What is WRONG with me?!

Today I gave my coworker Corey a tutorial of which Jonas brother is which and how old they are. While holding up the copy of Seventeen* magazine that features them on the cover.

I...WHY DO I KNOW THIS? WHYYYYYYY?!?!? I feel like I can somehow blame Perez Hilton for this.

I feel sure of it.

*We get it at the office. I don't have a subscription, I swear. Seventeen used to be a great magazine for teenage girls. You know, back when I was a teenager. I remember they used to have great articles about things like abortion rights, sexual harassment and drugs. They used to have that great "Sex and Your Body" column. Yeah, not so much anymore. It's all Jonas brothers and makeup tips. And New and Different Ways to Hate Your Body. Sorry, current teenage girls. Sucks to be you.

Movie Review: "Disturbia" and "Waitress"

I know, two movies in a row, right? It seems like I don't go to the movies for months and then hit it two weeks in a row. Anyway. While visiting family last weekend, a bunch of us went to see Disturbia. I was curious about it for a few reasons. One: It was the #1 movie for like, three weeks, which was odd to me because it didn't seem like your usual summer, blow-shit-up blockbuster. Two: I really like David Morse. Three: I've been kind of following Shia LeBeouf's career because I'm always interested when former child stars try to move onto grown-up movie roles. Sometimes it goes well and you're Joseph Gordon-Levitt (DUDE. Have you seen this guy? The kid from Third Rock From the Sun? He's a terrific actor. Check him out in Brick, Manic and if you have a strong stomach, Mysterious Skin. You won't be sorry.) and other times you're The Olsen twins or our beloved, tragic Jonathan Brandis. But I've been pulling for little Shia because I think he's talented and I loved him in Holes which is the best kid's movie with a porno title ever. So, with those reasons, I wanted to see Disturbia.

So, off we go, my mom, my uncle Claudius, my aunt Tia and my partner-in-crime cousin, Brianna. Bri had seen the movie already, but liked it enough to see it again and also wanted to laugh at me as I jump and squeak at the scary parts. (I am very twitchy and startle easily; if there's a movie or show with something jumping out at you or whatever, I will jump and screech. I've even done this while reading books. Yeah. I embarassed the HELL out of myself during The Grudge.) So, little Shia plays a kid with a semi-tragic past who gets into some legal trouble and goes under house arrest. During his iTunes-free imprisonment, he starts reenacting Rear Window and thinking his neighbor is a murderer. It's a fun, twisty little movie that makes good use of technology like cell phones and digital cameras. The performances are good, especially little Shia and Morse, who brings the right amount of menace wrapped in kindliness. Also fun is Aaron Yoo, who plays our protaganist's wacky best friend. And finally, I forgot to mention, little Shia's character's name is Kale, for God's sake. KALE. Come on, screenwriters, enough with the stupid names. Isn't that a vegetable or something? Whatever.

And now we move onto Waitress. We tried to go see it last night, but the damn thing was SOLD OUT. SOLD OUT, people. Which, of course, just made me want to see it more. We finally got to see it today. You guys, it's a SUPER CUTE MOVIE. Keri Russell (who I love and will carry on more about later) plays Jenna, a waitress who gets knocked up by her abusive husband played by Jeremy Sisto (who will forever be Brenda's crazy brother Billy from Six Feet Under.). She works in a diner and makes all kinds of crazy pies. Let me tell you, you will want pie when you leave this movie. Waitress is cute and funny and borderline annoyingly quirky, but has enough real heart and sweetness to make up for that.

Adrienne Shelly wrote, directed and starred as one of Jenna's waitress friends. Shelly was murdered in November of 2006, shortly before the movie came out. Besides the obvious tragedy of it, it's a real shame that this is her last film. She was very talented and I would have loved to see more of her work. Wonderful work here by Russell, whom I've loved since Felicity. (I also lovedlovedloved her in Mission Impossible III. I know, I know, hear me out. I loathe the Cruise as much as you do. But MI3 is good stuff. And there is this KICK ASS scene where Cruise tosses Russell's newbie spy Lyndsey a gun and she catches it, doesn't miss a beat and swings it around and starting picking off bad guys. AWESOME. I have a weakness for kickass-girl moments. Sue me.) Also, Nathan Fillion plays the cute obstetrician that Jenna has an affair with. Their relation is totally cute and atypical and Fillion does an awesome job of being not-quite perfect, but pretty damn close. I've had a soft spot for Nathan Fillion since Firefly and he was one of the few bright spots of Buffy the Vampire Slayer's excreble 7th season. (Nope, not letting that go ANYTIME soon.) Andy Griffith turns up as an old curmudgeon who gets all the best lines. Gotta love old Andy. Seriously, you guys. Go see Waitress. It's really good and a memorable last film from a talented filmmaker. Plus, you'll probably have to go to your local artsy movie theater to see it and you can have fun mocking all the yuppies, just like we did. Heh.

Celebrity Boyfriends II: The Dorkening

So, after reading Mame's awesome post on celebrity boyfriends, (of which I have many!) I just had to share some of our recent adventures on the Internets. Way back over the summer, Mame introduced me to an exciting show called Dog the Bounty Hunter. Dog is, clearly, a bounty hunter and he and his excessively-mammaried, but sassy wife Beth, best friend Tim, (I refuse to acknowledge his gross nickname) and two hot sons Leland and Duane Lee, catch bad guys and are fabulous in a totally trashy way that Mame and I very much appreciate. Mame is totally in love with Leland. And there is a sad paucity of good pictures of this very attractive young man online (Someone get on that, would you? Mame could probably use a new screensaver!) and I thought to try and find some for her. Being such an awesome friend and TOTAL enabler and all. So, I scamper over to our favorite website featuring silly videos, sure that there's a beefcakey photo shoot to be had or something. And...JACKPOT! I find a slideshow of pictures of Leland and IM it to her. Then, over the phone the next day, we have the following conversation:

Bea: So, did you get the IM I sent you last night? Of those pictures of Leland? [giggling.] I'M AWESOME!
Mame: [somewhat uncomfortable pause.] Yyyyyyeah. I...did. Did you happen to notice the music that was playing during that slide show?
Bea: No, I didn't. There was music? You know I always have my computer on mute. I hate all those little clicks and whirs and crap.
Mame: Yeah, that's what I thought. You...need to go watch it with the sound turned on.
Bea: ...
Mame: Call me after you do. [hangs up.]

So I do. And the song? Monica's "Angel of Mine." Yeah. Not a bad song or anything. Just kind of...creepy in this particular context. Especially after I looked up the lyrics and get to the part about "the love we make." EW! EWWWWW!!!!!! I call Mame straight away.

Bea: EW! EWWWWW!
Mame: I know, sugar. I know.
Bea: I am SO sorry! I...I...
Mame: It's fine. Pixie dust, pixie dust...

So, I'm tooling around the Internets other night, possibly looking for stuff about Jensen Ackles.* POSSIBLY. But maybe I was looking for something SMART. Something with INTELLIGENCE. Like...like...oh, shut up. And what to my wondering eyes should appear? A slideshow of pictures of the ridiculously beautiful Mr. Ackles set to..."Angel of Mine." AWESOME! I IM it to Mame and go on with my evening. The next day...

Mame: Dude.
Bea: I know. I KNOW.
Mame: What is WITH this song? Why?
Bea: No idea. But I'm betting that there's one of these for every heartthrob out there. We must find them all.
Mame: YES! We must collect the entire set!
Bea: I'm so finding the one with Chad Michael Murray...
Mame: Ew, you do that. I wonder how many there are of Jonathan Brandis...
Bea: Oh, MAN. Talk about a can of worms right THERE.

The nextest day...Mame sends me one of our dearly departed, much-lamented Jonathan Brandis set to...a Selena song. I don't know which one. The one that got radio play, I guess. Because I recognized it. The one with the endearments in Spanish in the middle. Something about mi corazon. Hee. OH, IT'S ON. IT IS SO ON.

*Just to clarify...we aren't looking for dirty pictures or videos. Fine if that's what you're into, just not our thing. Not after the "Leonardo DiCaprio Debacle" so many years ago. [SHUDDER.] I can NEVER be sorry enough about that. NEVER.

Celebrity Boyfriends…or why most people are amazed to find out I am married.

I love John Travolta. Honestly. I have since he was Vinnie Bobarino in Welcome Back Kotter. This is the first in a line of many, many celebrities that I have pictured marrying and having a life with although the very first was John Travolta, an obsession that lasts even to this day. My husband knows that I would drop him in a hot minute if Travolta showed up at my door.

My second love died; Jonathan Brandis was a god in my world from about 13 until - - well let’s just say well beyond the ‘normal’ age of realizing that you’re too old for a celebrity boyfriend. At 14 I had my first real life boyfriend (aw, “big lips boy”) but Jonathan remained plastered on my walls and heart. At 16, my brother-in-law made fun of me for having so many pictures up of ‘the guy from SeaQuest DSV, so I took them down – and put them on the inside of my closet.
Lady Bea and I have long winded conversations about “what things would be like” were we to marry/be with one of our many loves. It’s never sexual in nature, just living with these people and (at times) being their ‘voice of reason.’

Here is an example of a typical conversation:

Mame: Alec [Baldwin] and I are no longer talking.
Bea: Because of this whole voicemail thing?
Mame: No, I knew he was crazy when we first fell in love.
Bea: Oh, because of the whole wanting-to-leave-30 Rock thing.
Mame: Exactly.
Bea: I’m glad that you knew he was crazy to begin with. But I’d be afraid of Kim, that was a messy divorce, she might come after you.
Mame: I’m not worried. I’ll sit my ass down behind the bulletproof glass of the bay window at the front our house drinking martinis while Kim throws a fit in the driveway because I can love Alec in a way that she couldn’t.
Bea: Haha. Wait, why is there bulletproof glass in your and Alec’s home?
Mame: Because I think he and I would have some terrific fights.
Bea: Way to think ahead.

Here is a (to date) list of celebrities that I fantasize having a life with:

1. John Travolta
2. Alec Baldwin
3. Leland Chapman (the son of Dog the Bounty Hunter. The one with the long hair, good GOD he is adorable)
4. Luke Wilson (the one without the f’ed up nose)
5. Jake Gyllenhall
6. Orlando Bloom (but only with the blond wig from Lord of the Rings)
7. Jonathan Brandis (I don’t care if he’s dead now, I could have saved him dammit!)
8. Chris Farley (see above)
9. Rudolph Valentino (good God, his acting, his EYES…dude…)
10. Jay Mewes (of Jay and Silent Bob fame)

OOOLLLLDDDD!!!

Today I have realized just how old I really am. I probably should have realized this a myriad of times before (like when I graduated college, got married, or had a baby, but whatever); however, I am realizing it hard now.
As I’ve mentioned before, I am a teacher. I relate my students to caged doves on top of a ghetto rooftop and it’s my job to release them (well, my job or Samuel L. Jackson’s, whoever gets to them first). All in all, they are sweet kids who have had a rough start in life. They are adorable, silly, quick-tempered, and, in fact, do not know better. They spend ninety minutes a day with me from August to May so around this time of year the anger I had at their sometimes-intolerable immaturity has all but melted away. I am currently updating their personnel files and I’ve realized that they were born in…1991.
1991!! That was the year I discovered grunge rock, flannel shirts, and the one and only love of my preteen life, Jonathan Brandis. The same year that my now sixteen-year-old students were arriving on this earth, I was taking down my NKOTB posters and cutting up Teen Beat magazines. SIXTEEN YEARS!!!! I still remember every word to Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy” and Jonathan Brandis’s famed movie, Lady Bugs. Now, Jonathan Brandis has long since passed away (Bea and I cross ourselves), Pearl Jam hasn’t released a decent album since Viatology, and Teen Beat is now covered with pictures of Nick Lachey and the like. What on earth has happened to my world?