What Is Bea Watching This Television Season?

...Because I know you were all wondering. It's the question on everyone's (no one's) minds! Believe it or not, I don't feel like I watch a lot of television. I despise having shows meted out to me on a weekly basis and then pulled for months at a time. IT ANNOYS ME A LOT. I really prefer to mainline a show on DVD, but then I miss out on discussing it with with everyone else and reading reviews and articles, etc.

Returning Shows

• The Walking Dead. Dude. Zombies. Come on. I agree with everyone else who says that season one had an pretty awesome pilot and then the rest...kinda...sucked? It was very uneven. There were parts that were cool (the zombie attack on the camp, the showdown at the CDC) and parts that sucked (Um. The rest), but I was still curious enough to pop in for season two. It's better that the first season. I know that seems like faint praise, but it really is better. Some of the existing problems from season one are still around, like the pacing issues (Either kill Sophia off or fucking find her. LIKE, YESTERDAY), they still don't really know how to handle the Lori/Shane/Rick triangle (Lori and Shane need to come clean - they aren't really at fault, they truly thought Rick was dead and who could blame them - and then they have a threeway relationship. Shit. It's the zombie apocalypse. Have a threeway. Who cares?), and I still don't feel like they've really found their own internal logic and rules for their particular zombie apocalypse. They sure don't treat it like a biological contagion, what with everyone unconcernedly getting zombie goo on them all the time, but it's clearly communicable through bites, so what the fuck? SO. ANYWAY. The Walking Dead: better than last season, for real. The Shane twist was pretty great and I'm hoping it gets that character (who has potential and I like the actor) out of that rut (PUN SO INTENDED) that he's been in. The show needs to figure out some cool shit to do with Glenn, and either do something with Andrea or kill her off. While she's got a point re: Dale's paternalism, her incessant whinging about it drives me crazy. (The show, in general, kind of doesn't know what do with women. Are there any women on that writing staff? If not, fucking hire some.) Of course, I also watch The Talking Dead, because I love Chris Hardwick.
  
• Criminal Minds. I slacked off last season because the firing of 66.6666667% of the female cast members REALLY pissed me off. And apparently it pissed everyone else off because, OH LOOK! They brought Emily and JJ back because the most important thing about this show is the chemistry of the cast! Imagine that! So, I'm back. Spencer Reid is still pretty.
• Sons of Anarchy. Oh God, I hated the Ireland story last season SO MUCH. I, um, didn't watch the last three or so episodes because it was so painfully annoying. It's better this season. (Sensing a theme? Heh.)
• Community. I'm not a regular watcher. I pop in from time to time, mostly to see if Joel McHale will take his shirt off or if a piano will fall on Chevy Chase. ...What?

New (To Me) Shows

• Parks & Recreation. Oh, this is such a gem of a show, you guys. I love it! It's so...good-natured. Every time I wait for it to get awkward and cringe-inducing (like The Office), it almost never does! I love all the characters SO much. Leslie Knope! Is there another character like her on television? AND I LOVE RON SWANSON. RON. I AM DARK-HAIRED AND NOT-ENTIRELY-UNATTRACTIVE AND CAN PREPARE YOU BREAKFAST FOODS!!! MARRY ME.

New Shows

• Homeland. This is a really, really great show. Damian Lewis and Claire Danes are AMAZING in their roles and the supporting cast is awesome too. I like how unflinching and harsh it is. I love that I'm never entirely sure what's going on, who I can believe, if I can ever accept what I see in flashbacks. So. Great.
  
• American Horror Story. It's...just..so...INCREDIBLY BATSHIT B-A-N-A-N-A-S INDULGENTLY CRAZY. And I love that about it. I know a lot of people were put off by the pilot (and I don't entirely blame them) but I was strangely flattered by how over-the-top it was. "Aw, show! You really want me to like you! It's like a first date and you've brought flowers AND candy AND perfume! Aww. You've thrown dead babies, adultery, bare asses, a guy in a shiny gimp suit, Dead!Fake!Weasley twins, and Jessica Lange acting like she's a lost Tennessee Williams heroine. You get another episode!" I love Lange, Connie Britton, Taissa Farmiga and the kid who plays Tate. It's not...good, but BOY, is it entertaining. Do I think it's going to crash and burn? Probably. But it sure is fun while it lasts.
  
• Revenge. I do really like Revenge but it's up against about a million other things. I usually catch up with it on Hulu. It's everything that Ringer SHOULD be, but isn't: super-fun and soapy and trashy.
  

Shows That I Have Broken Up With

• Glee. I would probably keep watching Glee if they ONLY sang and danced. I realized that I found every character (Except for Kurt and Blaine) hugely annoying anytime they actually spoke.
• Supernatural. This was awhile ago, but ugh. I just got sick of its bullshit.
  
• True Blood. The show that I want it to be is not the show that it is. And the show that it is isn't one I'm really very interested in watching.
• Dexter. I still really like this show, I just got too far behind (I missed all of last season). Maybe I'll catch up on DVD.
  
• Ringer. I only lasted two episodes. Sorry, Sarah Michelle Gellar. I love you, but I kind of hated this show.
  

Shows I Intend To Keep Watching

• The Wire. SOMEDAY, YOU GUYS. I have to get through seasons four and five.
• Fringe. I tried to jump into season four, not having watched season three. And. Um. No. Not possible. I'm DVRing season four to watch after I grab the last season on DVD.
• Sherlock. WHEN WILL I GET MORE? I neeeed it, you guys.
  
• Game of Thrones. Though the second season should be called A Clash of Kings. /pedant
• Breaking Bad. I'm hoping to use the year's hiatus before the final season to catch up on the whole thing.
  
• Mad Men. Whenever it comes back.
  

What are you watching this season? What are you NOT watching?

An Open Letter To Certain Male Geeks

Greetings, geeks! My name is Bea. I'm (as of last week-ish) 32 years old. I'm a college graduate. I work in social services. I bake. I knit. I read (a lot). I vote Democrat. I occasionally sparkle. I enjoy the works of Jane Austen, thunderstorms, the Oxford comma, and the laughter of children.

Oh, I'm also a geek. I've been a geek since I was a tiny little girl and I had a Dune coloring book. This Dune coloring book, actually. I also had a glow-in-the-dark He-Man sword when I was itty-bitty that I had to take in the bathroom to watch glow because I was never awake when it was dark outside. Because I was four. Later, I was a huge She-Ra fan and literally subscribed to her newsletter. I loved Star Wars, Blade Runner, The Terminator, Wonder Woman, The Incredible Hulk, The V miniseries (both of them!), Legend, The Dark Crystal, The NeverEnding Story, Dune (the Lynch version, NEVER the Sci-Fi version, though that was much later), Labyrinth, and Conan the Barbarian. The 80s were fun, weren't they?

I was a gamer girl in the late 80s and early 90s. Look. You think it's tough being a gamer girl now? (It is, I'm sure.) Try it then. I was LITERALLY the only girl I knew who played video games. Ever. I don't play anymore but I can still fuck you up at Super Mario Bros. 1-3. My parents took me and my brother to a Nintendo Convention in Valley Forge, PA as a birthday gift. I'm guessing it was 1990 or 1991. Whatever year Super Mario Bros. 3 came out. I remember because I smoked some dude at a demo of the game. He clearly wasn't expecting that from a little girl. It was AWESOME.

I've watched The X-Files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, Battlestar Galactica, Doctor Who, Space: Above and Beyond, VR-5, Harsh Realm, Dead at 21, Love and Curses, Forever Knight, Beauty and the Beast, Dark Shadows (the old 60s soap AND the early 90s remake), Mystery Science Theater 3000, Twin Peaks, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Farscape, The Twilight Zone, The Outer Limits, Heroes, Roar, Dark Angel, Supernatural, Fringe, Roswell, Alias, Earth 2, Dark Skies, Millennium, Kindred: The Embraced, and SeaQuest DSV.

I've read Heinlein and Herbert. I've read all the Lord of the Rings books. I own the extended editions of all the movies AND the Trivial Pursuit game.

Sorsha and I have a zombie apocalypse plan and seriously. It's awesome. It's getting better by the day.

I read comic books. I go to cons. Got my picture taken with Michael Berryman. I saw The Dark Knight in the theater four times. I have the Iron Man Mr. Potato Head, Tony Starch sitting on top of my television. I have a Matchbox-sized replica of the Metallicar on my desk. My mousepad features a kingly Aragorn. I'm currently knitting a Gryffindor scarf.

As you can see from the above exhaustive list, I will watch/read/consume ANYTHING sci-fi/horror/fantasy-related. Regardless of quality as you can also see from the above list. Heh. I can authoritatively nerd out on a variety of subjects. And I do. Often. And I do all of these things despite the INCREDIBLE HANDICAP OF A PAIR OF BREASTS. SHOCKING, RIGHT?!

But seriously, you guys. (And not ALL geek guys, of course.) Can you please stop acting like you own the field of geekery all on your own? Aren't we past this? Seriously? Are we really still OMG STUNNED when a woman enjoys nerdy pursuits? I don't do these things because my boyfriend reads comics and I want him to like me.

For example, I listen to The Nerdist podcast every week. Twice a week if it's on twice. I love it. It's awesome. It's my favorite podcast. I love Chris Hardwick. He's hilarious. But Chris. Dude. I AM NOT THE ONLY WOMAN WHO LISTENS TO YOUR SHOW. THERE ARE FEMALE GEEKS. IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, YOU'RE DATING ONE. So why do you keep making comments about how no women listen to your show or how your nerdiness is losing you female viewers. Um. We do and it's not. KNOCK IT OFF. My ovaries do not "dry up" when James Gunn and Jonah Ray get into a nerd fight over whether or not 28 Days Later qualifies as a zombie film. That was AWESOME. (My opinion: it does count as a zombie movie.)

I was listening today to a review of the Game of Thrones miniseries. (3 days, you guys!!!!) And the reviewer made a comment about it possibly being a turn-off for women because it's all male-dominated, bloody and full of ultra-violence. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Because Dany and Arya and Catelyn and Sansa are just standing around, looking pretty. (Well, ok, Sansa is.) Because women can't stand watching male characters. (If we felt that way, we wouldn't watch anything, ever.) Because women don't like to watch dudes with swords fuck shit up. Especially because women don't enjoy a complex, well-told story. Mmm-hmmm.

Oh for Christ's sake, Terrance Zdunich: YES. GIRLS DO READ COMIC BOOKS. I even bought your creepy comic book about cockroaches.

I guess I'm mostly just tired of being told I don't exist.

ETA: This. Thanks, Sorsha. WHATEVER.

Thursday Night TV...WOOO!

A brief conversation between my and my brother, BW:

BW: Dude. You aren't watching The Vampire Diaries, are you?
Me: Yes! HAHAHA! I hope it's terrible!
BW: Yeah, I think you'll get your wish...

(So far, it's pretty bad and bearing almost NO resemblance to the books. Bah. Blatant Twilight rip-off, which is just...sad. And I think I despise the girl playing Elena.)

Also, tonight is the season premiere of Supernatural! I stumbled over this Open Letter to Eric Kripke last night and...OH MY GOD, DO I AGREE. Seriously, Supernatural writers, try to be less douchy. I love your show but I'm tired of feeling guilty about it because of the consistent racism and misogyny. Enough already. I know you all aren't stupid and you really can't pretend that you don't KNOW that you're doing it. And even if you weren't aware, more discerning fans have been pointing it out for years. STOP. REALLY. I'd like my eye candy and my horror homages and my dark plot twists to be less RAGE-INDUCING. Thanks!

Also, how much am I going to go see Fame? HA. SO MUCH. I absolutely adore a good peforming arts high school drama! I even rented that one with Hillary Duff...which lasted about 10 minutes because it was TERRIBLE. And Center Stage is one of my favorite movies! HA.

Movie Review: Watchmen

**Mildly spoily. I won't reveal the central mystery or endgame or anything but smaller plot points are fair game**

Months ago, I was at a movie with my brother, BW. I think it might have been The Dark Knight, but I'm not sure. Anyway, they showed the awesome original trailer for Watchmen. I'd seen it online of course, because I'm a geek, but seeing it on the big screen was SO cool. And I'm bouncing in my seat with glee. BW looks over at me and says, "You know, if you got pregnant TOMORROW, you'd have the baby before that movie comes out. I'm just sayin'." I glared at him and told him to shut it. Then we saw the preview for Terminator: Salvation and I bounce with glee some more. (I LOVE the Terminator series) And BW says, "Hey look! Another movie you can bring your newborn to!" I threw popcorn at him. (Also, I think someone really wants to be an uncle. Whatever, you'll have to keep waiting, dude!)

So, fast-forward the average gestational period of a human being, and I'm sitting in a theater with my mom and BW. I've been looking forward to this for MONTHS. EGT can vouch that whenever we've watched tv together over IM and saw a Watchmen preview, I'd scream-type "WATCHMEN!!!111!!!" She's very patient. So, the movie...LOVED IT! I mean really, there wasn't much chance that I wouldn't. But yeah, it pretty much lived up to all my expectations and then some.

Watchmen, as you know unless you've been living in a hole or aren't a geek or loved one of a geek, is the long-awaited film adaptation of a much-beloved graphic novel. The graphic novel is SO awesome. As great as the movie is, it really can't touch the muti-layered brilliance of the novel. Seriously, go read it. The movie opens with the murder of the Comedian/Edward Blake played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan who also was Daddy Winchester on Supernatural. Yeah, he's not as nice here. He gets his ass kicked and then tossed out a window and you can't say he didn't have it coming. Blake used to be part of a few crimefighting teams of masked avengers until they were outlawed some time ago.

The world of Watchmen is an alternate universe in which the U.S. won in Vietnam and is still embroiled in a bitter nuclear arms race with Russia. Richard Nixon is on his 5th term in office and the Doomsday Clock is set at five minutes to midnight...like it is in our current world. (I read a review that talked about how unrealistic and unrelatable Watchmen is because it's nothing like our current world and we don't even fight with Russia anymore and no one worries about nuclear war, anyway! Um. It's nice in that guy's world, isn't it? Why do idiots get to review movies...says the girl writing a movie review. QUIET, YOU.) Former masked heroes Dr. Manhattan/Jon Osterman and Ozymandias/Adrian Veidt are working together to develop an alternate energy source and make everyone with nuclear weapons chill the hell out.

Arriving stealthily under the cover of darkness to investigate the Comedian's death is Rorschach/Walter Kovachs, a former...coworker? I guess? of his. RORSCHACH IS MY VERY FAVORITE. And that was my favorite sequence in the graphic novel. He's one of those fictional characters that I want to follow around, eating popcorn and giggling in horrified delight at all the awful things he says. (Gene Hunt from the U.K. version of Life on Mars is another) Seriously, he's awesome. Uncompromising, right-wing, rigid, equally judgmental of the people who saves and who he saves them from; he really doesn't like anyone. He dislikes slightly less some of his fellow crime fighters, as long as they still fight crime. Rorschach is totally paranoid, possibly a sociopath and wears a creepy black and white mask. He partially narrates the film with raspy entries from his journal. Jackie Earle Haley does a PHENOMENAL job with the role. His is probably my favorite performance in the film.

Rorschach tries to round up all the remaining former heroes, but they aren't having it. He goes to Dr. Manhattan, the giant naked blue guy and his former (very!) jailbait girlfriend Silk Spectre II/Laurie Jupiter. Doc was on the wrong end of a scientific experiment and now he's pretty much omnipotent and can see his past, present and future at once. (Like the Doctor!) Billy Crudup plays him and does a brilliant job. And I hate saying that about him. YOU KNOW WHY, BILLY. In spite of the C.G.I. all over him, Crudup still manages a surprising nuance of expression and a soft, semi-bored voice. Well, who wouldn't find omniscience boring? Rorschach manages to, well, I'd say "piss off" but really "mildly annoys" Dr. Manhattan, who then teleports his pissy little ass on out of his giant government facility lab.

Anyway, plot plot plot, who's killing former masked avengers, who has a secret agenda, who doesn't, why is everyone such an asshole, when will the world end, fight fight fight. It's a very good time. All the actors are really great and I have to mention Patrick Wilson as Nite Owl II/Dan Dreiberg, kind of a dorky but nice guy, sort of still longing for the good old crimefighting days. Wilson gives him an interesting vulnerability. I am SUCH a huge Patrick Wilson fan, loved him in Angels in America, Hard Candy and God help me, Phantom of the Opera. (...Shut up) He's awesome here and you know, naked a lot. Have fun with that, kids!

Speaking of kids, OH MY GOD, WATCHMEN IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE FILM FOR CHILDREN UNDER 5 YEARS OLD. NO. And also, I just want to let anyone who hasn't seen the movie who is still reading this thing (thanks for that!) know, there is a very nasty attempted rape scene in the movie. (It's as well-done as it could be and actually integral to the plot and not really cheap exploitation) If that kind of thing bothers you, take a bathroom break. You'll need it, the movie's a fucking million years long. You'll see it coming, take a powder. Shakesville points out that very few film reviews have mentioned it; most are too busy talking about Dr. Manhattan's blue penis. Hey, a rape scene is nothing, but a dude seeing another dude's dick? NO, THANK YOU. Ugh, whatever.

The music in the film is a bit of a mixed bag. "Hallelujah," though it's one of my favorite songs, made me wince. I just don't think you can use it anymore in films or tv, really. The title sequence set to "The Times, They Are A-Changing" is a thing of BEAUTY. Seriously, it's amazing and does a lovely job of showing you the world that you are about the spend time in. And of course, My Chemical Romance's cover of "Desolation Row" plays over the closing credits and YOU KNOW I was bouncing in my chair. It's pretty great.

Watchmen is visually stunning and features some awesome, gory, bone-crunching fight scenes. Some of the fights are a little over-the-top; these guys, with the exception of Dr. Manhattan, DON'T have superpowers. But I'm totally willing to overlook that because it was so fun to watch. It's full of little details and treats for readers of the graphic novel, but I think it's accessible enough those who didn't read it. But if you saw the movie and enjoyed it? Read the book. Seriously. I'll loan you my copy! (Maybe)

An Excerpt From A Phone Conversation Between Mame and Bea

Mame: What are you watching?

Bea: Supernatural. Hey, this episode is called "Criss Angel Is A Douchebag."

Mame: Hahaha, really? That's funny, actually.

Bea: I didn't know you could say "douchebag" on network television, but apparently, you can. They've said it like, 20 times already.

Mame: Douchebags are hygienic products...

Bea: I take that as a compliment! HAHAHAH, I love you!

Mame: Of course you do.

Movie Review: "Rachel Getting Married"

Ok, you guys. This right here? Best movie of the year. I loved this movie. LOVED. Full disclosure: I really like Anne Hathaway. I think she's adorable. I love The Princess Diaries, the books and the movies. No, I'm not 11. Shut up, they're really cute. And her hair was HILARIOUS in Brokeback Mountain. Anyway, I like her a lot and am generally prepared to enjoy her work.

In Rachel Getting Married, my girl Anne plays Kym, who is just a trainwreck of a human being. She's let out of rehab on a pass to attend her sister Rachel's wedding. And of course, all sorts of confrontations and fights and dramatics occur. But, not in the typical movie way. This movie unfolds more like a documentary. Or like real life.

It's a very interesting wedding, a mishmash of Eastern and Jewish and all kinds of other traditions. It's awesome. Full of music and dancing, it's exactly the kind of wedding I'd like to attend. The movie uses entirely diagetic music, emanating from the various musicians hanging out at the house. (Hey, I'm a nerd. I like to pretend like I know things.)

The acting is uniformly amazing. Hathaway does a beautiful job with Kym, a character who should probably be fairly unsympathetic. She's been an addict for years and put her family through hell. She is wildly self-centered and has absolutely NO filter. You get the idea that she's had way too much therapy and thinks being "honest" and "open" means saying anything that pops into her head. Heh. But Hathaway finds the heart in her and the courage and strength. She really is trying. She really does love her family. The scene where we learn what happened to Kym and Rachel's younger brother is incredibly compelling.

Everyone else in the cast is a knock-out as well. Rosemarie DeWitt plays the grounded Rachel. I was sure I'd seen her in something else and when I looked her up, she played Midge on Mad Men. (A sidenote: what is up with that? It seems like every time I like an actress lately and look her up, she's from Mad Men. The other notable example is Julie McNiven who played Anna, the angel girl on Supernatural. God, Mad Men rules.) Debra Winger pops up, as Kym and Rachel's distant mother, in the first role I'd seen her in in a really long time. She's awesome. Bill Irwin (Mr. Noodle from Sesame St.!) and Anna Deveare Smith (She's been in tons of things, but she will always be Nancy McNally from The West Wing to me. "Someone get me a change of clothes. I look like an idiot.") play the girls' dad and stepmom. It's a lovely performance from Irwin especially, I hope he wins lots of awards.

I cried off and on for the last 40 minutes of the movie. I'm not kidding. It wasn't pretty. Some of them were sad tears, others happy. Families, man. Families just get to me. Even when they're not perfect, even when they suck, even when they have NOTHING in common with you, you still want them with you and on your side. Rachel Getting Married is such a lovely, funny, ultimately uplifting ode to perfectly imperfect families.

Three Television (Sort Of) Reviews -- Two Short, One Long (ish)

**Oh, mild spoilers for True Blood and spoilers for season one of Mad Men. Don't say I never warned you. **

I really love True Blood. Like. It's currently my favorite show. Ok, I don't love it more than Supernatural. It's one of those shows that's awesome but when you try to describe it to people, you sound like a moron. Like Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Battlestar Galactica. Or The West Wing. You know? "So yeah, True Blood is about the Louisiana waitress named Sookie -- yes, that's her name -- who can hear people's thoughts. And vampires are real and live amongst humans. But Sookie, she can't hear VAMPIRES' thoughts so she falls in love with this vampire named Bill. And she's a virgin, but they have sex and he totally bites her too. And also, there's a serial killer and shape shifters and werewolves and the Japanese invented a drink called 'True Blood' so vampires don't have to kill people and -- WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!" But seriously, it's so great. Funny and dramatic and well-acted. All the secondary characters are fascinating. I don't want it to end!

I don't care how many teenage girls it spontaneously knocks up, I love Gossip Girl. I am completely unrepentant about this. I love Chuck Bass. I want him to have his own show. I don't care that it's trashy and shallow and it's probably rotting my brain. IT'S FUN.

Ok, so, Mad Men. The show is so good, so well-made, so attentive to detail, magnificently acted, but it makes me feel so BAD. I'm watching season one from Netflix and there's seriously a two-episode limit before I want to kill myself. I just watched "5G," the episode where Don Draper's long-lost baby brother finds him and the poor kid just wants a connection with him and Don basically tells him to fuck off. I wept, ok? I WEPT.

Everyone on the show is SO miserable and trying to force themselves into roles that they don't fit. Except Joan. Joan is not miserable. She is awesome. I adore her interactions with Peggy, who is perhaps the only truly decent character on the show. It's so difficult to like these characters because every one of them has pretty much all the characteristics that would make someone a giant asshole today -- racist, sexist, classist, hypocritical.

I do giggle every time I see that pregnant character smoking and drinking a martini, which would be every time she's onscreen. And I loved when when Betty Draper was driving around with her two small children rolling around the car and climbing over seats. HA! Also, when she visits her shrink, she actually lies on a couch.

And Don Draper. What is his DEAL? Why is he so...so...LIKE THAT? Jon Hamm is great in the role. And handsome. Also great and handsome? John Slattery as Roger. He's such a smartass. I also have affection for him because I saw him be awesome in the play Rabbit Hole a few years ago and he was brilliant and cute. Even from the back row.

So, I like Mad Men a lot, but it makes me very sad. But when that happens, I can just watch clips from when Jon Hamm BRILLIANTLY and HILARIOUSLY hosted Saturday Night Live:

• Vincent Price's Halloween Special*
• Don Draper's Guide To Picking Up Women**
• Jon Hamm's John Ham***

Any thoughts on my favorite shows? Be warned, if you are going to tell me to elevate my sights and stop watching shows about vampires and werewolves and zombies, oh my! I will ignore you. Fair warning.

*"Where are the whores?"
**"Drink and some constantly."
***"Feel like a dummy yet?"

Never Jump Into a Pile of Leaves With a Lollipop...

I hate summer! I hate being hot and sweaty. I hate no new tv shows. I hate crappy movies being in the theaters. When I worked retail, I really hated it because the stores would be full of annoying, bored kids home from school and entitled vacationers. Summer is my least favorite season.

But fall! Fall is my FAVORITE! I love crunching leaves, crisp weather, new tv shows, the beginning of Oscar season and Halloween. Oh, how I love Halloween. Scary movies, carving pumpkins, haunted hayrides, It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown and apple desserts.

Apple desserts are a must in the fall. In fact, I made an apple pie last weekend. And I'm going to make another one this weekend. Because the previous pie was devoured in less than 24 hours. I got the recipe from the lovely EGT and it was really easy! I cheated a bit and used refrigerated crust. I am, however, unrepentant. I am NOT messing around with pie crust.

Also! I made an "Autumn" playlist for my iPod. Since I am a self-indulgent geek, here it is, with occasional commentary:

1. "Boys of Summer" by Don Henley
2. "Headlights on Dark Roads, " Snow Patrol
3. "Autumn Leaves," Eva Cassidy
4. "California Dreaming," The Mamas and The Papas
5. "The Highwayman," Loreena McKennitt; a song version of one of my favorite poems.
   
6. "Early Sunsets Over Monroeville," My Chemical Romance; it's about zombies! I'm especially fond of it because I used to live in Pittsburgh, the home of the zombie movie, apparently. And I used to shop at that mall! George Romero is SO huge in Pittsburgh, you have no idea.
   
7. "Red Right Hand," Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds; used in the Scream movies. Nick Cave is awesome.
   
8. "Sweet Transvestite" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack
9. "Halloween" from the Rent soundtrack
10. "Put Your Lights On" by Santana with Everlast
11. "Bullet With Butterfly Wings," Smashing Pumpkins; chose exclusively for the opening line.
    
12. "Bad Moon Rising," Creedence Clearwater Revival; used to great, creepy effect in the first season finale of Supernatural. Also in the novel The Shining, which is so much better than either of the movie versions. Ugh, shut UP, Jack Nicholson.
    
13. "Burn," The Cure
14. "What's This" by Fallout Boy from The Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack
15. "Pale September," Fiona Apple
16. "Try To Remember," John Barrowman; alas, I don't have the Jerry Orbach version. That's actually what gave me the idea for the playlist. I was chatting with EGT and she sent me a link to a performance of this song by Orbach. It was AMAZING. Barrowman's version is pretty good too.
    
17. "This Is Halloween" by Panic At The Disco from The Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack
18. "Wine Red," The Hush Sound
19. "Seasons Change" by Expose; probably my favorite 80s song. It has a HARP. How can you go wrong?!
    
20. "Wake Me Up When September Ends," Green Day
    

The 2008 Fall Television Season

Huh, there's really not anything new and exciting on television this year, is there? I know, blah, blah the Writer's Strike. I'm only watching one new show and that's True Blood on HBO. Oh MY GOD, I love this trashy, gothic, weird little vampire romance. It's really got everything I like in a show: DRAMA, a hilarious heroine, a gentlemanly, but possibly EVIL love interest, amusing opening credits and funny dialogue. And there's vampires with really stupid-looking fangs.

Here's what I'm watching or planning to watch:

• Dexter - This is such a great show. I love everyone on it and everything about it.
  
• Gossip Girl and Heroes - this is my Monday night lineup and I usually watch both of these shows over IM with EGT and we mock and squeal about what bitchy thing Blair did this week and how stupid yet hot Mohinder is and how inappropriate the Petrelli brothers are. It's good times.
  
• Pushing Daisies - I like this show a lot. The cast is fun and the narration always makes me giggle. I'm not deeply passionate about it but I enjoyed the first season and will give the second a go. Also, it makes me crave pie.
• Supernatural - This is, sadly, my favorite show right now. The first two episodes of this season have been pretty great. I didn't love last season, it was a bit stilted and disjointed and also, wildly misogynistic. (Stop having Dean call women "sluts" and "bitches"! He never did that before and I don't care if they're demons. Doesn't make it ok.)
  
• The Office and 30 Rock - Mame, I have to DVR them and watch them later. You will just have to deal with that. And I did watch The Office premiere last night! It was great. ("Happy birthday, Stanley!" You were right. I cracked up.)
• Battlestar Galactica - IF IT EVER COMES BACK. I swear, the folks at the Sci Fi channel are SUCH dicks. After BSG and Doctor Who end their runs, I won't be watching anything on that channel again. I'm sure I would like Eureka, but I'm not putting up with this bullshit again. Anyway, BSG is the best show on television right now and I can't wait for it to come back.
  
• Friday Night Lights - Enjoy it while you can, kids. It's probably getting cancelled after this season. That will be sad.

Television shows I'm watching on DVD:

• The Wire - BW and I are a little more than halfway through the third season. It's such an amazing show. The writing, the acting, the plotting, it all knocks me out. It's not exactly Feel Good Television, some episodes make me feel like I've been kicked in the gut. Now I'm making BW watch episodes of The West Wing in exchange. The only Aaron Sorkin show he'd ever seen was Studio 60 or as we used to call it, The Longest Hour on Television. Clearly, I couldn't let that stand.
  
• I have disc one of The Sarah Connor Chronicles home from Netflix right now. I watched part of the pilot when it aired originally but was put off by the portrayal of John Connor. Excuse me, John Connor is the leader of the Robot Resistance. He is NOT a whiny little bitch. But everyone keeps going on about how great it is, so I'll give it a try. Also, I love Summer Glau. So, we'll see. The Terminator is one of my very favorite movies and I'm VERY protective of that fictional universe. I'll be extremely put off if it sucks.
  
• I just put Mad Men on my queue. I should be getting that next. I listened to a really interesting NPR podcast featuring the creator and two of the actors. It was fascinating, so now I'm really curious.
  

Shows I'm giving up:

• Fringe - Ugh. I watched this one because everyone in my office was totally excited about it. I hated it. The second episode actually made me angry. It's totally unoriginal, kind of boring and features the kind of icky violence that makes me want to change the channel. (We've got a woman strapped to a dentist's chair being drugged and tortured by a psychotic scientist? We've got pregnant women screaming and giving birth to mutant babies then dying? Lovely.) So I did. FOREVER.
  
• Numbers - Eh, I'm getting bored with this one. Everyone's still cute and I like the little bits of math and physics they throw at me, but it's so formulaic. I might finish the second season from Netflix, but then I think I'm done.
  

What are you guys watching? Or not watching?

Happy Blogiversary, Part Deux!

And since Mame has been NAGGING ME NON-STOP FOR DAYS:

Best Celebrity/Law Interaction:
O.J. Simpson fighting the Law and OMG! The Law is winning!. Oh, I've been waiting for this since, what? 1995? To paraphrase Patton Oswalt, you could pour my satisfaction/delight over this turn of events over pancakes, so rich and thick is it. Mmmm. Lovely.

Best Trainwreck:
I do have to agree with Mame on Amy Winehouse. But. I speak from the perspective of LOVING HER ABSOLUTELY AND COMPLETELY. Her album Back to Black is the best I've heard in years. She's covered in tattoos! She wears a beehive! She apparently snorts cocaine off of hooker's asses! Or something! She fabulously talented and TOTALLY INSANE!

Best Made-For-TV Movie of 2007:
Battlestar Galactica: Razor. I MISS THIS SHOW. The last new episode of BSG was in MARCH. MARCH, PEOPLE. And season 4 doesn't start until APRIL OF 2008. So, they toss us this movie to tide us over. GOOD. Because, seriously? I have a really short attention span. If you keep me waiting too long, I WON'T CARE ANY MORE. So, this was good. Quite SHOCKING. Very dramatic. And since I watched it on dvd, VERY bloody and since when you can say the word "cocksucker" on basic cable? I'm guessing that wasn't in the broadcast. Heh. I'm not sure if I was supposed to, but I loved Kendra Shaw. She and Admiral Cain represent everything terrible/awesome to me about the military and also human nature. LOVE. Also, I think Admiral Adama is the final Cylon.

Best Happy/Sad Moment From A Television Show:
Best Happy Moment:
I am incapable of picking just one. So, I won't. NEENER.

1. Friday Night Lights: The Panthers win State! The Coach and Mrs. Coach are having a baby! Matt and Julie are adorable!
2. Doctor Who: The Doctor and Rose's reunion in "The Satan Pit." They each thought the other was dead! They weren't dead! "Is there a Rose Tyler on board?" "YES! I'M HERE!" And then there's HUGE smiles, running and jumping and hugging. SO CUTE. (Technically aired in 2006. Don't care!)
   
3. The Office: JIM AND PAM ARE DATING. AND IT'S "GOING REALLY WELL!" And how much did I love Kevin's talking head moment where he's all "Come ON. They're totally together!"
4. Supernatural: Um. There are no happy moments on Supernatural. That's why I like it. Hee.

Best Sad Moment:
Again, I do not have only one. I collect sad moments like some people collect stamps or antique post cards.

1. Supernatural: OH SO MANY. John dying. Dean's grief and guilt over his father's death culminating in him BEATING THE SHIT out of his car. Sam's helplessness in the face of Dean's grief. Sam making Dean promise that he would kill him if he ever turned evil. Sammy shooting his werewolf girlfriend in the head. Dean being sad about it. "What is and What Never Should Be," the whole episode. No, really. Sam dying. Dean's speech over Sammy's giant, dead body. Dean selling his soul to bring back Sam. Bobby yelling at Dean for selling his soul. SIGH. I LOVE THIS SHOW!
2. Doctor Who: OH MY GOD. "Doomsday." The scene on the beach. I'm not going to describe it any further because...because...it's TOO sad, you guys! Shut up. (Also, this technically aired in 2006. Don't care. It always will win "Saddest Thing Ever EVER.)
   
3. Battlestar Galactica: the crushing misery of life on New Caprica under Cylon occupation. Starbuck's "death." Anytime Roslin betrays Adama.
   

Most Cringe-Worthy Moment from The Office:
Michael with the telemarketing job. Ugh, I hate Michael Scott.

Best Celebrity Hair:
Mame stole mine, that whore. So, I'll have to go with Kate Walsh on Grey's Anatomy/Private Practice. I kicked my Grey's habit cold-turkey and I don't watch Private Practice, but damn that girl has some good hair.

Best Pop Song You Secretly Love:
I think we've covered this. I'm still ashamed. AS I SHOULD BE.

TV Show We Hate That People Won't Shut the Fuck UP About:
Mame, I totally hear you on Jericho. I tried to watch that show and couldn't even hang in for two episodes. People! I love post-apocalyptic fiction! If you can't make ME love it, you are doing something very, very wrong. I actually have a conspiracy theory that it was never REALLY cancelled. Like, the entire thing was a ratings stunt. What, like the networks really CARE what the fans think? Whatever. Like they could really get the whole cast back after they were released from their contracts? Like the cast wouldn't be doing other projects? They could all just come RUNNING back? Whatever. Heh, apparently I have strong feelings about this. I also loathe any reality show that isn't on the Food Network or BBC America, if you're going to count Good Eats and Top Gear as reality shows. Ugh.

Celebrity Couple We Could Care Less About:
I also hear you on Zac Efron and Vanessa Whatever-her-name-is. I also don't care about Nicole Richie and whoever that asshole who knocked her up is. Except my horror that she is reproducing.

Best Books We've Read in 2007:
It's a toss-up between Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows and Melusine. I mean, the last Harry Potter books is the end of an era. The end of YEARS of reading and imagining and WAITING. And it was totally great. I loved the book and the whole experience. But, I adored Melusine. I loved it for its odd twist on fantasy, its weird blend of languages and cultures and um, its dirtiness. I was reading it at work on lunch one day, turning BRIGHT RED and hoping no one was looking over my shoulder. And it's a whole series! So, just as I was finished with one long fantasy series, I had a new one to start! So, both are the best!

Worst Book:
Ooh, this is tough, only because if I don't like a book, I don't finish it. I've read books that disappointed me. But none were really BAD. So, skip it. Heh.

Best Website:
Hands down, Wikipedia. I know it's not the most reliable, but I use probably get the most practical use out of it than any other site. And it's hours on entertainment.

Funniest Thing of the Year:
My continued hope that Nicole Kidman will write a tell-all novel. PLEASE.

Best "Shoot-Yourself-In-The-Foot" Award:
Ugh, everything the Republicans do ever. It just makes me tired.

Wow...You Look Great!

Oh my GOD, you guys! So, like, remember when Mame and I had a blog that we used to post to and stuff? We do too! And we miss it! Every time we talk on the phone (which is kind of a lot), we talk about how we have to blog. And then...we don't. But we have Plans. With a capital "P," even. We'll think of something. But for now, some random thoughts/experiences I've had recently. Because why even HAVE a blog if not to foist your useless whatevers upon the world!

• The Transformers movie sucked. I was all psyched to get it from Netflix, and I turned it off halfway through. Bummer. I'm currently watching Live Free or Die Hard and it's much more promising. What can I say? I'm a girl who likes when (fictional) shit blows up!
• I'm currently reading The Golden Compass by Phillip Pullman in preparation for the movie to come out on Friday. I, um, bought the book MONTHS ago and am just NOW forcing myself to read it. YOU GUYS. It's really boring! And the main character is kind of an asshole! Yes, I just called a fictional child an asshole. Live with it. This is a children's book! I can't imagine ACTUAL CHILDREN reading this. It's starting to pick up a little, but ugh. It's no The Lord of the Rings. And until book 2, The Lord of the Rings wasn't The Lord of the Rings for me. So, I'm trying to give it a fair shot, but blech. But I'll finish the damn thing. And then read the second book, The Subtle Knife, because I short-sightedly bought it at a used book store. And I WON'T be dissuaded, EGT, don't even!
• I'm kind of in love with the following tv shows: Gossip Girl, Pushing Daisies and How I Met Your Mother. OH MY GOD. In addition to my usual addictions to Supernatural and The Office. I'm not feeling Friday Night Lights as much this season. And I'm not alone in that. I'm still watching, but I'm not ADORING it, you know?
  
• ALSO. Everyone must start watching Top Gear on BBC America. I know, I know, you're saying to yourself, "But Bea! I don't LIKE cars or car-related shows!" I KNOW! Me either! You don't HAVE to! The promos for the show say it all: "You don't have to love cars to love Top Gear. You just have to love fun!" I nod along sagely every time I see one of those previews. I'm so lame. It also helps if you love bitchy British guys.
• So, remember when I posted about how clumsy I am? Yeah, so about that. The day after Thanksgiving, I fell down the steps at a THEATRE where my mom and I had taken my niece to see Peter Pan. It was really, really embarrassing. Heh. Then the other night? I FELL OUT OF BED. And then the next day? I spilled my ENTIRE CUP OF COFFEE ON THE FLOOR OF MY OFFICE. So not only did I have an unholy mess to deal with, I HAD NO CAFFEINE. WHY. WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN? Ahem. Sorry.
• Also, I hate my cell phone.

Movie Review: "No Country for Old Men"

DUDE. I don't think I blogged about the movie Once. I think I was going to write a review and something sparkly came along and distracted me. You'll have that. But anyway, up until last night, I had considered Once to be the best movie I'd seen all year. Yeah, consider THAT one knocked down to the #2 slot. 'Cause...DAMN. No Country for Old Men kicks ASS.

So, the Coen brothers wrote/directed this one, I can never remember which brother does what and I don't care that much. The Coen brothers rock. It's a brilliant adaptation of a Cormac McCarthy novel. (The same guy who wrote The Road, which was on Oprah's book list but you should read anyway, even if you are a guy. My mom hated it, but I loved it to pieces, though it took me about a month to read it because I was AFRAID to see what would happen next. Yeah, it's like that.) ANYWAY. The film concerns one Llewelyn Moss, played by Josh Brolin, who stumbles onto a bunch of trucks and bullets and dead bodies while out hunting one day. Of course, he finds a suitcase full of money and OF COURSE, he takes it. Dude. When are people going to learn to leave the fucking suitcase full of money where it is? It's never worth the trouble! No, REALLY. So then, our boy Llewelyn has the local sheriff (Tommy Lee Jones) and a bunch of nasty badasses who want their money back, on his tail. The nastiest of these badasses is Anton Chigurh, played by Javier Bardem.

I don't really want to say more about the plot, because I don't want to ruin anything and it. Is. Awesome.

The performances here are PHENOMENAL. I'm sure I've never seen Josh Brolin give a better performance, even in The Goonies. And that man can wear a flannel shirt and cowboy hat, for real. I also think that this is the performance of Tommy Lee Jones' career. I really think he'll get another Academy Award nomination AND win out of this one. And if he doesn't, we'll just have to chalk it up to one more time the Academy was TOTALLY clueless. I always forget what a good, subtle actor Jones is because, let's face it, the man makes some BAD movies. He's BRILLIANT here. Seriously. When you see this movie, just watch his face. It's probably a performance that would be just as moving with the sound turned off. His face tells a thousand stories without him ever opening his mouth. And Javier Bardem? DAMN. I think Anton Chigurh is probably one of the scariest bad guys I've ever seen. Bardem's performance is very physical, very cold, COMPLETELY PSYCHO and yet, Chigurh is not a detached character. My mom and I had a discussion of whether or not he's a sociopath. I still don't know. He seriously doesn't do a single nice thing during the entire movie. He doesn't smile at a baby, pet a kitten or help an old lady cross the street. He just literally, kills anyone who is in his way. He's truly terrifying. And has one of the worst haircuts I've ever seen. No, worse than Flock of Seagulls-worst. I keep trying to tell every that Javier Bardem is really hot, but no one believes me, based on that hair and scariness. But, he looks like a Spanish Jeffrey Dean Morgan! No, really, it's freaky how alike they look: Javier and Jeffrey. See? They could play hot brothers! Someone, write that script! Also, this movie is like, Character Actors R Us. I love that. Woody Harrelson and Kelly MacDonald (from Trainspotting!) pop up in support roles. All are brilliant.

No Country for Old Men is a really gripping, entertaining, almost lyrical film. It reminded me a bit of John Sayles' Lone Star, another GREAT Western/mystery. It has just a touch of the Coen brothers' sort of goofy quirk and trust me. It's welcome, especially after some of the ridiculously suspenseful scenes. At one point, during a tense sequence in a motel room involving a ringing telephone and some footsteps, I was leaning forward, with my hands over my mouth, afraid to blink. Didn't help. I still leapt out of my seat and yelped. This happened several times. Also, it's pretty violent, so if that's not your thing, be prepared. I've seen worse, really and it's not stylized violence, like in a comic adaptation. It's more realistic violence like in a Cronenberg film. You know? Guess what? If someone gets shot with a rifle...it's apparently pretty messy. Go figure. So, keep that in mind. Otherwise, go see it NOW.

I'm so reading this book AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

And now, stolen from my friend EGT, Ten Things That Are Making Me Happy Currently:

1. That I just got back from an awesome visit with Andie, Sid and baby Mothra. Of course, now I miss them even more, but it was worth it. Mothra has surpassed all previously recorded levels of adorableness. It's quite shocking.
2. That during this visit, Sid made me watch Talladega Nights and Galaxy Quest. How we laaaaughed and laughed. And we also watched bits of Legend and laughed even harder. Man, Tom Cruise in that elf outfit NEVER gets old. And Tim Curry with his long, shapely, glow-in-the-dark nails. Heh, Satan totally gets a manicure.
3. ALSO, during my visit, we went to two used books stores and I finished off my Little House collection by purchasing The Long Winter and The First Four Years. I also bought two Dennis Lehanes, two Judy Blumes, a Madeleine L'Engle and The Sweet Hereafter (ACTUAL LITERATURE!!!). (*Mame! There was also an ORIGINAL COVER copy of Heaven! But I didn't have room in my carry-on or life to be buying books I already own. DAMN IT.) Used book stores make me swoon.
   
4. Alec Baldwin on 30 Rock. Especially his hair after Ken's party in the last episode. HA.
5. Sam and Dean from Supernatural in tuxedos in last week's episode. In tuxedos stealing shit and being snarky. Sigh.
6. My new pink grapefruit body butter. I smell like pink grapefruit! I got it from the Body Shop at the airport! I didn't even know that store was still around!
   
7. AUTUMN IS FINALLY HERE. I'VE BEEN WEARING SWEATERS!
   
8. That I plan to see No Country for Old Men very, very shortly. Like, this weekend.
9. Oscar season! Time to drag myself to as many worthy movies as possible!
   
10. This conversation:

Bea: That hat makes Mothra look like Woodstock from "Charlie Brown."
Sid: It does NOT! How can you say that about my child! Your godson! You're an asshole!
Bea: True, but he still looks like Woodstock.
Sid: Andie! How can you let your "friend" talk about our SON that way?
Andie: [not looking up from her copy of "Better Homes and Gardens] Because it's true. He does look like Woodstock in that hat.
Bea: [glee]

*Mame and I have a small hobby in collecting original cover copies of V.C. Andrews novels. You know, the cut-out covers with the creepy pictures behind them? Used book stores ALWAYS have them. Hey, whatever keeps us off the streets, right?

Get Out of My HOUSE...Boogedy boogedy BOO!

Hey, do you guys believe in ghosts? Um. No, me neither...except...I kinda do. My dad, Homer has always maintained that his friend Moe lived in a haunted house. They've been friends since they were kids and it's the house Moe grew up in. Moe inherited the house when his parents retired or whatever. And while Homer was living there, I'd get regular updates on ghostly goings-on. I never really believed it. I mean, I believed that THEY believed it, but remained pretty skeptical. I'm all Scully like that, I guess. Heh.

Anyway. Homer had a bunch of us over for a barbecue one afternoon: his nieces and nephews, me, my mom and BW. We're all hanging out in the yard, watching the kids play in the pool, drinking beer and stuffing our faces. I go into the house to use the bathroom. After I finish up, (YES, I washed my HANDS) I go to the exit the little, first-floor bathroom. I grab the doorknob and start turning it and it STOPS, like someone on the other side of the door is holding it. I try to rattle it; it won't budge. Naturally, I assume it's either BW or one of Homer's nephews, messing with me. I fiddle with the door for a minute or two, but then start to get annoyed. "OK, ASSHOLE. Stop messing around and LET! ME! OUT!" (I'm super-classy, even with with family) Suddenly, the doorknob just turns. Like the person holding it had let go. The door swings open...and there is no one in the house. No brother or cousin teasing me. The house is totally empty. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

I walk outside and must have kind of a funny look on my face. Homer looks up from the grill, "What's wrong, BB?" I tell the assembled party the story, kind of jokingly, waiting for someone to 'fess up and tell me that they had been the one who locked me in the bathroom, knowing that there's really no way that they could have without me seeing them, given the layout of the house. Unless someone in my family is a spy. Or ninja. One of the nephew's girlfriend's suddenly looks at me accusingly.

Girlfriend: Did someone TELL you to say that?! Are you messing with me?! [glares at her boyfriend]
Bea: Um, no.
GF: Because the exact same thing happened to me the other day! I was totally freaked out!

Unconcerned by all the drama, Homer resumes grilling, "Yeah, 'he' does that a lot. Especially to girls." Wow, ok.

Homer has told me tons of stories about that ghost: watching the toilet paper spin off the roll with no one touching it, hearing footsteps when alone in the house, seeing a man with a hat out of the corner of his eye, etc. I didn't witness any of those creepy incidences. But, I totally stand by this one. If someone can give me a rational explanation, I'll hear it. But I don't think there is one! On that note, Happy Halloween!

*Extra points to anyone who gets the reference in the title! No, not you, Mom. I KNOW you'll know that one.

BY LAWS (ROUND ONE)

This is a work in-process; Bea and I will update and change this often, I feel. These, dear readers, our the by-laws of Bea and my friendship:

1. One shall only call the other's cell phone twice if no one answers under cases of emergency.

1A. Or if there is something really important on TV

1B. Or if the voicemail screws up (we own really cheap cell phones)

2. One shall never call the other one bitch like it's a bad thing

2A. It is more than acceptable to call the other 'be-otch'

3. There must always be a whore.

3A. It's usually going to be Mame

3B. Unless it's an election year (HA!)

4. Bea must say at least once per half hour phone conversation, "Ugh, I hate you"

4A. Should the phone conversation last over two hours, Bea is no longer obligated to follow this rule.

5. When Mame tells Bea that she will call her back after her shower, she will not call back.

5A. When Beau is out of town, she might.

6. When visiting Jersey, Mame must bring Glow Worm to visit Bea's mother for no less than two (2) hours.

7. Important gossip or angry annoyances before 8AM must be in writing only.

7A. Replies to said writings must be ignored if before the first cup of coffee or sweet tea, respectively.

8. Bea must always understand when Mame goes on and on about either A) Glow Worm or B) her cats.

8A. No judgements will be made against Mame if she chooses to use voices during said bragging.

9. Mame must always understand that Bea will watch Supernatural over The Office on Thursday nights.

9A. Mame reserves the right to judge Bea about this.

10. Both Mame and Bea will always make fun of each other as "white trash" but will kick someone's ass should they use this title as a bad thing.

Damn You, Styx. DAAAMN YOOOU!

So, I had the following conversation with my dad, or as I like to call him now: Homer, DESTROYER OF HOPES AND DREAMS.

Bea: I was telling Mame the other night that my life's dream is to tour with Styx and sing back-up on "Renegade."
Homer: So, you want to tour a lot of state fairs?
Bea: Heh. As long as I get to sing on "Renegade." I don't care about any other song. Someone else can sing on "Babe" and "Come Sail Away."

Later, while my cd is actually playing "Renegade:"

Bea: See! This part! This could be me!
[what sounds like at least three women singing "Oh mama, I'm in fear for my life from the long arm of the law. Lawman is coming down from the gallows and I don't have very long!"]
Homer: Um, BB*? Those are NOT girls singing back-up. That's Styx.
Bea: No! Those are girls!
Homer: No, hon. It's not.
Bea: Those are girls with teased hair and short, black dresses!
Homer: No, Tommy Shaw just has a REALLY high voice.
Bea: Damn it.

*Homer calls me by a diminutive of my name, as does most of my family. Only Homer does it WHEN HE CALLS ME AT WORK AND ASKS FOR ME, THUS CAUSING MY COWORKERS TO MOCK ME.

**I've made my obsession with this song clear in a previous post. It's really good! And was brilliantly used in episode 2.12 of Supernatural, "Nightshifter." I'm sure that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with my affection for it. Ahem. Shut up.

A Short Play Entitled: That's What Friends Are For, Bitches!

CHARACTERS: Bea, Mame, Jensen Ackles (Ha.)

SCENE: The local Target, the DVD aisle

TIME: Today, around 5:30 pm

Bea: [dials cell phone]

Mame: Hey! What's up?

Bea: I need you to possibly talk me out of something.

Mame: Ok. Go.

Bea: I'm standing here in Target and I have the fourth season of Smallville in my hand and I need you to tell me whether or not to buy it.

Mame. No.

Bea: But...

Mame: No.

Bea: But Jensen Ackles is in it and --

Mame: NO.

Bea: But he's really cute and he's goes evil and --

Mame: NO.

Bea: But it's only $19.99!

Mame: Save your money for the third season of The Office. At least you LIKE that show.

Bea: [pause.] This is a bad purchase, isn't it?

Mame: Yes.

Bea: I won't be able to live with myself if I buy this DVD set, will I?

Mame: No.

Bea: And you won't be able to live with me either.

Mame: No. No, I won't.

Bea: And I can get it from Netflix, can't I?

Mame: Well, I'm not going to tell you to, but you can. But I don't recommend it. You hate Smallville.

Bea: [places DVD set gingerly back on shelf. looks around to see if anyone is watching. a TARGET TEAM MEMBER is looking at her with amusement and a flicker of understanding. and possibly pity.] Whew! The insanity has passed! That was close. You're a good friend.

Mame: That I am, friend. That I am.

Bea: Thank you! [closes cell phone.]

Mame: [closes cell phone. stares at closed phone and shakes her head.]

[exeunt.]

Actually, Mr. Loaf, two out of three IS pretty bad. But thanks for playing.

So, remember this post? Yeah. That one. About my shows. So, YAY! Friday Night Lights and Supernatural got renewed! And FNL will be moved to Friday nights as God and the title intended. Supernatural is still up against Grey's Anatomy, but Grey's and I might be breaking up, so I don't care that much. Yay, my love affair with the Panther's football team and the hotness of the Winchester men can continue!!

But.

You know what isn't going to continue? Veronica Mars. Yes. They cancelled it. Fuckers. I'm so gonna miss this show. Sure, I'll have my dvds and maybe there'll be like, crappy tie-in novels or something, but it's not the saaaaaaaaaaame. Yes, there will be whining. Deal with it. It was one of the best shows on television, you guys! YOU GUYS! It was witty! It was dark! It was well-plotted! So, naturally, it got cancelled! Grrrr. Man, the pilot of that show was one of the best I'd ever seen. And most pilots suck. (I'm kind of looking at you, Supernatural. I may have turned it off 10 minutes in when it premiered. Heh.) Most shows take a few episodes to find their feet, but as long as you ignore the whole-Paris-Hilton-guest-starring-in-episode-two, Veronica Mars kicked ass right out of the gate. Damn. Now I have to dig out my dvds and rewatch the pilot. Ah, here comes one of my favorite lines from Veronica's best friend/partner-in-(Really. NO, really!) crime, Wallace: You really think I’m gonna let you get away with that? That might play with the masses. But underneath that angry-young-women-shell, there’s a slightly less angry young woman who’s just dying to bake me something. You’re a marshmallow, Veronica Mars... Aaaand now I'm really pissed. Stupid television networks with their stupid selves.

But.

While I'm writing this bitter, bitter post, I'm currently watching Dog the Bounty Hunter on the phone with Mame while snacking on pretzels. What more could I want? (Don't answer that.) Heh.

P.S. Mame and I decided that there hasn't been enough Meat Loaf on our blog. We are going to remedy that. Oh yes, WE WILL. *cackles*

Celebrity Boyfriends II: The Dorkening

So, after reading Mame's awesome post on celebrity boyfriends, (of which I have many!) I just had to share some of our recent adventures on the Internets. Way back over the summer, Mame introduced me to an exciting show called Dog the Bounty Hunter. Dog is, clearly, a bounty hunter and he and his excessively-mammaried, but sassy wife Beth, best friend Tim, (I refuse to acknowledge his gross nickname) and two hot sons Leland and Duane Lee, catch bad guys and are fabulous in a totally trashy way that Mame and I very much appreciate. Mame is totally in love with Leland. And there is a sad paucity of good pictures of this very attractive young man online (Someone get on that, would you? Mame could probably use a new screensaver!) and I thought to try and find some for her. Being such an awesome friend and TOTAL enabler and all. So, I scamper over to our favorite website featuring silly videos, sure that there's a beefcakey photo shoot to be had or something. And...JACKPOT! I find a slideshow of pictures of Leland and IM it to her. Then, over the phone the next day, we have the following conversation:

Bea: So, did you get the IM I sent you last night? Of those pictures of Leland? [giggling.] I'M AWESOME!
Mame: [somewhat uncomfortable pause.] Yyyyyyeah. I...did. Did you happen to notice the music that was playing during that slide show?
Bea: No, I didn't. There was music? You know I always have my computer on mute. I hate all those little clicks and whirs and crap.
Mame: Yeah, that's what I thought. You...need to go watch it with the sound turned on.
Bea: ...
Mame: Call me after you do. [hangs up.]

So I do. And the song? Monica's "Angel of Mine." Yeah. Not a bad song or anything. Just kind of...creepy in this particular context. Especially after I looked up the lyrics and get to the part about "the love we make." EW! EWWWWW!!!!!! I call Mame straight away.

Bea: EW! EWWWWW!
Mame: I know, sugar. I know.
Bea: I am SO sorry! I...I...
Mame: It's fine. Pixie dust, pixie dust...

So, I'm tooling around the Internets other night, possibly looking for stuff about Jensen Ackles.* POSSIBLY. But maybe I was looking for something SMART. Something with INTELLIGENCE. Like...like...oh, shut up. And what to my wondering eyes should appear? A slideshow of pictures of the ridiculously beautiful Mr. Ackles set to..."Angel of Mine." AWESOME! I IM it to Mame and go on with my evening. The next day...

Mame: Dude.
Bea: I know. I KNOW.
Mame: What is WITH this song? Why?
Bea: No idea. But I'm betting that there's one of these for every heartthrob out there. We must find them all.
Mame: YES! We must collect the entire set!
Bea: I'm so finding the one with Chad Michael Murray...
Mame: Ew, you do that. I wonder how many there are of Jonathan Brandis...
Bea: Oh, MAN. Talk about a can of worms right THERE.

The nextest day...Mame sends me one of our dearly departed, much-lamented Jonathan Brandis set to...a Selena song. I don't know which one. The one that got radio play, I guess. Because I recognized it. The one with the endearments in Spanish in the middle. Something about mi corazon. Hee. OH, IT'S ON. IT IS SO ON.

*Just to clarify...we aren't looking for dirty pictures or videos. Fine if that's what you're into, just not our thing. Not after the "Leonardo DiCaprio Debacle" so many years ago. [SHUDDER.] I can NEVER be sorry enough about that. NEVER.

Movie Review: "House of Wax"

I know, I know. Surely you're asking yourself, "Self! How could Bea, a woman of such taste and class watch, much less post a review of, a piece of trash like House of Wax? With that disreputable Paris Hilton?" Are you all clutching your pearls now? Heee. Ok, that's not true. I'm trashy and enjoy trashy movies and everyone knows it. And House of Wax is indeed, terrible. But it's not as terrible as you might think. Oh, it's bad. It's just not unwatchably bad.

Allow me to set the scene...I'm at Sid and Andie's house (Remember them? The fools who asked me to be their baby's godmother?), chilling for the weekend. Sid and Andie are lovely people, wonderful friends and have awesome cable. I like to blatantly use their On Demand! to watch movies that I don't want to pay for. They generally indulge these whims, but mock me. As they should. But they both drew the line at House of Wax. Andie doesn't like scary movies and no one likes Paris Hilton. So, I bided my time. And waited until I was watching baby Mothra while his daddy worked and his mommy took a nap. I watch a great deal of questionable television with Mothra. He is an excellent companion for such things. I like to watch crappy movies and shows and run constant, snarky commentary at the television. (No, it doesn't answer me back. Yet.) But Mothra is a perfect viewing companion. He never tells me to shut it because he can't hear the dialogue. He always thinks I'm funny, especially if I make sound effects. Or stick my tongue out. Or wave a burpey cloth in his face. He's a easy audience. He's also four months old. Heh.

Back to the movie review. Ok, so, House of Wax. Something about a bunch of college kids on a road trip to a football game? Or something. Whatever. Doesn't really matter. They take a "short cut" and get hopelessly lost in some backwater that smells terrible, like something rotting. They decide to camp out and leave for their undetermined sporting event in the morning. Problem the first: WHY WOULD YOU STAY THERE?!?! IT SMELLS LIKE ROTTING FLESH! IT PROBABLY IS ROTTING FLESH!! (And by the way? It totally is.) Problem the second: WHY do these people keep taking short cuts? It never ends well! Some of the actors are pretty good. Elisha Cuthbert, formerly of 24 plays our good girl heroine, Carly. I was surprised, she's MUCH less annoying here than as Kim Bauer. I loathe Kim Bauer. Single-celled life forms loathe Kim Bauer. She's cute here. Her boyfriend Wade (Yeah, right. What the hell kind of name is that for anyone NOT playing a Lifetime tv movie rapist?), is played by Jared Padalecki. (Yes, from Supernatural and pretty much my whole reason for watching the movie. I'm lame like that. I watched an even worse horror movie called Devour just because Jensen Ackles was in it. I have no shame.) Padalecki is, of course, adorable and way too good for this crap. The movie also stars the detestable Chad Michael Murray. HAAAAATE. Oh, and you may have heard that Paris Hilton is in it too? Yeah, she dies horribly. It's very satisfying. The movie as a whole is pretty bad; poorly plotted, cardboard characters, mostly crappy dialogue and some ATROCIOUS acting. But it's fun because it's completely mockable. Paris Hilton's performance makes most porn stars look like Oscar winners. I'm not going to bother detailing the plot much. The car breaks down, blah blah, creepy abandoned town, wax museum, creepy wax people, almost everyone dies in bloody, digusting ways. Yeah, it was so gross, that I had to fast-forward through some of it. And NO, I am NOT watching Sam Winchester die in a gruesome fashion. So, I skipped it.

But anyway, Mothra and I had a blast. I'd bounce him on my knee or distract him with a shiny toy or the remote control if there was something on the screen he shouldn't be looking at, you know, like ultraviolence or Paris Hilton (No, he wasn't really WATCHING, he's four months old, for crying out loud!) and he'd offer a well-timed gurgle or coo at the stupidity of the characters or dialogue. He's a very discerning viewer. (Much like his taste in music...Mothra likes Snow Patrol and Leonard Cohen, but will SHRIEK if confronted with power ballads. I so love this kid.) He can't even sit up yet, but he's already got his "Are you fucking kidding me with this nonsense?" look down. He gets that from his mom. I recognized it immediately, because it's a look I've seen many, many times. Heh. I'll be very sad when the day comes that Mothra actually comprehends his surroundings and I have to censor our movies. Wait. Scratch that. No, I won't. Because that means I'll have a buddy to watch children's movies with! We'll be watching Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Finding Nemo, Mary Poppins, The Incredibles and Spirited Away! It'll be great! Now, he just has to grow up! But, really, we're in no hurry for that.