Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Terror At...4 and 1/2 Feet

So, I don't know about you, but I watch a lot of horror movies and crime-related television. (Newest tv obsession? Criminal Minds. SPENCER REID!!! Ahem.) And often, I'm quick to jump to worst-case scenarios when a situation seems like it might be a bit dodgy. A dude in a moving van? Clearly, he's looking for girls to make a skin suit out of. A guy dressed in a Santa Suit? Obviously, Silent Night, Deadly Night come to life! Someone who smells like formaldehyde? Well. That's just CAN'T be good. Anyway, it leads me to sometimes, shall we say, jump to conclusions. And by "jump," I mean, "take a huge fucking leap."

Last weekend, I did some stuff around the house and cleaned out my car, which it DESPERATELY NEEDED. OH MY GOD, GROSS. And then I drove out to a shopping center to run some errands. I was listening to music, enjoying the sunny day. And I suddenly heard a...knocking sound on the passenger side of my car.

[knock. knock. knock.]

I turn the music down and listen closer. I don't hear anything. Ok, maybe I kicked up a rock or something. Then a few minutes later, I hear it AGAIN. And it definitely sounds like a KNOCKING. I move my mirrors to check the side of the car...nope. Nothing there. Huh. Ok. I keep driving. I HEAR IT SOME MORE.

[knock. knock. knock.]

Is it the man with the hook for the hand?! Is it a ZOMBIE?! Did I run over a serial killer and now he's going to follow me around wearing a rain coat and wielding an axe?! IS IT A GREMLIN?! HOW MANY MORE HORROR TROPES CAN I IMAGINE HANGING OFF THE SIDE OF MY CAR?! I can't see anything out the window. The car doors are locked. No one driving behind me is frantically signalling to me. It's also BROAD DAYLIGHT. I'm almost to the shopping center. I'm not STOPPING ALONG THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, OK.

[knock. knock. knock.]

I arrive at the shopping center and park my car. I get out sloooowly. I look on the passenger side...

The fucking passenger side seatbelt is hanging out the door. I must have pulled it out when I was cleaning and they don't always go back up the way they're supposed to and then it got pushed out the door. It was banging on the side of the car while I was driving along, making this noise: knock. knock. knock.

I'm a paranoid idiot.


EGT said...

This is what happens to you when you watch the type of television and movie that you watch.

EGT said...

Also, this website just insisted that I typed the verification word wrong. I DID NOT. Maybe if it was a REAL WORD, we wouldn't be having this disagreement.

Dr. Fabulous said...

LOL that is TOO funny, and SO you!!

Dan Mac said...

Better to be paranoid than oblivious. Not to be overly morbid, but your story reminded me of this poor bastard I read about yesterday. Was definitely worried your story wouldn't reach a comically harmless conclusion.

"Lady" Bea said...

Well, EGT, thanks for battling it out with the word verification. I'm sure you showed it who was boss. Heh.

"Lady" Bea said...

And yikes, Dan! I think I can promise not to tell a story that horrible in a whimsical yet sardonic fashion. Let's hope the situation doesn't present itself.

But the paranoia is likely here to stay!

"Lady" Bea said...

Thanks, Dr. Fabulous. I miss YOUR blog. [pointed comment]

Fucking Facebook.

Volstaag said...

I object to your conclusion about van drivers. I drive a van and rarely ever wear a "skin suit". Also, don't be so cavalier about the seatbelt. You dragged it for miles. It's not likely to forget that. If you ever find yourself a passenger in your car don't be surprised if you feel the seatbelt tightening, slowly, inexorably, FATALLY! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha