An Open Letter To Certain Male Geeks

Greetings, geeks! My name is Bea. I'm (as of last week-ish) 32 years old. I'm a college graduate. I work in social services. I bake. I knit. I read (a lot). I vote Democrat. I occasionally sparkle. I enjoy the works of Jane Austen, thunderstorms, the Oxford comma, and the laughter of children.

Oh, I'm also a geek. I've been a geek since I was a tiny little girl and I had a Dune coloring book. This Dune coloring book, actually. I also had a glow-in-the-dark He-Man sword when I was itty-bitty that I had to take in the bathroom to watch glow because I was never awake when it was dark outside. Because I was four. Later, I was a huge She-Ra fan and literally subscribed to her newsletter. I loved Star Wars, Blade Runner, The Terminator, Wonder Woman, The Incredible Hulk, The V miniseries (both of them!), Legend, The Dark Crystal, The NeverEnding Story, Dune (the Lynch version, NEVER the Sci-Fi version, though that was much later), Labyrinth, and Conan the Barbarian. The 80s were fun, weren't they?

I was a gamer girl in the late 80s and early 90s. Look. You think it's tough being a gamer girl now? (It is, I'm sure.) Try it then. I was LITERALLY the only girl I knew who played video games. Ever. I don't play anymore but I can still fuck you up at Super Mario Bros. 1-3. My parents took me and my brother to a Nintendo Convention in Valley Forge, PA as a birthday gift. I'm guessing it was 1990 or 1991. Whatever year Super Mario Bros. 3 came out. I remember because I smoked some dude at a demo of the game. He clearly wasn't expecting that from a little girl. It was AWESOME.

I've watched The X-Files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, Battlestar Galactica, Doctor Who, Space: Above and Beyond, VR-5, Harsh Realm, Dead at 21, Love and Curses, Forever Knight, Beauty and the Beast, Dark Shadows (the old 60s soap AND the early 90s remake), Mystery Science Theater 3000, Twin Peaks, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Farscape, The Twilight Zone, The Outer Limits, Heroes, Roar, Dark Angel, Supernatural, Fringe, Roswell, Alias, Earth 2, Dark Skies, Millennium, Kindred: The Embraced, and SeaQuest DSV.

I've read Heinlein and Herbert. I've read all the Lord of the Rings books. I own the extended editions of all the movies AND the Trivial Pursuit game.

Sorsha and I have a zombie apocalypse plan and seriously. It's awesome. It's getting better by the day.

I read comic books. I go to cons. Got my picture taken with Michael Berryman. I saw The Dark Knight in the theater four times. I have the Iron Man Mr. Potato Head, Tony Starch sitting on top of my television. I have a Matchbox-sized replica of the Metallicar on my desk. My mousepad features a kingly Aragorn. I'm currently knitting a Gryffindor scarf.

As you can see from the above exhaustive list, I will watch/read/consume ANYTHING sci-fi/horror/fantasy-related. Regardless of quality as you can also see from the above list. Heh. I can authoritatively nerd out on a variety of subjects. And I do. Often. And I do all of these things despite the INCREDIBLE HANDICAP OF A PAIR OF BREASTS. SHOCKING, RIGHT?!

But seriously, you guys. (And not ALL geek guys, of course.) Can you please stop acting like you own the field of geekery all on your own? Aren't we past this? Seriously? Are we really still OMG STUNNED when a woman enjoys nerdy pursuits? I don't do these things because my boyfriend reads comics and I want him to like me.

For example, I listen to The Nerdist podcast every week. Twice a week if it's on twice. I love it. It's awesome. It's my favorite podcast. I love Chris Hardwick. He's hilarious. But Chris. Dude. I AM NOT THE ONLY WOMAN WHO LISTENS TO YOUR SHOW. THERE ARE FEMALE GEEKS. IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, YOU'RE DATING ONE. So why do you keep making comments about how no women listen to your show or how your nerdiness is losing you female viewers. Um. We do and it's not. KNOCK IT OFF. My ovaries do not "dry up" when James Gunn and Jonah Ray get into a nerd fight over whether or not 28 Days Later qualifies as a zombie film. That was AWESOME. (My opinion: it does count as a zombie movie.)

I was listening today to a review of the Game of Thrones miniseries. (3 days, you guys!!!!) And the reviewer made a comment about it possibly being a turn-off for women because it's all male-dominated, bloody and full of ultra-violence. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Because Dany and Arya and Catelyn and Sansa are just standing around, looking pretty. (Well, ok, Sansa is.) Because women can't stand watching male characters. (If we felt that way, we wouldn't watch anything, ever.) Because women don't like to watch dudes with swords fuck shit up. Especially because women don't enjoy a complex, well-told story. Mmm-hmmm.

Oh for Christ's sake, Terrance Zdunich: YES. GIRLS DO READ COMIC BOOKS. I even bought your creepy comic book about cockroaches.

I guess I'm mostly just tired of being told I don't exist.

ETA: This. Thanks, Sorsha. WHATEVER.

Rants of Ice and Fire: Oh, HELL No

Hey Sorsha, remember when I recommended that podcast to you, Podcast of Ice and Fire? Yeah, well, I'm rescinding my recommendation. I enjoyed the first episode and part of the second one I listened to (I texted you a quote) but immediately after that, one of the women on the 'cast treated the listeners to a lecture about Catelyn Stark and how she's not a strong character because she's a wife and mother.

...No, really. That was it. I'm on record as not being a huge Catelyn fan. Mostly because I find her boring and think she was a bitch to Jon Snow, whom I adore. (Though I can sort of understand her reasoning. Well. As much as I can understand why anyone would be mean to a little kid, even if he IS your husband's illegitimate kid of TOP SECRET maternity.) But I certainly don't think she's weak. And I think she left "traditional" femininity behind when she hopped on her horse to go rally the Tullys and gather evidence against the Lannisters for booting her son out the window. And then arresting Tyrion. And the way she handled the arrest was pretty fucking masterful. And she seems extra tough when you compare her to her miserable sister. Ugh.

Yeah, she raised five kids. Hell, six, if you count Jon Snow. (Are we to think she completely ignored him? I'm unclear on this. I guess it doesn't matter much.) She was a dutiful and loving wife to Ned and mistress of Winterfell. None of these things make her weak. Motherhood's a fucking tough job, I'm pretty sure. Especially when you don't have things like, you know, epidurals, antibiotics, diapers, pacifiers and soap. And unlike that gorgon Cersei (To whom she was being compared unfavorably), she doesn't: 1. Fuck her brother 2. Murder her husband 3. Have any Damien-Omen kids.

I'm mostly just really offended by the notion that if you don't try to act like a man, you're weak. Like I said in my ridiculously impassioned defense of Sansa: not everyone can be Arya or Dany. If you put a sword in my hand, I'd probably be all, "Um. This is heavy. I'm just gonna put this down over here before I drop it on my foot" and then I'd go read a book. Or knit something. Or bake something. In fact, I'm looking up brownie recipes as we speak. ...Type. And I'd (GASP!) like to get married and have babies someday. !!!!!!!!! Whatever. I GUESS I'M JUST TOO WEAK/BORING/USELESS TO LIVE.

So, back to the podcast...I'll be unsubscribing. Which sucks because I loved being able to listen to something Westeros-related at work. It's the NEXT BEST THING to reading the novels. But I don't need that kind of misogynistic bullshit.

AND NO BROWNIES FOR YOU, PODCAST OF ICE AND FIRE.

ETA: Oh, there was other stuff, too. This was just the bit I was ranty about.

Really, Elisabeth Hasselback, REALLY?

I do not watch "The View." I liked the concept of the show when it began some 10 years ago: women of varied backgrounds getting together to discuss "hot topics" and take a fresh approach to interviews. In those years a lot has changed and I haven't watched since its premiere season.
One of the main reasons I abhor this show in recent years is the introduction of one Elisabeth Hasselback - a woman who rose to fame A) by being on Survivor and B) for marrying a semi-famous, not very good, pro-football player. She has a degree in Fine Arts and is about 33 years old.

Now that you know the background, let me tell you what I just read that absolutely floored me:

"Host Elisabeth Hasselbeck criticized Andrews — who has faced two separate stalking incidents in the past year — for dressing inappropriately on Dancing [with the Stars].
“In light of what happened and as a legal [matter] — and as inexcusable as it was for that horrific guy to go in and try to peep on her in her hotel room,” Hasselbeck said. “I mean, in some way if I’m him, I’m like, ‘Man! I just could’ve waited 12 weeks and seen this — a little bit less — without the prison time!’”

Really? Let's break this down.

1) The outfits worn on dancing shows (like Dancing with the Stars) are always skimpy -I'm not sure why. LONG before DWTS Two of Hearts and I would watch hours of competitive ballroom dancing and no matter the age, the dance, or the ethnicity of the couple, the female outfits were short, had cutouts, and very skimpy. Another point about the actual outfits: they are approved by the channel's standards guy - that's his job.

2) "...try to peep on her hotel room" isn't accurate. The man charged with stalking Erin Andrews figured out her hotel room, adjusted the peep hole on her room door, set up cameras through said peep hole, recorded her changing, and then posted them on the Internet. He didn't "try to peep" he DID and quite a bit more.

3) Hasselback is clearly blaming the victim here. She is trying to say that because Erin Andrews is wearing a certain outfit she is inviting men to stalk her. Erin is one of five (I think, I don't watch DWTS) women who wear skimpy outfits and dance around. Are they inviting people to hurt them? If I wear a miniskirt and get raped, was I "asking for it"?

You Know You're Getting Old When...

As the title of this blog stipulates, I have now officially noticed I am getting older.

• Is it that I'm in my 9th month of my 2nd pregnancy? No.
  
• Is it my impending 8 year wedding anniversary? No.
  
• Is it my new 30 year mortgage?

No. It's this:

"Witty, insightful, and full of random allusions to their varied interests, "Two Jersey Girls" is an award-winning blog about everything and nothing. Two twenty-something women write about what's in the news, movies, television, and their lives. An entertaining read, updated regularly, and quoted often."

That's right - the header of this very blog. Notice why I'm old? It needs to be updated. No longer can it read, "Two twenty-something women..." because we're both over 30 now. OVER 30!!

It seems like just yesterday Bea and I decided to start this thing. It was long before Twitter, back when MySpace was the cool networking-site, (back when Bea flat-out refused to use said MySpace), back when I was celebrating my first son's first birthday. It was before the insane move that ended up taking two years, before we had a black president, before we realized just how parallel the war in the Middle East is with the Vietnam "Conflict." So much has changed. I wonder where we'll be when I have to change the header to "Two forty-something women..."

Hang on...I'm getting dizzy...

Living in West Virginia During the Mine Tragedy...again...

Be forewarned: this is a rambling rant, but I'm angry and this is what happens when I get angry. You may not like me when I'm angry. I don't care.

As if you couldn't tell from the title of this blog, I'm a Jersey girl; however, my beloved is a West Virginian and we all now live here; I love this state and the people here. All that being said, I'd like to give you, dear readers, a glimpse into just why the coal mining tragedy is such a huge deal to every person here.

Being from NJ, when I tell you that I'm from a working-class family I mean that I am from a family of postal workers, school teachers, and engineers; you know - Bruce Springsteen song kinda stuff. My Beau is from WV. Although his family is now considered 'well-off' (hello - a moat!!), he too is from a working class family. But in WV a working class family is something totally different from (quite literally) anywhere else in America. Beau is from coal miners and farmers as is everyone else; every person whose family has lived in WV for more than two generations is tied to coal somehow. Beau's grandmother, although in no way related to any of the persons affected by the recent tragedy was devastated by the events because her husband, seventy years ago, was a miner. Her father was a miner and she proudly has the hard hat and headlamp he used. These deaths brought back the fears and worry that she had daily; her heart was broken for these women and children whose worst fears came true.

It took about two hours from the announcement of the mine explosion before I witnessed the two churches visible from my front porch to start gathering in order to organize their collecting of food and money for the people affected; two hours and we live 90 minutes away! People are running to their churches and other nonprofit organizations to donate what they can for these people because everyone in some way, is tied to the coal industry here.

I am continually amazed at how many people are tied to the coal industry and despite how dangerous the working conditions and the job's history of violence, these people are proud of their job and the people they work with. I'm not even a native here, but my blood boils when people in DC and the entertainment industry try to step in to our state and tell us how we're doing things wrong.

People are quick to make fun of and criticize West Virgina, but the reality is that 8 out of 1o Americans don't use their minds enough to realize that West Virginia is a state, not just western Virginia.

It's Banned Books Week -- Go Piss Someone Off With A Book!

Hey babies, it's Banned Books Week! I LOVE Banned Books Week! Because I can feel like a revolutionary just by curling up with a cup of tea and a copy of Harry Potter. HAHAHA! Plus, this blog is named after a flagship banned book Flowers in the Attic. So, naturally, the topic is dear to my and Mame's hearts.

I just don't understand the mentality of banning books. It's a BOOK. It already exists. Banning it doesn't poof it into the ether. If you don't want your kid to read it, TELL your kid he or she can't read it. If you don't want anyone else to read it, fuck you. We grown-ups can all decide for ourselves what we can and can't read.

I can think of exactly three books that my mother told me I wasn't allowed to read when I was a kid: The World According to Garp, the uncut version of The Stand and My Sweet Audrina. She told me I would be allowed to read them when I was 13 or so. I did read them when I was 13. She was right. They were above my maturity level, even then. You know what? The parts that I didn't understand went riiiight over my sweet little head. When I reread them as an adult, I kind of went, "Oh. OHHH. WOW. OK."

So, I pulled up the list of the 100 Most Frequently "Challenged" Books from 1990-1999, the era when I was pretty much under my own supervision as far as books went. My mom wasn't at all into censoring my reading but once I hit my teens, I could read whatever. And did! Here are some of my favorites from the list:

• Earth's Children (series) by Jean M. Auel; You know, The Clan of the Cave Bear, etc. Heh, I love these books. Except for the last one, Shelters of Stone. That one kind of sucked. I remember the conversation thread about these books on the sadly defunct yet fondly remembered Fametracker forums. Someone made the comment that these books could "provide QUITE the sexual education." HA. SO. TRUE. I guess that's why they're frequently banned!
  
• A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle. I...have no idea why this book would be banned. It's a story about how love and friendship can overcome any obstacle. That's bad because...why? I may be a bit biased because it's one of my favorite books EVER, but I just don't get it.
• Go Ask Alice by "Anonymous." AHAHAHAHA. This terrible book! I can't believe it gets banned. Doesn't this seem like EXACTLY the kind of book that people who ban books would want kids to read? All about the evils of sex, drugs, rock and/or roll music and not listening to your parents! Plus, it's a total fake.
• The Bluest Eye and Beloved by Toni Morrison. Riiight. Because these aren't important works of literature or anything. One is a book about child abuse and racism and the other is about slavery. THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DISTURBING.
  
• Ordinary People by Judith Guest. Uh, do kids read that book? Seriously?
• Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume. Yes, God forbid that young girls be aware of what's going on with their bodies. SHOCKING.
  
• The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. Yeah, everyone needs to read this book. No one should ever watch the movie. But the book? Totally.
• The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. Ok, this book isn't literature or anything. But it's very readable and still connects with kids today. It was written in 1967! Now THAT'S longevity and it obviously still has something to say. Plus, the movie is a total gift to the Kevin Bacon Game. (Tom Cruise was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon. You're welcome.)

So, tell us about your favorite banned books!

Thursday Night TV...WOOO!

A brief conversation between my and my brother, BW:

BW: Dude. You aren't watching The Vampire Diaries, are you?
Me: Yes! HAHAHA! I hope it's terrible!
BW: Yeah, I think you'll get your wish...

(So far, it's pretty bad and bearing almost NO resemblance to the books. Bah. Blatant Twilight rip-off, which is just...sad. And I think I despise the girl playing Elena.)

Also, tonight is the season premiere of Supernatural! I stumbled over this Open Letter to Eric Kripke last night and...OH MY GOD, DO I AGREE. Seriously, Supernatural writers, try to be less douchy. I love your show but I'm tired of feeling guilty about it because of the consistent racism and misogyny. Enough already. I know you all aren't stupid and you really can't pretend that you don't KNOW that you're doing it. And even if you weren't aware, more discerning fans have been pointing it out for years. STOP. REALLY. I'd like my eye candy and my horror homages and my dark plot twists to be less RAGE-INDUCING. Thanks!

Also, how much am I going to go see Fame? HA. SO MUCH. I absolutely adore a good peforming arts high school drama! I even rented that one with Hillary Duff...which lasted about 10 minutes because it was TERRIBLE. And Center Stage is one of my favorite movies! HA.

MY MORTGAGE *WILL* GET APPROVED!!!!!!

Robert Frost once said, "In three words I can sum up what I've learned about life: it goes on." Well I've got a little something to say to you, Mr. Robert-two-roads-diverged-gold-can't-stay-Frost: no it doesn't.

It's been 15 months now: fifteen months and not a damn thing in my life has changed except my patience with it. I'm still living with my in-laws in a one-room loft over their three car garage. I'm still having to put my makeup on in my car because of the un-Godly amount of traffic I encounter at 7 in the morning. My grandmother is still sick and frequenting the hospital without getting much better because of it.

I got all excited awhile ago because we found a great house and the owners accepted our low-ball offer. Just before my eyes could barely view the glimmer of silver lining, Beau and I were turned down for a mortgage: twice. Because of my insane up-bringing and readiness to take on unbelievable amounts of bullshit, we were not swayed and therefore applied to another institution. The representative was all nice and said, "We usually hear back in around 24 hours." Really? Do you? Because that was 72 hours ago, and all we've heard was you telling us that you haven't heard anything. If they turn us down I'm going to sue them to pay for all the stool softeners I've been taking because I'm so backed up with worry. Maybe that was TMI, whatever, get over it, I have a lot of stress, I have no poo, therefore I have no internal filter.

I read "The Secret" and they say that if you focus all your energies on something than nothing is impossible. Like being positive and saying (or writing on your blog), "OUR MORTGAGE WILL GET APPROVED!!" I've even written "Mortgage Application: Approved" down, and I chant it to myself over and over. Still nothing except for a grumbling in my stomach and a neck so stiff you could play racquetball off it.

In a violent act of defiance against the beloved 80's 'sitcom' my life hasn't gone on.











*Wow, this ended up not being what the titled foreshadowed at all. Huh.

Foiled Again! (No, I Haven't Been Fencing.)

I am a huge music fan. I buy a lot of music, mainly from iTunes. Unless I want the whole CD, then I'll buy the whole thing. But I am a huge addict for buying a song here and there from iTunes. But sometimes, just sometimes, the songs I WANT aren't AVAILABLE. Then I have a tantrum. Here are the top 5 songs that I want to download that iTunes doesn't have:

• "Backwater" by The Meat Puppets. There's a bunch of OTHER Meat Puppets stuff on iTunes. But not "Too High To Die," the album with this song. Come on! It takes me straight back to early high school! But in a good way!
  
• "The Book of Love" by Peter Gabriel. Oh sure, it's available for download on iTunes...if you want to pay $9.99 and get the whole "Shall We Dance" soundtrack. And I sure don't. Grrr. This song was used to lovely effect on the Scrubs finale. I linked it there. Mame will weep. Don't worry, dear Mame. It made me cry too.
  
• "Ruins" by George Is Jones. This song was used on the Everwood* finale, oh so many years ago. I've never been able to find it, nor heard much from that band. All I could find was an emo fanvid about Amy Abbott. So...enjoy that.
  
• "Safe and Sound," Kyosuke Himuro featuring Gerard Way. Yes, Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance, otherwise known as my favorite band that I take no ending of mockery for. Whatever, can't get the song. Himuro's website says that I can but this is a lie. A vicious lie.
  
• "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want," by The Dream Academy. It's an instrumental cover of The Smiths' song. It's the song playing in Ferris Bueller's Day Off when they're in the museum. Gorgeous rendition of an already awesome song.

If any of our devoted readers do know where I can get any of these songs (Legally!), feel free to let me know!
*Shut it, Andie. Everwood was an awesome show and you just don't GET IT. Neener.

So I've Decided

OK, because I'm currently babysitting 13 year-olds I've been doing a lot of self-reflection and I've come to the painful conclusion that I have no life. I really don't. To demonstrate:

1. Alarm goes off at 6:15
2. Get out of bed at 7
3. Dressed, prep and in the car by 7:15
4. Drive to work that should take 20 minutes takes about 30-40 because of traffic.
5. The traffic is where I do my hair and makeup - yeah I'm THAT girl.

GOD HELP the person who disrupts my morning routine. God Lord. It happened once when my neighbor stopped by because she saw me getting into my car and no one has heard from her since. Even I don't remember what happened to her.

1. Work by 7:50 or such, wherein I eat breakfast and begin to rant about the day ahead with my fellow teachers.
2. 8:15-3:30 I should be teaching, but lately we aren't able because testing is over and therefore we are just overseeing the kids while they pretty much go crazy. During this time I play on the computer.
3. 3:30-4ish is mostly a blur because I've zoned out to the drive home. Then I pick up Glow Bug, listen to the iPod for the rest of the drive, and talk with him about his day.
4. Whenever we get home, Glow Bug either A) strips down to only his pants and runs around outside or B) watches TV. During this time I go upstairs and nap.
5. The rest of the night is spent in front of the TV or on the laptop, with maybe a sprinkling of cleaning/housework thrown in. Before bed I prep my morning so I can get the maximum amount of sleep in the morning as humanly possible.

See y'all, I sleep way too much! My whole routine is dictated by the fact that I want to sleep in in the morning.

Yuck, seeing it all typed out like that annoys me. I want to be the girl who meditates (we have so much beautiful land where we live) when she gets home, and works out in the morning, and is talented at something other than applying the perfect liquid line during stop and go traffic. Although, let's be honest that is a talent. I should be on that show. Oh well, this rant was brought to you by the fact that it is 9 AM and I'm sitting in front of the computer because the students are writing newspapers (see above schedule). *sigh*

Never Thought I'd Say *This*

Good job, Iowa.
Way to go, old-money, blue-blood, Maine, Massachusetts, and Vermont.
But really California? REALLY? Home of San Francisco, the porn industry, and Liberace? REALLY?

Hey California!

Fuck. You.

I Firmly Believe In A Ruling Class...

...Especially since I rule. Just a quick note for those who are poorly socialized -- rude comments do not get posted on this blog. We have comment moderation for a reason. (Mostly, it's so Mame or I don't miss comments on older entries. But it becomes handy when people are douches.) The only rude comments that get posted are from me and Auntie Mame. Anyone else? They get rejected and we tell all our friends and we all laugh about it.

Particularly if they are anonymous. Don't like it? Go fucking read something else.

Got it?

The Ordeal with the Xbox 360...or how Bea ignores me now...

As I've mentioned about a million times before, I don't have Comedy Central at our temporary home. Beau has an Xbox 360 and we decided to sign up for Xbox 360 Live.
Ah, it was bliss. Beau could play his crazy blow 'em up games with his friends from Greensboro as well as here, and I could watch stupid, frat-boy-style comedies. It was great. We got our Netflix instant queue and Glow could watch silly kid movies over and over without my having to buy them. It was great. Some nights Beau would go out with friends and I would stay up watching stand up comics over and over by way of our Netflix Instant Queue and Xbox 360 Live. We bought a six month subscription and life was good.
Then Lord decided to go with Internet phone service.
There isn't an Internet drop in our "loft"
We can't afford the $100 wireless adapter for the Xbox 360, and we've read reviews that it sucks anyway.
I'm back to being miserable.
*sigh*

Jesus Ain't Down With That Shit. (I Hope.)

This past weekend, I saw two movies: Revolutionary Road (meh) and Milk as part of my Oscar Tour 2009. Anyway, I really enjoyed Milk and saw it with a very fun, receptive, reactive crowd. (That's how I like my movie-going audiences. I don't want dead silence, I want gasping and cheering and advice tossed at the screen. As long as it's related to the film at hand, I'm cool with it. It's Jersey, you kind of have to be!) At one point during Milk, they introduce the odious Anita Bryant, showing some old footage of her singing a hymn. As soon as a woman singing about Jesus appeared on the screen, everyone in the theater groaned and shook their heads or threw their hands up. Even I did this.

Now maybe some people watching the movie were specifically reacting to Bryant but I wasn't. I had only the vaguest notion of who she is before watching Milk and certainly didn't know her on sight and I doubt many of my fellow moviegoers did either. (Which is as it should be. That horrible woman should fade into absolute obscurity, only to be trotted out for mocking purposes. But I digress.) I was reacting to the fact that a religious person had been put in front of me in a movie and my knee-jerk reaction was that this could only mean bad things for these characters. I was right, of course, Milk and his team spend most of the second half of the film batting policies supported by Bryant and bigots like her. Polices that would make it legal to discriminate against people based on their sexual orientation, to fire gay teachers, you know, awesome things like that. And the usual rhetoric about how gays are trying to "recruit" kids in the their sick gay gayness. (Seriously? HAHAHAHA. These people would be hilarious if they weren't so hateful.)

Anyway, it really bothered me that I had that reaction. I'm a person of a faith, a Christian. Specifically, I attend Quaker meetings. I go almost every Sunday and I help out with the First Day School. And it pisses me off that I usually have to qualify the admission of my religion with some kind of explanation that I'm not a judgmental freak. It doesn't make me pissed at the people to whom I'm explaining it, the ones who automatically start to back away, but at the people who act like total dicks in the service of God. Why have we let them* hijack religion? And by "we," I mean, reasonable people of faith. The people who don't give a shit who you have a sex with or marry as long as everyone is over 18 and consenting. The people who don't care what women do with their bodies, whether it's birth control, abortion or sex. The people who aren't terrified of science or evolution. The people who don't give a shit if you're an atheist or some other religion. Basically, people who aren't horrified by "otherness" and hide behind Jesus in terror. It really makes me angry that people with what I feel are VERY extreme views are the ones who try to speak for Christians, who perpetuate bigotry and censorship and misogyny in the name of God. Hey, conservative Christians? YOU DO NOT SPEAK FOR ME. AND YOU NEVER WILL. To semi-quote John Bender from The Breakfast Club, you don't even know my language!

I don't really have a solution to this. I guess I can just continue being a non-asshole person of faith. Well. I'm still kind of an asshole. Just not about being a Christian. Well. Not in this very specific way. Heh.

*And I don't mean people that merely hold more conservative views that I do. I know I'm pretty goddamn liberal. Many of my friends and family members are more conservative than I am and that's not a bad thing. I don't expect everyone to be like me. That would be...boring. I'm talking about scary people like Bryant (though apparently she's mellowed with age or something) and Fred Phelps (Remember him? Gay people caused Hurricane Katrina, didn't you know?) and those like them. The ones who are in the public eye and say detestable things and act like they have God's stamp of approval.

There's A Lot Of SMASH Going Around Today...

Are you fucking kidding me with this? SERIOUSLY? This actually had me so angry that I was almost in tears reading that article. TEARS OF RAGE. If you didn't click on the article, the United States refused to sign a U.N. declaration asking to decriminalize homosexuality. REFUSED TO SIGN IT. The motion was to DECRIMINALIZE it, not make it communicable. UGH. And of course, we're the only western nation that didn't sign it. I am very sorry, Rest of the World. I'm sorry we're such assholes. Most of us are hoping that things will improve in about 32 days and that our dickishness will decrease at least 67%. I live in hope...

Hey kids! Want a racist or anti-Semitic birthday cake? Go to Walmart! I'm so proud to be from New Jersey AND a Shop Rite shopper. Heheheh. I have to give Mame credit for linking me to that one. She was on that shit before everyone else went crazy over it. Also, read the comments on just about ANY article on the subject and have fun watching people misunderstand the First Amendment. Apparently, birthday cake is a Constitutionally-protected right! In that case, I DEMAND vanilla cake, buttercream icing and edible glitter! And I want it decorated with a picture of Gerard Way's face. And those sparkler candles.

I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY CAKE.

Overheard In Rite Aid (Sadly, Not New York)

So, I'm standing in line to purchase various drug store item (Ask anyone about my terrible drug [store] addiction) and overhear a male manager is telling a female cashier some scandalous story about another employee. The woman waiting on me is practically hopping with the urge to finish my transaction and go hear this tale of woe or incompetence. She scampers over and the manager laughs and says, "Yup, there's three methods of communication: telephone, telefax and tele-woman." The two women with him actually laugh and he chuckles doofily. I shoot him a death glare and mutter "asshole" under my breath as I stomp out of the store.

Seriously? I think that comment was last made in like, 1965. I may have heard it on Mad Men. No, wait. Mad Men is never that stupid. But ugh. And what makes this so hilarious, the GUY was the one who was gossiping! Oh, I'm sure to him, he was just "disseminating important information to my subordinates." No, dude. You were gossiping about about an absent coworker. Live with it. Assface.

Things I hate about holiday decorations

1. Blue Lights

Good Lord. I hate blue lights more than anything else at Christmas. I think they stopped making them in late 1977; however, some classy families have found enough of them on eBay to cover their entire house, rooftop and trees.

2. The Half Blink/Half Steady House

I imagine the conversation whilst decorating this home went something like:
“Hey Momma, this string blinks, should we put it up anyway?”
“Yeah, it don’t matter none.”

3. No Theme Houses

How horrible is this? Houses that have forty different items thrown about their yard for no discernable reason other than they are all ‘holiday’ related. “Yeah!! Let’s put up the manger scene next to the inflatable Santa and then we can use the Pooh Bear light up as the angel! Sweet!!”

4. Really faded

When your decorations go from red and white to orange and yellow, it’s time to either buy new ones or just throw them away. Or, when the face of Balthazar has been rubbed off, try and draw and new one or throw it away.

5. The highly inappropriate

This could be anything from using a blinking bulb to illuminate Jesus to the really scary Santa faces plastered on your tree. A neighbor of ours has an inflatable manger scene, but because of a recent spell of cold weather, one of the shepherds looks like he’s celebrating the coming of our Lord and Savior by taking advantage of one of the mules. You can’t tell me that, as owner of said nativity, that you don’t drive by it everyday and don’t see it. Everyone else does, trust me.

Five People Who Annoy the Crap Out of Me…or, How I am trying to overcome this Twilight-induced sweetness.

5. The “Don’t Take My Picture” Ugly Guy

These people used to be the bane of my existence in high school. You know these guys, the not-so-great-looking guy that your friend met at the skating rink and then asked to the big Homecoming Dance. He’s not part of your “crowd” but you have to act like you like him because your friend is now dating him. This guy inevitably turns his head or ducks away quickly whenever a picture is taken. Like he’s fucking Amish and is afraid that the flash will take his soul. Fuck him. It’s a PICTURE, you are a person, and you are going to get your picture taken, idiot.

In ten years when you’re going through your photo albums and you want to remember that dick that Jane brought to the ’96 dance and all you have to remember him by is a picture of Jane in a cocktail dress and her up-do hair with baby’s breath woven in, and the blur of color that is that guy ducking away.


4. The “Man I Got Wasted” Guy

We’re thirty. I got wasted when I was nineteen with my sorority sister’s fake ID and stole a bottle of tequila and drank it with the pour spout still one. That was cool. That was a story*. Now, talking about how you were at Applebee’s watching the “Stillers” (AKA StEElers) game last night and had one too many nine dollar beers, and ended up falling off the stool and getting escorted out by John the bartender who's “a cool guy though” is not a story. It’s one of the five signs of an alcoholic.

3. The Let Me Ask You the Same Question Over and Over Relative

Everyone has a relative like this, usually a cousin or older relative. For me, honestly? This person for me is my father. Every year on my birthday, he asks, “So how old are you now? Let me see…24?” And every year (except my twenty fourth) he’s wrong. He also asks me the name of the company I work for over and over. Sometimes he asks me to spell it. At first it’s endearing because at least he’s trying, but after about the seventh time, I try to laugh it off as I answer it again. On the tenth time, I’m sorry – I’m only human, I’m going to roll my eyes and sigh dramatically when I answer it.

2. The One Year of Therapy Reciter

This person is interchangeable with “I took Psychology 101 Reciter.” I can’t stand when someone I barely know, or even someone I do know decides that he or she can fix whatever ailment I happen to be bitching about by reciting something they heard from one of their own therapy sessions. Now, don’t get me wrong, every now and then this is fine. I should also mention that I’ve been in therapy for like twelve years, I’ve heard whatever it is you are about to say. Thank you for your advice, but stop. Therapists are very intelligent and have great insight; however, you don’t, and spouting off what your doctor said every time I mention that I had a bad day, makes me want to have a better day by killing you.

1. The “I Know More Than the Expert” Dude

O.M.G. No matter what’s on TV: it could be the news, Law & Order, or Superman, this person is going to point out every minute aspect they can find a fault with. And, they are going to talk over the climatic ending to explain why THEY are correct and the seventeen writers and two experts who wrote the show are completely wrong. Then they are going to smirk and shake their head every time the character or even news anchor speaks again. I can’t stand this person, and usually want to rip their arms off and punch them in the groin with it. Beau does it sometimes; I think just to annoy me. It works.

*and a hell of a story it is, too!

I...Um...Really?

Sarah Palin says, "There's a place in hell reserved for women who don't support other women."

...

SERIOUSLY?

IRONIC, I THINK. I MEAN, DOES SHE REALLY NOT GET THAT?!?!?! She doesn't support a woman's right to choose EVEN IN THE CASE OF RAPE OR INCEST. There's the whole charging for a sexual assault exam. SHE WILLINGLY STANDS NEXT TO JOHN MCCAIN, A MAN WHO CALLS HIS WIFE A "CUNT" IN PUBLIC. A MAN WHO DOESN'T THINK BIRTH CONTROL SHOULD BE COVERED BY INSURANCE COMPANIES. A MAN WHO HAS DEMONSTRATED NUMEROUS TIMES THAT HE THINKS WOMEN ARE AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS, SECOND CLASS CITIZENS.

I'm seriously starting to think that we are all being Punk'd. Wouldn't that be comforting and make more sense?