Today was the release date for the new My Chemical Romance CD, Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys. Of course I went out on my lunch break and bought it. And very happily danced my way back to work. Yes, I can dance and drive at the same time. I'm special that way. VERY. SPECIAL.
Now, if you clicked that Target link -- and I doubt you did -- you'll see that it says that the CD is available online but not in stores. Since today was the release date, this confused me. And I'd be damned if I'd waste precious minutes of my lunch break on a failed visit to Target. So, I called the store.
I knew I would regret this.
The Target near my work is not a good Target. It's poorly stocked and staffed. I routinely want to slap people in the makeup aisles. But, whatever, it's two seconds away from my work; it's convenient. So, this happened:
Target Guy: Hellothankyouforcallingtargetthisiselectronicshowmayihelpyou.
Me: Hi! Do you have My Chemical Romance's new CD in stock today?
Target Guy: ...What is it called?
Me: Danger Days.
Target Guy: [dubiously] What's the name of the band?
Me: [sigh] My Chemical Romance.
Target Guy: [suspiciously] And what's the name of the CD again?
Me: Danger. Days.
Target Guys: Danger Days...Danger Days...huh. And what genre of music is that?
Me: Rock.
Target Guy: ...Huh. Yeah, we have it. It's $8.99.
Me: Cool! Thanks!
fin.
I enjoyed how he clearly had no idea what I was talking about and thought I was just making shit up. Which is not outside the realm of possibility, but not today. Whatever, he probably just has better taste in music than I do. WHATEVER, DON'T JUDGE ME.
IT'S REALLY AWESOME! :DDDDDDDDD
Showing posts with label Shameful Things. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shameful Things. Show all posts
Monday, November 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Wherein the Reader Learns That the Narrator is Batshit Crazy or Disasters I've Obsessed Over and Related Media
So, I'm pretty neurotic, right? Given toward anxiety and borderline OCD-ish tendencies. Not quite diagnosable for either Generalized Anxiety Disorder or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (I looked it up in the DSM-IV. At work. Several times), but close. I'm a lot better than I used to be, actually. I spend fewer nights in a tangle of panic-ridden insomnia. I don't have actual panic attacks. Pong used to call me a "ninny" when we were dating and I'd spin off on some tangent about how the bus driver on my route would think I'd cheated him because he'd let me on the bus without paying because I'd told him I was going to buy a monthly bus pass but then the store was SOLD OUT of bus passes and it's not like I'd ASKED him to let me on the bus for free! He offered! I couldn't help it!
See? That's how I am. A ninny.
But you know what doesn't help my ninny-like nature? My attraction to media involving disasters and disastrous things. If it could conceivably send a tickle of pure horror down my spine, I'M THERE. I WANT TO READ ABOUT IT/WATCH THAT DOCUMENTARY, ETC. This is not good. This is not conducive to my mental health/serenity/zen whatever. IT GENERALLY REALLY DAMAGES MY CALM. But I am powerless to stop. I totally get this from my mother, who also loves hearing about a good disaster. The woman lulls herself to sleep with forensic shows, ok? But the thing is, she doesn't freak out! I DO. You know who is my co-pilot on this trip to Panicville, Population: 2? Sorsha. You know who constantly is trying to stop me from boarding the S.S. Freakout? Mame. And EGT.
Mame and I have been friends for like, 17 years? Something like that? Our friendship is a high school student, at any rate. She has always tried to stop me when my obsessions reach peak levels. She tries to grab books about disasters out of my hands. She tells me I'm not allowed to watch anymore documentaries about Mt. Everest. If EGT could, she would break into my house and install internet controls on my laptop. Not to keep me from reading porn, she's fine with that. No, to keep me from reading about school shootings. Or extinction level events (PRIONS! ASTEROIDS! CLIMATE CHANGE! KRAKENS!). Or watching British Cold War PSAs. (NO, SERIOUSLY. DON'T WATCH THOSE.) I don't listen to them, but I appreciate their efforts. It makes me feel loved.
Ah, but Sorsha. I met Sorsha at work and we had a lot in common right away. We both are snarky and excitable and have a wide streak of geekiness. You know how the first time you hang out with someone from work, it's a delicate dance, almost like a date? You know, you have to sort of feel them out for how weird you can reveal yourself to be? Or...is that just me? 'K, then. The first time Sorsha and I hung out, we talked for 6 hours about: Lord of the Rings, Buffy, Doctor Who and all kinds of other geeky things. Then somehow, we turned to...disasters. And how we both LOVE READING ABOUT THEM. I told her about crowd crushing. She told me about rogue waves. I told her about Mt. Everest and how it wants to kill you for climbing it. She told me about how the Canary Islands might fall into the ocean and cause a mega-tsunami. Then we talked about serial killers. It was SO much fun. Her poor sainted husband sat and listened for awhile, eyebrows raised. And then he said, and I quote, "Dear God, there's another one of you" and stomped off to do something useful. Sorsha's and my bonding over disasters makes me feel accepted.
Here is a by-no-means-complete list of some of the horrible things I've obsessed about and related media:
See? That's how I am. A ninny.
But you know what doesn't help my ninny-like nature? My attraction to media involving disasters and disastrous things. If it could conceivably send a tickle of pure horror down my spine, I'M THERE. I WANT TO READ ABOUT IT/WATCH THAT DOCUMENTARY, ETC. This is not good. This is not conducive to my mental health/serenity/zen whatever. IT GENERALLY REALLY DAMAGES MY CALM. But I am powerless to stop. I totally get this from my mother, who also loves hearing about a good disaster. The woman lulls herself to sleep with forensic shows, ok? But the thing is, she doesn't freak out! I DO. You know who is my co-pilot on this trip to Panicville, Population: 2? Sorsha. You know who constantly is trying to stop me from boarding the S.S. Freakout? Mame. And EGT.
Mame and I have been friends for like, 17 years? Something like that? Our friendship is a high school student, at any rate. She has always tried to stop me when my obsessions reach peak levels. She tries to grab books about disasters out of my hands. She tells me I'm not allowed to watch anymore documentaries about Mt. Everest. If EGT could, she would break into my house and install internet controls on my laptop. Not to keep me from reading porn, she's fine with that. No, to keep me from reading about school shootings. Or extinction level events (PRIONS! ASTEROIDS! CLIMATE CHANGE! KRAKENS!). Or watching British Cold War PSAs. (NO, SERIOUSLY. DON'T WATCH THOSE.) I don't listen to them, but I appreciate their efforts. It makes me feel loved.
Ah, but Sorsha. I met Sorsha at work and we had a lot in common right away. We both are snarky and excitable and have a wide streak of geekiness. You know how the first time you hang out with someone from work, it's a delicate dance, almost like a date? You know, you have to sort of feel them out for how weird you can reveal yourself to be? Or...is that just me? 'K, then. The first time Sorsha and I hung out, we talked for 6 hours about: Lord of the Rings, Buffy, Doctor Who and all kinds of other geeky things. Then somehow, we turned to...disasters. And how we both LOVE READING ABOUT THEM. I told her about crowd crushing. She told me about rogue waves. I told her about Mt. Everest and how it wants to kill you for climbing it. She told me about how the Canary Islands might fall into the ocean and cause a mega-tsunami. Then we talked about serial killers. It was SO much fun. Her poor sainted husband sat and listened for awhile, eyebrows raised. And then he said, and I quote, "Dear God, there's another one of you" and stomped off to do something useful. Sorsha's and my bonding over disasters makes me feel accepted.
Here is a by-no-means-complete list of some of the horrible things I've obsessed about and related media:
- Anthrax and smallpox: The Demon in the Freezer, Richard Preston (I also read The Hot Zone by the same author.)
- Rogue waves/mega-tsunamis (There is an alarming lack of media about this sort of thing!)
- Crowd crushing (ALSO an alarming lack! This is a public safety issue! If you really want to freak out, read about the Hillsborough Stadium Disaster. *shudder*)
- People who leave their kids in hot cars: hyperthermia
- Various man-made disasters
- The Boston Molasses Disaster (No, that's not an experimental 80s band.)
- The Dyatlov Pass Incident (This one FREAKS ME OUT! It's like an X-Files episode!)
- Too many true crime novels to count
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Worst. Date. (Movie.) Ever.
So, I read this article about the worst date movies of all time and oh, it reminded me of a story. Ok, we're back in time to this era. I'd started seeing a very nice guy, Pong. Pong had the stupendous luck to be the first guy I dated after Ex and boy, was I a treat.
Anyway, he and I had just started hanging out and I was desperately trying to appear, you know, NORMAL and not batshit crazy. A losing game all around, really. One night, Pong came over to my apartment to watch a movie. Now, you may have noticed about me that I like movies. I have a lot of them. Also, I was managing a video store at the time so there were always tons of screeners and rentals hanging about. So, I told Pong to pick one of my movies.
The movie he chooses? Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. I KNOW, RIGHT? (If you've never seen the film, it's the prequel to the television series. It's a David Lynch film. 'Nuff said, right? It's full of freakishness, violence and sex. Lots and lots of really weird, kinky, rapey sex.) I froze and said, "Uh, are you sure?" and Pong was like, "Yep!" and I was like, "Have you SEEN that movie before?" and he was like, "No, but I've heard it's good. It's good, right?" and I had to be all, "...Yes" becaues it's true. It IS good. It's just...disturbing. REALLY, REALLY DISTURBING.
Cut to 45 or so minutes later...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY LIFE. I'm scrunched in the corner of the couch with my hand half covering my face. Pong is very pointedly not looking at me. I think I cracked around the time we got to the scenes of father/daughter incest and just yelped, "CAN WE PLEASE WATCH SOMETHING ELSE?!" and Pong said, "DEAR GOD, YES." So much for appearing "normal." I owned the damn movie. Heh.
Awkward.
Anyway, he and I had just started hanging out and I was desperately trying to appear, you know, NORMAL and not batshit crazy. A losing game all around, really. One night, Pong came over to my apartment to watch a movie. Now, you may have noticed about me that I like movies. I have a lot of them. Also, I was managing a video store at the time so there were always tons of screeners and rentals hanging about. So, I told Pong to pick one of my movies.
The movie he chooses? Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. I KNOW, RIGHT? (If you've never seen the film, it's the prequel to the television series. It's a David Lynch film. 'Nuff said, right? It's full of freakishness, violence and sex. Lots and lots of really weird, kinky, rapey sex.) I froze and said, "Uh, are you sure?" and Pong was like, "Yep!" and I was like, "Have you SEEN that movie before?" and he was like, "No, but I've heard it's good. It's good, right?" and I had to be all, "...Yes" becaues it's true. It IS good. It's just...disturbing. REALLY, REALLY DISTURBING.
Cut to 45 or so minutes later...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY LIFE. I'm scrunched in the corner of the couch with my hand half covering my face. Pong is very pointedly not looking at me. I think I cracked around the time we got to the scenes of father/daughter incest and just yelped, "CAN WE PLEASE WATCH SOMETHING ELSE?!" and Pong said, "DEAR GOD, YES." So much for appearing "normal." I owned the damn movie. Heh.
Awkward.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
IT'S THE SNOWMAGEDDON!!!11!!
Today was the second (or was it third?) HUGE snow storm that we've gotten here in NJ. Gotta love global warming, right?
I did not go to work because there weather dot com told me I would be in "life-threatening peril" if I left my house. No doubt from polar bears and walruses and ice weasels. I spent the day downloading music and watching the first two Underworld movies. With commentary. Come, let me tell you about the HUGE, WEIRD CRUSH I have on Michael Sheen. Or as Sorsha calls it, my "Michael Sheen Pathology." And she's a mental health professional. She would know.
The first and third Underworld movies are delightfully terrible, just the thing to watch with friends and mock. The second one: Underworld: Evolution? Was an absolute TRIAL to get through and Sheen in in the damn thing for LITERALLY 10 seconds. Awesome. It's a dreadful movie. And I like Scott Speedman as much as the next heterosexual woman with a working optic nerve (TEAM BEN ALL THE WAY!!!), but even his sex scene was lousy. I'm sure glad that the director mentioned in the commentary that the latex suit Kate Beckinsale was wearing smelled like a giant condom. Because that's all I could think of. GREAT.
While I wouldn't exactly call the Underworld franchise a feat of feminist filmmaking, I do enjoy that no one seems to bat an eye at Beckinsale's Selene kicking ass and taking names AND being a girl. They never even mention it. I mean, she's not a human woman, she's a vampire so it's not like she's striking a blow for the average woman. And she's wearing a shiny catsuit that looks like they spraypainted it on her, but still. I'll take my tiny victories where I can get them.
I did not go to work because there weather dot com told me I would be in "life-threatening peril" if I left my house. No doubt from polar bears and walruses and ice weasels. I spent the day downloading music and watching the first two Underworld movies. With commentary. Come, let me tell you about the HUGE, WEIRD CRUSH I have on Michael Sheen. Or as Sorsha calls it, my "Michael Sheen Pathology." And she's a mental health professional. She would know.
The first and third Underworld movies are delightfully terrible, just the thing to watch with friends and mock. The second one: Underworld: Evolution? Was an absolute TRIAL to get through and Sheen in in the damn thing for LITERALLY 10 seconds. Awesome. It's a dreadful movie. And I like Scott Speedman as much as the next heterosexual woman with a working optic nerve (TEAM BEN ALL THE WAY!!!), but even his sex scene was lousy. I'm sure glad that the director mentioned in the commentary that the latex suit Kate Beckinsale was wearing smelled like a giant condom. Because that's all I could think of. GREAT.
While I wouldn't exactly call the Underworld franchise a feat of feminist filmmaking, I do enjoy that no one seems to bat an eye at Beckinsale's Selene kicking ass and taking names AND being a girl. They never even mention it. I mean, she's not a human woman, she's a vampire so it's not like she's striking a blow for the average woman. And she's wearing a shiny catsuit that looks like they spraypainted it on her, but still. I'll take my tiny victories where I can get them.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Brief Thoughts Upon Viewing the Season Premiere of "Dexter"
Uh, a dude who will uncomplainingly get up in the middle of the night with the crying baby? I don't care if he IS a serial killer. Fucking sold!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
What is WRONG with me?!
Today I gave my coworker Corey a tutorial of which Jonas brother is which and how old they are. While holding up the copy of Seventeen* magazine that features them on the cover.
I...WHY DO I KNOW THIS? WHYYYYYYY?!?!? I feel like I can somehow blame Perez Hilton for this.
I feel sure of it.
*We get it at the office. I don't have a subscription, I swear. Seventeen used to be a great magazine for teenage girls. You know, back when I was a teenager. I remember they used to have great articles about things like abortion rights, sexual harassment and drugs. They used to have that great "Sex and Your Body" column. Yeah, not so much anymore. It's all Jonas brothers and makeup tips. And New and Different Ways to Hate Your Body. Sorry, current teenage girls. Sucks to be you.
I...WHY DO I KNOW THIS? WHYYYYYYY?!?!? I feel like I can somehow blame Perez Hilton for this.
I feel sure of it.
*We get it at the office. I don't have a subscription, I swear. Seventeen used to be a great magazine for teenage girls. You know, back when I was a teenager. I remember they used to have great articles about things like abortion rights, sexual harassment and drugs. They used to have that great "Sex and Your Body" column. Yeah, not so much anymore. It's all Jonas brothers and makeup tips. And New and Different Ways to Hate Your Body. Sorry, current teenage girls. Sucks to be you.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
These are a few of my favorite things....
Stepping in line with Bea, I'm writing about my top five favorite things as of this moment. I would do top five songs I've downloaded from iTunes, but I don't use it often enough. I prefer other methods of downloading my music. So instead I've decided to just begin a list of my favorite things: that's right, consider me the white, younger, far less famous, Oprah, but we're both sassy and have big butts. My favorite things vary day to day it seems, but for today, May 26 (8 days left of school!), here they are:
- "Candle on the Water" by Helen Reddy. It's the theme song from Pete's Dragon and it's amazing. Glow Bug has become obsessed with dragons recently, so Beau and I decided he needed to see this movie. Unfortunately, it's not easily available, but this song is!!
- Glow Bug's playlist on my iPod. It has: Stevie Wonder's version of Seasons of Love; Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond, the chorus of which he sings AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS; Sing by the Carpenters; Puff the Magic Dragon by Peter, Paul and Mary; and Solisbury Hill by Peter Gabriel that he affectionately calls the Boom Boom song.
- The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel. I didn't watch Scrubs at all the last two years; the idea of JD having a baby was weird to me. But I did devote a lot of my time to that show in the past, so I watched the series finale that featured this song. I was in tears and immediately downloaded it. It's fantastic!! Also, on a side note: apparently this wasn't the series finale as advertised. Apparently CBS just signed it for another year, but without most of the original cast. Zach Braff is making too much money as the voice of the Charmin dog.
- Salad Toppers by Sargento. Holy crap this stuff is good. They also make a potato toppers, but I can't account for them.
- Dirt (the hair product) by Jonathan Anton. It gives fresh washed hair that day-after manageability without the stink. It's awesome (Volstaag I know you're interested!!)
Monday, May 25, 2009
Guilty Pleasures: The Last 5 Songs You Downloaded
I thought another fun series might be the various guilty pleasures that Mame and I indulge in. (Ew, get your minds out of the gutter. Not like THAT!) One of my main vices is iTunes. I can't. Stop. Downloading. Music. And podcasts. I don't do tv shows or movies, but that's mostly because I don't have that kind of space on Frank the iPod. So, for fun, here are 5 of my most recent downloads:
*And in case anyone is concerned (Doubtful!), I'm still working on my Terminator entry. It's rather...epic.
- "Don't Stop Believin'" by the cast of Glee (I think I made my fondness for this show evident and I was delighted to find that I could get their version. Yay!)
- "Jai Ho" from the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack; I recently saw this movie and only thought it was ok. Dev Patel was adorable, Freida Pinto was beautiful and the music was awesome. I found the dance sequence to this song over the credits particularly delightful.
- "Iowa" by Dar Williams. Beautiful voice, beautiful song.
- "Mad World" by Adam Lambert. (Whatever, don't judge me. I think he's great. And I love this song like, down to my DNA.)
- "Great Expectations," The Gaslight Anthem; I downloaded this one on a recommendation from EGT. She rarely steers me wrong when it comes to music and television.
*And in case anyone is concerned (Doubtful!), I'm still working on my Terminator entry. It's rather...epic.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Terror At...4 and 1/2 Feet
So, I don't know about you, but I watch a lot of horror movies and crime-related television. (Newest tv obsession? Criminal Minds. SPENCER REID!!! Ahem.) And often, I'm quick to jump to worst-case scenarios when a situation seems like it might be a bit dodgy. A dude in a moving van? Clearly, he's looking for girls to make a skin suit out of. A guy dressed in a Santa Suit? Obviously, Silent Night, Deadly Night come to life! Someone who smells like formaldehyde? Well. That's just CAN'T be good. Anyway, it leads me to sometimes, shall we say, jump to conclusions. And by "jump," I mean, "take a huge fucking leap."
Last weekend, I did some stuff around the house and cleaned out my car, which it DESPERATELY NEEDED. OH MY GOD, GROSS. And then I drove out to a shopping center to run some errands. I was listening to music, enjoying the sunny day. And I suddenly heard a...knocking sound on the passenger side of my car.
[knock. knock. knock.]
I turn the music down and listen closer. I don't hear anything. Ok, maybe I kicked up a rock or something. Then a few minutes later, I hear it AGAIN. And it definitely sounds like a KNOCKING. I move my mirrors to check the side of the car...nope. Nothing there. Huh. Ok. I keep driving. I HEAR IT SOME MORE.
[knock. knock. knock.]
Is it the man with the hook for the hand?! Is it a ZOMBIE?! Did I run over a serial killer and now he's going to follow me around wearing a rain coat and wielding an axe?! IS IT A GREMLIN?! HOW MANY MORE HORROR TROPES CAN I IMAGINE HANGING OFF THE SIDE OF MY CAR?! I can't see anything out the window. The car doors are locked. No one driving behind me is frantically signalling to me. It's also BROAD DAYLIGHT. I'm almost to the shopping center. I'm not STOPPING ALONG THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, OK.
[knock. knock. knock.]
I arrive at the shopping center and park my car. I get out sloooowly. I look on the passenger side...
The fucking passenger side seatbelt is hanging out the door. I must have pulled it out when I was cleaning and they don't always go back up the way they're supposed to and then it got pushed out the door. It was banging on the side of the car while I was driving along, making this noise: knock. knock. knock.
I'm a paranoid idiot.
Last weekend, I did some stuff around the house and cleaned out my car, which it DESPERATELY NEEDED. OH MY GOD, GROSS. And then I drove out to a shopping center to run some errands. I was listening to music, enjoying the sunny day. And I suddenly heard a...knocking sound on the passenger side of my car.
[knock. knock. knock.]
I turn the music down and listen closer. I don't hear anything. Ok, maybe I kicked up a rock or something. Then a few minutes later, I hear it AGAIN. And it definitely sounds like a KNOCKING. I move my mirrors to check the side of the car...nope. Nothing there. Huh. Ok. I keep driving. I HEAR IT SOME MORE.
[knock. knock. knock.]
Is it the man with the hook for the hand?! Is it a ZOMBIE?! Did I run over a serial killer and now he's going to follow me around wearing a rain coat and wielding an axe?! IS IT A GREMLIN?! HOW MANY MORE HORROR TROPES CAN I IMAGINE HANGING OFF THE SIDE OF MY CAR?! I can't see anything out the window. The car doors are locked. No one driving behind me is frantically signalling to me. It's also BROAD DAYLIGHT. I'm almost to the shopping center. I'm not STOPPING ALONG THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, OK.
[knock. knock. knock.]
I arrive at the shopping center and park my car. I get out sloooowly. I look on the passenger side...
The fucking passenger side seatbelt is hanging out the door. I must have pulled it out when I was cleaning and they don't always go back up the way they're supposed to and then it got pushed out the door. It was banging on the side of the car while I was driving along, making this noise: knock. knock. knock.
I'm a paranoid idiot.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
FITA Revealed...Or, after 2 years it's about time
Kevin Smith once said that the characters he writes into his stories and scripts are the kinds he wishes he had in the real world: they talk in long soliloquies, and they have a vast knowledge of pop culture. If I were to create the world I wish I lived in, it would be written much like that of the infamous VC Andrews book, Flowers in the Attic. Movements would be “spin around with their legs flashing through a thin negligee.” There would be face-cupping and the swelling of “rigid male sex”. Teenage girls will wish for things like, "Let me have all those swelling curves that men desire." Every breath would be “aghast” and every uncle would be fucking hot.
Wait. Is that weird?
In my world, however, the protagonist wouldn’t be quite so whiney. Catherine Dollanganger (Cathy - the narrator) had a hard life I’ll give her that, but her gratuitous use of the word “daddy” when referencing her father, and her constant complaining about everything anyone does good for her makes me want to Chuck-Norris-Kick her most of the time.
We all know the story: Cathy and her siblings get locked in an attic because her Mother is an fucking retard and presumably doesn’t understand math, so when their father dies she decides to move in with her emotionally and physically abusive, albeit rich, parents.
Wait. Is that weird?
In my world, however, the protagonist wouldn’t be quite so whiney. Catherine Dollanganger (Cathy - the narrator) had a hard life I’ll give her that, but her gratuitous use of the word “daddy” when referencing her father, and her constant complaining about everything anyone does good for her makes me want to Chuck-Norris-Kick her most of the time.
We all know the story: Cathy and her siblings get locked in an attic because her Mother is an fucking retard and presumably doesn’t understand math, so when their father dies she decides to move in with her emotionally and physically abusive, albeit rich, parents.
If I were Cathy and Momma told me of this plan, I would have had the common sense to argue the following points:
- Problem number one: the grandparents live in a house called “Foxworth Hall.” Nothing good has EVER happened in a house with a name that ends in “Hall.” Or “Manor” for that matter. Nothing. Ok, maybe Toad Hall.
- Problem number two: Cathy has NEVER heard of grandparents then all of a sudden they are off to not just visit but live there? Really?
- Problem number three: The kids are told that they have to ‘hide’ in the house because old granddad is sick. Really Mom? Hide in the attic? How ‘bout you just scrub up and start flipping some damn burgers at McDonalds? Oh I get it. You’re too good for that. But you aren’t too good to f your uncle, have his kids, lock them in your parents’ house, and then slowly starve and kill them off? Huh.
Now I understand that Cathy couldn't have foreseen quite all that, but still! -that’s what happens.
Did I mention that the grandmother, Olivia, announces that Cathy's parents, Corrine and Christopher, Sr., were really uncle and niece? Because she did. Then she calls the Cathy and her siblings (older brother Christopher, and the younger twin boy and girl) the "Devil’s Spawn" and pours tar into Cathy’s hair forcing her to cut it short and Christopher, Jr. to pee in it to loosen the tar. Hilarity!
So whatever, they spend a lot of time in the attic that adjoins their room. Now let’s talk about this attic. This attic isn’t like the crouch down split-level attic at my mother, Joan’s, place. No, this attic is an entire floor of treasures! What a happy coincidence, there is a school room up there! That’s not random at all! Oh and there’s a ballet barre, that’s not weird! Boxes of books? Check! Tons of decades old and not expired medical equipment, done! I should note here that I always thought that the attic never sounded so bad, but then again, I’m a homebody by nature. They decorate the attic with paper flowers – hence the name of the book, and Cathy teaches the twins to read and write. They put an old mattress on the roof so they can tan and the twins can get the sunshine they need, and – oh yeah – so Chris and Cathy could totally get it on.
What? The brother and sister? Yes, gentle readers. See, the years pass and Cathy and Chris were teenagers (I don’t think that word ONE is given to how she deals with her womanly curse, but I may be mistaken). Anyway, they begin to develop sexual feelings towards one another. Well, mainly Chris does for Cathy, but she confesses that she would watch him change and even at one point measure his unit. Nice. Chris just loves, loves, loves Cathy but she keeps saying that they must really be the devil’s spawn if they feel this way. That’s right, Cathy, you are!! Long story short, one night he rapes her on the mattress they kept on the roof for sun. It’s not really rape, she is just very conflicted about whether this is what she wants or not.
Shortly thereafter, the mother successfully kills one of Cathy’s younger siblings: a twin named Cory. This makes Carrie (his aforementioned twin sister) go a bit crazy and self destructive. This is the final straw for the threesome who begins to sneak out to steal items they can later pawn. I’ve never understood why they let it go this far.
I lived in a suburb of New Jersey and it felt so much like a deathtrap that I started sneaking out before I knew what to do once I did it. Cathy was literally in a deathtrap and it took her FOUR YEARS before she was like, “You know, we need to bust out.”The book ends with just that. Christopher, Cathy, and Carrie do indeed leave the house, catch a bus and decide to travel to Florida with the money and items they have taken with them. Cory is long dead and buried who knows where, Carrie is all emo and for good reason, Cathy is walking differently thanks to her brother’s “rigid male sex,” and Chris is sporting a Lancelot haircut.
*SIGH* Have I mentioned how much I freakin’ love this book?
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Gifts that Mean "I Know Nothing About You"
I wrote this awhile ago, but for some reason, never published it. I just found it and chuckled. Enjoy.
5. The generic, strange print sweater in XL.
4. A tin of popcorn - usually in three different flavors and available at most 24-hour drug stores and gas stations.
3. A faux book of Lifesavers - because you can never have enough! Oh look, it's shaped like a book so I can store it on a shelf! haHA.
2. A gift card to Blockbuster - for like $5 or $10. When a typical rental is about $12.
1. A Shirly Temple VHS tape -Again, available at most 24-hour drug stores or gas stations.
5. The generic, strange print sweater in XL.
4. A tin of popcorn - usually in three different flavors and available at most 24-hour drug stores and gas stations.
3. A faux book of Lifesavers - because you can never have enough! Oh look, it's shaped like a book so I can store it on a shelf! haHA.
2. A gift card to Blockbuster - for like $5 or $10. When a typical rental is about $12.
1. A Shirly Temple VHS tape -Again, available at most 24-hour drug stores or gas stations.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Movie Review: "Twilight"
Ok, I have now stopped laughing long enough to write my Twilight review. It took awhile. Now, don't get me wrong. I liked the movie. Quite a bit, actually. FAR more than I thought I would. But it was often ridiculous and overwrought, you know, much like teenage romance. I actually think the movie is better than the book. And that almost never happens. I saw the movie with my mom and we both read all four books and enjoyed them, mostly. One of my favorite things to do is to tell unsuspecting people what happens in book four. (You ever see Alien? It's JUST like that! Only not as good! And WAY more gory!) I spent equal time laughing hysterically and leaning forward in my seat making goo-goo eyes at the lovestruck teenagers. It took until halfway through the movie for Mom and I to stop giggling whenever Robert Pattison and his hair came onscreen. (At his first appearance, I cracked up and Mom exclaimed, "His eyebrows are trapezoids!" Don't you wish you'd been sitting behind us?)
Quick and dirty plot synopsis: Seventeen-year-old Bella Swann moves to some rainy town in Washington (Or is it Oregon? Whatever) to live with her dad because, blah, no one cares. She meets some kids at school, including the BEAUTIFUL AND MYSTERIOUS CULLEN FAMILY. All the other Cullen kids are paired up pseudo-incestuously with other Cullens except for the wild-haired Edward. Oh, the Cullens are vampires. SHHHH. It's a (poorly kept) secret! But they're nice vampires, they don't eat people. Only wildlife. Edward totally wants to eat/have awkward sex with Bella. Ah, young love. Bella is down with either because she's stupid. Blah blah blah, longing looks, sparkling, vampire baseball, evil vampire trio, plot, plot, plot, VAMPIRE FIGHT, WRIST-SUCKING, prom, kissing, THE END.
Things I liked:
Also, I may or may not be writing this review under the influence of muscle relaxers. So, you know, keep that in mind. (TEAM JACOB ALL THE WAY, BITCHES!!!)
Quick and dirty plot synopsis: Seventeen-year-old Bella Swann moves to some rainy town in Washington (Or is it Oregon? Whatever) to live with her dad because, blah, no one cares. She meets some kids at school, including the BEAUTIFUL AND MYSTERIOUS CULLEN FAMILY. All the other Cullen kids are paired up pseudo-incestuously with other Cullens except for the wild-haired Edward. Oh, the Cullens are vampires. SHHHH. It's a (poorly kept) secret! But they're nice vampires, they don't eat people. Only wildlife. Edward totally wants to eat/have awkward sex with Bella. Ah, young love. Bella is down with either because she's stupid. Blah blah blah, longing looks, sparkling, vampire baseball, evil vampire trio, plot, plot, plot, VAMPIRE FIGHT, WRIST-SUCKING, prom, kissing, THE END.
Things I liked:
- The script. Given the source material, Twilight has a very good script. It's structured better than the book (I liked how the vampire killings are shown from the beginning of the movie. That way it's not like, "SURPRISE! EVIL VAMPIRE AMBUSH!!" when they appear later.), the characters, particularly Bella's classmates, are better drawn and it had FAR less padding than the book. The novel is at least 100 pages too long. Pages and pages of adolescent whining and repetition.
- The actors. With one notable exception (JASPER!!), all the actors are excellent. They all throw themselves into their roles and inhabit them completely. The vampire family is especially well done, except for one. (JASPER. OH, WE'LL TALK ABOUT HIM LATER)
- The chemistry between Bella and Edward. Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart have SMOKIN' chemistry. Seriously. That kiss? Was very, very hot. You could feel the LONGING. Of course, they can't have sex because Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon, I mean, because Edward could kill Bella if he "loses control." Ah, yes, the demon that is sexuality. SCARY. (It's like in Mallrats when Brodie is wondering if Superman and Lois Lane could have sex because wouldn't his Super Sperm pierce her uterus? Just like that, only more repressed!)
- Everything in Twilight is very pretty to look at. Both the scenery and all the people. You could retitle it Pretty People Posing and Occasionally Hiking in Pretty Woods and Sometimes Talking. A bit wordy, but accurate.
- VAMPIRE FIGHT!!!
- Bella's dad. I didn't find him nearly as touching in the book as I did in the movie. He was really sweet! The actor did a really nice job with such a lightweight role.
- The trio of evil vampires. They were almost actually scary! And oddly hot.
- I liked that the movie does not downplay how fucking creepy Edward is. First, he stares at Bella like she's lunch and then twitches around like a freak. Then he befriends her all weirdly and possessively. Then he offers to kill people for her. (To be fair, they were like, would-be gang rapists, but still) Then he tells her that there's a chance he might kill her. You know, accidentally. Then he admits that he sneaks into her room at night...to watch her sleep. Riiiiight. Romantic! At the very least, the actor playing Edward knows what a stalky creeper he is and plays him accordingly.
- I was amused by the montages of Edward and Bella having deep conversations and seeming to connect on a level other than hormonal/sanguinary. You could never hear what they were talking about which is unfortunate because I can't imagine what a teenage girl and a 150-year-old stalker would talk about. Now we'll never know!
- JASPER. OH MY GOD. What is WRONG with that actor? Was he in a coma? I don't think he made a single facial expression during the entire movie. Every time someone made a comment about how Jasper was feeling or something, I was like, "Um. How can you tell?" Since everyone else in the movie was fine, I'm going to have to chalk his SOCIOPATHICALLY FLAT AFFECT up to bad acting, rather than bad directing. DAMN.
- Robert Pattison's hair. Did his stylist hate him? There's a fine line between "artfully tousled" and "desperately trying to escape the earthly confines of his scalp" and that line is crossed MANY times.
- Bella's narration. UGH. Book-Bella is really fucking annoying. Movie-Bella is less so because we are not in her head. We don't have to listen to her whine about how Edward would never love someone like her and rain sucks and school is stupid and blah blah infinity. But then, pretentious narration!
- And ok, since Bella's classmates are so much more well-written in the movie than in the book, it makes Bella seem like even more of a wet blanket for ditching them for a guy who wants to make a smoothie out of her innards. They're fun, quirky kids who write the school newspaper and hang out in hippied-out vans! Add cigarettes and magnetic locker poetry and that's just like Mame's and my group of friends in high school! But no, Bella is totally bored by them. Of course, Mom pointed out that every girl who is obsessed with her boyfriend totally ditches her friends and acts like that. True, true.
- The stupid thing with Edward catching the apple. That caused me to guffaw so loudly that Mom hissed at me to behave myself. HAHAHAHA.
- THE WRIST-SUCKING. Are you KIDDING me?! Was that supposed to be serious?
- I was disappointed with the sparkling. I expected Edward to be WAY sparklier. I'm assuming the filmmakers were trying to avoid camp, but guys? TOO LATE. This is Twilight; less is NOT more.
- Some of the dialogue was appalling. And most of the real groaners? Came straight from the book. Guys, it was bad enough having to READ that lion/lamb shit, let alone hearing real people actually SAY it.
- My Chemical Romance does not appear on the soundtrack. I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS.
- I still want to send Stephenie Meyer a care package containing copies of The Gift of Fear, Backlash and Reviving Opelia, 'cause damn.
Also, I may or may not be writing this review under the influence of muscle relaxers. So, you know, keep that in mind. (TEAM JACOB ALL THE WAY, BITCHES!!!)
Monday, November 17, 2008
A Brief Note to the Writers of "Heroes..."
Oh, you guys. Your show is so stupid! But hey, give me scenes of Kristen Bell and Zachary Quinto yelling and throwing lightning at each other any old time, okay? Also, if said lightning could blow their clothes off and then they breathe on each other a lot? That's fine too!
No, that really happened. I couldn't make ridiculous shit up like that. I am not a writer for Heroes. But that's why I still watch! Hahahahaha. Oh, Heroes. I could never hate you, hoagie.
P.S. There was also a girl chained to a wall. CHAINED. TO. A. WALL. WHAT? On network television people! Girls in chains! HAHAHAHAHA!
No, that really happened. I couldn't make ridiculous shit up like that. I am not a writer for Heroes. But that's why I still watch! Hahahahaha. Oh, Heroes. I could never hate you, hoagie.
P.S. There was also a girl chained to a wall. CHAINED. TO. A. WALL. WHAT? On network television people! Girls in chains! HAHAHAHAHA!
Three Television (Sort Of) Reviews -- Two Short, One Long (ish)
**Oh, mild spoilers for True Blood and spoilers for season one of Mad Men. Don't say I never warned you. **
I really love True Blood. Like. It's currently my favorite show. Ok, I don't love it more than Supernatural. It's one of those shows that's awesome but when you try to describe it to people, you sound like a moron. Like Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Battlestar Galactica. Or The West Wing. You know? "So yeah, True Blood is about the Louisiana waitress named Sookie -- yes, that's her name -- who can hear people's thoughts. And vampires are real and live amongst humans. But Sookie, she can't hear VAMPIRES' thoughts so she falls in love with this vampire named Bill. And she's a virgin, but they have sex and he totally bites her too. And also, there's a serial killer and shape shifters and werewolves and the Japanese invented a drink called 'True Blood' so vampires don't have to kill people and -- WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!" But seriously, it's so great. Funny and dramatic and well-acted. All the secondary characters are fascinating. I don't want it to end!
I don't care how many teenage girls it spontaneously knocks up, I love Gossip Girl. I am completely unrepentant about this. I love Chuck Bass. I want him to have his own show. I don't care that it's trashy and shallow and it's probably rotting my brain. IT'S FUN.
Ok, so, Mad Men. The show is so good, so well-made, so attentive to detail, magnificently acted, but it makes me feel so BAD. I'm watching season one from Netflix and there's seriously a two-episode limit before I want to kill myself. I just watched "5G," the episode where Don Draper's long-lost baby brother finds him and the poor kid just wants a connection with him and Don basically tells him to fuck off. I wept, ok? I WEPT.
Everyone on the show is SO miserable and trying to force themselves into roles that they don't fit. Except Joan. Joan is not miserable. She is awesome. I adore her interactions with Peggy, who is perhaps the only truly decent character on the show. It's so difficult to like these characters because every one of them has pretty much all the characteristics that would make someone a giant asshole today -- racist, sexist, classist, hypocritical.
I do giggle every time I see that pregnant character smoking and drinking a martini, which would be every time she's onscreen. And I loved when when Betty Draper was driving around with her two small children rolling around the car and climbing over seats. HA! Also, when she visits her shrink, she actually lies on a couch.
And Don Draper. What is his DEAL? Why is he so...so...LIKE THAT? Jon Hamm is great in the role. And handsome. Also great and handsome? John Slattery as Roger. He's such a smartass. I also have affection for him because I saw him be awesome in the play Rabbit Hole a few years ago and he was brilliant and cute. Even from the back row.
So, I like Mad Men a lot, but it makes me very sad. But when that happens, I can just watch clips from when Jon Hamm BRILLIANTLY and HILARIOUSLY hosted Saturday Night Live:
Any thoughts on my favorite shows? Be warned, if you are going to tell me to elevate my sights and stop watching shows about vampires and werewolves and zombies, oh my! I will ignore you. Fair warning.
*"Where are the whores?"
**"Drink and some constantly."
***"Feel like a dummy yet?"
I really love True Blood. Like. It's currently my favorite show. Ok, I don't love it more than Supernatural. It's one of those shows that's awesome but when you try to describe it to people, you sound like a moron. Like Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Battlestar Galactica. Or The West Wing. You know? "So yeah, True Blood is about the Louisiana waitress named Sookie -- yes, that's her name -- who can hear people's thoughts. And vampires are real and live amongst humans. But Sookie, she can't hear VAMPIRES' thoughts so she falls in love with this vampire named Bill. And she's a virgin, but they have sex and he totally bites her too. And also, there's a serial killer and shape shifters and werewolves and the Japanese invented a drink called 'True Blood' so vampires don't have to kill people and -- WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!" But seriously, it's so great. Funny and dramatic and well-acted. All the secondary characters are fascinating. I don't want it to end!
I don't care how many teenage girls it spontaneously knocks up, I love Gossip Girl. I am completely unrepentant about this. I love Chuck Bass. I want him to have his own show. I don't care that it's trashy and shallow and it's probably rotting my brain. IT'S FUN.
Ok, so, Mad Men. The show is so good, so well-made, so attentive to detail, magnificently acted, but it makes me feel so BAD. I'm watching season one from Netflix and there's seriously a two-episode limit before I want to kill myself. I just watched "5G," the episode where Don Draper's long-lost baby brother finds him and the poor kid just wants a connection with him and Don basically tells him to fuck off. I wept, ok? I WEPT.
Everyone on the show is SO miserable and trying to force themselves into roles that they don't fit. Except Joan. Joan is not miserable. She is awesome. I adore her interactions with Peggy, who is perhaps the only truly decent character on the show. It's so difficult to like these characters because every one of them has pretty much all the characteristics that would make someone a giant asshole today -- racist, sexist, classist, hypocritical.
I do giggle every time I see that pregnant character smoking and drinking a martini, which would be every time she's onscreen. And I loved when when Betty Draper was driving around with her two small children rolling around the car and climbing over seats. HA! Also, when she visits her shrink, she actually lies on a couch.
And Don Draper. What is his DEAL? Why is he so...so...LIKE THAT? Jon Hamm is great in the role. And handsome. Also great and handsome? John Slattery as Roger. He's such a smartass. I also have affection for him because I saw him be awesome in the play Rabbit Hole a few years ago and he was brilliant and cute. Even from the back row.
So, I like Mad Men a lot, but it makes me very sad. But when that happens, I can just watch clips from when Jon Hamm BRILLIANTLY and HILARIOUSLY hosted Saturday Night Live:
Any thoughts on my favorite shows? Be warned, if you are going to tell me to elevate my sights and stop watching shows about vampires and werewolves and zombies, oh my! I will ignore you. Fair warning.
*"Where are the whores?"
**"Drink and some constantly."
***"Feel like a dummy yet?"
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
This American Zzzzzzzzzzzz...
Ok, NPR junkie over here, right? My favorite podcast is This American Life. I have such a crush on Ira Glass, you guys. (Ira! Call me! We have so much in common! I have nerdy glasses too! We could be SOUL MATES!) Frequently, the show makes me cry. Like last week's segment about the daughter who went to prison to be with her mom, who was serving time for murder. (No, Mom. I'm not going to go to prison if you should ever go. I don't CARE if that makes me a bad daughter, ok? I have a delicate constitution!) Anyway, I love it a lot. So, this week's show is titled "Another Frightening Show About The Economy." I was excited to listen to it so maybe I could finally understand what's going on. I had a lot of data entry-type stuff to do at work that requires approximately 1/4 of my brain, so perfect timing, right?
Oh my GOD, YOU GUYS. I almost fell asleep! Not even the This American Life staff could make that stuff REMOTELY interesting to me. Except for vague feelings of impotent anger that I occasionally felt a twinge of, I WAS SO BORED.
Ugh, maybe if someone could explain it with songs and dance sequences? I feel really stupid right now...
Oh my GOD, YOU GUYS. I almost fell asleep! Not even the This American Life staff could make that stuff REMOTELY interesting to me. Except for vague feelings of impotent anger that I occasionally felt a twinge of, I WAS SO BORED.
Ugh, maybe if someone could explain it with songs and dance sequences? I feel really stupid right now...
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Book Review (Sort Of): Breaking Dawn
AHAHAHAHAH! Ok, wait...HAAAAAAAAAAA. No, I'm ready now...HA HA HA!! Ok, sorry. I just...haven't stopped cracking up about Breaking Dawn, the latest in the Twilight SAGA.
I'm not actually going to write a whole review, because seriously. It's a teeny-bopper vampire romance novel. I should be ashamed of reading them, but I'm totally not. I picked up Twilight a couple of years ago to take to the shore for what ended up being the Best Vacation Ever. My mom and I went to the shore for a week and walked on the beach and read a huge stack of books and watched British television shows. And went out for seafood. Seriously, that was it. It ruled. So, anyway, I ate that book up like it was cake. Bella, our clumsy, AVERAGE heroine draws the attention of a sparkly vampire with a conscience, Edward. Yes, you heard me. Sparkly. Blah, blah, other vampires try to kill her, there's werewolves (who are the sworn enemy of vampires!), Edward leaves Bella so he won't eat her, comes back to her, more vampires try to kill all of them, blah, blah. I got my mom hooked on them and my boss. Heh, I'm a TOTAL enabler. (I tried to get EGT hooked but it didn't take or something. Apparently, she has taste. Whatever.)
So, we went to the midnight release of the newest novel, Breaking Dawn last week. You may remember my past success with midnight book releases and this was no different. I am FAR less invested in the Twilight series than I was in the Harry Potter* series, so I had more fun mocking the participants, which were most adolescent girls. We had a front row seat for a t-shirt contest that ended in tears and squealing. It was amazing.
The book itself? Eh. It had angsty, marital sex with vampires (because PREMARITAL SEX with the undead would be WRONG, OK), more gore than I'd been prepared to expect and and annoying ending. Ugh, Bella sucks.
But I HIGHLY recommend reading them so that we can all mock them and then get drunk and go see the movie and MOCK SOME MORE. COME ON!
*They do NOT compare. The Twilight series is nowhere NEAR as good as the Harry Potter series. And Stephenie Meyer is NO J.K. Rowling. No, really. Don't compare them.
I'm not actually going to write a whole review, because seriously. It's a teeny-bopper vampire romance novel. I should be ashamed of reading them, but I'm totally not. I picked up Twilight a couple of years ago to take to the shore for what ended up being the Best Vacation Ever. My mom and I went to the shore for a week and walked on the beach and read a huge stack of books and watched British television shows. And went out for seafood. Seriously, that was it. It ruled. So, anyway, I ate that book up like it was cake. Bella, our clumsy, AVERAGE heroine draws the attention of a sparkly vampire with a conscience, Edward. Yes, you heard me. Sparkly. Blah, blah, other vampires try to kill her, there's werewolves (who are the sworn enemy of vampires!), Edward leaves Bella so he won't eat her, comes back to her, more vampires try to kill all of them, blah, blah. I got my mom hooked on them and my boss. Heh, I'm a TOTAL enabler. (I tried to get EGT hooked but it didn't take or something. Apparently, she has taste. Whatever.)
So, we went to the midnight release of the newest novel, Breaking Dawn last week. You may remember my past success with midnight book releases and this was no different. I am FAR less invested in the Twilight series than I was in the Harry Potter* series, so I had more fun mocking the participants, which were most adolescent girls. We had a front row seat for a t-shirt contest that ended in tears and squealing. It was amazing.
The book itself? Eh. It had angsty, marital sex with vampires (because PREMARITAL SEX with the undead would be WRONG, OK), more gore than I'd been prepared to expect and and annoying ending. Ugh, Bella sucks.
But I HIGHLY recommend reading them so that we can all mock them and then get drunk and go see the movie and MOCK SOME MORE. COME ON!
*They do NOT compare. The Twilight series is nowhere NEAR as good as the Harry Potter series. And Stephenie Meyer is NO J.K. Rowling. No, really. Don't compare them.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Steps: 5, Bea: 0
Yeah, so, I fell down the steps again today. No, I didn't really hurt myself this time, just wrenched my shoulder and back. And earned the mockery of my friends and family.
Both EGT and my mother compared me to Bella Swan, the clumsy "heroine" of the Twilight series. Gee, "thanks."
Thus far, my clumsiness has NOT earned me a hot, undead boyfriend, so THERE. Wait a minute...
Both EGT and my mother compared me to Bella Swan, the clumsy "heroine" of the Twilight series. Gee, "thanks."
Thus far, my clumsiness has NOT earned me a hot, undead boyfriend, so THERE. Wait a minute...
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
My Horrible Morning...or "Already?!"
If you look at the time/date stamp on this post you will notice that it is 9:27 AM on Tuesday (or thereabouts because of how long it's going to take me to rant and rave about this). Every day I take the highway to work - it's fast and efficient; however, today I decided to take the back road so that I could stop at McDonalds for a sweet tea and parfait (shut up). I'm cruising along, laughing to my morning radio show when I notice the familiar blue lights behind me. It has been a long time since I've been pulled over, so I paniked and pulled over. The police officer was on a motorcycle and was SO NICE. I handed him a handful of papers that included my registration, my license, my insurance cards, my old registration, my old insurance cards, my employee ID, and apparently some reciepts. He laughed and said, "You don't get pulled over much do you? That's a good thing. Don't worry about it, I'll sort through all this." As I apologized and tried to take the stack of goods back.
He explained that they are trying to crack down on speeders in a rural area because they've had some neighborhoods complain. MY NEIGHBORHOOD WAS THE ONE TO COMPLAIN!! I *practically* SPEARHEADED THAT CAMPAIGN!! Beau and I are always complaining about speeders in that area, and I'm the one that gets caught! Whatev. He was very nice and gave me a ticket and alluded to the fact that someone at my workplace might be able to help me out *wink*wink* He praised me on my clean record and that I could always ask for a 'prayer of judgement' and the court would give it to me no problem. Basically, it means that I won't get a ticket again for two years or else I will pay for that ticket AND this one AND any interest, etc. I'll see what I can do about that.
Then I get to work, late. Whatever it's excused because I show them my ticket. I get laughed at. Screw you. I get to my room, log on to the computer and get set up for the day. When I check my email I notice that I have a message to fill out a survey for my exit interview with the county. Whaaa? In case you didn't know, I am leaving my current post as head guard, I mean teacher of innercity youth and transferring to a new post of an actual TEACHER. I'm not leaving the county, I'm just transferring to a new school. It's going to be the same employer. So I call the person who sent me the email and she says, "Oh, did you fill out form E44 by accident?" I tell her that no, I did not fill out any forms except for the transfer form that was approved of by my boss and my new boss. She says, "Huh, I wonder why you got that email then? It's just computer generated." I tell her that makes me nervous, that the computer thinks I am resigning. She replys with, "Yeah, that is weird. Let me check on it and I'll get back to you. What's your name again?" She could care less. I give her my name and after a few minutes of back and forth between how to spell my name and which of the two people with my last name I am exactly, she hangs up. I email my new boss and his assistant, assuring them that I am still gung-ho for my new position, but I recieved this weird email and yadda yadda yadda.
Now I'm sitting here sweating and still paniking. I've got a nervous twitch about my future job, a speeding ticket in my back pocket, and I never got my sweet tea!!! I'm loosing my damn mind.
He explained that they are trying to crack down on speeders in a rural area because they've had some neighborhoods complain. MY NEIGHBORHOOD WAS THE ONE TO COMPLAIN!! I *practically* SPEARHEADED THAT CAMPAIGN!! Beau and I are always complaining about speeders in that area, and I'm the one that gets caught! Whatev. He was very nice and gave me a ticket and alluded to the fact that someone at my workplace might be able to help me out *wink*wink* He praised me on my clean record and that I could always ask for a 'prayer of judgement' and the court would give it to me no problem. Basically, it means that I won't get a ticket again for two years or else I will pay for that ticket AND this one AND any interest, etc. I'll see what I can do about that.
Then I get to work, late. Whatever it's excused because I show them my ticket. I get laughed at. Screw you. I get to my room, log on to the computer and get set up for the day. When I check my email I notice that I have a message to fill out a survey for my exit interview with the county. Whaaa? In case you didn't know, I am leaving my current post as head guard, I mean teacher of innercity youth and transferring to a new post of an actual TEACHER. I'm not leaving the county, I'm just transferring to a new school. It's going to be the same employer. So I call the person who sent me the email and she says, "Oh, did you fill out form E44 by accident?" I tell her that no, I did not fill out any forms except for the transfer form that was approved of by my boss and my new boss. She says, "Huh, I wonder why you got that email then? It's just computer generated." I tell her that makes me nervous, that the computer thinks I am resigning. She replys with, "Yeah, that is weird. Let me check on it and I'll get back to you. What's your name again?" She could care less. I give her my name and after a few minutes of back and forth between how to spell my name and which of the two people with my last name I am exactly, she hangs up. I email my new boss and his assistant, assuring them that I am still gung-ho for my new position, but I recieved this weird email and yadda yadda yadda.
Now I'm sitting here sweating and still paniking. I've got a nervous twitch about my future job, a speeding ticket in my back pocket, and I never got my sweet tea!!! I'm loosing my damn mind.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
In Which Bea and Homer Adopt Some Emo Kids and Everyone Rocks Out
So, how was your day yesterday? Good? Oh, that's nice. Mine? Oh, nothing special...I JUST WENT TO SEE MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. NO BIG DEAL OR ANYTHING. Ahem. Sorry.
It was a GREAT show! We stood in a HUGE line with tons of black-eye-makeup-and -homemade-t-shirt-wearing teenagers and their parents. Heh. I talked to Mame on the phone and we called each other names for awhile, which is par for the course, really. (She's a total bitch. SHE KNOWS WHY.) Then we went into the venue! I got a t-shirt! Sadly, I did not get the "Mikey Fuckin Way" one, which I did kind of want because, dude, that's hilarious. But where would I wear it? Well, I COULD sleep in it and wear it to drive my grandmother crazy. Oh well. Maybe next time.
Then the show started! The opening band, Drive By, was really good. It's guitar-heavy alternative rock, sort of like Switchfoot or Lifehouse. Maybe a little heavier. Good stuff, not as punky or dramatic as My Chemical Romance. They were sort of amusing in that the lead singer announced their name between every song and felt the need to assure the audience that MCR was COMING UP NEXT. I PROMISE, OK? Maybe he was getting threats from the skinny kids in the front row, I don't know. But it made me giggle.
THEN. The lights go down and a band comes out, wearing creepy masks. Ugh. I HATE creepy masks. I nearly went into hysterics watching the preview for The Strangers. Luckily, the band whips them off and throws them into the crowd. Um. Ok, I may not be an expert, but I'm pretty sure that is NOT My Chemical Romance. I spend the first three songs in utter confusion, until I turn to ask the girl behind me who is SINGING THE LYRICS who the HELL is on the stage. She looks at me in surprise, "Oh, It's Taking Back Sunday!" Oh. Ok. That's great, an extra performance! A surprise! Awesome! Except. I um, really don't like Taking Back Sunday. Sorry! They gave a good show and were clearly having a great time and it was a really cool thing but, yeah.
FINALLY, My Chemical Romance come out onstage and the crowd. Goes. Insane. Heh. I was expecting this of course, but seeing it was something else. (Also, I had a really good view. I'm a lousy judge of distances, but I could see facial expressions!) You guys? It's like they had a MEETING to discuss How Best to Provide a Good Concert Experience for Bea. They played all my favorite songs! Gerard, the lead singer, was hilarious and insane. And MAN, does he swear a lot. Heh. They are totally hot in person! You know, from 100 feet away. There were shout-outs to New Jersey!
The opening song? "Give 'Em Hell, Kid." I really like that song! I have a thing about the opening song for concerts. It sets the whole tone of the show! I always try to guess it and I'm almost always wrong. (Hey Lilith, remember when we took bets on the opening song for that Tori Amos concert we went to? You guessed "Jackie's Strength and I guessed "Spark" and she BLEW OUR MINDS with "Precious Things?" AWESOME. God, I am such a dork. I really love concerts!) They were just awesome! They played "My Way Home Is Through You," which is a b-side that I've never heard all the way through! They played "Famous Last Words" and "Thank You For The Venom," which are my very favorites! They played "Teenagers," which Homer likes! They finished with "Helena!"
There were three teenagers in front of me who were HILARIOUS. They sang and danced and jumped, threw pointy little elbows (one of which hit me in the chest) and ACTED OUT THE VIDEOS. I thought they were going to pass out at one point! Overall, the crowd was really fun and everyone seemed to have a great time. (Except for you, tall music snob guys who wedged yourselves in front of me. Fuck you.)
So, this morning, I'm a little scratchy. I can't get all of this eyeliner off. I have unexplained bruises and my back is reminding me that I am not 16 years old and would like a little advance notice for the next time I am going to spend five hours dancing, thrashing and bouncing.
I would go see them again in a heartbeat.
P.S. JOSIE! I wish you could have come with me! I MISS YOU.
P.S.2 Mame. Oh, my dear Mame. THESE CHOCOLATE PRETZELS ARE DELICIOUS. No matter how you try to fuck up my shit, I STILL WIN. Because of the pretzels. Bwa ha ha ha.
It was a GREAT show! We stood in a HUGE line with tons of black-eye-makeup-and -homemade-t-shirt-wearing teenagers and their parents. Heh. I talked to Mame on the phone and we called each other names for awhile, which is par for the course, really. (She's a total bitch. SHE KNOWS WHY.) Then we went into the venue! I got a t-shirt! Sadly, I did not get the "Mikey Fuckin Way" one, which I did kind of want because, dude, that's hilarious. But where would I wear it? Well, I COULD sleep in it and wear it to drive my grandmother crazy. Oh well. Maybe next time.
Then the show started! The opening band, Drive By, was really good. It's guitar-heavy alternative rock, sort of like Switchfoot or Lifehouse. Maybe a little heavier. Good stuff, not as punky or dramatic as My Chemical Romance. They were sort of amusing in that the lead singer announced their name between every song and felt the need to assure the audience that MCR was COMING UP NEXT. I PROMISE, OK? Maybe he was getting threats from the skinny kids in the front row, I don't know. But it made me giggle.
THEN. The lights go down and a band comes out, wearing creepy masks. Ugh. I HATE creepy masks. I nearly went into hysterics watching the preview for The Strangers. Luckily, the band whips them off and throws them into the crowd. Um. Ok, I may not be an expert, but I'm pretty sure that is NOT My Chemical Romance. I spend the first three songs in utter confusion, until I turn to ask the girl behind me who is SINGING THE LYRICS who the HELL is on the stage. She looks at me in surprise, "Oh, It's Taking Back Sunday!" Oh. Ok. That's great, an extra performance! A surprise! Awesome! Except. I um, really don't like Taking Back Sunday. Sorry! They gave a good show and were clearly having a great time and it was a really cool thing but, yeah.
FINALLY, My Chemical Romance come out onstage and the crowd. Goes. Insane. Heh. I was expecting this of course, but seeing it was something else. (Also, I had a really good view. I'm a lousy judge of distances, but I could see facial expressions!) You guys? It's like they had a MEETING to discuss How Best to Provide a Good Concert Experience for Bea. They played all my favorite songs! Gerard, the lead singer, was hilarious and insane. And MAN, does he swear a lot. Heh. They are totally hot in person! You know, from 100 feet away. There were shout-outs to New Jersey!
The opening song? "Give 'Em Hell, Kid." I really like that song! I have a thing about the opening song for concerts. It sets the whole tone of the show! I always try to guess it and I'm almost always wrong. (Hey Lilith, remember when we took bets on the opening song for that Tori Amos concert we went to? You guessed "Jackie's Strength and I guessed "Spark" and she BLEW OUR MINDS with "Precious Things?" AWESOME. God, I am such a dork. I really love concerts!) They were just awesome! They played "My Way Home Is Through You," which is a b-side that I've never heard all the way through! They played "Famous Last Words" and "Thank You For The Venom," which are my very favorites! They played "Teenagers," which Homer likes! They finished with "Helena!"
There were three teenagers in front of me who were HILARIOUS. They sang and danced and jumped, threw pointy little elbows (one of which hit me in the chest) and ACTED OUT THE VIDEOS. I thought they were going to pass out at one point! Overall, the crowd was really fun and everyone seemed to have a great time. (Except for you, tall music snob guys who wedged yourselves in front of me. Fuck you.)
So, this morning, I'm a little scratchy. I can't get all of this eyeliner off. I have unexplained bruises and my back is reminding me that I am not 16 years old and would like a little advance notice for the next time I am going to spend five hours dancing, thrashing and bouncing.
I would go see them again in a heartbeat.
P.S. JOSIE! I wish you could have come with me! I MISS YOU.
P.S.2 Mame. Oh, my dear Mame. THESE CHOCOLATE PRETZELS ARE DELICIOUS. No matter how you try to fuck up my shit, I STILL WIN. Because of the pretzels. Bwa ha ha ha.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Danielle Steele Hearts The Nazis
I wish that the title of this weren't true; alas, it is. The "proof is in the pudding" as they say. In the next two blogs bea and myself will be writing book reviews of two of Ms. Steele's most famous books, Jewels and The Ring both of which involve a steamy love affair with an affluent Nazi. Seriously. Why doesn't she just title one of her books Mein Kampf and get it over with? Anyway.
Enjoy the next two blogs as soon as they are put up.
Enjoy the next two blogs as soon as they are put up.
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