A Short Play Entitled: That's What Friends Are For, Bitches!

CHARACTERS: Bea, Mame, Jensen Ackles (Ha.)

SCENE: The local Target, the DVD aisle

TIME: Today, around 5:30 pm

Bea: [dials cell phone]

Mame: Hey! What's up?

Bea: I need you to possibly talk me out of something.

Mame: Ok. Go.

Bea: I'm standing here in Target and I have the fourth season of Smallville in my hand and I need you to tell me whether or not to buy it.

Mame. No.

Bea: But...

Mame: No.

Bea: But Jensen Ackles is in it and --

Mame: NO.

Bea: But he's really cute and he's goes evil and --

Mame: NO.

Bea: But it's only $19.99!

Mame: Save your money for the third season of The Office. At least you LIKE that show.

Bea: [pause.] This is a bad purchase, isn't it?

Mame: Yes.

Bea: I won't be able to live with myself if I buy this DVD set, will I?

Mame: No.

Bea: And you won't be able to live with me either.

Mame: No. No, I won't.

Bea: And I can get it from Netflix, can't I?

Mame: Well, I'm not going to tell you to, but you can. But I don't recommend it. You hate Smallville.

Bea: [places DVD set gingerly back on shelf. looks around to see if anyone is watching. a TARGET TEAM MEMBER is looking at her with amusement and a flicker of understanding. and possibly pity.] Whew! The insanity has passed! That was close. You're a good friend.

Mame: That I am, friend. That I am.

Bea: Thank you! [closes cell phone.]

Mame: [closes cell phone. stares at closed phone and shakes her head.]

[exeunt.]