Really, Elisabeth Hasselback, REALLY?

I do not watch "The View." I liked the concept of the show when it began some 10 years ago: women of varied backgrounds getting together to discuss "hot topics" and take a fresh approach to interviews. In those years a lot has changed and I haven't watched since its premiere season.
One of the main reasons I abhor this show in recent years is the introduction of one Elisabeth Hasselback - a woman who rose to fame A) by being on Survivor and B) for marrying a semi-famous, not very good, pro-football player. She has a degree in Fine Arts and is about 33 years old.

Now that you know the background, let me tell you what I just read that absolutely floored me:

"Host Elisabeth Hasselbeck criticized Andrews — who has faced two separate stalking incidents in the past year — for dressing inappropriately on Dancing [with the Stars].
“In light of what happened and as a legal [matter] — and as inexcusable as it was for that horrific guy to go in and try to peep on her in her hotel room,” Hasselbeck said. “I mean, in some way if I’m him, I’m like, ‘Man! I just could’ve waited 12 weeks and seen this — a little bit less — without the prison time!’”

Really? Let's break this down.

1) The outfits worn on dancing shows (like Dancing with the Stars) are always skimpy -I'm not sure why. LONG before DWTS Two of Hearts and I would watch hours of competitive ballroom dancing and no matter the age, the dance, or the ethnicity of the couple, the female outfits were short, had cutouts, and very skimpy. Another point about the actual outfits: they are approved by the channel's standards guy - that's his job.

2) "...try to peep on her hotel room" isn't accurate. The man charged with stalking Erin Andrews figured out her hotel room, adjusted the peep hole on her room door, set up cameras through said peep hole, recorded her changing, and then posted them on the Internet. He didn't "try to peep" he DID and quite a bit more.

3) Hasselback is clearly blaming the victim here. She is trying to say that because Erin Andrews is wearing a certain outfit she is inviting men to stalk her. Erin is one of five (I think, I don't watch DWTS) women who wear skimpy outfits and dance around. Are they inviting people to hurt them? If I wear a miniskirt and get raped, was I "asking for it"?

You Know You're Getting Old When...

As the title of this blog stipulates, I have now officially noticed I am getting older.

• Is it that I'm in my 9th month of my 2nd pregnancy? No.
  
• Is it my impending 8 year wedding anniversary? No.
  
• Is it my new 30 year mortgage?

No. It's this:

"Witty, insightful, and full of random allusions to their varied interests, "Two Jersey Girls" is an award-winning blog about everything and nothing. Two twenty-something women write about what's in the news, movies, television, and their lives. An entertaining read, updated regularly, and quoted often."

That's right - the header of this very blog. Notice why I'm old? It needs to be updated. No longer can it read, "Two twenty-something women..." because we're both over 30 now. OVER 30!!

It seems like just yesterday Bea and I decided to start this thing. It was long before Twitter, back when MySpace was the cool networking-site, (back when Bea flat-out refused to use said MySpace), back when I was celebrating my first son's first birthday. It was before the insane move that ended up taking two years, before we had a black president, before we realized just how parallel the war in the Middle East is with the Vietnam "Conflict." So much has changed. I wonder where we'll be when I have to change the header to "Two forty-something women..."

Hang on...I'm getting dizzy...

What is WRONG with me?!

Today I gave my coworker Corey a tutorial of which Jonas brother is which and how old they are. While holding up the copy of Seventeen* magazine that features them on the cover.

I...WHY DO I KNOW THIS? WHYYYYYYY?!?!? I feel like I can somehow blame Perez Hilton for this.

I feel sure of it.

*We get it at the office. I don't have a subscription, I swear. Seventeen used to be a great magazine for teenage girls. You know, back when I was a teenager. I remember they used to have great articles about things like abortion rights, sexual harassment and drugs. They used to have that great "Sex and Your Body" column. Yeah, not so much anymore. It's all Jonas brothers and makeup tips. And New and Different Ways to Hate Your Body. Sorry, current teenage girls. Sucks to be you.

Damn You, Journey!!!

Ha ha ha, sick of us yet? TODAY IS THE DAY WE POST LOTS. Enjoy that.

Anyway, I had an appointment with my chiropractor today because my back was kind of sore and I'm trying to avoid the thing where my back locks up and I walk around like Quasimodo. I mean, it's fun for everyone else, but I don't enjoy it. Plus, ow.

So, I'm lying on my stomach on the table while some...ultrasound thing is working its magic on my back. And over the radio? Comes "Don't Stop Believin'!" THIS SONG IS STALKING ME. I start giggling. The nurse pokes her head in, "Um...everything ok in here?" Because generally, chiropractics do not inspire giggles. I tell the nurse that it would be torture for me if someone played this song and told me I couldn't sing along. So, I sang along for the variously injured and their caretakers. It was fun.

Seriously, I hear that song everywhere I go. Mame and I heard it when she was visiting over Easter and we were standing in line at the Salad Works. I'm sure the crew there will never forget our rendition...

Guilty Pleasures: The Last 5 Songs You Downloaded

I thought another fun series might be the various guilty pleasures that Mame and I indulge in. (Ew, get your minds out of the gutter. Not like THAT!) One of my main vices is iTunes. I can't. Stop. Downloading. Music. And podcasts. I don't do tv shows or movies, but that's mostly because I don't have that kind of space on Frank the iPod. So, for fun, here are 5 of my most recent downloads:

1. "Don't Stop Believin'" by the cast of Glee (I think I made my fondness for this show evident and I was delighted to find that I could get their version. Yay!)
2. "Jai Ho" from the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack; I recently saw this movie and only thought it was ok. Dev Patel was adorable, Freida Pinto was beautiful and the music was awesome. I found the dance sequence to this song over the credits particularly delightful.
3. "Iowa" by Dar Williams. Beautiful voice, beautiful song.
4. "Mad World" by Adam Lambert. (Whatever, don't judge me. I think he's great. And I love this song like, down to my DNA.)
5. "Great Expectations," The Gaslight Anthem; I downloaded this one on a recommendation from EGT. She rarely steers me wrong when it comes to music and television.
   

What have you downloaded recently? Care to harass me for my choices? (You can try, I'm pretty unrepentant!)

*And in case anyone is concerned (Doubtful!), I'm still working on my Terminator entry. It's rather...epic.

Well I've Done It

Follow the link to view my novel. It's not complete, but it's long enough for me to keep ahead of you. I DARE YOU. Wow, that got creepy.
Leave feedback and find any errors (they are the main reasons I've done this). Love to all!!


http://7cyns-mywritings.blogspot.com/2009/05/chapter-one.html

I Firmly Believe In A Ruling Class...

...Especially since I rule. Just a quick note for those who are poorly socialized -- rude comments do not get posted on this blog. We have comment moderation for a reason. (Mostly, it's so Mame or I don't miss comments on older entries. But it becomes handy when people are douches.) The only rude comments that get posted are from me and Auntie Mame. Anyone else? They get rejected and we tell all our friends and we all laugh about it.

Particularly if they are anonymous. Don't like it? Go fucking read something else.

Got it?

This Is Turning Into A Knitting Blog, Isn't It?

...Maybe. Ok, not really. I'm supposed to go the movies this weekend and see Wolverine AND Star Trek, so you know, it'll be all geeky movie reviews pretty soon. And surely there will be something new for me to whine about. And I have an entry cooking about terrible American remakes of awesome British shows and I need to hassle you all about how you should watch Criminal Minds and how it hurts me in my heart when you don't.

So, back to knitting. I've mastered casting on and the knit stitch. And I know how to purl. FUCK YOU, PURL STITCH. I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU. You are the evil twin of the perfectly fun knit stitch!!! HAAAAAAATE.

And I've switched knitting books. I was using Knitting for Dummies, but I was finding it frustrating. Not enough pictures of what things should look like, directions that weren't terribly clear, boring patterns. It got some bad reviews on Amazon and my friend The World Traveller recommended Stitch 'N Bitch*. So I got that and like it much better. It has some SUPER CUTE patterns, including two very easy-looking (easy to make, not slutty) scarves that I am going to attempt as soon as I learn that binding off step and buy the yarn.

YARN. WHY IS YARN SO EXPENSIVE AND WEIRD? Ok, there are no craft stores that are very close to me. They are all out-of-the-way and inconvenient. (You get totally spoiled living in N.J. because everything is really close to you. If a store is 10 miles away, it's unbearably inconvenient. Or maybe that's just me.) Walmart, aside from being soul-sucking and evil, has really ugly colors of yarn. And damn it, if I'm going to fuck up some yarn with my bad stitching, at least it can be PRETTY when I do it. And there is a really cute privately-owned yarn store near my work, but I went in there today and DAMN. I can't afford that! I would love to patronize an independent store but I can't be paying $8 a skein. (It's not that I don't appreciate quality, I totally do. But my knitting is not up to quality yarn. I'd rather make some practice projects that won't cost a ton of money while I learn, you know?) And the knitter ladies all hanging around in a circle eating butter cookies and knitting impossibly complicated projects intimidated me, I'm sorry to say. So, it's back to the craft store for me, I guess. Grrr. Anyone have any secrets for cheap, non-ugly yarn?

*HA. So, I got the Stitch 'N Bitch book from the library. I'd requested it a few days ago and went to pick it up, along with a freakisly eclectic selection of other books. I go to the sweet, prim little librarian and tell her that they are holding a book for me but I'm not sure which one. (True, at any given time, I have 4-5 holds going. I'm greedy.) The sweet, prim little librarian looks in the system and her face tightens and she says, "Yes, it's...a book on knitting." (Usually the tell you the title.) I start giggling on the inside and consider trying to make her say the title out loud by asking, "Which one?" but that's probably mean. She hands it to me, "Interesting title, " she sniffs disapprovingly.

Heh. Who says knitting isn't scandalous?

Marry, Cliff, Shag -- Part Two

Well. This has been bracing, hasn't it? Since the comments on the last entry are still going and who reads comments on old entries (Um, besides me), I thought we'd have another round.

The lovely Sorcha hit us up with:

Challenge #1: The Three Musketeers (A. Dumas): Athos, Aramis and Porthos (We are ignoring D'Artagnan here b/c he's annoying to me) [Bea: Mame, didn't you have A Thing for this movie when we were teenagers?]

Challenge #2: Gilmore Girls Young Dudes Who Want In Rory's Knickers: Dean, Jess and Logan. (I feel a throw down coming on with Bea here!) [Bea: You're so right! Ugh, Jess.]

I took on Challenge #2 and answered thusly: Cliff: Oh, I'm gonna cliff the SHIT out of Logan. God, I HATED him. Arrogant, preppy, smug, rich little bastard. With stupid hair. HAAAAAAATE.

Shag: It's fine, I'd toss Jess a shag. You know, if he could find time for it in between brooding, whinging and reading fucking Kerouac.

Marry: Well, duh. Dean. You totally marry Dean. He's ADORABLE with those dimples. And have you SEEN that guy lately? Yeah. Good stuff.

Sorcha, my dear, I offer you this challege:

Challenge # 3: Geeky Men Of A Certain Age Who Fight Crime: Gil Grissom (C.S.I: Original Recipe), Jason Gideon (Criminal Miiiinds) and Keith Mars (Veronica Mars)

Challenge #4: For my dear EGT: Men of The West Wing: Josh Lyman, Sam Seaborn and Charlie Young

Anyone else who wants to play, join in! It's a great time!

Finally some news...or, crap it has been awhile

Well first the good news: tomorrow we might get an offer on the house. Our realtor called and told us that a man made an appointment with her to specifically write up an offer. I hope it A) doesn't fall through and B) isn't a shitty offer. Granted this damn house has been on the market forever, but there's only so far I can lower the price before I'm still paying a damn mortgage, ya know? For those who don't know: in July the fam and I moved to WV (where Beau is from) and into Beau's parent's house. Our house was put on the market and we went about our lives expecting the house to sell sometime in October. Look at your calendars; it's April and we're just now getting a bid (well, not yet, but PRAY WE DO). It's been a long, hard road. We've been living in the little apartment/attic area over my in-laws garage and I've been trying to maintain my sanity without the use of recreational drugs.
Other thangs going on:

• I coach a middle school softball team that is now 4-1!! We rock!! It's a fun job, and the girls are so sweet; however, it is the reason I am never online anymore and can hardly find time to shower and shit each day.
• Beau and I saw Adventureland yesterday. It was cute. I wouldn't call it a comedy in the sense that it starred Kristin Wiig and therefore I was expecting some SNL-slapstick-nish, it was more like Juno comedy or Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. I loved all those movies, so I enjoyed it.
• On the recommendation of many, I've started to read the Sookie Stackhouse books that the HBO series "True Blood" is based on. They are hilarious and wonderful all at the same time. It makes me long (even more) for when I have my own house and can watch whatever the hell I want on HBO. I'm about a third of the way through the first book, and I've had a hard time putting it down. It's an easy read and very entertaining.
• I showed my class the newest Anne Frank movie starring Ben Kingsley as Otto Frank. It is BY FAR the best version of not only Anne's diary, but her biography I've ever seen. It had every student in every class crying at the end, and I teach some big, redneck boys, and some mean-looking footballers. Kingsley's portrayal of a father broken was so moving I almost called my own father to tell him I loved him. It was amazing. I highly recommend this movie to EVERYONE who is willing to listen to me, and that is a chore I don't take on easily.
• Beau got our Xbox Live back!! I can now watch my Netflix on demand movies!! I've discovered "The Whitest Kids U'Know" and I've finished the series "Head Case" both of which are so hilarious they deserve their own entry (forthcoming, promise!).

Looking ahead:

• More rain in lovely West Virginia, so a lot of the softball games have been cancelled. Maybe I'll have more time to write!!
• Glow and I are traveling up to Jersey to be with Joan, et. al. during Easter. We're making an adventure of it and driving up to visit "Two of Hearts" and then going the rest of the way the next day. Glow is a good traveller, we'll see how it goes.

Keeping the ideas featured in "The Secret":

• OUR HOUSE WILL SELL TOMORROW!!

Movie Review: Watchmen

**Mildly spoily. I won't reveal the central mystery or endgame or anything but smaller plot points are fair game**

Months ago, I was at a movie with my brother, BW. I think it might have been The Dark Knight, but I'm not sure. Anyway, they showed the awesome original trailer for Watchmen. I'd seen it online of course, because I'm a geek, but seeing it on the big screen was SO cool. And I'm bouncing in my seat with glee. BW looks over at me and says, "You know, if you got pregnant TOMORROW, you'd have the baby before that movie comes out. I'm just sayin'." I glared at him and told him to shut it. Then we saw the preview for Terminator: Salvation and I bounce with glee some more. (I LOVE the Terminator series) And BW says, "Hey look! Another movie you can bring your newborn to!" I threw popcorn at him. (Also, I think someone really wants to be an uncle. Whatever, you'll have to keep waiting, dude!)

So, fast-forward the average gestational period of a human being, and I'm sitting in a theater with my mom and BW. I've been looking forward to this for MONTHS. EGT can vouch that whenever we've watched tv together over IM and saw a Watchmen preview, I'd scream-type "WATCHMEN!!!111!!!" She's very patient. So, the movie...LOVED IT! I mean really, there wasn't much chance that I wouldn't. But yeah, it pretty much lived up to all my expectations and then some.

Watchmen, as you know unless you've been living in a hole or aren't a geek or loved one of a geek, is the long-awaited film adaptation of a much-beloved graphic novel. The graphic novel is SO awesome. As great as the movie is, it really can't touch the muti-layered brilliance of the novel. Seriously, go read it. The movie opens with the murder of the Comedian/Edward Blake played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan who also was Daddy Winchester on Supernatural. Yeah, he's not as nice here. He gets his ass kicked and then tossed out a window and you can't say he didn't have it coming. Blake used to be part of a few crimefighting teams of masked avengers until they were outlawed some time ago.

The world of Watchmen is an alternate universe in which the U.S. won in Vietnam and is still embroiled in a bitter nuclear arms race with Russia. Richard Nixon is on his 5th term in office and the Doomsday Clock is set at five minutes to midnight...like it is in our current world. (I read a review that talked about how unrealistic and unrelatable Watchmen is because it's nothing like our current world and we don't even fight with Russia anymore and no one worries about nuclear war, anyway! Um. It's nice in that guy's world, isn't it? Why do idiots get to review movies...says the girl writing a movie review. QUIET, YOU.) Former masked heroes Dr. Manhattan/Jon Osterman and Ozymandias/Adrian Veidt are working together to develop an alternate energy source and make everyone with nuclear weapons chill the hell out.

Arriving stealthily under the cover of darkness to investigate the Comedian's death is Rorschach/Walter Kovachs, a former...coworker? I guess? of his. RORSCHACH IS MY VERY FAVORITE. And that was my favorite sequence in the graphic novel. He's one of those fictional characters that I want to follow around, eating popcorn and giggling in horrified delight at all the awful things he says. (Gene Hunt from the U.K. version of Life on Mars is another) Seriously, he's awesome. Uncompromising, right-wing, rigid, equally judgmental of the people who saves and who he saves them from; he really doesn't like anyone. He dislikes slightly less some of his fellow crime fighters, as long as they still fight crime. Rorschach is totally paranoid, possibly a sociopath and wears a creepy black and white mask. He partially narrates the film with raspy entries from his journal. Jackie Earle Haley does a PHENOMENAL job with the role. His is probably my favorite performance in the film.

Rorschach tries to round up all the remaining former heroes, but they aren't having it. He goes to Dr. Manhattan, the giant naked blue guy and his former (very!) jailbait girlfriend Silk Spectre II/Laurie Jupiter. Doc was on the wrong end of a scientific experiment and now he's pretty much omnipotent and can see his past, present and future at once. (Like the Doctor!) Billy Crudup plays him and does a brilliant job. And I hate saying that about him. YOU KNOW WHY, BILLY. In spite of the C.G.I. all over him, Crudup still manages a surprising nuance of expression and a soft, semi-bored voice. Well, who wouldn't find omniscience boring? Rorschach manages to, well, I'd say "piss off" but really "mildly annoys" Dr. Manhattan, who then teleports his pissy little ass on out of his giant government facility lab.

Anyway, plot plot plot, who's killing former masked avengers, who has a secret agenda, who doesn't, why is everyone such an asshole, when will the world end, fight fight fight. It's a very good time. All the actors are really great and I have to mention Patrick Wilson as Nite Owl II/Dan Dreiberg, kind of a dorky but nice guy, sort of still longing for the good old crimefighting days. Wilson gives him an interesting vulnerability. I am SUCH a huge Patrick Wilson fan, loved him in Angels in America, Hard Candy and God help me, Phantom of the Opera. (...Shut up) He's awesome here and you know, naked a lot. Have fun with that, kids!

Speaking of kids, OH MY GOD, WATCHMEN IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE FILM FOR CHILDREN UNDER 5 YEARS OLD. NO. And also, I just want to let anyone who hasn't seen the movie who is still reading this thing (thanks for that!) know, there is a very nasty attempted rape scene in the movie. (It's as well-done as it could be and actually integral to the plot and not really cheap exploitation) If that kind of thing bothers you, take a bathroom break. You'll need it, the movie's a fucking million years long. You'll see it coming, take a powder. Shakesville points out that very few film reviews have mentioned it; most are too busy talking about Dr. Manhattan's blue penis. Hey, a rape scene is nothing, but a dude seeing another dude's dick? NO, THANK YOU. Ugh, whatever.

The music in the film is a bit of a mixed bag. "Hallelujah," though it's one of my favorite songs, made me wince. I just don't think you can use it anymore in films or tv, really. The title sequence set to "The Times, They Are A-Changing" is a thing of BEAUTY. Seriously, it's amazing and does a lovely job of showing you the world that you are about the spend time in. And of course, My Chemical Romance's cover of "Desolation Row" plays over the closing credits and YOU KNOW I was bouncing in my chair. It's pretty great.

Watchmen is visually stunning and features some awesome, gory, bone-crunching fight scenes. Some of the fights are a little over-the-top; these guys, with the exception of Dr. Manhattan, DON'T have superpowers. But I'm totally willing to overlook that because it was so fun to watch. It's full of little details and treats for readers of the graphic novel, but I think it's accessible enough those who didn't read it. But if you saw the movie and enjoyed it? Read the book. Seriously. I'll loan you my copy! (Maybe)

If The Oscars Were Like That, I'd Watch!

Yaaaaaaay! It's Academy Award night! So, I didn't do too badly on my predictions last year. And it's lucky for me that I dug up that old post, because I almost gave this one the exact same title. I'm so original! But I'm very excited, I've seen several of the nominated films and I adore Hugh Jackman. At the very least, dude looks good in a tux. So if he sucks at hosting, there's eye candy! (But I don't think he'll suck. He's done a nice job with the Tonys and he's charming and funny. We will miss Jon Stewart, however!)

And on to my picks of who probably will will and who I think should win:

• Actor in a Leading Role: I think that Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler both should and will win. It was a very strong performance and Hollywood loves those comeback stories. Sean Penn was great in Milk, but he's kind of annoying generally and I didn't see Benjamin Button or Frost/Nixon. Richard Jenkins was terrific in The Visitor, but it was a tiny little movie and his nomination will probably be considered honor enough. But he's deserved a starring role like that for awhile now, so good for him. Winner: Rourke
• Actor in a Supporting Role: Heath Ledger should and probably will win for The Dark Knight. He's dead, the Academy loves that shit. But he absolutely deserves it. It was an amazing, vivid, terrifying performance. I was quite effusive in my praise for that movie. Brolin was pretty great in Milk and I enjoyed Michael Shannon in Revolutionary Road, a movie I didn't especially enjoy otherwise. I didn't see Tropic Thunder, but there's no way Downey's getting the statue for a comedic performance. I could see Hoffman or Shannon taking it, but I'd be pretty surprised. Winner: Ledger
• Actress in a Leading Role: I lovedlovedloved Rachel Getting Married and I would LOVE to see Anne Hathaway win because she's great but Kate Winslet will most likely win for The Reader. Which is unfortunate because it's nowhere near her best performance and wasn't that a great a movie. But she's awesome and will look pretty and give a good speech. (Why is everyone suddenly all pissy about her Golden Globes speech? It was fine!) And this will be the Academy making it up to her for not giving her the award other, more deserving, times. Whatever, that's not Winslet's fault. Didn't see The Changeling or Frozen River, though it would RULE if Melissa Leo won, because she's pretty awesome and I remember her from Homicide: Life on the Streets. I don't ever care about Meryl Streep or any of her movies, so I don't have an opinion on her chances. (I know, I know...travesty! I'm sure she's lovely, I just don't like her movies generally.) Winner: Winslet
• Actress in a Supporting Role: Huh, ok, I only saw one of the nominated performances: Marisa Tomei's. And I thought she was excellent in The Wrestler. But the praise for Viola Davis in Doubt has been phenomenal. I bet she'll win. I hear Penelope Cruz was very good and I'm surprised that Amy Adams was nominated because I heard she WASN'T very good. I am not rooting for Taraji P. Henson because I hated Hustle & Flow SO much that I hold a grudge against everyone who was involved in it. Sorry. Winner: Davis
• Best Director: Hmm. I actually have no idea. Probably Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire, which I didn't see. But I did love 28 Days Later and Trainspotting, so why not? Winner: Boyle
• Best Picture: Again, I've only seen two of the nominated films, Milk and The Reader. The latter DOES NOT deserve to win. Absolutely not. Milk was excellent and I'd be pleased if it won. But I'm pretty sure that Slumdog Millionaire will win. Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Hey, why wasn't The Wrestler nominated for Best Screenplay? That was a pretty great screenplay. Huh. Well, so we shall see! Red carpet starts at 6pm for prime celebrity mockery!

Valentine's Day

I have always had a soft spot for Valentine's Day. I think it's part of my ancestral, courtly love spirit. Maybe it's the fact that I look stunning in red. Whatever the case, I tend to really like V-Day. I've been very blessed to have had some very memorable Valentine's Days from both hot men and my very best girlfriends. This year was no exception; Beau did a fantastic job coming up with the perfect V-Day for me: namely blindfolding me and taking me to a locally-owned scrapbook store (my absolute favorite kind) and having me go on a spree. Then we went driving around for four (!) hours just the two of us, window shopping, and doing dumb, benign things that needed to get done. It was great though and just what we need - time alone!

Here's the thing though: I don't understand why people hate the V-Day. I just don't get it. I understand if you are alone then you don't want to be needlessly reminded that you are alone; however, some of the best Valentine's Days I've ever had were when I was single. My girlfriends and I would get together and do something, or one time I gave myself a day at a spa. I also don't think that Valentine's day is a "created" holiday, or is too "consumer based." Christmas is. Easter is. Valentine's Day? No. It's a day to celebrate the act of love. If you love someone you buy things for him or her. It's been that way since the first caveman dragged the carcass of a huge woolly mammoth to the hottest piece of tail in the tribe. You love someone, you show it.

If you are one of those people who go around spouting that Valentine's Day has become "commercialized," calm the fuck down - it's always been commercialized. Also, don't say that it's a day created by Hallmark. You're an idiot and need to read a damn history book (or at least wikipedia) Either way just enjoy the day with someone you love, or sit back and enjoy watching people show their love for one another. OR admit what you are really unhappy about and then get over it. February 14th has been a day since pagan times that people have shown others love. It's not about to change.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day, babies! Anyone else think that Google's holiday homepage today is a little creepy? That it looks like the sort of thing that a serial killer would write on your bathroom mirror in lipstick after Psycho-ing you in the shower? No? Just me? 'K then.

Alas.

Terror At...4 and 1/2 Feet

So, I don't know about you, but I watch a lot of horror movies and crime-related television. (Newest tv obsession? Criminal Minds. SPENCER REID!!! Ahem.) And often, I'm quick to jump to worst-case scenarios when a situation seems like it might be a bit dodgy. A dude in a moving van? Clearly, he's looking for girls to make a skin suit out of. A guy dressed in a Santa Suit? Obviously, Silent Night, Deadly Night come to life! Someone who smells like formaldehyde? Well. That's just CAN'T be good. Anyway, it leads me to sometimes, shall we say, jump to conclusions. And by "jump," I mean, "take a huge fucking leap."

Last weekend, I did some stuff around the house and cleaned out my car, which it DESPERATELY NEEDED. OH MY GOD, GROSS. And then I drove out to a shopping center to run some errands. I was listening to music, enjoying the sunny day. And I suddenly heard a...knocking sound on the passenger side of my car.

[knock. knock. knock.]

I turn the music down and listen closer. I don't hear anything. Ok, maybe I kicked up a rock or something. Then a few minutes later, I hear it AGAIN. And it definitely sounds like a KNOCKING. I move my mirrors to check the side of the car...nope. Nothing there. Huh. Ok. I keep driving. I HEAR IT SOME MORE.

[knock. knock. knock.]

Is it the man with the hook for the hand?! Is it a ZOMBIE?! Did I run over a serial killer and now he's going to follow me around wearing a rain coat and wielding an axe?! IS IT A GREMLIN?! HOW MANY MORE HORROR TROPES CAN I IMAGINE HANGING OFF THE SIDE OF MY CAR?! I can't see anything out the window. The car doors are locked. No one driving behind me is frantically signalling to me. It's also BROAD DAYLIGHT. I'm almost to the shopping center. I'm not STOPPING ALONG THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, OK.

[knock. knock. knock.]

I arrive at the shopping center and park my car. I get out sloooowly. I look on the passenger side...

The fucking passenger side seatbelt is hanging out the door. I must have pulled it out when I was cleaning and they don't always go back up the way they're supposed to and then it got pushed out the door. It was banging on the side of the car while I was driving along, making this noise: knock. knock. knock.

I'm a paranoid idiot.

UPDATE: FITA

Also, still working on my review of Flowers in the Attic. I have total writer's block on it. I think I'm just intimidated because Mame's was so awesome. THANKS, MAME. GOD.

Also, Happy Inauguration Day! (They keep saying "balls" on MSNBC. I keep cracking up! Why am I so 12 years old?)

In Honor of Our Friendship...

Just a little insight into this amazing friendship I have.
I wanted to give you all a glimpse into Bea's inbox. On any typical day, the Lady Bea can expect the following email from me:

My Dearest:

So my little darlings are watching, "Tuck Everlasting" and it's such a sweet movie/story. However, there are quite a few pieces that make my sick mind chortle, nay, laugh hysterically. Have you seen the movie and/or read the book? You whore I know you have. Get back to me.

I get bored easily. She's the Marcy to my Peppermint Patty, if we were young cartoons or gay. *sigh* Sadly, we aren't either.

I Really Don't Like That "Auld Lang Syne" Song

Happy New Year, everyone! I think most of us can agree that 2008 fucking sucked. Here's to hoping that 2009, at the very least, sucks significantly less than the previous year!

Gifts that Mean "I Know Nothing About You"

I wrote this awhile ago, but for some reason, never published it. I just found it and chuckled. Enjoy.


5. The generic, strange print sweater in XL.

4. A tin of popcorn - usually in three different flavors and available at most 24-hour drug stores and gas stations.

3. A faux book of Lifesavers - because you can never have enough! Oh look, it's shaped like a book so I can store it on a shelf! haHA.

2. A gift card to Blockbuster - for like $5 or $10. When a typical rental is about $12.

1. A Shirly Temple VHS tape -Again, available at most 24-hour drug stores or gas stations.

Book Review, Twilight…or, Calm Down Girls.

Since I’ve been teaching middle school this year, the girls have been going ape-shit over this Twilight series. As the weeks progressed I realized that my own, adult friends and sister were as well. I resist such things crazy fads normally - it took my cousin buying me the first Harry Potter book, and writing on the inside cover “read it for me!” before I would bother with it.
As Beau can attest, I spent the entire weekend with my head shoved into the books and was pleasantly surprised. I don’t like fantasy, vampire stuff usually, but this was a very sweet tale and pretty well written.

As a mother and teacher I liked that despite everything they waited until they were married before “doing it” (these books are for middle schoolers after all), and that the main characters both had really high moral characters. There was enough action to keep me interested and enough sweet, sticky, romance to turn my rather gruff, comedic exterior into mush. I would put my books down and cuddle up to Beau and he would laugh rather hard at me because this is not how I am. I suppose that means the books had an impact on me.