Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Five People Who Annoy the Crap Out of Me…or, How I am trying to overcome this Twilight-induced sweetness.

5. The “Don’t Take My Picture” Ugly Guy

These people used to be the bane of my existence in high school. You know these guys, the not-so-great-looking guy that your friend met at the skating rink and then asked to the big Homecoming Dance. He’s not part of your “crowd” but you have to act like you like him because your friend is now dating him. This guy inevitably turns his head or ducks away quickly whenever a picture is taken. Like he’s fucking Amish and is afraid that the flash will take his soul. Fuck him. It’s a PICTURE, you are a person, and you are going to get your picture taken, idiot.

In ten years when you’re going through your photo albums and you want to remember that dick that Jane brought to the ’96 dance and all you have to remember him by is a picture of Jane in a cocktail dress and her up-do hair with baby’s breath woven in, and the blur of color that is that guy ducking away.

4. The “Man I Got Wasted” Guy

We’re thirty. I got wasted when I was nineteen with my sorority sister’s fake ID and stole a bottle of tequila and drank it with the pour spout still one. That was cool. That was a story*. Now, talking about how you were at Applebee’s watching the “Stillers” (AKA StEElers) game last night and had one too many nine dollar beers, and ended up falling off the stool and getting escorted out by John the bartender who's “a cool guy though” is not a story. It’s one of the five signs of an alcoholic.

3. The Let Me Ask You the Same Question Over and Over Relative

Everyone has a relative like this, usually a cousin or older relative. For me, honestly? This person for me is my father. Every year on my birthday, he asks, “So how old are you now? Let me see…24?” And every year (except my twenty fourth) he’s wrong. He also asks me the name of the company I work for over and over. Sometimes he asks me to spell it. At first it’s endearing because at least he’s trying, but after about the seventh time, I try to laugh it off as I answer it again. On the tenth time, I’m sorry – I’m only human, I’m going to roll my eyes and sigh dramatically when I answer it.

2. The One Year of Therapy Reciter

This person is interchangeable with “I took Psychology 101 Reciter.” I can’t stand when someone I barely know, or even someone I do know decides that he or she can fix whatever ailment I happen to be bitching about by reciting something they heard from one of their own therapy sessions. Now, don’t get me wrong, every now and then this is fine. I should also mention that I’ve been in therapy for like twelve years, I’ve heard whatever it is you are about to say. Thank you for your advice, but stop. Therapists are very intelligent and have great insight; however, you don’t, and spouting off what your doctor said every time I mention that I had a bad day, makes me want to have a better day by killing you.

1. The “I Know More Than the Expert” Dude

O.M.G. No matter what’s on TV: it could be the news, Law & Order, or Superman, this person is going to point out every minute aspect they can find a fault with. And, they are going to talk over the climatic ending to explain why THEY are correct and the seventeen writers and two experts who wrote the show are completely wrong. Then they are going to smirk and shake their head every time the character or even news anchor speaks again. I can’t stand this person, and usually want to rip their arms off and punch them in the groin with it. Beau does it sometimes; I think just to annoy me. It works.

*and a hell of a story it is, too!

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