right to Kirk Cameron!

Mame: The first name isn't even the same!

Bea: Yeah...I...don't know.

Mame: [judgmental sigh]

Clearly, I'm an idiot.