Today was the release date for the new My Chemical Romance CD, Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys. Of course I went out on my lunch break and bought it. And very happily danced my way back to work. Yes, I can dance and drive at the same time. I'm special that way. VERY. SPECIAL.
Now, if you clicked that Target link -- and I doubt you did -- you'll see that it says that the CD is available online but not in stores. Since today was the release date, this confused me. And I'd be damned if I'd waste precious minutes of my lunch break on a failed visit to Target. So, I called the store.
I knew I would regret this.
The Target near my work is not a good Target. It's poorly stocked and staffed. I routinely want to slap people in the makeup aisles. But, whatever, it's two seconds away from my work; it's convenient. So, this happened:
Target Guy: Hellothankyouforcallingtargetthisiselectronicshowmayihelpyou.
Me: Hi! Do you have My Chemical Romance's new CD in stock today?
Target Guy: ...What is it called?
Me: Danger Days.
Target Guy: [dubiously] What's the name of the band?
Me: [sigh] My Chemical Romance.
Target Guy: [suspiciously] And what's the name of the CD again?
Me: Danger. Days.
Target Guys: Danger Days...Danger Days...huh. And what genre of music is that?
Me: Rock.
Target Guy: ...Huh. Yeah, we have it. It's $8.99.
Me: Cool! Thanks!
fin.
I enjoyed how he clearly had no idea what I was talking about and thought I was just making shit up. Which is not outside the realm of possibility, but not today. Whatever, he probably just has better taste in music than I do. WHATEVER, DON'T JUDGE ME.
IT'S REALLY AWESOME! :DDDDDDDDD
Showing posts with label Short Plays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Short Plays. Show all posts
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
A Short Play Concerning Motherhood, Woes and WebMD
Bea: Oh, look. A missed call from Mame. [redials.] Hey!
Mame: I'd about given up on you.
Bea: Um...
Mame: I need you to do something for me.
Bea: Ok...
Mame: I need you to look up my symptoms on WedMD because I'm too scared.
Bea: No. I'm not doing that. That way lies madness. What's wrong?
Mame: I'm having these pains above my left hip. It REALLY hurts.
Bea: Uh-huh...like between your belly and your hip?
Mame: Yes!
Bea: Yeah, that's your whatchamacallits stretching. Because you're like, a million months pregnant. You know...those things...they start with an "L..."
Mame: Ligaments?
Bea: Yeah, those. Andie* was just complaining to me about that. You're fine. If it's still bothering you tomorrow, call your doctor.
Mame: But what if it's my appendix? And I have appendicitis? And me AND the baby die of sepsis? HUH? WHAT. THEN.
Bea: Your appendix is on your right side.
Mame: ...Oh. Well, what if it's my gall bladder?
Bea: [quick Google search] Your gall bladder is also on your right side.
Mame: YOU JUST LOOKED THAT UP.
Bea: Yes. Yes, I did. But it's on your RIGHT side.
Mame: What if it's my kidneys?
Bea: Your kidneys are in your back. You're fine. You're pregnant. Go to bed.
Mame: FINE. I HATE YOU.
Bea: I know you do.
Fin.
*Andie is also pregnant! She and Mame are due within weeks of each other! It's a very exciting time!
Mame: I'd about given up on you.
Bea: Um...
Mame: I need you to do something for me.
Bea: Ok...
Mame: I need you to look up my symptoms on WedMD because I'm too scared.
Bea: No. I'm not doing that. That way lies madness. What's wrong?
Mame: I'm having these pains above my left hip. It REALLY hurts.
Bea: Uh-huh...like between your belly and your hip?
Mame: Yes!
Bea: Yeah, that's your whatchamacallits stretching. Because you're like, a million months pregnant. You know...those things...they start with an "L..."
Mame: Ligaments?
Bea: Yeah, those. Andie* was just complaining to me about that. You're fine. If it's still bothering you tomorrow, call your doctor.
Mame: But what if it's my appendix? And I have appendicitis? And me AND the baby die of sepsis? HUH? WHAT. THEN.
Bea: Your appendix is on your right side.
Mame: ...Oh. Well, what if it's my gall bladder?
Bea: [quick Google search] Your gall bladder is also on your right side.
Mame: YOU JUST LOOKED THAT UP.
Bea: Yes. Yes, I did. But it's on your RIGHT side.
Mame: What if it's my kidneys?
Bea: Your kidneys are in your back. You're fine. You're pregnant. Go to bed.
Mame: FINE. I HATE YOU.
Bea: I know you do.
Fin.
*Andie is also pregnant! She and Mame are due within weeks of each other! It's a very exciting time!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Brief, Flammable Dispatch From Vacation
So, I'm currently on vacation with some of my family in North Carolina. It's going great, we're all having fun and getting along (Not that I really expected an issue there, though we miss you, uncle V!). I finally saw The Big Lebowski. It was pretty great. And I've pretty much gotten my entire family to watch True Blood. SCORE.
One of the things that we traditionally do on vacation is take turns cooking dinner each night and making a themed cocktail for each meal. It saves money because there are too many of us to reasonably eat in a restaurant and many members of my family enjoy cooking. We all get into it and have fun with it. My cousin Brianna and I were on dinner duty on Wednesday night. We were making this recipe with some alterations (We added chicken and omitted pine nuts. And doubled the recipe. And forgot the parsley.). Bri and I are not really cooks (Clearly!), we're both more bakers, but we were game to try. So, it all went well at first; Bri cooked the chicken, I made a giant salad. Then I put a huge pot of water on the boil for the orzo and sat down to read my book and wait. Then the following happens:
Bri: [in a bored tone] Fire. On the stove. Fire.
I look up, sure there can't be an actual fire because wouldn't that call for like, a sense of urgency? Or alarm? But sure enough, there are FLAMES coming up from under the pot. I RUN over and turn off the burner. Doesn't help. My mom comes sauntering in calmly, because she heard Bri and doesn't think there's a fire either. I'm all, "!!!" and my mom's all, "PUT A POT LID ON THE FIRE!" and I do and it works and everything's fine. Also, Bri's in the background calmly telling us, "I don't know how to work a fire extinguisher. Sorry."
So, that's how Bri and I burned water.
One of the things that we traditionally do on vacation is take turns cooking dinner each night and making a themed cocktail for each meal. It saves money because there are too many of us to reasonably eat in a restaurant and many members of my family enjoy cooking. We all get into it and have fun with it. My cousin Brianna and I were on dinner duty on Wednesday night. We were making this recipe with some alterations (We added chicken and omitted pine nuts. And doubled the recipe. And forgot the parsley.). Bri and I are not really cooks (Clearly!), we're both more bakers, but we were game to try. So, it all went well at first; Bri cooked the chicken, I made a giant salad. Then I put a huge pot of water on the boil for the orzo and sat down to read my book and wait. Then the following happens:
Bri: [in a bored tone] Fire. On the stove. Fire.
I look up, sure there can't be an actual fire because wouldn't that call for like, a sense of urgency? Or alarm? But sure enough, there are FLAMES coming up from under the pot. I RUN over and turn off the burner. Doesn't help. My mom comes sauntering in calmly, because she heard Bri and doesn't think there's a fire either. I'm all, "!!!" and my mom's all, "PUT A POT LID ON THE FIRE!" and I do and it works and everything's fine. Also, Bri's in the background calmly telling us, "I don't know how to work a fire extinguisher. Sorry."
So, that's how Bri and I burned water.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
An Excerpt From A Phone Conversation Between Mame and Bea
Mame: What are you watching?
Bea: Supernatural. Hey, this episode is called "Criss Angel Is A Douchebag."
Mame: Hahaha, really? That's funny, actually.
Bea: I didn't know you could say "douchebag" on network television, but apparently, you can. They've said it like, 20 times already.
Mame: Douchebags are hygienic products...
Bea: I take that as a compliment! HAHAHAH, I love you!
Mame: Of course you do.
Bea: Supernatural. Hey, this episode is called "Criss Angel Is A Douchebag."
Mame: Hahaha, really? That's funny, actually.
Bea: I didn't know you could say "douchebag" on network television, but apparently, you can. They've said it like, 20 times already.
Mame: Douchebags are hygienic products...
Bea: I take that as a compliment! HAHAHAH, I love you!
Mame: Of course you do.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Overheard In Rite Aid (Sadly, Not New York)
So, I'm standing in line to purchase various drug store item (Ask anyone about my terrible drug [store] addiction) and overhear a male manager is telling a female cashier some scandalous story about another employee. The woman waiting on me is practically hopping with the urge to finish my transaction and go hear this tale of woe or incompetence. She scampers over and the manager laughs and says, "Yup, there's three methods of communication: telephone, telefax and tele-woman." The two women with him actually laugh and he chuckles doofily. I shoot him a death glare and mutter "asshole" under my breath as I stomp out of the store.
Seriously? I think that comment was last made in like, 1965. I may have heard it on Mad Men. No, wait. Mad Men is never that stupid. But ugh. And what makes this so hilarious, the GUY was the one who was gossiping! Oh, I'm sure to him, he was just "disseminating important information to my subordinates." No, dude. You were gossiping about about an absent coworker. Live with it. Assface.
Seriously? I think that comment was last made in like, 1965. I may have heard it on Mad Men. No, wait. Mad Men is never that stupid. But ugh. And what makes this so hilarious, the GUY was the one who was gossiping! Oh, I'm sure to him, he was just "disseminating important information to my subordinates." No, dude. You were gossiping about about an absent coworker. Live with it. Assface.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Introducing Conan the Baby-rian (Yes, that's a terrible joke. No, I don't care.)
Here's how it all began...
December 30, 2007
I was spending New Year's with Mame and her family. On this particular evening, Mame, her husband Beau, his sister Agnes and I were playing 90s Trivial Pursuit. My cell phone rang and I GLADLY answered it because Beau was TROUNCING us. I mean, really. It was brutal. I looked at the Caller ID and it's Andie, which was a little odd, since she knows I'm visiting Mame.
Me: Hello?
Andie: [deep breath] I'm pregnant. Again.
At this point, Mothra, her older son (and my godson, in case you'd forgotten!) had just had his first birthday. In her voice was a mixture of happiness and sheer terror. I heard similar emotion from Sid, chattering in the background. I went into the other room and we talked for awhile. Hey, I wasn't the pregnant one, I was excited! Babies are awesome! They were excited too, just scared.
By the time I talked to them a few days later while I waited for a MILLION HOURS at the airport on my way home, they are totally psyched. I then started suggesting ridiculous baby names.
March 2008
I went to visit Sid, Andie and Mothra and we had an awesome time. Mothra is freaking ADORABLE. And incredibly bright and intense, affectionate and funny. Andie and I got together with our friend from college, Dr. Fabulous, whom we haven't seen in YEARS. The three of us met for tea/lunch, which turned into hanging out at Sid and Andie's house, which turned into dinner, which turned into sitting up and talking until pretty late at night. It rocked.
Andie's starting to show at this point. Her due date was August 30th. I patted her belly constantly (with her permission of course!), and so did Sid. When she and Mothra dropped me at the airport, I gave all three of them a kiss goodbye -- Andie, Mothra and Andie's belly.
May 2008
Andie and Sid called me one day, cracking up. They hadn't wanted to know the sex of the baby when Andie was pregnant with Mothra and they didn't want to know for this one either. I fully supported this decision because hey, there are not many real surprises in life, right?
Sid: We had an ultrasound today! (Sid speaks in perpetual exclamation points when talking about his kids. It's pretty cute.)
Me: Yeah?
Sid: We didn't mean to, but we could tell the sex!
Me: A boy, huh?
Sid: YES!
June 2008
My cell phone rang one day while I was at work. I remembered that Andie had a baby doctor appointment that day and was supposed to call me after. I answered and it's Sid, telling me in carefully controlled tones that something was off about the baby's heartbeat and they were taking Andie to the hospital in an ambulance. He was fighting rush hour traffic to get there and could I please call her and keep her company. As soon as I hang up with him, Andie's calling me.
Andie: So, I'm in an ambulance.
Me: Yeah, I heard. What's going on?
Andie tells me that the baby's heartbeat had been CRAZY fast and they needed to get it back to normal. She sounded calm, but tense. I could tell she was scared.
Me: Well, are your EMTs hot?
Andie: They are not bad-looking. One of them offered to let me wear a helmet!
Me: Um, are you?
Andie was admitted to the hospital, put on a bunch of medication and after a few days, sent home.
Andie: Maybe I'm giving birth to a hummingbird. You know? Because his heart's so fast?
Me: Hey, that's fine. We'll chase him around with sugar water and red things! He'll be a VERY HAPPY LITTLE HUMMINGBIRD.
I then refer to the baby as "the hummingbird" pretty much until he's born.
The she was put in the hospital AGAIN, because the baby's heart rate was still crazy. The situation is getting dire, they baby's heart rate CANNOT continue like this. If they can't get it down, they might have to deliver, which would be really early. And early is not good. At this point, I drove out to see them and help out with Mothra.
Sid and I had quite the adventure wrangling a rather out-of-sorts Mothra. He was tantrummy and cranky and missed his mom. Not hard to understand, but trying to deal with. The next day, we took Mothra to daycare and went to hang out with Andie at the hospital. We learn that the baby's heart rate has been stable for almost 24 hours. If he hits the 24-hour mark, Andie can go home. I got to see an ultrasound of the baby's heart and watch them do...something where you could hear the heartbeat and see little soundwaves on a screen. It was one of the coolest things I've ever seen.
Much later, a nurse comes in while the three of us are playing 80s Trivial Pursuit (see a theme?) and tells Andie she's being discharged. I have never seen a pregnant woman move so fast as Andie did to get dressed and packed to go. No lie, we cleared that room in like, 10 minutes. I leave a few days later, feeling much better about the whole situation, having had a stern talk with the Hummingbird about CALMING DOWN and not scaring us anymore.
July 2008
During one of Andie's tri-weekly doctor visits, they discovered that the Hummingbird's heart rate was STILL beating far too quickly and there were other problems as well. The doctors were going to try a new medication and give it 24 hours. If his heart isn't settled down by then, they were going to induce.
Instead of inducing, they ended up doing an emergency c-section.
(Note: Part Two to follow, but everything turned out fine. Andie is fine and Baby Conan [Formerly The Hummingbird] is doing well. )
December 30, 2007
I was spending New Year's with Mame and her family. On this particular evening, Mame, her husband Beau, his sister Agnes and I were playing 90s Trivial Pursuit. My cell phone rang and I GLADLY answered it because Beau was TROUNCING us. I mean, really. It was brutal. I looked at the Caller ID and it's Andie, which was a little odd, since she knows I'm visiting Mame.
Me: Hello?
Andie: [deep breath] I'm pregnant. Again.
At this point, Mothra, her older son (and my godson, in case you'd forgotten!) had just had his first birthday. In her voice was a mixture of happiness and sheer terror. I heard similar emotion from Sid, chattering in the background. I went into the other room and we talked for awhile. Hey, I wasn't the pregnant one, I was excited! Babies are awesome! They were excited too, just scared.
By the time I talked to them a few days later while I waited for a MILLION HOURS at the airport on my way home, they are totally psyched. I then started suggesting ridiculous baby names.
March 2008
I went to visit Sid, Andie and Mothra and we had an awesome time. Mothra is freaking ADORABLE. And incredibly bright and intense, affectionate and funny. Andie and I got together with our friend from college, Dr. Fabulous, whom we haven't seen in YEARS. The three of us met for tea/lunch, which turned into hanging out at Sid and Andie's house, which turned into dinner, which turned into sitting up and talking until pretty late at night. It rocked.
Andie's starting to show at this point. Her due date was August 30th. I patted her belly constantly (with her permission of course!), and so did Sid. When she and Mothra dropped me at the airport, I gave all three of them a kiss goodbye -- Andie, Mothra and Andie's belly.
May 2008
Andie and Sid called me one day, cracking up. They hadn't wanted to know the sex of the baby when Andie was pregnant with Mothra and they didn't want to know for this one either. I fully supported this decision because hey, there are not many real surprises in life, right?
Sid: We had an ultrasound today! (Sid speaks in perpetual exclamation points when talking about his kids. It's pretty cute.)
Me: Yeah?
Sid: We didn't mean to, but we could tell the sex!
Me: A boy, huh?
Sid: YES!
June 2008
My cell phone rang one day while I was at work. I remembered that Andie had a baby doctor appointment that day and was supposed to call me after. I answered and it's Sid, telling me in carefully controlled tones that something was off about the baby's heartbeat and they were taking Andie to the hospital in an ambulance. He was fighting rush hour traffic to get there and could I please call her and keep her company. As soon as I hang up with him, Andie's calling me.
Andie: So, I'm in an ambulance.
Me: Yeah, I heard. What's going on?
Andie tells me that the baby's heartbeat had been CRAZY fast and they needed to get it back to normal. She sounded calm, but tense. I could tell she was scared.
Me: Well, are your EMTs hot?
Andie: They are not bad-looking. One of them offered to let me wear a helmet!
Me: Um, are you?
Andie was admitted to the hospital, put on a bunch of medication and after a few days, sent home.
Andie: Maybe I'm giving birth to a hummingbird. You know? Because his heart's so fast?
Me: Hey, that's fine. We'll chase him around with sugar water and red things! He'll be a VERY HAPPY LITTLE HUMMINGBIRD.
I then refer to the baby as "the hummingbird" pretty much until he's born.
The she was put in the hospital AGAIN, because the baby's heart rate was still crazy. The situation is getting dire, they baby's heart rate CANNOT continue like this. If they can't get it down, they might have to deliver, which would be really early. And early is not good. At this point, I drove out to see them and help out with Mothra.
Sid and I had quite the adventure wrangling a rather out-of-sorts Mothra. He was tantrummy and cranky and missed his mom. Not hard to understand, but trying to deal with. The next day, we took Mothra to daycare and went to hang out with Andie at the hospital. We learn that the baby's heart rate has been stable for almost 24 hours. If he hits the 24-hour mark, Andie can go home. I got to see an ultrasound of the baby's heart and watch them do...something where you could hear the heartbeat and see little soundwaves on a screen. It was one of the coolest things I've ever seen.
Much later, a nurse comes in while the three of us are playing 80s Trivial Pursuit (see a theme?) and tells Andie she's being discharged. I have never seen a pregnant woman move so fast as Andie did to get dressed and packed to go. No lie, we cleared that room in like, 10 minutes. I leave a few days later, feeling much better about the whole situation, having had a stern talk with the Hummingbird about CALMING DOWN and not scaring us anymore.
July 2008
During one of Andie's tri-weekly doctor visits, they discovered that the Hummingbird's heart rate was STILL beating far too quickly and there were other problems as well. The doctors were going to try a new medication and give it 24 hours. If his heart isn't settled down by then, they were going to induce.
Instead of inducing, they ended up doing an emergency c-section.
(Note: Part Two to follow, but everything turned out fine. Andie is fine and Baby Conan [Formerly The Hummingbird] is doing well. )
Thursday, May 8, 2008
A Grammar Lesson!
Meanwhile, on the phone:
Bea: I'm going to put up a post on the blog about what order you should read the Little House books in.*
Mame: HA! You just ended that sentence in a preposition! You suck.
Bea: I'm going to put up a post on the blog about what order you should read the Little House books in, FUCKFACE.
Mame: MUCH better.
*I really am. Expect it soon!
Bea: I'm going to put up a post on the blog about what order you should read the Little House books in.*
Mame: HA! You just ended that sentence in a preposition! You suck.
Bea: I'm going to put up a post on the blog about what order you should read the Little House books in, FUCKFACE.
Mame: MUCH better.
*I really am. Expect it soon!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Mame Has The Consumption or Maybe It's Just The Flu. HAVE SOME DRAMA!
Via AIM:
Bea: HI!
Mame: hello. i am SO sick.
Bea: What's wrong with you? DO NOT DIE. You are NOT ALLOWED to DIE. NO DYING!!
Mame: Well, the doctor says that it's a sinus infection and don't need a prescription but CLEARLY, I have tuberculosis and only have a few weeks to live.
Bea: NO. I am NOT ready to go on the John Edward show.*
Mame: My doctor confirmed the sad, sad news. And even though she held my knee and said, "Look me in the eye, for the LAST TIME: THIS IS NOT TUBERCULOSIS!" But, I knew what she really meant was, "Mame, I'm sorry but it is tuberculosis and it is incurable."
Bea: HA HA HA, ILU and I'm sending you red silk handkerchiefs right now...
Mame: And when the doctor said, "Mame, even if it were TB, which I cannot say more than enough times that it is not, TB is treatable now. But it's not. TB. It's NOT." But what I heard was, "I hope you enjoy the dry state of Arizona."
Bea: And when she said, "No, you're not contagious," all you heard was, "DO NOT EVER kiss your husband or child again, for fear of contaminating them with your infliction."
Mame: When I showed her the bloody mucus, all she could say was, "Mame, FIRST OF ALL, warn a girl before you shove that in her face and secondly, that's a normal side effect of coughing," but again, all I heard was, "Mame...I'm sorry, please dedicate your memoirs to me."
Bea: Then when she said, "No, you don't need a prescription," what you heard was, "No, nothing can help you, except perhaps a good bleeding. Here, let me fetch the leeches..."
Mame: When I held the Hand of Death during a coughing fit, it said, "Excuse me? Miss? I'm just the janitor. I can't...seriously, let me go!" but what I heard was, "I am Almighty Death, but I realize that it is not your time. Yet."
Bea: HAHAHAHAHA. That wasn't the receptionist at the front desk in white scrubs. IT WAS AN ANGEL, OK? AN ANGEL WITH A SCHEDULING BOOK, SHUT UP.
Mame: Heheh.
Bea: And I will come visit you in the sanitorium and read to you from edifying novels that will raise your spirits. Um, the Bible? Or Us Weekly?
Mame: DUH. You will read to me from AVONLEA. HELLO.
Bea: Of course I will!
*We have always said that when one of us dies, the other will go on John Edward's show. (The psychic, not the cute politician) and raise a ruckus until we get to talk to each other. Fuck that rose stuff, trust me, he won't need to interpret a thing. Heheheh.
Bea: HI!
Mame: hello. i am SO sick.
Bea: What's wrong with you? DO NOT DIE. You are NOT ALLOWED to DIE. NO DYING!!
Mame: Well, the doctor says that it's a sinus infection and don't need a prescription but CLEARLY, I have tuberculosis and only have a few weeks to live.
Bea: NO. I am NOT ready to go on the John Edward show.*
Mame: My doctor confirmed the sad, sad news. And even though she held my knee and said, "Look me in the eye, for the LAST TIME: THIS IS NOT TUBERCULOSIS!" But, I knew what she really meant was, "Mame, I'm sorry but it is tuberculosis and it is incurable."
Bea: HA HA HA, ILU and I'm sending you red silk handkerchiefs right now...
Mame: And when the doctor said, "Mame, even if it were TB, which I cannot say more than enough times that it is not, TB is treatable now. But it's not. TB. It's NOT." But what I heard was, "I hope you enjoy the dry state of Arizona."
Bea: And when she said, "No, you're not contagious," all you heard was, "DO NOT EVER kiss your husband or child again, for fear of contaminating them with your infliction."
Mame: When I showed her the bloody mucus, all she could say was, "Mame, FIRST OF ALL, warn a girl before you shove that in her face and secondly, that's a normal side effect of coughing," but again, all I heard was, "Mame...I'm sorry, please dedicate your memoirs to me."
Bea: Then when she said, "No, you don't need a prescription," what you heard was, "No, nothing can help you, except perhaps a good bleeding. Here, let me fetch the leeches..."
Mame: When I held the Hand of Death during a coughing fit, it said, "Excuse me? Miss? I'm just the janitor. I can't...seriously, let me go!" but what I heard was, "I am Almighty Death, but I realize that it is not your time. Yet."
Bea: HAHAHAHAHA. That wasn't the receptionist at the front desk in white scrubs. IT WAS AN ANGEL, OK? AN ANGEL WITH A SCHEDULING BOOK, SHUT UP.
Mame: Heheh.
Bea: And I will come visit you in the sanitorium and read to you from edifying novels that will raise your spirits. Um, the Bible? Or Us Weekly?
Mame: DUH. You will read to me from AVONLEA. HELLO.
Bea: Of course I will!
*We have always said that when one of us dies, the other will go on John Edward's show. (The psychic, not the cute politician) and raise a ruckus until we get to talk to each other. Fuck that rose stuff, trust me, he won't need to interpret a thing. Heheheh.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
A Short Play Re: iPods and Their Headphones
Dramatis Personae: Bea, Bea's Mom, Frank the iPod
[Bea blathers on about her iPod and music on it and playlists, pretty much as per usual. Bea's Mom is turning the headphones over in her hand.]
Bea's Mom: I didn't realize until YESTERDAY, that the headphones have a little "L" and an "R" on them. [laughs] Duh!
Bea: [blinks.]
Bea's Mom: You know, for left and right. [Bea is still blinking at her.] FOR WHICH EAR TO PUT THEM IN?
Bea: Um, they do? [looks at headphones.] OH! They do! Is that why sometimes I can't hear very well and then I freak out and worry that I'm going deaf? OH! Good! I'm just STUPID! What a relief!
Bea's Mom: [shakes head.]
fin.
[Bea blathers on about her iPod and music on it and playlists, pretty much as per usual. Bea's Mom is turning the headphones over in her hand.]
Bea's Mom: I didn't realize until YESTERDAY, that the headphones have a little "L" and an "R" on them. [laughs] Duh!
Bea: [blinks.]
Bea's Mom: You know, for left and right. [Bea is still blinking at her.] FOR WHICH EAR TO PUT THEM IN?
Bea: Um, they do? [looks at headphones.] OH! They do! Is that why sometimes I can't hear very well and then I freak out and worry that I'm going deaf? OH! Good! I'm just STUPID! What a relief!
Bea's Mom: [shakes head.]
fin.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
A Short Play Re: My Chemical Romance
Dramatis Personae: Bea, her co-workers Snowflower and Corey and My Chemical Romance
Scene: My office
Time: Mid-afternoon
Background Music: "The Black Parade," My Chemical Romance
[Bea sits at her desk, patiently working while listening to My Chemical Romance for approximately the 100th time that day. Snowflower enters office, with Corey in tow to ask a question.]
Snowflower: Hey Bea, where is...you're STILL listening to this!? You are going to make me HATE this song!
Bea: Ok, you know WHAT?! I'm not any happier about this EITHER, but I will LISTEN to this cd until I am DONE with it. You are all just going to have to SUFFER ALONG WITH ME. I'M SORRY.
[The sound of crickets chirping and also "When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city..."]
[Snowflower and Corey back slowly out of the office and shut the door.]
Scene.
Scene: My office
Time: Mid-afternoon
Background Music: "The Black Parade," My Chemical Romance
[Bea sits at her desk, patiently working while listening to My Chemical Romance for approximately the 100th time that day. Snowflower enters office, with Corey in tow to ask a question.]
Snowflower: Hey Bea, where is...you're STILL listening to this!? You are going to make me HATE this song!
Bea: Ok, you know WHAT?! I'm not any happier about this EITHER, but I will LISTEN to this cd until I am DONE with it. You are all just going to have to SUFFER ALONG WITH ME. I'M SORRY.
[The sound of crickets chirping and also "When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city..."]
[Snowflower and Corey back slowly out of the office and shut the door.]
Scene.
Monday, September 17, 2007
A Short Play Entitled: That's What Friends Are For, Bitches!
CHARACTERS: Bea, Mame, Jensen Ackles (Ha.)
SCENE: The local Target, the DVD aisle
TIME: Today, around 5:30 pm
Bea: [dials cell phone]
Mame: Hey! What's up?
Bea: I need you to possibly talk me out of something.
Mame: Ok. Go.
Bea: I'm standing here in Target and I have the fourth season of Smallville in my hand and I need you to tell me whether or not to buy it.
Mame. No.
Bea: But...
Mame: No.
Bea: But Jensen Ackles is in it and --
Mame: NO.
Bea: But he's really cute and he's goes evil and --
Mame: NO.
Bea: But it's only $19.99!
Mame: Save your money for the third season of The Office. At least you LIKE that show.
Bea: [pause.] This is a bad purchase, isn't it?
Mame: Yes.
Bea: I won't be able to live with myself if I buy this DVD set, will I?
Mame: No.
Bea: And you won't be able to live with me either.
Mame: No. No, I won't.
Bea: And I can get it from Netflix, can't I?
Mame: Well, I'm not going to tell you to, but you can. But I don't recommend it. You hate Smallville.
Bea: [places DVD set gingerly back on shelf. looks around to see if anyone is watching. a TARGET TEAM MEMBER is looking at her with amusement and a flicker of understanding. and possibly pity.] Whew! The insanity has passed! That was close. You're a good friend.
Mame: That I am, friend. That I am.
Bea: Thank you! [closes cell phone.]
Mame: [closes cell phone. stares at closed phone and shakes her head.]
[exeunt.]
SCENE: The local Target, the DVD aisle
TIME: Today, around 5:30 pm
Bea: [dials cell phone]
Mame: Hey! What's up?
Bea: I need you to possibly talk me out of something.
Mame: Ok. Go.
Bea: I'm standing here in Target and I have the fourth season of Smallville in my hand and I need you to tell me whether or not to buy it.
Mame. No.
Bea: But...
Mame: No.
Bea: But Jensen Ackles is in it and --
Mame: NO.
Bea: But he's really cute and he's goes evil and --
Mame: NO.
Bea: But it's only $19.99!
Mame: Save your money for the third season of The Office. At least you LIKE that show.
Bea: [pause.] This is a bad purchase, isn't it?
Mame: Yes.
Bea: I won't be able to live with myself if I buy this DVD set, will I?
Mame: No.
Bea: And you won't be able to live with me either.
Mame: No. No, I won't.
Bea: And I can get it from Netflix, can't I?
Mame: Well, I'm not going to tell you to, but you can. But I don't recommend it. You hate Smallville.
Bea: [places DVD set gingerly back on shelf. looks around to see if anyone is watching. a TARGET TEAM MEMBER is looking at her with amusement and a flicker of understanding. and possibly pity.] Whew! The insanity has passed! That was close. You're a good friend.
Mame: That I am, friend. That I am.
Bea: Thank you! [closes cell phone.]
Mame: [closes cell phone. stares at closed phone and shakes her head.]
[exeunt.]
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