Thursday, March 18, 2010

A Short Play Concerning Motherhood, Woes and WebMD

Bea: Oh, look. A missed call from Mame. [redials.] Hey!

Mame: I'd about given up on you.

Bea: Um...

Mame: I need you to do something for me.

Bea: Ok...

Mame: I need you to look up my symptoms on WedMD because I'm too scared.

Bea: No. I'm not doing that. That way lies madness. What's wrong?

Mame: I'm having these pains above my left hip. It REALLY hurts.

Bea: between your belly and your hip?

Mame: Yes!

Bea: Yeah, that's your whatchamacallits stretching. Because you're like, a million months pregnant. You know...those things...they start with an "L..."

Mame: Ligaments?

Bea: Yeah, those. Andie* was just complaining to me about that. You're fine. If it's still bothering you tomorrow, call your doctor.

Mame: But what if it's my appendix? And I have appendicitis? And me AND the baby die of sepsis? HUH? WHAT. THEN.

Bea: Your appendix is on your right side.

Mame: ...Oh. Well, what if it's my gall bladder?

Bea: [quick Google search] Your gall bladder is also on your right side.


Bea: Yes. Yes, I did. But it's on your RIGHT side.

Mame: What if it's my kidneys?

Bea: Your kidneys are in your back. You're fine. You're pregnant. Go to bed.


Bea: I know you do.


*Andie is also pregnant! She and Mame are due within weeks of each other! It's a very exciting time!


EGT said...

I feel it is very unlikely to have appendicitis without another symptom, like a fever or vomiting. Also, I was told by a nurse friend once that you can diagnose appendicitis by seeing whether or not you can jump. She may have just been telling me this so that I stopped asking her if I have appendicitis, because now I just jump to check, but, there you go.

Beau said...

I knew a guy whose doctor told him that too. One day he thought he had an appendicitis, so he jumped and his appendix burst out of his side. It was gross. I saw it.
With love,

Doug Jeffreys said...

A review by a famous and learned critic: The plot was weak. I was never interested. Although the part of Mame was played with gusto and verve and Bea had a delightful cameo role. A puckish satire of contemporary mores. A droll spoof aimed more at the heart than the head. Bea should continue to write and refine her style. She should perhaps seek the wisdom of a trusted elder, perhaps her beloved uncle. I see bright things in her future.

Dr. Fabulous said...

AW. That's what friends do - they talk us out of our madness. :)