So...I Thought The Internet Was For Porn?

I'm...watching knitting videos on Youtube. This one, to be exact. Can anyone tell me why as soon as I actually start knitting that my stitches get too tight for me to do more than like, three? WHY? And then I start shrieking. Clearly, I'm doing something wrong.

E.T.A.: AHA! Ok, like, 25 minutes later, I think I've figured it out! Mostly by doing what I was pretty sure was the WRONG way to do it. I was bringing the right-hand needle through the wrong way. Knitting the George Costanza way! If it feels wrong, it's right!

Three Television (Sort Of) Reviews -- Two Short, One Long (ish)

**Oh, mild spoilers for True Blood and spoilers for season one of Mad Men. Don't say I never warned you. **

I really love True Blood. Like. It's currently my favorite show. Ok, I don't love it more than Supernatural. It's one of those shows that's awesome but when you try to describe it to people, you sound like a moron. Like Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Battlestar Galactica. Or The West Wing. You know? "So yeah, True Blood is about the Louisiana waitress named Sookie -- yes, that's her name -- who can hear people's thoughts. And vampires are real and live amongst humans. But Sookie, she can't hear VAMPIRES' thoughts so she falls in love with this vampire named Bill. And she's a virgin, but they have sex and he totally bites her too. And also, there's a serial killer and shape shifters and werewolves and the Japanese invented a drink called 'True Blood' so vampires don't have to kill people and -- WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!" But seriously, it's so great. Funny and dramatic and well-acted. All the secondary characters are fascinating. I don't want it to end!

I don't care how many teenage girls it spontaneously knocks up, I love Gossip Girl. I am completely unrepentant about this. I love Chuck Bass. I want him to have his own show. I don't care that it's trashy and shallow and it's probably rotting my brain. IT'S FUN.

Ok, so, Mad Men. The show is so good, so well-made, so attentive to detail, magnificently acted, but it makes me feel so BAD. I'm watching season one from Netflix and there's seriously a two-episode limit before I want to kill myself. I just watched "5G," the episode where Don Draper's long-lost baby brother finds him and the poor kid just wants a connection with him and Don basically tells him to fuck off. I wept, ok? I WEPT.

Everyone on the show is SO miserable and trying to force themselves into roles that they don't fit. Except Joan. Joan is not miserable. She is awesome. I adore her interactions with Peggy, who is perhaps the only truly decent character on the show. It's so difficult to like these characters because every one of them has pretty much all the characteristics that would make someone a giant asshole today -- racist, sexist, classist, hypocritical.

I do giggle every time I see that pregnant character smoking and drinking a martini, which would be every time she's onscreen. And I loved when when Betty Draper was driving around with her two small children rolling around the car and climbing over seats. HA! Also, when she visits her shrink, she actually lies on a couch.

And Don Draper. What is his DEAL? Why is he so...so...LIKE THAT? Jon Hamm is great in the role. And handsome. Also great and handsome? John Slattery as Roger. He's such a smartass. I also have affection for him because I saw him be awesome in the play Rabbit Hole a few years ago and he was brilliant and cute. Even from the back row.

So, I like Mad Men a lot, but it makes me very sad. But when that happens, I can just watch clips from when Jon Hamm BRILLIANTLY and HILARIOUSLY hosted Saturday Night Live:

• Vincent Price's Halloween Special*
• Don Draper's Guide To Picking Up Women**
• Jon Hamm's John Ham***

Any thoughts on my favorite shows? Be warned, if you are going to tell me to elevate my sights and stop watching shows about vampires and werewolves and zombies, oh my! I will ignore you. Fair warning.

*"Where are the whores?"
**"Drink and some constantly."
***"Feel like a dummy yet?"

Silly Activity Stolen from EGT

1. Leave me a comment saying anything random, like your favorite lyric to your current favorite song. Or your favorite kind of sandwich. Something random. Whatever you like.
2. I respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
3. You WILL update your blog* with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be asked, you will ask them five questions.

*If you don't have a blog, answer in the comments.
**My, this is BOSSY, isn't it?

Anyway, here are my questions from EGT:

(1) What is the song "Nine in the Afternoon" about? The song "Nine in the Afternoon" is about...um...well, it's... Ok, look. Panic At The Disco is a ridiculous band. They wear ridiculous clothes, have ridiculous hair and sing ridiculous songs. I really believe they wake up EVERY MORNING and try to out-ridiculous the previous day's ridiculousness. The song makes no sense, but it's CATCHY.

(2) What is your favorite music video of the moment? My Chemical Romance's "Famous Last Words." Come on, at least that was completely predictable, right?

(3) What movie are you anxiously anticipating seeing? The Strangers. I know, I'm a masochist. I'll see it and then I won't sleep for a week! Here, go check out the official site and make yourself cry.

(4) Do you think "Gossip Girl" will end with everyone living in a commune where Chuck Bass is the cult leader? If there is any justice in the world, YES. And every "prayer" session will end with him saying, "I'm Chuck Bass." and then there's sex. Blair would also make an excellent cult leader; she would be very organized and vicious.

(5) Is Jon Stewart the world's awesomest newscaster? Yes, yes he is. And it makes me SO angry that in between the dick jokes and bad W imitations, he's the only one asking the tough questions. Sometimes, it seems like he's the ONLY media person paying attention. Also? He's hot. Mame and I will never get over how awesome he was in that MTV special with Janeane Garafolo, Denis Leary and Chris Kattan where they watched all the bad music videos. HILARIOUS. Can we get that on dvd, please?

Here, Have A Look Inside My Brain...

Ok, in case you were all wondering, I procured my copy of Danielle Steel's The Ring from my local library. (I always feel like when talking about a Danielle Steel book, I MUST call it "Danielle Steel's [Whatever]." Like they do for her stupid tv movies on Lifetime. Heh.) You guys? It really sucks. I haven't even GOTTEN to the Nazi parts yet. Ugh. SHE IS THE WORST WRITER.

Also, some things that are (mostly) unrelated that have been going on around here:

• I have been reading this blog. It's really good. Sure, I wish the writers could find the shift key, but that's just me being a bitch. They work as counselors at an abortion clinic and tell very matter-of-fact stories about the various women they meet. Why they are considering an abortion, how they feel about their choice. It's fascinating and very moving. Several of the entries had me in tears, especially this one. Also, this one. But do yourself a favor and skip reading the comments. They're full of anti-choice dickwads and really, who needs that?
  
• You all need to go ahead and watch the video for Fall Out Boy's cover of "Beat It." I know, I know. But, seriously. It's RIDICULOUS and you will laugh for hours. It's a good cover and the video features cameos by Buster Bluth from Arrested Development, Turk from Scrubs and Hal Sparks. Also, there are ninjas and sumo wrestler and Pete Wentz gets smacked around. Can you beat that? Heh. No, no you can't. (Sadly, I tried to get the video for my iPod and it was not yet available. Damn you, iTunes!)
• AND. Speaking of embarrassing bands, I'm going to see My Chemical Romance! In concert! I am SO excited! Stay tuned for a full report!
  
• Mame and I have our summer reading schedule planned! I am going to read the Avonlea series and she is going to read the Little House books.

OMG

Now, this is normally not our 'thing': to hyperlink our readers movie clips, etc; however, this is 100% what I feel like. The people in charge need to have this dialogue or at least listen to it.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/83c89d331a