Sunday, June 17, 2007

Someone's at the dowoh...*

So, since Mame decided to tell the story of my complete and total meltdown in the face of a little car trouble, I'm going to tell the tale of our late night encounter with...The Doorbell Rapist. Dun dun DUNNN!! Ahem. (Disclaimer: No, there wasn't really a rapist. It's a joke. No, we don't really think rapists are funny, generally. But in this context? TOTALLY funny.)

Let's jump in the Wayback Machine to the summer of 1999. I think. Mame and I are both on summer break from college and have picked up our codependent friendship right where it left off, pretty much spending every waking, non-working moment together. I was sleeping over at her house one night. (Yes, we had slumber parties into our twenties. And you know what? If Mame and I lived closer to each other, we'd STILL be having them, husband and baby nonwithstanding. Heh. I'm sure Beau is thankful for my lack of proximity. Hey buddy, she was mine first! Thaaat's not twisted at all.) We retired late, Mame in her bed, me in my nest on the floor. Mame's parents were tucked away in their own room; their door shut, air conditoner blasting. Sometime later, I become distantly aware of a ringing sound. You know how when you're asleep and there some kind of persistant noise in your vicinity, it sort of gets incorporated into your dreams? Yeah, that's what happened. Eventually, I wake up from from a dream of being chased by an alarm clock or something and realize that I WASN'T dreaming that ringing sound. It's real. Huh. I sit up, put my glasses on and look at the clock. HUH. It's 3 am. Mame is still dead to the world. Girlfriend sleeps like a LOG.

Me: [hissing] Mame!

Mame: Zzzzzzzzzz...

Me: MAME! Wake the fuck UP!

Mame: [snorfles] [face buried in pillow] What. What could you possibly want right now?

Me: Dude. Is your doorbell ringing?

Mame: [face still in pillow] Better NOT be.
(Now Dear Readers, let me break in and tell you that I'm not sure I'm really conveying how HILARIOUS this was. Mame managed to sound annoyed, disbelieving, sullen, half-asleep and with the added bonus of having her face half-buried in the bedding. I still crack up when I think of it eight years later. Heee.)

Me: Well, listen. I think it IS. And if it IS, it's been ringing for AWHILE.

All of the sudden, Mame is up and out of bed like a shot. Her parents? Haven't heard a thing. Still snoring away. And I don't know about you, but a REALLY PERSISTANTLY RINGING doorbell in the middle of the night is creepy as hell. Seriously, it's usually either the cops or the S.W.A.T. team. Everyone else has the sense to go the hell away. Mame goes to answer the door and I prepare to pull the covers back over my head but she yanks me out of my comfy nest. "Oh no, if I'm getting murdered, SO ARE YOU." So I follow her down the hall, saying comforting things like, "Ooooh...wonder who it is! Maybe it's the DOORBELL RAPIST!" "Don't aaaaanswer it, Maaaaaame!" And Mame is smacking me and tremulously telling me to shut up. It was fun. So we get to the door, and peer through the peephole. And instead of the black-clad, duct-tape-and-taser-carrying, hulking psychopath standing on the front porch, there's Mame's neighbor, wearing her bathrobe and a supreme bitchface.

Mame: Um. Hi? Why are you...

Angry Neighbor: Your. Dog. Has. Been. Barking. FOR. HOURS. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. PLEASE. SHUT HIM UP!!!

And then she stomps off. And now that she mentions it? With the front door open? We CAN hear Mame's dog barking. Huh. Couldn't hear a thing with the house all shut up and the AC on. We collapse into giggles and bring the dog in. Mame wonders aloud why Angry Neighbor didn't just call. We check the answering machine and sure enough, there are about half a dozen messages, becoming increasingly agitated, on the machine. Seriously, they were hilarious:

The first was all perky, "HI! Sorry to bother you! But I guess you don't realize that your dog is barking! We're getting ready to turn in for the night, so can you bring him in? Thanks!"

Later: "Hello? Maybe you didn't get my message earlier? Your dog is outside barking his little head off. It's getting awfully late. Please bring him in. Thank you."

Still later: "YOUR DOG IS STILL BARKING! Please get him the hell into your house! We need our rest too, you know! How can you NOT hear him?"

Even later: "HOW CAN HE STILL BE BARKING? IF YOU DON'T SHUT HIM UP, I'LL GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO BARK ABOUT! PAIN, THAT'S WHAT!!"

Finally: "George is getting his shotgun. I'll come over to see if I can rouse you people out of your COMAS enough to get the fucking dog where he belongs." **

Well. At least it didn't end violently. Heheh.

*The title is a total shout out to American Gothic. No, not the painting. The short-lived Shaun Cassidy-produced horror series starring Gary Cole as the devil and the little kid from Sling Blade. That show was good times. See? Every show I like gets cancelled.

**Phone conversations and death threats are TOTALLY exagerrated for comic effect. Sorry for any alarm this might have caused. I don't actually remember what the phone messages said, but they DID get increasingly angrier and therefore, more hilarious. Heee. And of course, WE were the jerks for leaving the dog out to bark his fool head off in the first place. NEIGHBORS DID NOTHING WRONG! Heh.

3 comments:

Dolly said...

Ahem....as a former resident of Mame's house (being firstborn and all) I MUST say that although I CAN see this happening, especially since our neighbors do not have AC to this day as far as I am aware....HOWEVER...I must say that I DO NOT see our neighbors wife cursing let alone dropping the f-bomb. Even if it was 3am!! Now, I may be wrong, as I was not there...but I do know the said neighbor and although she could get angry at times, ringing our doorbell at 3am was not a usual happening and I NEVER heard cursing. Sorry Bea....we will have to go to Mame as your only witness to corroborate your testimony...... Love ya, Bea!!!

Lady Bea said...

Sorry, Dolly. I've edited my post to reflect that the phone coversations were exagerrated for comic effect. It was still funny as hell.

Auntie Mame said...

Wow, I didn't realize Dolly was getting paid endorsments from our old neighbor.
Bea, it was hilarious and that's exactly as I remember it (of course it was 3AM and I was a bit, sleepy, but whatever).