You Know You're Getting Old When...

As the title of this blog stipulates, I have now officially noticed I am getting older.

• Is it that I'm in my 9th month of my 2nd pregnancy? No.
  
• Is it my impending 8 year wedding anniversary? No.
  
• Is it my new 30 year mortgage?

No. It's this:

"Witty, insightful, and full of random allusions to their varied interests, "Two Jersey Girls" is an award-winning blog about everything and nothing. Two twenty-something women write about what's in the news, movies, television, and their lives. An entertaining read, updated regularly, and quoted often."

That's right - the header of this very blog. Notice why I'm old? It needs to be updated. No longer can it read, "Two twenty-something women..." because we're both over 30 now. OVER 30!!

It seems like just yesterday Bea and I decided to start this thing. It was long before Twitter, back when MySpace was the cool networking-site, (back when Bea flat-out refused to use said MySpace), back when I was celebrating my first son's first birthday. It was before the insane move that ended up taking two years, before we had a black president, before we realized just how parallel the war in the Middle East is with the Vietnam "Conflict." So much has changed. I wonder where we'll be when I have to change the header to "Two forty-something women..."

Hang on...I'm getting dizzy...

I *heart* Tina Fey

For absolutely no reason at all (other than the fact that I am bored at work and this makes me smile no matter what), I present to you my favorite Tina Fey quote.

"I hate to judge a person's character based on appearance, but when your body looks like a dirt bag's binder cover from high school metal shop, it doesn't bode well for you." on alleged Jesse James mistress, Michelle "Bombshell" McGhee

I've Got Nothing to Blog About...

I'm bored. I've got nothing to blog about, but it's been a few days since I've posted so I figured it was a good thing to do. Snowmaggedon didn't quite happen here; living in chemical valley has its upsides! Glow Bug has taken to spending entire weekends with his grandparents (who only live about 2 miles away) so my weekends have become pretty boring - it's not like I can go out drinking and whoring. Well I suppose I could, but then I would be nothing more than a sad, sad stereotype of pregnant women in West Virginia wouldn't I?

Being pregnant is not fun. Don't get me wrong, the end product (by which I mean baby) is worth it, but for the 10 months that I've become a human-incubator it's just no fun. I tried to watch Labyrinth yesterday and was crying hysterically within the first seven minutes. In case you don't remember, the whole plot starts with her infant brother crying in his crib and the lead girl basically yelling at him as she tells a story. The idea of a baby crying and not being comforted hit me like a ton of bricks and I had to turn it off.

I find myself crying a lot. Sometimes I cry because I can't pick up my four year-old and carry him around anymore. This may be because he's getting bigger, but I swear it's because of the beach ball belly and then I guilt trip myself because Glow Bug won't be 'carrying' size for much longer and then I get all emotional. Writing all this down I see how crazy it is, but it's the hormones. I also found my first few grey* hairs the other day and realized that I can't just dye my hair to get rid of them. Well, not for the next three months at least. I've seen What's Love Got to Do With It? when Tina Turner's hair falls out because she dyes her hair while pregnant. Not gonna happen to this chunky monkey. Hells no.

Well, as I stated in the first sentence, I don't have anything to discuss/write here, so I'll end this now. I'll write more when I'm more inspired. Hopefully the inspiration comes sooner rather than later.

*for all you Brit loving readers out there: notice that I spelled this color using the Queen's English.

IT'S THE SNOWMAGEDDON!!!11!!

Today was the second (or was it third?) HUGE snow storm that we've gotten here in NJ. Gotta love global warming, right?

I did not go to work because there weather dot com told me I would be in "life-threatening peril" if I left my house. No doubt from polar bears and walruses and ice weasels. I spent the day downloading music and watching the first two Underworld movies. With commentary. Come, let me tell you about the HUGE, WEIRD CRUSH I have on Michael Sheen. Or as Sorsha calls it, my "Michael Sheen Pathology." And she's a mental health professional. She would know.

The first and third Underworld movies are delightfully terrible, just the thing to watch with friends and mock. The second one: Underworld: Evolution? Was an absolute TRIAL to get through and Sheen in in the damn thing for LITERALLY 10 seconds. Awesome. It's a dreadful movie. And I like Scott Speedman as much as the next heterosexual woman with a working optic nerve (TEAM BEN ALL THE WAY!!!), but even his sex scene was lousy. I'm sure glad that the director mentioned in the commentary that the latex suit Kate Beckinsale was wearing smelled like a giant condom. Because that's all I could think of. GREAT.

While I wouldn't exactly call the Underworld franchise a feat of feminist filmmaking, I do enjoy that no one seems to bat an eye at Beckinsale's Selene kicking ass and taking names AND being a girl. They never even mention it. I mean, she's not a human woman, she's a vampire so it's not like she's striking a blow for the average woman. And she's wearing a shiny catsuit that looks like they spraypainted it on her, but still. I'll take my tiny victories where I can get them.

Day One

This is going to be a boring post, but you'll deal with that, I'm sure.

Yesterday was my first full day in my childhood home. We didn't do much, the weather was lousy so we couldn't take advantage of the pool that Joan brought, and we had so much random little things to do that the day go away from us before we had the time to do anything.

Floppy and I went to my Gparents house to help them with little things like laundry and dishes. I should explain that this is a bigger chore than you'd imagine. The Gparents live in a three-story museum-like house and they are in their nineties, so a simple task like bringing laundry up the stairs is a big deal. Floppy was really sweet and came with me and didn't complain once. I sent him up to the third floor to help Gpop bring things down (he's cleaning out his workspace) and before I know it, Floppy is running outside. I follow him out to yell at him, but I find him yelling up to the window where the aforementioned ninety-something Gpop is leaning precariously out, lowering random bits of metal and pipe out the window to Floppy waiting below. I realize at this moment that my summer is going to be a sitcom.

I go back inside and help Gmom fold laundry and cook lunch. They like to follow a strict schedule of lunch at noon sharp and supper at 6 sharp. The time is punctuated with random clangs outside. We took Gmom grocery shopping and to run errands and as a thank you I took Floppy to my favorite pizza place and bought him a slice and listened to him tell me about his school year.

I called Bea when we got home, but she didn't answer so naturally I just showed up at her doorstep. I believe I reminded her that I was here to spend the damn summer with her so I was going to force myself on her like the athletic boyfriend in a Lifetime special. We went to a diner and flipped through our elementary school yearbooks that we dug out of storage. We were loud and sat next to each other so I'm sure everyone thought we were life partners. Then we drove around the town we grew up in and acted like seventy year olds noting how things have changed.

Today we're scheduled to take the train to the aquarium and then Joan is taking the boys to Chuck E. Cheese while Bea and Bea's Mom go to see The Hangover. It's going to be a fun day.

Mtv Movie Awards....or God I'm Old...or Twilight Fandom Part Two

I stayed in last night (I'll wait while your surprise wears off) and watched the last half hour of the Mtv Movie Awards. I used to live for this show, but as I watched this year I found myself confused and realized that I just don't get it. I don't get the cool 'inside jokes' featured. OK, Sacha Baron Cohen dropping out of the sky and landing on Emenim was hilarious, Forrest Whittaker singing "Dick in Box" like "La Bohem" was very original, and the girls from My Sister's Keeper referring to Cameron Diaz's work as "Adult Films" made me chuckle (PS...wasn't there some controversy a few years back because Diaz WAS in an adult film? I know I'm not making that up). But the musical acts were good, but I'm not all to familiar with them, and the quips that the stars shared with each other and their fans I didn't get.

When did I get so old? I remember rolling my eyes when my mom didn't get Fartman, or when Jim Carrey donned a ZZ Top-esque wig and beard and announced that there needed to be more Foghat. It made me a little sad. I liked Twilight (kinda), so I was excited by the premiere of the New Moon preview, and I *heart* Andy Samburg, so his little digital spoofs made me happy. But I don't get the Miley Cyrus thing, or the High School Musical thing. I don't think I ever will. I thought that just meant that I had taste, but it's an apparent sign that I'm getting older.

I got a little teary when Denzel Washington came out with his daughter to announce an award because his costar (my beloved, John) just couldn't do it. I was more upset by his absence than whoever won that award. I'm definitely loosing touch with the cool side of me.

I guess I could always don my emo-goth look and go with Bea to a My Chemical Romance concert to get in touch with my youth, but like I said "I have taste" and I'm fairly certain that concert would do more to throw me back to my rock 'n roll and 80's ballads more than anything else. Any ideas?

So I've Decided

OK, because I'm currently babysitting 13 year-olds I've been doing a lot of self-reflection and I've come to the painful conclusion that I have no life. I really don't. To demonstrate:

1. Alarm goes off at 6:15
2. Get out of bed at 7
3. Dressed, prep and in the car by 7:15
4. Drive to work that should take 20 minutes takes about 30-40 because of traffic.
5. The traffic is where I do my hair and makeup - yeah I'm THAT girl.

GOD HELP the person who disrupts my morning routine. God Lord. It happened once when my neighbor stopped by because she saw me getting into my car and no one has heard from her since. Even I don't remember what happened to her.

1. Work by 7:50 or such, wherein I eat breakfast and begin to rant about the day ahead with my fellow teachers.
2. 8:15-3:30 I should be teaching, but lately we aren't able because testing is over and therefore we are just overseeing the kids while they pretty much go crazy. During this time I play on the computer.
3. 3:30-4ish is mostly a blur because I've zoned out to the drive home. Then I pick up Glow Bug, listen to the iPod for the rest of the drive, and talk with him about his day.
4. Whenever we get home, Glow Bug either A) strips down to only his pants and runs around outside or B) watches TV. During this time I go upstairs and nap.
5. The rest of the night is spent in front of the TV or on the laptop, with maybe a sprinkling of cleaning/housework thrown in. Before bed I prep my morning so I can get the maximum amount of sleep in the morning as humanly possible.

See y'all, I sleep way too much! My whole routine is dictated by the fact that I want to sleep in in the morning.

Yuck, seeing it all typed out like that annoys me. I want to be the girl who meditates (we have so much beautiful land where we live) when she gets home, and works out in the morning, and is talented at something other than applying the perfect liquid line during stop and go traffic. Although, let's be honest that is a talent. I should be on that show. Oh well, this rant was brought to you by the fact that it is 9 AM and I'm sitting in front of the computer because the students are writing newspapers (see above schedule). *sigh*

These are a few of my favorite things....

Stepping in line with Bea, I'm writing about my top five favorite things as of this moment. I would do top five songs I've downloaded from iTunes, but I don't use it often enough. I prefer other methods of downloading my music. So instead I've decided to just begin a list of my favorite things: that's right, consider me the white, younger, far less famous, Oprah, but we're both sassy and have big butts. My favorite things vary day to day it seems, but for today, May 26 (8 days left of school!), here they are:

1. "Candle on the Water" by Helen Reddy. It's the theme song from Pete's Dragon and it's amazing. Glow Bug has become obsessed with dragons recently, so Beau and I decided he needed to see this movie. Unfortunately, it's not easily available, but this song is!!
2. Glow Bug's playlist on my iPod. It has: Stevie Wonder's version of Seasons of Love; Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond, the chorus of which he sings AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS; Sing by the Carpenters; Puff the Magic Dragon by Peter, Paul and Mary; and Solisbury Hill by Peter Gabriel that he affectionately calls the Boom Boom song.
3. The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel. I didn't watch Scrubs at all the last two years; the idea of JD having a baby was weird to me. But I did devote a lot of my time to that show in the past, so I watched the series finale that featured this song. I was in tears and immediately downloaded it. It's fantastic!! Also, on a side note: apparently this wasn't the series finale as advertised. Apparently CBS just signed it for another year, but without most of the original cast. Zach Braff is making too much money as the voice of the Charmin dog.
4. Salad Toppers by Sargento. Holy crap this stuff is good. They also make a potato toppers, but I can't account for them.
5. Dirt (the hair product) by Jonathan Anton. It gives fresh washed hair that day-after manageability without the stink. It's awesome (Volstaag I know you're interested!!)

Oh Auntie Mame, Where've You Been? Or, why this is so *NOT* a knitting blog...

Yeah, I've been MIA for awhile. Sorry.
But I'm here now! Isn't that good enough for you?! OMG!!

Now that I'm back from my hiatus of under a rock, I've realized that I've missed the entire season of The Office, 30 Rock, and SNL. I should kill myself. I like to think I've kept the TV off because I'm waiting for Conan's triumphant induction as the Tonight Show host, and Jimmy Fallon's take on the old Conan show. I have loved Conan O'Brien since he first started out with Andy Richter, and his taking the helm of that God-awful Jay Leno P.O.S. marks a personal victory for me. And Jimmy Fallon - don't get me started. Yes, he laughs at his own jokes. Yes, he looked at the camera way too much on SNL. Yes, he has weird hair. But guess what? I DON'T CARE! I love him and I even own his CD. He's fucking hilarious; give him a chance.

I've been doing a lot of writing for my great American Novel (I was an English Major in college, we all have one) and am thinking of starting a separate blog to publish it. It's very fan-fiction-y (is that a word?) so it's not all that amazing, but it's been fun to write and has been kicking around in my head for a long time.

I've also decided that during my downtime - AKA summer - I am going to Jersey to spend time with Joan. I'll take Glow Bug with me and we'll just visit for an indeterminate amount of time. Joan will love that, and I'll get to bother Lady Bea ALL THE TIME!! BONUS!! I'm devoting this summer to finishing the aforementioned novel and getting down to my goal weight before I turn 30. Therefore my days will be spent running the blocks of my hometown, sweating through layers of clothes, and sitting in front of my laptop developing carpel tunnel.

More later, I'm busy babysitting my students while they watch Alice in Wonderland. It's the 1985 version with Telly Savalas as the Cheshire cat: anyone remember it? It's my favorite version!!

Finally some news...or, crap it has been awhile

Well first the good news: tomorrow we might get an offer on the house. Our realtor called and told us that a man made an appointment with her to specifically write up an offer. I hope it A) doesn't fall through and B) isn't a shitty offer. Granted this damn house has been on the market forever, but there's only so far I can lower the price before I'm still paying a damn mortgage, ya know? For those who don't know: in July the fam and I moved to WV (where Beau is from) and into Beau's parent's house. Our house was put on the market and we went about our lives expecting the house to sell sometime in October. Look at your calendars; it's April and we're just now getting a bid (well, not yet, but PRAY WE DO). It's been a long, hard road. We've been living in the little apartment/attic area over my in-laws garage and I've been trying to maintain my sanity without the use of recreational drugs.
Other thangs going on:

• I coach a middle school softball team that is now 4-1!! We rock!! It's a fun job, and the girls are so sweet; however, it is the reason I am never online anymore and can hardly find time to shower and shit each day.
• Beau and I saw Adventureland yesterday. It was cute. I wouldn't call it a comedy in the sense that it starred Kristin Wiig and therefore I was expecting some SNL-slapstick-nish, it was more like Juno comedy or Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. I loved all those movies, so I enjoyed it.
• On the recommendation of many, I've started to read the Sookie Stackhouse books that the HBO series "True Blood" is based on. They are hilarious and wonderful all at the same time. It makes me long (even more) for when I have my own house and can watch whatever the hell I want on HBO. I'm about a third of the way through the first book, and I've had a hard time putting it down. It's an easy read and very entertaining.
• I showed my class the newest Anne Frank movie starring Ben Kingsley as Otto Frank. It is BY FAR the best version of not only Anne's diary, but her biography I've ever seen. It had every student in every class crying at the end, and I teach some big, redneck boys, and some mean-looking footballers. Kingsley's portrayal of a father broken was so moving I almost called my own father to tell him I loved him. It was amazing. I highly recommend this movie to EVERYONE who is willing to listen to me, and that is a chore I don't take on easily.
• Beau got our Xbox Live back!! I can now watch my Netflix on demand movies!! I've discovered "The Whitest Kids U'Know" and I've finished the series "Head Case" both of which are so hilarious they deserve their own entry (forthcoming, promise!).

Looking ahead:

• More rain in lovely West Virginia, so a lot of the softball games have been cancelled. Maybe I'll have more time to write!!
• Glow and I are traveling up to Jersey to be with Joan, et. al. during Easter. We're making an adventure of it and driving up to visit "Two of Hearts" and then going the rest of the way the next day. Glow is a good traveller, we'll see how it goes.

Keeping the ideas featured in "The Secret":

• OUR HOUSE WILL SELL TOMORROW!!

Lately....or, how Bea has abandoned our Blog...

As loyal followers of this blog know, in July my dearest (Beau) moved myself and our three year old to his parents' home in order to take a more lucrative job. We put our house for sale and moved three states away. I love the state we have moved to; however, we are still living with Beau's parents. Things are getting a bit out of control and I might soon have to take someone down a la Jimmy Cagney from White Heat. I'm losing my mind.


Problem from the Get-Go:


We don't have full cable. My father-in-law, Lord, pays for full cable, but only gets about fifty one channels. He seems to be OK with this because our pleas for satellite that we'll pay to install are rebuffed: insisting that his cable company is "going to improve." Seriously. I am still without Comedy Central, Food Network, or Bravo, amongst others.


How this has gotten worse:


We really only watch about two things: Mountaineer sports or M*A*S*H. Don't get me wrong, I like a good Hawkeye/BJ prank as much as the next guy, but I've seen about every episode twice. There's only so much good natured Corney-ness I can stomach without wanting to rip the TV off the wall and throw it across the room in an effort to make Hot Lips see how stupid Frank really is.



Problem from the get-go:

Lady's mother, The Duchess (sadly, not Fergie), is also living here. She's 80 and a survivor of three husbands (they all died, not divorced), cancer (breast and colon), and numerous falls which left her with a myriad of broken bones (including her face). She's an amazing woman who educated herself and supported herself and her two young daughters when her first husband died, and carries the weight of both her screwed-up family and her tiny town on her shoulders.



How this has gotten worse:

Remember the great aunt from "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation"? Because I live with her. She means well, really she does, but she's going senile and I'm going slightly mad. The other day she made macaroni and cheese which is delicious, then when no one ate the left overs, she made macaroni salad because she forgot that she had already put the cheese in it. So now we have macaroni and cheese with carrots, Miracle Whip, and onions. It's, well, not good. I realize that she doesn't want to be wasteful (she washes Styrofoam plates) but her passive-aggressive comments about how I'm not helping need to stop.

I don't like onions. I've never complained about not liking onions, I just pick them off of whatever food is made with them and go about my day. Well, one time she saw me do that and we talked about it. I assured her that I would always eat anything she made and not to worry about it. Now she dramatically comments on all the things I don't eat. Since then, she watches my plate at dinner and when I don't get a spoonful of something the comment, "You don't eat (that) either?! What do you eat?"

Then she got very mad at me for throwing away my yogurt after it had accidentally frozen in the back of the refrigerator, thawed out, and then froze again. She said I was being ridiculous because we eat frozen yogurt all the time! It's still OK. Dude, the stuff smelled like the wash from last month that you forgot to put in the dryer.

Problem from the get-go:

Glow Bug is now living with his mother, his aunt, his grandmother, and his great-grandmother. There is only proverbial Indian and four proverbial chiefs.

How this has gotten worse:

My darling little Glow Bug is becoming a brat. If mommy says no, dammit if one of the others says "Of course!" Beau and I talked about this yesterday and finally had to have a talk with the family about it. When Glow does something wrong, we all try to correct the behavior and he gets really confused. So during our sit down with the fam, we insisted that when he misbehaves that Beau or I need to be the ones to speak and deal with it. Now, we've had this talk before, and it will last for about a week before going back to the aforementioned, anti PC, turn-of-the-century saying about chiefs and Indians.

Things are clearly hitting a breaking point. And by "hitting a breaking point" I mean I'm about to become a scrolling headline on Fox News.

In Honor (Honour) of our Bicenntenial Blog Entry - - WHICH BEA HAS NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED BY THE WAY

To honor our 201st blog entry, I've decided to post an entry to let all our gentle readers know a little bit more about me. I'd offer for the Lady Bea to do the same, yet seeing as the proverbial ball of our FITA challenge is still in her court, and seeing as she has yet to acknowledge our 200th blog, she probably won't. Now I shall lay that guilt trip aside, and move on to the challenge at hand.

Here's how it works: You are supposed to write a note with 10 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you, so here it goes: 10 random things about Auntie Mame.

1. I have an obsession with John Travolta. I own his shoes, a scrapbook of pictures that I collected as a kid, all kinds of stuff. When other little girls were swooning over Leonardo DiCaprio in Tiger Beat, I was clipping out pictures from Reader's Digest of John.
2. My favorite movie of all time is Saturday Night Fever. Possibly because of my previously mentioned love of John Travolta, but in all seriousness I can relate to a lot of the movie and the main characters.
3. Whenever I get lonely for the "good old days" I listen to the soundtrack of Empire Records, Counting Crows August and Everything After, Gin Blossoms New Miserable Experience and Alanis Morresette's Jagged Little Pill. Each of those CDs, in entirety, remind me of very special days in my teenage years.
4. I could eat bake at home pizza or Mexican food every day of the week and be perfectly happy for the rest of my life.
5. The movie 40 Year Old Virgin rescued me from post-pardum depression. I watched it every day for weeks. I owe my sanity to Paul Rudd and Steve Carrell.
6. I represent my three oldest, and best friends in my mind by three bands: Journey, Air Supply, and Chicago. They know which is which.
7. The best job I have ever had was as a music manager at Borders. If I were to chose retail as a career, I could have stayed there forever. We had a great time.
8. I have an obsession with stand up comedy. I can identify a comedian by a line from their bit, their physical description, or on of their appearances.
9. I'm a fairly good artist. Mostly cartoonish stuff, but it's good! I make "movie posters" for all the stories that my students read.
10. In junior high/high school I created a collage on my closet doors of favorite magazine clippings, quotes, pictures, etc. It was amazing! One night in a fit of rage after some boyfriend problems, I'm sure, I ripped it down. It took years to create. It's a big regret.

B-List Celebrities on Vh1, Part One

First off, this is our 200th post - WOO HOO!!
Secondly, I love Celebrity Rehab. Seriously, this is the best show ever. I first got addicted during the writer's strike when there was nothing else on TV. It was the series premiere of the show and Bea and I watched it together via the Internets. Between Daniel Baldwin and Brigit Neilson, I thought that there was nothing better. THEN they started the second season and threw in Gary fucking Busey. GARY BUSEY!! AND they've added another show "Celebrity Rehab: Sober Living" where the B-list celebrities leave the treatment center and enter the 'real world.'
The show comes on Sundays on Vh1 and I demand that you watch it.

In Honor of Our Friendship...

Just a little insight into this amazing friendship I have.
I wanted to give you all a glimpse into Bea's inbox. On any typical day, the Lady Bea can expect the following email from me:

My Dearest:

So my little darlings are watching, "Tuck Everlasting" and it's such a sweet movie/story. However, there are quite a few pieces that make my sick mind chortle, nay, laugh hysterically. Have you seen the movie and/or read the book? You whore I know you have. Get back to me.

I get bored easily. She's the Marcy to my Peppermint Patty, if we were young cartoons or gay. *sigh* Sadly, we aren't either.

HELP

OK, I saw the BEST of the worst made-for-TV movies I have ever seen the other day. OK, not the other day so much as like two months ago, but it was sooo bad; I loved it! I have no idea the name of it, but it looked fairly recent, I'd say it was no later than 1991 or earlier. I don't know any of the actors in it either. It was on Ion, so it could have been anything. Anyway, here is the synopsis:

Set in the 1880's. A mulatto girl from Canada marries a wealthy white man. Rather than taking her to London as her parents think, he instead rapes her and sells her in the American slave market. No one believes that she is a free woman, and she is bought quickly by a Virginian plantation owner. He makes her a kitchen slave, and he is known throughout the land for buying young, light skinned slaves to be his 'lady.' Any way, she steals paper and a stamp from his office when she is cleaning it and writes to her mother and father to let them know where she is and to help her. With the help of a strapping young slave who butchers for the kitchen, they get the letter mailed. At this point I fell asleep, so I don't know if she was rescued or not.
Does this sound familiar to anyone? Can anyone tell me anything about this stupid movie? It's been killing me!!

Five People Who Annoy the Crap Out of Me…or, How I am trying to overcome this Twilight-induced sweetness.

5. The “Don’t Take My Picture” Ugly Guy

These people used to be the bane of my existence in high school. You know these guys, the not-so-great-looking guy that your friend met at the skating rink and then asked to the big Homecoming Dance. He’s not part of your “crowd” but you have to act like you like him because your friend is now dating him. This guy inevitably turns his head or ducks away quickly whenever a picture is taken. Like he’s fucking Amish and is afraid that the flash will take his soul. Fuck him. It’s a PICTURE, you are a person, and you are going to get your picture taken, idiot.

In ten years when you’re going through your photo albums and you want to remember that dick that Jane brought to the ’96 dance and all you have to remember him by is a picture of Jane in a cocktail dress and her up-do hair with baby’s breath woven in, and the blur of color that is that guy ducking away.


4. The “Man I Got Wasted” Guy

We’re thirty. I got wasted when I was nineteen with my sorority sister’s fake ID and stole a bottle of tequila and drank it with the pour spout still one. That was cool. That was a story*. Now, talking about how you were at Applebee’s watching the “Stillers” (AKA StEElers) game last night and had one too many nine dollar beers, and ended up falling off the stool and getting escorted out by John the bartender who's “a cool guy though” is not a story. It’s one of the five signs of an alcoholic.

3. The Let Me Ask You the Same Question Over and Over Relative

Everyone has a relative like this, usually a cousin or older relative. For me, honestly? This person for me is my father. Every year on my birthday, he asks, “So how old are you now? Let me see…24?” And every year (except my twenty fourth) he’s wrong. He also asks me the name of the company I work for over and over. Sometimes he asks me to spell it. At first it’s endearing because at least he’s trying, but after about the seventh time, I try to laugh it off as I answer it again. On the tenth time, I’m sorry – I’m only human, I’m going to roll my eyes and sigh dramatically when I answer it.

2. The One Year of Therapy Reciter

This person is interchangeable with “I took Psychology 101 Reciter.” I can’t stand when someone I barely know, or even someone I do know decides that he or she can fix whatever ailment I happen to be bitching about by reciting something they heard from one of their own therapy sessions. Now, don’t get me wrong, every now and then this is fine. I should also mention that I’ve been in therapy for like twelve years, I’ve heard whatever it is you are about to say. Thank you for your advice, but stop. Therapists are very intelligent and have great insight; however, you don’t, and spouting off what your doctor said every time I mention that I had a bad day, makes me want to have a better day by killing you.

1. The “I Know More Than the Expert” Dude

O.M.G. No matter what’s on TV: it could be the news, Law & Order, or Superman, this person is going to point out every minute aspect they can find a fault with. And, they are going to talk over the climatic ending to explain why THEY are correct and the seventeen writers and two experts who wrote the show are completely wrong. Then they are going to smirk and shake their head every time the character or even news anchor speaks again. I can’t stand this person, and usually want to rip their arms off and punch them in the groin with it. Beau does it sometimes; I think just to annoy me. It works.

*and a hell of a story it is, too!

Book Review, Twilight…or, Calm Down Girls.

Since I’ve been teaching middle school this year, the girls have been going ape-shit over this Twilight series. As the weeks progressed I realized that my own, adult friends and sister were as well. I resist such things crazy fads normally - it took my cousin buying me the first Harry Potter book, and writing on the inside cover “read it for me!” before I would bother with it.
As Beau can attest, I spent the entire weekend with my head shoved into the books and was pleasantly surprised. I don’t like fantasy, vampire stuff usually, but this was a very sweet tale and pretty well written.

As a mother and teacher I liked that despite everything they waited until they were married before “doing it” (these books are for middle schoolers after all), and that the main characters both had really high moral characters. There was enough action to keep me interested and enough sweet, sticky, romance to turn my rather gruff, comedic exterior into mush. I would put my books down and cuddle up to Beau and he would laugh rather hard at me because this is not how I am. I suppose that means the books had an impact on me.

Seriously...

Where've I been? Even I don't know.
Obama is president (thank the sweet LORD); my little dumplin's at work are still adorable; Glow Bug cracks me up on a daily basis, and living with my in-laws is slowly driving me mad.
Beau and I have taken to hiding up in our 'quarters' from about 8 pm on. It's been a boring, sad little existance all in all.
I'll write more when I have more to write. :-)

This American Zzzzzzzzzzzz...

Ok, NPR junkie over here, right? My favorite podcast is This American Life. I have such a crush on Ira Glass, you guys. (Ira! Call me! We have so much in common! I have nerdy glasses too! We could be SOUL MATES!) Frequently, the show makes me cry. Like last week's segment about the daughter who went to prison to be with her mom, who was serving time for murder. (No, Mom. I'm not going to go to prison if you should ever go. I don't CARE if that makes me a bad daughter, ok? I have a delicate constitution!) Anyway, I love it a lot. So, this week's show is titled "Another Frightening Show About The Economy." I was excited to listen to it so maybe I could finally understand what's going on. I had a lot of data entry-type stuff to do at work that requires approximately 1/4 of my brain, so perfect timing, right?

Oh my GOD, YOU GUYS. I almost fell asleep! Not even the This American Life staff could make that stuff REMOTELY interesting to me. Except for vague feelings of impotent anger that I occasionally felt a twinge of, I WAS SO BORED.

Ugh, maybe if someone could explain it with songs and dance sequences? I feel really stupid right now...

Holy Shit I'm a Republican?!

OK, maybe not. But by textbook, most of my views are considered very conservative.
In my line of work (molding young minds, squelching their ideals, and the like) I'm asked quite often about my view on today's politics. I usually meander my way away from such questions, but it's been very hard to these days.
Today, during a rather blah moment at work, I did some research regarding my politics and where I stand on what the media is calling today's "hot issues."

1. I want to be left the fuck alone. I do not the president of telling me what to do with my body nor my means of self-protection.
2. I don't want someone from New Hampshire telling me in West Virginia what to do, ever. I firmly believe that the governor should be more powerful than the senators, yet it doesn't seem so anymore. Things like the death penalty, environmental issues, and education should always be a state's decision; the federal government has no right to interfere.
3. The welfare system, social security, and medicare/Medicaid are failing. No, they have failed. There is no fixing them. They need to be completely re hauled and a better system put in place. A country is only as good as how they treat their poor and their elderly. By these standards America is a third-world nation.
4. Freedom of speech was so important that it is listed in the FIRST AMENDMENT of the Bill of Rights. So is religion. I think that the greatest, most wonderful thing about my country is that I don't have to agree with you, but I am proud that we have the freedom to disagree.
5. This whole immigration thing? My great-grandparents were immigrants. There is nothing wrong with anyone, of any class, of any nation to come to America. The problem is that we have created so much red tape and nonsense that only the elite and rich can legally come. I've taught illegal immigrants and spoken at great length with their parents; they would gladly pay into our social security and tax system if they could stay. Why not make them? Don't send them back, don't put up a damn fence (idiots), just help them to become legal, and let them pay into our system.
6. Health care in America and Lobbyists go hand in hand; because of this, America will never have a universal health care OR campaign reform.

I love my country. I love the ideals that my country was founded on. I can't stand what we have become. I can't stand that while American soldiers are dying around the world to protect our freedoms, over 80% of Americans can't point out where the soldiers are on a map. I can't stand that our leadership is so corrupted that they can't see beyond their own cattle ranch.

OK, I'm done now.