Wherein I am a "horrible, horrible whore."

So, since my BFF Mame has been out of town in a cabin in the woods or something for like, the past week, I haven't talked to her in FOR. EV. ER. So, I thought I'd write a little something about some of our past adventures. (And no, I won't be talking about the alleged time that I jumped out of her moving car. BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED. NEVER. And if Mame says so, she's a damned liar. Well, one of us is. You decide.)

• The "City of Angels" Debacle: Go back to the summer of 1998. *Diddlyoop diddlyoop diddlyoop* The movie "City of Angels" is in the theatres. Mame and I attend a matinee showing, armed with popcorn, contraband candy and tissues. We've heard that this particular movie is a bit of a sob-fest. We're both a tad on the...emotional side. (understatement!) Anyway. The movie gets underway. (For those who've forgotten, never got around to seeing it or just have better things to do, a quick plot summary: Nicolas Cage is an angel (I know, right?) and escorts people's souls to Heaven when they die. I think. It's been awhile. Falls in love with Meg Ryan and her curly, curly hair. They hook up. Something tragic happens. Duh. The End. Also, if I remember correctly, you get to see Nic's unit. Which I could have skipped, but live and let live. Ahem.) So, in the opening scene, some kid is dying and Nic shows up to escort her little soul the join the bleedin' choir invisible. Mame is sobbing. Already! It's 5 minutes into the movie! (A quick sidenote (HA!): I'm what's known as an "Inappropriate Giggler." Particularly at sad movies when everyone else is crying. See also: Notebook, The.) I take one look at Auntie Mame's red, swollen eyes and start falling the fuck out laughing. This enrages the good Auntie, which frankly, makes me laugh all the harder. She then stands up in the middle of the mostly empty theatre and declares that I am a "HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WHORE!" And then she moves to another seat about two rows behind me. It took her another half hour or so to forgive me and let me sit next to her. Plus, I probably had the candy.

• The Video Store Incident: Cue to another bored, summer evening. Mame and I are perusing our local video store, looking to go on a "Cinematic Adventure." Nothing looks good. We've walked around the perimeter of the store at least three times, checking out the new releases. I either want to bail on this activity or rent one of our old standbys (Airplane! or Flowers in the Attic (Trust me, it's HILARIOUS) or stand-up comedy.) But no, Mame wants to look ONE MORE TIME. Fine. So, I start making completely ridiculous suggestions. Just to irritate her. And by the look on her face, it's totally working. SCORE! (In case you couldn't tell, I'm kind of a jerk.) So, I make one more stupid suggestion. Mame looks over at me, and just when I'm taking a step, she SHOVES me. Since I was off balance, I FALL ON MY ASS, in the middle of the store. *Needle scratching on record player* Everyone in the store is staring at us; as I'm sitting on the floor looking incredulous and Mame is horrified, hands covering her mouth. It was awesome. We beat a hasty retreat before someone called the cops and reported it as like, a domestic dispute or something.

• Planet Earth is blue: And finally, some fluffy, silly things we've done (Lest you think we're abusive harpies who probably shouldn't be allowed to play together anymore.): I was once Mame's date to a wedding. Another time, Mame drove me home at 3 am, wearing a flannel shirt, sweatpants and heels. We were kinda hoping that she would get pulled over. We've been known to sing stunning duets to various songs, particularly "Space Oddity" - I'm Ground Control, she's Major Tom. And we spent yesterday texting each other quotes from "Scrubs" and "The Office." I totally won that, by the way.

Well, Mame? REBUTTALS? Heh, I said, "butt." Heh. Heh. Heh.