Bea: Oh, look. A missed call from Mame. [redials.] Hey!
Mame: I'd about given up on you.
Bea: Um...
Mame: I need you to do something for me.
Bea: Ok...
Mame: I need you to look up my symptoms on WedMD because I'm too scared.
Bea: No. I'm not doing that. That way lies madness. What's wrong?
Mame: I'm having these pains above my left hip. It REALLY hurts.
Bea: Uh-huh...like between your belly and your hip?
Mame: Yes!
Bea: Yeah, that's your whatchamacallits stretching. Because you're like, a million months pregnant. You know...those things...they start with an "L..."
Mame: Ligaments?
Bea: Yeah, those. Andie* was just complaining to me about that. You're fine. If it's still bothering you tomorrow, call your doctor.
Mame: But what if it's my appendix? And I have appendicitis? And me AND the baby die of sepsis? HUH? WHAT. THEN.
Bea: Your appendix is on your right side.
Mame: ...Oh. Well, what if it's my gall bladder?
Bea: [quick Google search] Your gall bladder is also on your right side.
Mame: YOU JUST LOOKED THAT UP.
Bea: Yes. Yes, I did. But it's on your RIGHT side.
Mame: What if it's my kidneys?
Bea: Your kidneys are in your back. You're fine. You're pregnant. Go to bed.
Mame: FINE. I HATE YOU.
Bea: I know you do.
Fin.
*Andie is also pregnant! She and Mame are due within weeks of each other! It's a very exciting time!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
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4 comments:
I feel it is very unlikely to have appendicitis without another symptom, like a fever or vomiting. Also, I was told by a nurse friend once that you can diagnose appendicitis by seeing whether or not you can jump. She may have just been telling me this so that I stopped asking her if I have appendicitis, because now I just jump to check, but, there you go.
I knew a guy whose doctor told him that too. One day he thought he had an appendicitis, so he jumped and his appendix burst out of his side. It was gross. I saw it.
With love,
"Beau"
A review by a famous and learned critic: The plot was weak. I was never interested. Although the part of Mame was played with gusto and verve and Bea had a delightful cameo role. A puckish satire of contemporary mores. A droll spoof aimed more at the heart than the head. Bea should continue to write and refine her style. She should perhaps seek the wisdom of a trusted elder, perhaps her beloved uncle. I see bright things in her future.
AW. That's what friends do - they talk us out of our madness. :)
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