What Is Bea Watching This Television Season?

...Because I know you were all wondering. It's the question on everyone's (no one's) minds! Believe it or not, I don't feel like I watch a lot of television. I despise having shows meted out to me on a weekly basis and then pulled for months at a time. IT ANNOYS ME A LOT. I really prefer to mainline a show on DVD, but then I miss out on discussing it with with everyone else and reading reviews and articles, etc.

Returning Shows

• The Walking Dead. Dude. Zombies. Come on. I agree with everyone else who says that season one had an pretty awesome pilot and then the rest...kinda...sucked? It was very uneven. There were parts that were cool (the zombie attack on the camp, the showdown at the CDC) and parts that sucked (Um. The rest), but I was still curious enough to pop in for season two. It's better that the first season. I know that seems like faint praise, but it really is better. Some of the existing problems from season one are still around, like the pacing issues (Either kill Sophia off or fucking find her. LIKE, YESTERDAY), they still don't really know how to handle the Lori/Shane/Rick triangle (Lori and Shane need to come clean - they aren't really at fault, they truly thought Rick was dead and who could blame them - and then they have a threeway relationship. Shit. It's the zombie apocalypse. Have a threeway. Who cares?), and I still don't feel like they've really found their own internal logic and rules for their particular zombie apocalypse. They sure don't treat it like a biological contagion, what with everyone unconcernedly getting zombie goo on them all the time, but it's clearly communicable through bites, so what the fuck? SO. ANYWAY. The Walking Dead: better than last season, for real. The Shane twist was pretty great and I'm hoping it gets that character (who has potential and I like the actor) out of that rut (PUN SO INTENDED) that he's been in. The show needs to figure out some cool shit to do with Glenn, and either do something with Andrea or kill her off. While she's got a point re: Dale's paternalism, her incessant whinging about it drives me crazy. (The show, in general, kind of doesn't know what do with women. Are there any women on that writing staff? If not, fucking hire some.) Of course, I also watch The Talking Dead, because I love Chris Hardwick.
  
• Criminal Minds. I slacked off last season because the firing of 66.6666667% of the female cast members REALLY pissed me off. And apparently it pissed everyone else off because, OH LOOK! They brought Emily and JJ back because the most important thing about this show is the chemistry of the cast! Imagine that! So, I'm back. Spencer Reid is still pretty.
• Sons of Anarchy. Oh God, I hated the Ireland story last season SO MUCH. I, um, didn't watch the last three or so episodes because it was so painfully annoying. It's better this season. (Sensing a theme? Heh.)
• Community. I'm not a regular watcher. I pop in from time to time, mostly to see if Joel McHale will take his shirt off or if a piano will fall on Chevy Chase. ...What?

New (To Me) Shows

• Parks & Recreation. Oh, this is such a gem of a show, you guys. I love it! It's so...good-natured. Every time I wait for it to get awkward and cringe-inducing (like The Office), it almost never does! I love all the characters SO much. Leslie Knope! Is there another character like her on television? AND I LOVE RON SWANSON. RON. I AM DARK-HAIRED AND NOT-ENTIRELY-UNATTRACTIVE AND CAN PREPARE YOU BREAKFAST FOODS!!! MARRY ME.

New Shows

• Homeland. This is a really, really great show. Damian Lewis and Claire Danes are AMAZING in their roles and the supporting cast is awesome too. I like how unflinching and harsh it is. I love that I'm never entirely sure what's going on, who I can believe, if I can ever accept what I see in flashbacks. So. Great.
  
• American Horror Story. It's...just..so...INCREDIBLY BATSHIT B-A-N-A-N-A-S INDULGENTLY CRAZY. And I love that about it. I know a lot of people were put off by the pilot (and I don't entirely blame them) but I was strangely flattered by how over-the-top it was. "Aw, show! You really want me to like you! It's like a first date and you've brought flowers AND candy AND perfume! Aww. You've thrown dead babies, adultery, bare asses, a guy in a shiny gimp suit, Dead!Fake!Weasley twins, and Jessica Lange acting like she's a lost Tennessee Williams heroine. You get another episode!" I love Lange, Connie Britton, Taissa Farmiga and the kid who plays Tate. It's not...good, but BOY, is it entertaining. Do I think it's going to crash and burn? Probably. But it sure is fun while it lasts.
  
• Revenge. I do really like Revenge but it's up against about a million other things. I usually catch up with it on Hulu. It's everything that Ringer SHOULD be, but isn't: super-fun and soapy and trashy.
  

Shows That I Have Broken Up With

• Glee. I would probably keep watching Glee if they ONLY sang and danced. I realized that I found every character (Except for Kurt and Blaine) hugely annoying anytime they actually spoke.
• Supernatural. This was awhile ago, but ugh. I just got sick of its bullshit.
  
• True Blood. The show that I want it to be is not the show that it is. And the show that it is isn't one I'm really very interested in watching.
• Dexter. I still really like this show, I just got too far behind (I missed all of last season). Maybe I'll catch up on DVD.
  
• Ringer. I only lasted two episodes. Sorry, Sarah Michelle Gellar. I love you, but I kind of hated this show.
  

Shows I Intend To Keep Watching

• The Wire. SOMEDAY, YOU GUYS. I have to get through seasons four and five.
• Fringe. I tried to jump into season four, not having watched season three. And. Um. No. Not possible. I'm DVRing season four to watch after I grab the last season on DVD.
• Sherlock. WHEN WILL I GET MORE? I neeeed it, you guys.
  
• Game of Thrones. Though the second season should be called A Clash of Kings. /pedant
• Breaking Bad. I'm hoping to use the year's hiatus before the final season to catch up on the whole thing.
  
• Mad Men. Whenever it comes back.
  

What are you watching this season? What are you NOT watching?

Like Somefin' Is Brewin'...About to Begiiiin: Hurricane Irene Preparation

Sooooo...I live in NJ. RIGHT IN THE PATH OF THE DEADLY HURRICANE IRENE.

I kid because I can, but I'm kind of scared. I will be more than happy to feel silly on Monday morning. Look. I'm a Nervous Nellie, you guys. Though, I am sick of being told my weather-type folks to "hunker down." Yeah. We get it. I will not be floating through the streets on a surf board. I will not be standing in my front yard, trying to fly a kite. I won't be going door-to-door, ringing doorbells and yelling, "LAND SHARK!!!"* I will be sitting in my living room, enjoying the electricity, air conditioning, running water, cable, and internet for as long as I have it. I've got packing to do, since I'm moving in a week. I've got knitting to work on. I've got books to read (Room by Emma Donoghue and The Magicians by Lev Grossman). Board games. Weather Channel personalities to mock.

I'm a busy lady, ok?

We've got a radio, flashlights, non-perishable foods, bottled water, a full tank of gas, and a bag packed in case we need to FLEE. I had to battle a Lord of the Flies-esque situation at the gas station last night in order to get that tank of gas. I fought the Beast, I blew on the conch shell (NOT a euphemism. Well. Not the one YOU'RE thinking of, dirty bird), and drove away victorious.

Aaaand now the cable is flickering. Stay safe, everyone. Not today, you guys. NOT TODAY. /drama

*Though this sounds HILARIOUS.

An Open Letter To Certain Male Geeks

Greetings, geeks! My name is Bea. I'm (as of last week-ish) 32 years old. I'm a college graduate. I work in social services. I bake. I knit. I read (a lot). I vote Democrat. I occasionally sparkle. I enjoy the works of Jane Austen, thunderstorms, the Oxford comma, and the laughter of children.

Oh, I'm also a geek. I've been a geek since I was a tiny little girl and I had a Dune coloring book. This Dune coloring book, actually. I also had a glow-in-the-dark He-Man sword when I was itty-bitty that I had to take in the bathroom to watch glow because I was never awake when it was dark outside. Because I was four. Later, I was a huge She-Ra fan and literally subscribed to her newsletter. I loved Star Wars, Blade Runner, The Terminator, Wonder Woman, The Incredible Hulk, The V miniseries (both of them!), Legend, The Dark Crystal, The NeverEnding Story, Dune (the Lynch version, NEVER the Sci-Fi version, though that was much later), Labyrinth, and Conan the Barbarian. The 80s were fun, weren't they?

I was a gamer girl in the late 80s and early 90s. Look. You think it's tough being a gamer girl now? (It is, I'm sure.) Try it then. I was LITERALLY the only girl I knew who played video games. Ever. I don't play anymore but I can still fuck you up at Super Mario Bros. 1-3. My parents took me and my brother to a Nintendo Convention in Valley Forge, PA as a birthday gift. I'm guessing it was 1990 or 1991. Whatever year Super Mario Bros. 3 came out. I remember because I smoked some dude at a demo of the game. He clearly wasn't expecting that from a little girl. It was AWESOME.

I've watched The X-Files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, Battlestar Galactica, Doctor Who, Space: Above and Beyond, VR-5, Harsh Realm, Dead at 21, Love and Curses, Forever Knight, Beauty and the Beast, Dark Shadows (the old 60s soap AND the early 90s remake), Mystery Science Theater 3000, Twin Peaks, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Farscape, The Twilight Zone, The Outer Limits, Heroes, Roar, Dark Angel, Supernatural, Fringe, Roswell, Alias, Earth 2, Dark Skies, Millennium, Kindred: The Embraced, and SeaQuest DSV.

I've read Heinlein and Herbert. I've read all the Lord of the Rings books. I own the extended editions of all the movies AND the Trivial Pursuit game.

Sorsha and I have a zombie apocalypse plan and seriously. It's awesome. It's getting better by the day.

I read comic books. I go to cons. Got my picture taken with Michael Berryman. I saw The Dark Knight in the theater four times. I have the Iron Man Mr. Potato Head, Tony Starch sitting on top of my television. I have a Matchbox-sized replica of the Metallicar on my desk. My mousepad features a kingly Aragorn. I'm currently knitting a Gryffindor scarf.

As you can see from the above exhaustive list, I will watch/read/consume ANYTHING sci-fi/horror/fantasy-related. Regardless of quality as you can also see from the above list. Heh. I can authoritatively nerd out on a variety of subjects. And I do. Often. And I do all of these things despite the INCREDIBLE HANDICAP OF A PAIR OF BREASTS. SHOCKING, RIGHT?!

But seriously, you guys. (And not ALL geek guys, of course.) Can you please stop acting like you own the field of geekery all on your own? Aren't we past this? Seriously? Are we really still OMG STUNNED when a woman enjoys nerdy pursuits? I don't do these things because my boyfriend reads comics and I want him to like me.

For example, I listen to The Nerdist podcast every week. Twice a week if it's on twice. I love it. It's awesome. It's my favorite podcast. I love Chris Hardwick. He's hilarious. But Chris. Dude. I AM NOT THE ONLY WOMAN WHO LISTENS TO YOUR SHOW. THERE ARE FEMALE GEEKS. IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, YOU'RE DATING ONE. So why do you keep making comments about how no women listen to your show or how your nerdiness is losing you female viewers. Um. We do and it's not. KNOCK IT OFF. My ovaries do not "dry up" when James Gunn and Jonah Ray get into a nerd fight over whether or not 28 Days Later qualifies as a zombie film. That was AWESOME. (My opinion: it does count as a zombie movie.)

I was listening today to a review of the Game of Thrones miniseries. (3 days, you guys!!!!) And the reviewer made a comment about it possibly being a turn-off for women because it's all male-dominated, bloody and full of ultra-violence. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Because Dany and Arya and Catelyn and Sansa are just standing around, looking pretty. (Well, ok, Sansa is.) Because women can't stand watching male characters. (If we felt that way, we wouldn't watch anything, ever.) Because women don't like to watch dudes with swords fuck shit up. Especially because women don't enjoy a complex, well-told story. Mmm-hmmm.

Oh for Christ's sake, Terrance Zdunich: YES. GIRLS DO READ COMIC BOOKS. I even bought your creepy comic book about cockroaches.

I guess I'm mostly just tired of being told I don't exist.

ETA: This. Thanks, Sorsha. WHATEVER.

YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

So, I'm sitting at my desk this morning, sipping my coffee, listening to NPR, and organizing the day's events and I get a text from my most amiable geeky companion Sorsha: "JULY 12TH RELEASE FOR A DANCE WITH DRAGONS!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And then there were more texts and later, when I got home, tweets from Dan Mac and others and the entire internet was like, wall-to-wall GEORGE R. R. MARTIN. It was AWESOME.

I'm so excited! I did this and then this and then this is what my office looked like all day today. (Instead of Doctor Who geeks, picture me doing a happy dance and a lot of confused social service workers. Good times.) And I know, I don't deserve to be excited. I only just read A Game of Thrones and am only halfway through A Clash of Kings. I haven't SUFFERED like the rest of you. I am aware of my privilege, ok? But my wait for the last two books will be just as long as yours now. WE WILL PINE TOGETHER.

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. I just went looking for the new trailer for the miniseries that went live during the Academy Awards and found a NEW NEW TRAILER! Holy shit, you guys! It's like today is GEEK CHRISTMAS. The Wall! A glimpse of the Others! MORE JAIME. Um. Soooo...Robb? Kind of hot, yeah?

I can't waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait!!!

A PSA From Me To You...

So, I got yet another text from Mame demanding that I back her up on the two things that Jersey kids were warned against in a most dire and repetitive fashion. I immediately texted back "Escalators. Railroad tracks." Because it is true.

When I saw Mallrats for the first time, I laughed until I cried at Brodie's rant about fearing and respecting the escalator. When I was little, my father had me convinced that if I didn't hold onto my parent with one hand and have the other on the railing, my shoes tightly tied and my Cabbage Patch kid held high above the platform, the escalator would eat me. And then spit out one pigtail and a Punky Brewster hightop sneaker. And then belch and laugh like Pennywise the Clown. (By the way, googling "escalator accidents" brings up some really awesome stuff. If I ever do a sequel to this post, which is sadly likely, I'll be sure to mention escalator accidents. I'm so sorry.) I still check to make sure my shoes are tied before I step on an escalator. YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL, OK?

Mame and I (and probably Sorsha, a fellow Jersey girl) sat through SO MANY assemblies about the dangers of playing on railroad tracks. A particularly memorable one showed us goggle-eyed 7-year-olds what would happen if you stood too close to a train going past. You know what happens? Your head comes off. Then there was the terrifying one I saw when I was a teenager with a lady who got stuck on the tracks when her car stalled and her baby was in the backseat. Yeah. The baby didn't make it. TRAUMA. OK? I am SO careful on railroad tracks, you have no idea.

Escalators. Railroad tracks. What are your PSA-related childhood traumas?

Wherein the Reader Learns That the Narrator is Batshit Crazy or Disasters I've Obsessed Over and Related Media

So, I'm pretty neurotic, right? Given toward anxiety and borderline OCD-ish tendencies. Not quite diagnosable for either Generalized Anxiety Disorder or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (I looked it up in the DSM-IV. At work. Several times), but close. I'm a lot better than I used to be, actually. I spend fewer nights in a tangle of panic-ridden insomnia. I don't have actual panic attacks. Pong used to call me a "ninny" when we were dating and I'd spin off on some tangent about how the bus driver on my route would think I'd cheated him because he'd let me on the bus without paying because I'd told him I was going to buy a monthly bus pass but then the store was SOLD OUT of bus passes and it's not like I'd ASKED him to let me on the bus for free! He offered! I couldn't help it!

See? That's how I am. A ninny.

But you know what doesn't help my ninny-like nature? My attraction to media involving disasters and disastrous things. If it could conceivably send a tickle of pure horror down my spine, I'M THERE. I WANT TO READ ABOUT IT/WATCH THAT DOCUMENTARY, ETC. This is not good. This is not conducive to my mental health/serenity/zen whatever. IT GENERALLY REALLY DAMAGES MY CALM. But I am powerless to stop. I totally get this from my mother, who also loves hearing about a good disaster. The woman lulls herself to sleep with forensic shows, ok? But the thing is, she doesn't freak out! I DO. You know who is my co-pilot on this trip to Panicville, Population: 2? Sorsha. You know who constantly is trying to stop me from boarding the S.S. Freakout? Mame. And EGT.

Mame and I have been friends for like, 17 years? Something like that? Our friendship is a high school student, at any rate. She has always tried to stop me when my obsessions reach peak levels. She tries to grab books about disasters out of my hands. She tells me I'm not allowed to watch anymore documentaries about Mt. Everest. If EGT could, she would break into my house and install internet controls on my laptop. Not to keep me from reading porn, she's fine with that. No, to keep me from reading about school shootings. Or extinction level events (PRIONS! ASTEROIDS! CLIMATE CHANGE! KRAKENS!). Or watching British Cold War PSAs. (NO, SERIOUSLY. DON'T WATCH THOSE.) I don't listen to them, but I appreciate their efforts. It makes me feel loved.

Ah, but Sorsha. I met Sorsha at work and we had a lot in common right away. We both are snarky and excitable and have a wide streak of geekiness. You know how the first time you hang out with someone from work, it's a delicate dance, almost like a date? You know, you have to sort of feel them out for how weird you can reveal yourself to be? Or...is that just me? 'K, then. The first time Sorsha and I hung out, we talked for 6 hours about: Lord of the Rings, Buffy, Doctor Who and all kinds of other geeky things. Then somehow, we turned to...disasters. And how we both LOVE READING ABOUT THEM. I told her about crowd crushing. She told me about rogue waves. I told her about Mt. Everest and how it wants to kill you for climbing it. She told me about how the Canary Islands might fall into the ocean and cause a mega-tsunami. Then we talked about serial killers. It was SO much fun. Her poor sainted husband sat and listened for awhile, eyebrows raised. And then he said, and I quote, "Dear God, there's another one of you" and stomped off to do something useful. Sorsha's and my bonding over disasters makes me feel accepted.

Here is a by-no-means-complete list of some of the horrible things I've obsessed about and related media:

• Anthrax and smallpox: The Demon in the Freezer, Richard Preston (I also read The Hot Zone by the same author.)
  
• Rogue waves/mega-tsunamis (There is an alarming lack of media about this sort of thing!)
• Crowd crushing (ALSO an alarming lack! This is a public safety issue! If you really want to freak out, read about the Hillsborough Stadium Disaster. *shudder*)
• People who leave their kids in hot cars: hyperthermia
• Various man-made disasters
• The Boston Molasses Disaster (No, that's not an experimental 80s band.)
  
• The Dyatlov Pass Incident (This one FREAKS ME OUT! It's like an X-Files episode!)
• Too many true crime novels to count
  

Yeah. So...click on any of those links and never sleep again. I know this isn't good for me and it will make me anxious and sad. And yet. If I know you in real life, I'm sure I have accosted you at some point and detailed some terrifying incident in excited yet wary tones. And I'm sorry for that. But hey, you did learn that four people per square meter is minimum safe distance in a crowd, right? IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE.

Music Review: Godspeed You! Black Emperor, "f#a# (infinity symbol)"

So. One of my favorite movies EVER is 28 Days Later. It scared the shit out of me in the theater, great storyline, great performances, Christopher Eccleston AND Cillian Murphy, an awesome heroine in Selena, post-apocalyptic zombies...I mean, really. That's like catnip for me. Anyway, for some reason, I've been really into the soundtrack lately. I own it and haven't listened to it in years, but dug it out the other day. But then I remembered that my favorite musical interlude from the film isn't on the official soundtrack and I didn't know why. And if there's thing I love to do, it's unraveling bullshit trivia like that.

My favorite bit is the music that plays over the scene where Jim is wandering around the deserted city. It's from the Canadian band Godspeed You! Black Emperor's album "f#a# (infinity symbol)" [Ed. Actual infinity symbol. I just don't know how to do that. And don't care that much.] from the second...movement, I guess you'd call it, "East Hastings." Huh. I had never, ever heard of that band. And of course, when I check on the dark mother iTunes, each track is "album only." Same situation on Amazon. Grrrr. I posted about it on Facebook all, "Uh, anyone every heard of this band? Do the suck? WTF?" and as I was hoping, one of my much-hipper-than-me, musically inclined friends answered and made some suggestions.

So, I headed to Youtube where I listened to the entire album.

...Whoa. The album consists of three long, instrumental sections: "The Dead Flag Blues," "East Hastings" and "Providence." The first track opens with a long, ominous tone and a spoken word monologue about...I don't know. The end of the world or something. IT'S REALLY FUCKING CREEPY. But also incredibly compelling. Each section sort of builds on itself. I could hear echoes of the section I liked so much from "East Hastings" in the earlier track. Throughout the album is the use of ambient noises and spoken word and many different musical influences from a country/bluegrass twang to straight up rock and a smoother, more classical sound.

It was, oddly, a really emotionally visceral experience. I was creeped out and sort of felt like I was going to cry at several points. Not because the music was sad. I guess because it was so complex and evoked so many contradictory emotions. I don't know, I think I'm sounding really pretentious here and not meaning to. Heh.

When I got to "East Hastings," I was all psyched because I'd found the first section so interesting. It was aaaaawesome. (Except for the end. I hated that part, but more on that later.) That rock bit is just so slammin' it's like I can't hold my body still when I hear it. I have to MOVE. Though the section ended with a long section of static. I hate that. The sound of static just really, really wigs me out. I think I blame The Ring, but whatever.

I know nothing about the culture surrounding this band, I don't know if they're like, a pretentious hipster band or whatever. But I really liked this album. Yaaaaay!

IT'S THE SNOWMAGEDDON!!!11!!

Today was the second (or was it third?) HUGE snow storm that we've gotten here in NJ. Gotta love global warming, right?

I did not go to work because there weather dot com told me I would be in "life-threatening peril" if I left my house. No doubt from polar bears and walruses and ice weasels. I spent the day downloading music and watching the first two Underworld movies. With commentary. Come, let me tell you about the HUGE, WEIRD CRUSH I have on Michael Sheen. Or as Sorsha calls it, my "Michael Sheen Pathology." And she's a mental health professional. She would know.

The first and third Underworld movies are delightfully terrible, just the thing to watch with friends and mock. The second one: Underworld: Evolution? Was an absolute TRIAL to get through and Sheen in in the damn thing for LITERALLY 10 seconds. Awesome. It's a dreadful movie. And I like Scott Speedman as much as the next heterosexual woman with a working optic nerve (TEAM BEN ALL THE WAY!!!), but even his sex scene was lousy. I'm sure glad that the director mentioned in the commentary that the latex suit Kate Beckinsale was wearing smelled like a giant condom. Because that's all I could think of. GREAT.

While I wouldn't exactly call the Underworld franchise a feat of feminist filmmaking, I do enjoy that no one seems to bat an eye at Beckinsale's Selene kicking ass and taking names AND being a girl. They never even mention it. I mean, she's not a human woman, she's a vampire so it's not like she's striking a blow for the average woman. And she's wearing a shiny catsuit that looks like they spraypainted it on her, but still. I'll take my tiny victories where I can get them.

My Obsession With "The Terminator" Series or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned To Love The Robot

HA! I started this back when Terminator: Salvation was in the theaters. I suck. Sorry! Mame and I will try to get back to regular posting again soon. We've both been so busy! SORRY.

So, there's a new Terminator movie out! Yay! I am a total FREAK for the Terminator movies (Well, for the first two movies, anyway). The way some people are about Star Trek? I'm that way about The Terminator. I first saw The Terminator when I was about 6 years old. It made quite an impression on me and remains to this day, my favorite movie. Unfortunately, I am ridiculously geeky about it and am fiercely protective of the characters. I managed about half of one episode of The Sarah Connor Chronicles because turning it off because it didn't fit into my view of that particular fictional universe. I know, I know. (But...BUT!!! John Connor is NOT a whiny little bitch! Kyle Reese did NOT have a BROTHER. Sarah Connor would NOT shack up with Ryan O'Reily, OK.)

Sorry about that. Anyway, The Terminator is a sci-fi action film set in the early 80s. Linda Hamilton plays Sarah Connor, a regular girl with a crappy waitressing job and a jerk boyfriend. (Later in the series, it's stated that Sarah is 19 years old. Which I'll go with that since the movie tells me so, but Hamilton was a good 10 years older than that when they made the film. Just sayin'.) She's not especially tough or ass-kicking. She's cute and funny and nice and has a hilarious 80s shag haircut. But that's about it. But there are two men looking for her, one a giant Austrian bodybuilder (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger) and the other an intense blond guy a trench coat and messy hair (Paging EGT! More about him later, I promise). Both men are dodgy and heavily armed. We see that the enormous Austrian is killing all the ladies in the phone book named Sarah Connor. This is not looking good for our girl.

So, after many bullets fly and several women mistaken for Sarah Connor are dead, the hot blond guy (Did I forget to mention that he is HOT?) finds Sarah and saves her life. His name is Kyle Reese and he's a soldier sent from the future to protect her. The guy trying to kill her is a Terminator, a metal robot wearing a person suit, also sent from the future. She has been "targeted for termination" because she will give birth to John Connor who will lead the human revolution in the war against the machines. Sarah is understandably dubious regarding this turn of events. But Kyle convinces her and they go on to kick ass, our girl Sarah finding all sorts of reserves of strength and awesomeness that she didn't know she had.

It's SUCH a great movie; tightly plotted, action-packed, well-written and suspenseful. There is not an ounce of fat on this screenplay, everything that is in it is there for a reason. It handles the time travel aspect extremely well and in an innovative way. Also, there is quite a bit of exposition that has to be delivered and I feel like it's done really well. There's tons of information that the viewer needs to know about this particular apocalyptic future and that could get boring fast and it doesn't. As for the Terminator effects...well. It WAS made 25 years ago (DAMN. 25 YEARS AGO?!) and you kind of have to make allowances for that. But the Terminator endoskeleton is still TERRIFYING.

Sarah Connor and Kyle Reese are great characters. Kyle Reese was my first love, seriously, when I was a little girl. He's tough, hot, smart, TOTALLY BADASS and not afraid to defer to a woman or allow her to take charge. (I appreciated similar qualities in another character that Michael Biehn played, Cpl. Hicks in Aliens. Call me, Michael Biehn*!) Kyle protects Sarah and teaches her how to blow shit up, but never condescends to her. It's awesome.

And Sarah Connor. Oh, Sarah Connor, you have been the pinnacle of badass women for over 25 years. You have shown sexually confused girls the way toward happy bisexualism (...so I've heard). You are the perfect balance of mother/warrior. That's one of the best things about Sarah. She's not just famous for giving birth to The Legend John Connor. She didn't just gestate him and then hand him over to like, a team of ninjas. She raised him and taught him all his badass robot-destroying skills. And she was just a regular girl before the Terminator showed up on her doorstep. She didn't now how to load a gun or blow up a warehouse or steal a credit card. She learned, taught her son and then he will save the world.

Now, I know some people will insist that Terminator 2 is the superior movie. To those people, I say, "BAH." The effects are superior and they are still pretty damned astonishing. But there're some plot holes there and too much Arnold and it's just, to me, not as good at the first. The third movie was...better than I expected. It's not awesome, but it's not terrible either. There's a really interesting story there about John Connor living off the grid, as a homeless dude because he's totally adrift that his life's mission has been averted. Unfortunately, that's not the story the filmmaker wanted to tell. Alas.

I can't wait for Terminator: Salvation to come out on DVD! Christian Bale and Sam Worthington! WOOOO!

*I met Michael Biehn at a horror con over the summer. I know, I'm a total nerd. It was pretty great. He was really nice and I managed not to be creepy at him. Success!

What is WRONG with me?!

Today I gave my coworker Corey a tutorial of which Jonas brother is which and how old they are. While holding up the copy of Seventeen* magazine that features them on the cover.

I...WHY DO I KNOW THIS? WHYYYYYYY?!?!? I feel like I can somehow blame Perez Hilton for this.

I feel sure of it.

*We get it at the office. I don't have a subscription, I swear. Seventeen used to be a great magazine for teenage girls. You know, back when I was a teenager. I remember they used to have great articles about things like abortion rights, sexual harassment and drugs. They used to have that great "Sex and Your Body" column. Yeah, not so much anymore. It's all Jonas brothers and makeup tips. And New and Different Ways to Hate Your Body. Sorry, current teenage girls. Sucks to be you.

Books, Books and More Books!

I am currently swarmed with books. And that is just the way I like it! I have, after 25 years of borrowing from the library, just recently figured out how to go online and renew and reserve books. Yes, I really am that stupid. So, every week of so, I get a phone call from the robot at the library telling me that they have my book. Yaaay!

Books I have from the library:

• Pride and Prejudice and Zombies -- I have been waiting for this book for at least a month. I'm SO excited! Two of my favorite things: Jane Austen and zombies! Also, ninjas! Excerpt: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession brains must be in want of more brains. HA!
  
• Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer and The Climb by Anatoli Boukreev, dueling accounts of the same disastrous expedition to Mt. Everest. I've started Into Thin Air and it's very good. I know nothing about Mt. Everest or climbing it, so I'm learning all sorts of things.
  
• Patient Zero by Jonathan Maberry, a novel about terrorism and zombism. Uncle V, you should probably check this one out!
• Coraline by Neil Gaiman since I loved the movie so much. And I just sort of adore Neil Gaiman generally.
• Stargazer by Claudia Gray. It's a teen-y vampire series, MUCH better than Twilight, not that that is a ringing endorsement or anything. If you like that sort of thing, I recommend this series.

My lovely co-blogger Mame sent me a delightful care package for my birthday! (A month and a half late, inspiring this conversation:
Mame: I just mailed your birthday package!
Bea: Ha ha ha, dude, why didn't you just wait to bring it with you when you come out in June?
Mame: Because then it would be TWO months late and that's just tacky.) She sent me The Friday Night Knitting Club, The Little House Guidebook (!!!) and How To Survive A Horror Movie (Useful!).

And THEN, the faithful EGT mailed me The Complete Sherlock Holmes after I'd mentioned in an email that the trailer for the new Holmes movie made me curious about other Holmes stories. Since I'd only read The Hound of the Baskervilles and that was in high school. Yaaay!

Comic-wise, I've got Maus I & II on deck and the next installments in Gerard Way's Umbrella Academy series.

And THEN, my email girls and I were tossing around the idea of doing a Harry Potter re-read this summer.

Most excellent!

I Firmly Believe In A Ruling Class...

...Especially since I rule. Just a quick note for those who are poorly socialized -- rude comments do not get posted on this blog. We have comment moderation for a reason. (Mostly, it's so Mame or I don't miss comments on older entries. But it becomes handy when people are douches.) The only rude comments that get posted are from me and Auntie Mame. Anyone else? They get rejected and we tell all our friends and we all laugh about it.

Particularly if they are anonymous. Don't like it? Go fucking read something else.

Got it?

This Is Turning Into A Knitting Blog, Isn't It?

...Maybe. Ok, not really. I'm supposed to go the movies this weekend and see Wolverine AND Star Trek, so you know, it'll be all geeky movie reviews pretty soon. And surely there will be something new for me to whine about. And I have an entry cooking about terrible American remakes of awesome British shows and I need to hassle you all about how you should watch Criminal Minds and how it hurts me in my heart when you don't.

So, back to knitting. I've mastered casting on and the knit stitch. And I know how to purl. FUCK YOU, PURL STITCH. I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU. You are the evil twin of the perfectly fun knit stitch!!! HAAAAAAATE.

And I've switched knitting books. I was using Knitting for Dummies, but I was finding it frustrating. Not enough pictures of what things should look like, directions that weren't terribly clear, boring patterns. It got some bad reviews on Amazon and my friend The World Traveller recommended Stitch 'N Bitch*. So I got that and like it much better. It has some SUPER CUTE patterns, including two very easy-looking (easy to make, not slutty) scarves that I am going to attempt as soon as I learn that binding off step and buy the yarn.

YARN. WHY IS YARN SO EXPENSIVE AND WEIRD? Ok, there are no craft stores that are very close to me. They are all out-of-the-way and inconvenient. (You get totally spoiled living in N.J. because everything is really close to you. If a store is 10 miles away, it's unbearably inconvenient. Or maybe that's just me.) Walmart, aside from being soul-sucking and evil, has really ugly colors of yarn. And damn it, if I'm going to fuck up some yarn with my bad stitching, at least it can be PRETTY when I do it. And there is a really cute privately-owned yarn store near my work, but I went in there today and DAMN. I can't afford that! I would love to patronize an independent store but I can't be paying $8 a skein. (It's not that I don't appreciate quality, I totally do. But my knitting is not up to quality yarn. I'd rather make some practice projects that won't cost a ton of money while I learn, you know?) And the knitter ladies all hanging around in a circle eating butter cookies and knitting impossibly complicated projects intimidated me, I'm sorry to say. So, it's back to the craft store for me, I guess. Grrr. Anyone have any secrets for cheap, non-ugly yarn?

*HA. So, I got the Stitch 'N Bitch book from the library. I'd requested it a few days ago and went to pick it up, along with a freakisly eclectic selection of other books. I go to the sweet, prim little librarian and tell her that they are holding a book for me but I'm not sure which one. (True, at any given time, I have 4-5 holds going. I'm greedy.) The sweet, prim little librarian looks in the system and her face tightens and she says, "Yes, it's...a book on knitting." (Usually the tell you the title.) I start giggling on the inside and consider trying to make her say the title out loud by asking, "Which one?" but that's probably mean. She hands it to me, "Interesting title, " she sniffs disapprovingly.

Heh. Who says knitting isn't scandalous?

So...I Thought The Internet Was For Porn?

I'm...watching knitting videos on Youtube. This one, to be exact. Can anyone tell me why as soon as I actually start knitting that my stitches get too tight for me to do more than like, three? WHY? And then I start shrieking. Clearly, I'm doing something wrong.

E.T.A.: AHA! Ok, like, 25 minutes later, I think I've figured it out! Mostly by doing what I was pretty sure was the WRONG way to do it. I was bringing the right-hand needle through the wrong way. Knitting the George Costanza way! If it feels wrong, it's right!

Postscript To My Boston, Um, Post

I forgot! Dr. Smarty-Pants started teaching me how to knit! One of my New Year's Resolutions this year was to learn how to knit. It seems fun and productive and I'd like to have a useful skill for when the zombie apocalypse comes. I could knit scarves and hats for the humans who remain and also fight off zombies with my knitting needles! It's a completely brilliant plan!

So far, knitting is fun and Dr. Smarty-Pants was VERY patient in teaching me. But I totally suck at it. I got Knitting For Dummies out of the library and it's been somewhat helpful. But I have little-to-no spatial relation skills, so reading how to knit doesn't always work. I need someone to show me. Over and over and over. Until the light over my head flickers for awhile and then goes on. I finally figured out how to transfer my knitting from one needle to the other...and then promptly dropped like, a million stitches and then yelped, "OH FUCK!!!" Then I switched from metal needles to bamboo ones. It's been much better since then. One might also debate the wisdom of giving me too many sharp, pointy objects...

Maybe in ten years, I can make all you guys hats or something! Stay tuned for more of my Thrilling Adventures In Knitting!

Marry, Cliff, Shag -- Round One

You know what game I love? Marry, Cliff, Shag. Everyone should play this game. It is EXCELLENT for road trips, long lines at the grocery store (Hey, play it with people in line around you. Guaranteed good times!) and being stuck at the airport. For those who have never played (I'm so sad for you!), here are the rules: Of the three choices given, you must choose to marry one, shag one and toss the other off a cliff. Simple, easy, HOURS OF ENTERTAINMENT.

So, let's play! Let's get some Marry, Cliff, Shag up in this bitch! I'll call out a few regular blog readers with choices, but if you challenge me (Or Mame!) in the comments, we shall challenge back! You can use celebrities, fictional characters, politicians, historical figures, whatever you like! If it would be more fun, feel free to explain your reasoning. I once won a particularly memorable round with Mame and her husband Beau when I chose to shag Tucker Carlson, cliff Newt Gingrich and marry Bill O'Reilly so that I could make every day of his life a living hell. Now THAT was a good game!

Here we go:

Mame -- Marry, Cliff, Shag: John Travola, Leland Chapman, Paul Rudd

Two of Hearts -- Marry, Cliff, Shag: All V.C. Andrews "heroes:" Christopher from Flowers in the Attic, Jimmy from Dawn, Arden from My Sweet Audrina

Sorcha -- Marry, Cliff, Shag: Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds, James Marsden (It's the all X-Men round!)

EGT -- Marry, Cliff, Shag: the Top Gear boys: Richard Hammond, Jeremy Clarkson, James May (With current hair, as that may influence your decision)

Anyone and everyone who wants to play, take it to the comments!

It's My Birthday And Apparently, I *Will* Cry If I Want To.

So, my 30th birthday is fast approaching. I'm not a big birthday person, I'm of the Patton Oswalt "We need to conserve cake and paper" opinion about them. I don't really care about turning 30 either. I'm pretty sure I'll be the same geeky weirdo who enjoys age-inappropriate pop culture who went to bed 29 years old and woke up 30. Still a Twilight fan? Check. Still rockin' out to My Chemical Romance? Check. Reading comics? Yup. Powerpuff Girls? Uh-huh. Watching "Gossip Girl?" You betcha. Fuck putting away childish things. What fun would that be? I still want that tattoo and nose piercing and maybe this is the year I'll woman up and do it!

The past few years as my birthday approaches, I always remember a birthday that was especially significant for me. No, not my 18th. I don't even remember that one, really. (No, I wasn't drunk. I just don't remember how I celebrated it) Not my 19th, which I would still rate as my best birthday. And definitely not my 21st, which was, of course, spent in a bar. There was that momentary thrill of "Oooh, now I can drink LEGALLY!" but that passed and drinking lost most of its already limited appeal once it was no big thing. For me, the most important birthday (so far!) was my 23rd. I know, right? Who gives a shit about 23 years old?

Lemme 'splain...no, no, there's too much. Lemme sum up.

I was living in Grim City the year after I graduated from college. I'd had the bright idea that it would be SUPER AWESOME to move in with my college boyfriend and live in this city and go to grad school. Well, grad school plans fell through (Due to poor planning on my part and lack of funds) and I had a shitty job that I hated. Well, I had two jobs, one shitty that I hated where my boss couldn't stand me and treated me poorly but worked me like crazy and one that was totally fun but paid very little. The awesome job was working nights and weekends in an indie video store. Seriously, that job and the people I worked with there kept me smiling. That, and the Powerpuff Girl puppets that I made. (No, really, they were adorable) At this particular time, Mame and I were not on speaking terms, which totally blew. (Clearly, we got over that. Yay!) [We do not SPEAK of that time, BEA! -Mame] I haaaaaated Grim City. I missed my family and my college friends. And my relationship went south in a really long, drawn-out and miserable fashion. Oh, but the best part? We still had to live together. Yeah, that ruled. GREAT PLANNING, BEA. I was the Dramatic Girl Who Is In A Bad Relationship. I cried a lot and pretty much everyone in my life was sick to death of hearing about it. I was sick to death of it and I knew I had to get over myself but I had very little idea of how to do that.

Now that we're all caught up...it was my birthday. I was hundreds of miles away from my family and most of my friends. My closest Grim City friends, Josephine and Sweet were out of town. I couldn't be in the same room as Ex, let alone expect any kind of birthday wishes from him. (Seriously, if he'd gotten me a cake or something, I would have had had it tested for poison and/or bodily fluids)

So, I'm trudging home from work, miserable and self-pitying and griping to myself about none of my friends being around and blah blah, being a huge baby. And then I had an epiphany. IT WAS NO ONE'S RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE ME HAPPY BUT MY OWN. It wasn't Sweet's or Josie's job to make sure I was entertained on my birthday nor was it anyone else's. If I was miserable, that was my own fault. So, I sat down for a bit and thought about what I would like to do with my evening. Sadly, this took some thinking. Most of my time lately had been spent at work, on my way to or from work, crying, complaining or having pointless, painful conversations with Ex. I decided I wanted to go to the library and then get takeout from this awesome Mexican restaurant that was around the block from my apartment. (I'd been avoiding that place because Ex and I used to like to go there. Yeah, really.) And that's what I did. Then I came home, watched some tv, messed around with my scrapbooking stuff and read. It was a good night.

Don't get me wrong, I was still a fucking wreck for a long while after that. But that was an important lesson. Even though I look back at that particular time in my life and cringe until I almost break my spine, I probably wouldn't change a thing. If I could hop in the Tardis, I'd leave it all the same. Because I learned. I always thought that Eleanor Roosevelt quote about no one being able to make you feel inferior without your consent was victim-blaming. I still kind of do. Sometimes people are just dicks and being around people who are dicks makes you feel like shit. (There's a Team America: World Police joke here, but I can't quite get to it...) But there's some truth to it. If you let people treat you badly, that's what they'll do. If you define yourself by someone else's reactions to or feelings about, you, well. There you go.

These days, I have a quietly pleasant life. I have an awesome family and great friends. I have a job that I like and find satisfying. I have hobbies and things I like to do and I mostly don't care what anyone thinks about it. I haven't had a screaming fight that ended with me throwing a chair in years.

So, hey. Happy fucking birthday to me, right? (Seriously, though. We don't want to run out of cake and paper!)

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day, babies! Anyone else think that Google's holiday homepage today is a little creepy? That it looks like the sort of thing that a serial killer would write on your bathroom mirror in lipstick after Psycho-ing you in the shower? No? Just me? 'K then.

Alas.

Terror At...4 and 1/2 Feet

So, I don't know about you, but I watch a lot of horror movies and crime-related television. (Newest tv obsession? Criminal Minds. SPENCER REID!!! Ahem.) And often, I'm quick to jump to worst-case scenarios when a situation seems like it might be a bit dodgy. A dude in a moving van? Clearly, he's looking for girls to make a skin suit out of. A guy dressed in a Santa Suit? Obviously, Silent Night, Deadly Night come to life! Someone who smells like formaldehyde? Well. That's just CAN'T be good. Anyway, it leads me to sometimes, shall we say, jump to conclusions. And by "jump," I mean, "take a huge fucking leap."

Last weekend, I did some stuff around the house and cleaned out my car, which it DESPERATELY NEEDED. OH MY GOD, GROSS. And then I drove out to a shopping center to run some errands. I was listening to music, enjoying the sunny day. And I suddenly heard a...knocking sound on the passenger side of my car.

[knock. knock. knock.]

I turn the music down and listen closer. I don't hear anything. Ok, maybe I kicked up a rock or something. Then a few minutes later, I hear it AGAIN. And it definitely sounds like a KNOCKING. I move my mirrors to check the side of the car...nope. Nothing there. Huh. Ok. I keep driving. I HEAR IT SOME MORE.

[knock. knock. knock.]

Is it the man with the hook for the hand?! Is it a ZOMBIE?! Did I run over a serial killer and now he's going to follow me around wearing a rain coat and wielding an axe?! IS IT A GREMLIN?! HOW MANY MORE HORROR TROPES CAN I IMAGINE HANGING OFF THE SIDE OF MY CAR?! I can't see anything out the window. The car doors are locked. No one driving behind me is frantically signalling to me. It's also BROAD DAYLIGHT. I'm almost to the shopping center. I'm not STOPPING ALONG THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, OK.

[knock. knock. knock.]

I arrive at the shopping center and park my car. I get out sloooowly. I look on the passenger side...

The fucking passenger side seatbelt is hanging out the door. I must have pulled it out when I was cleaning and they don't always go back up the way they're supposed to and then it got pushed out the door. It was banging on the side of the car while I was driving along, making this noise: knock. knock. knock.

I'm a paranoid idiot.

Movie Review: "Twilight"

Ok, I have now stopped laughing long enough to write my Twilight review. It took awhile. Now, don't get me wrong. I liked the movie. Quite a bit, actually. FAR more than I thought I would. But it was often ridiculous and overwrought, you know, much like teenage romance. I actually think the movie is better than the book. And that almost never happens. I saw the movie with my mom and we both read all four books and enjoyed them, mostly. One of my favorite things to do is to tell unsuspecting people what happens in book four. (You ever see Alien? It's JUST like that! Only not as good! And WAY more gory!) I spent equal time laughing hysterically and leaning forward in my seat making goo-goo eyes at the lovestruck teenagers. It took until halfway through the movie for Mom and I to stop giggling whenever Robert Pattison and his hair came onscreen. (At his first appearance, I cracked up and Mom exclaimed, "His eyebrows are trapezoids!" Don't you wish you'd been sitting behind us?)

Quick and dirty plot synopsis: Seventeen-year-old Bella Swann moves to some rainy town in Washington (Or is it Oregon? Whatever) to live with her dad because, blah, no one cares. She meets some kids at school, including the BEAUTIFUL AND MYSTERIOUS CULLEN FAMILY. All the other Cullen kids are paired up pseudo-incestuously with other Cullens except for the wild-haired Edward. Oh, the Cullens are vampires. SHHHH. It's a (poorly kept) secret! But they're nice vampires, they don't eat people. Only wildlife. Edward totally wants to eat/have awkward sex with Bella. Ah, young love. Bella is down with either because she's stupid. Blah blah blah, longing looks, sparkling, vampire baseball, evil vampire trio, plot, plot, plot, VAMPIRE FIGHT, WRIST-SUCKING, prom, kissing, THE END.

Things I liked:

• The script. Given the source material, Twilight has a very good script. It's structured better than the book (I liked how the vampire killings are shown from the beginning of the movie. That way it's not like, "SURPRISE! EVIL VAMPIRE AMBUSH!!" when they appear later.), the characters, particularly Bella's classmates, are better drawn and it had FAR less padding than the book. The novel is at least 100 pages too long. Pages and pages of adolescent whining and repetition.
  
• The actors. With one notable exception (JASPER!!), all the actors are excellent. They all throw themselves into their roles and inhabit them completely. The vampire family is especially well done, except for one. (JASPER. OH, WE'LL TALK ABOUT HIM LATER)
  
• The chemistry between Bella and Edward. Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart have SMOKIN' chemistry. Seriously. That kiss? Was very, very hot. You could feel the LONGING. Of course, they can't have sex because Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon, I mean, because Edward could kill Bella if he "loses control." Ah, yes, the demon that is sexuality. SCARY. (It's like in Mallrats when Brodie is wondering if Superman and Lois Lane could have sex because wouldn't his Super Sperm pierce her uterus? Just like that, only more repressed!)
  
• Everything in Twilight is very pretty to look at. Both the scenery and all the people. You could retitle it Pretty People Posing and Occasionally Hiking in Pretty Woods and Sometimes Talking. A bit wordy, but accurate.
  
• VAMPIRE FIGHT!!!
• Bella's dad. I didn't find him nearly as touching in the book as I did in the movie. He was really sweet! The actor did a really nice job with such a lightweight role.
• The trio of evil vampires. They were almost actually scary! And oddly hot.
  
• I liked that the movie does not downplay how fucking creepy Edward is. First, he stares at Bella like she's lunch and then twitches around like a freak. Then he befriends her all weirdly and possessively. Then he offers to kill people for her. (To be fair, they were like, would-be gang rapists, but still) Then he tells her that there's a chance he might kill her. You know, accidentally. Then he admits that he sneaks into her room at night...to watch her sleep. Riiiiight. Romantic! At the very least, the actor playing Edward knows what a stalky creeper he is and plays him accordingly.
• I was amused by the montages of Edward and Bella having deep conversations and seeming to connect on a level other than hormonal/sanguinary. You could never hear what they were talking about which is unfortunate because I can't imagine what a teenage girl and a 150-year-old stalker would talk about. Now we'll never know!
  

Things I Didn't Like:

• JASPER. OH MY GOD. What is WRONG with that actor? Was he in a coma? I don't think he made a single facial expression during the entire movie. Every time someone made a comment about how Jasper was feeling or something, I was like, "Um. How can you tell?" Since everyone else in the movie was fine, I'm going to have to chalk his SOCIOPATHICALLY FLAT AFFECT up to bad acting, rather than bad directing. DAMN.
• Robert Pattison's hair. Did his stylist hate him? There's a fine line between "artfully tousled" and "desperately trying to escape the earthly confines of his scalp" and that line is crossed MANY times.
  
• Bella's narration. UGH. Book-Bella is really fucking annoying. Movie-Bella is less so because we are not in her head. We don't have to listen to her whine about how Edward would never love someone like her and rain sucks and school is stupid and blah blah infinity. But then, pretentious narration!
  
• And ok, since Bella's classmates are so much more well-written in the movie than in the book, it makes Bella seem like even more of a wet blanket for ditching them for a guy who wants to make a smoothie out of her innards. They're fun, quirky kids who write the school newspaper and hang out in hippied-out vans! Add cigarettes and magnetic locker poetry and that's just like Mame's and my group of friends in high school! But no, Bella is totally bored by them. Of course, Mom pointed out that every girl who is obsessed with her boyfriend totally ditches her friends and acts like that. True, true.
• The stupid thing with Edward catching the apple. That caused me to guffaw so loudly that Mom hissed at me to behave myself. HAHAHAHA.
• THE WRIST-SUCKING. Are you KIDDING me?! Was that supposed to be serious?
  
• I was disappointed with the sparkling. I expected Edward to be WAY sparklier. I'm assuming the filmmakers were trying to avoid camp, but guys? TOO LATE. This is Twilight; less is NOT more.
• Some of the dialogue was appalling. And most of the real groaners? Came straight from the book. Guys, it was bad enough having to READ that lion/lamb shit, let alone hearing real people actually SAY it.
  
• My Chemical Romance does not appear on the soundtrack. I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS.
• I still want to send Stephenie Meyer a care package containing copies of The Gift of Fear, Backlash and Reviving Opelia, 'cause damn.
  

Still. It was great times. It was not, however, good enough to deserve a text at 2:3o in the morning opening night telling me how AWESUM!!11 it was, MY TEENAGE COUSIN BRIANNA. Ugh.

Also, I may or may not be writing this review under the influence of muscle relaxers. So, you know, keep that in mind. (TEAM JACOB ALL THE WAY, BITCHES!!!)