Celebrity Boyfriends…or why most people are amazed to find out I am married.

I love John Travolta. Honestly. I have since he was Vinnie Bobarino in Welcome Back Kotter. This is the first in a line of many, many celebrities that I have pictured marrying and having a life with although the very first was John Travolta, an obsession that lasts even to this day. My husband knows that I would drop him in a hot minute if Travolta showed up at my door.

My second love died; Jonathan Brandis was a god in my world from about 13 until - - well let’s just say well beyond the ‘normal’ age of realizing that you’re too old for a celebrity boyfriend. At 14 I had my first real life boyfriend (aw, “big lips boy”) but Jonathan remained plastered on my walls and heart. At 16, my brother-in-law made fun of me for having so many pictures up of ‘the guy from SeaQuest DSV, so I took them down – and put them on the inside of my closet.
Lady Bea and I have long winded conversations about “what things would be like” were we to marry/be with one of our many loves. It’s never sexual in nature, just living with these people and (at times) being their ‘voice of reason.’

Here is an example of a typical conversation:

Mame: Alec [Baldwin] and I are no longer talking.
Bea: Because of this whole voicemail thing?
Mame: No, I knew he was crazy when we first fell in love.
Bea: Oh, because of the whole wanting-to-leave-30 Rock thing.
Mame: Exactly.
Bea: I’m glad that you knew he was crazy to begin with. But I’d be afraid of Kim, that was a messy divorce, she might come after you.
Mame: I’m not worried. I’ll sit my ass down behind the bulletproof glass of the bay window at the front our house drinking martinis while Kim throws a fit in the driveway because I can love Alec in a way that she couldn’t.
Bea: Haha. Wait, why is there bulletproof glass in your and Alec’s home?
Mame: Because I think he and I would have some terrific fights.
Bea: Way to think ahead.

Here is a (to date) list of celebrities that I fantasize having a life with:

1. John Travolta
2. Alec Baldwin
3. Leland Chapman (the son of Dog the Bounty Hunter. The one with the long hair, good GOD he is adorable)
4. Luke Wilson (the one without the f’ed up nose)
5. Jake Gyllenhall
6. Orlando Bloom (but only with the blond wig from Lord of the Rings)
7. Jonathan Brandis (I don’t care if he’s dead now, I could have saved him dammit!)
8. Chris Farley (see above)
9. Rudolph Valentino (good God, his acting, his EYES…dude…)
10. Jay Mewes (of Jay and Silent Bob fame)