Saturday, November 3, 2007

I hate to be 'this person' but...

Ok, so I'm not one to air my dirty laundry in public (unless it will make for a fabulous blog later), but I'm having some serious Mommie issues and I need to get them resolved. So I turn to you , dear viewers of the Internet: help me out.
Joan (my own version of Mommie Dearest) was never a good mother. After many years and many hundreds of dollars of therapy I've realized that she is sick. Joan has Munchhausen. She made Dolly and I sick or made us think we were sick as kids and we were hospitalized a lot. I have serious issues with math because of it. Like, a whole year of basic skills is missing from my education (it took hundreds of dollars of tutoring to tell me that). A lot of the crapiness of my childhood is because she is sick, I understand that. But I'm having such a hard time letting it go. I still get so angry over the years I thought I wouldn't be able to have children, that I thought I had a version of chron's disease, that I took medicine because I thought I was bipolar and had night terrors. I still get so angry over the fact that when I am upset I can't just run into someones arms and let them hold me (Beau's arms are always open, but I can't bring myself to use them), because crying was forbidden in our house, and you had to stop immediately. I still sob openly at those wet the bed commercials because for years I never knew that other people had that problem to; I was told I was abnormal because I wet the bed, and I was sick.
The adult in me understands that Frank (my father, affectionately named after Frank [the dad] from Everybody Loves Raymond) was gone a lot because his wife was sick and he thought his girls were to. The adult in me understands that he had battles with depression because his life was a nightmare. But the child in me cannot forgive any of it. The child in me gets angry that he wasn't there to protect us from her. The child in me gets angry that he believed her, and hit us too.
I'm coming to grips with the fact that until I deal with some of this anger I'll never start to heal, but how do you do it? How do you stop being angry? A decade has passed and time hasn't healed it yet. Any tips?

5 comments:

Mamma Mia said...

Believe it or not, I'm no longer mad at Sybil... but it took lots of therapy and an epiphany that every time I allowed my anger to control me it meant that she was STILL controlling my life. So when I get angry or upset I put that energy into something, even if it's just cleaning the kitchen. I find that physically putting things in order has sort of a symbolism for me, I make the association that putting my closet in order is putting my emotions in order, and when I'm done I find that it's usually past. But it never leaves completely and you have to accept that some days it is going to get the better of you, and that you need other people to pat you on the back and make it okay. I had some of that shit catch up with me last week after hearing about Sybil's visit to my brother's house and the shit she pulled there, but luckily I had someone to bring me home some beer and let me get it all of my chest and reassure me that my distaste for everything about that woman guarantees that I won't ever turn into her. But you gotta give it time, girl. I was 29 before I realized I wasn't pissed anymore.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me - I am friends with "Lady Bea," but I wanted to reassure you that most people go through this in some way or the other...just varying degrees. My mom is a control freak. After my dad recently passed away, I realized just how bad it was and how being a preacher's kid sucked. Our family had to be "perfect," which means no crying, never being sick, and basically never being yourself. It took a long time for me to stand up to her and say "no" to her...which she didn't handle very well since she was used to getting her own way. I have a lot of resentful feelings towards her and I also hate that my dad let her get this way and treat my sister and me this way. You will likely always carry a little of that around. Just recognizing that you aren't sick and that her behaviors towards you were wrong is a good step. I didn't even realize that my mom was as much of a control freak that she is until I got away from her. It is like she had brainwashed me into believing that I am some horrible person if I didn't do what she wanted. So, rest assured that you will get through this. Trust yourself and your friends who can and will provide you with unbiased opinions when you need it. "Lady Bea" is particularly helpful in this regard. Just venting helps me. I hope that this helps somewhat. ~Josephine

"Lady" Bea said...

First of all, babe, don't EVER apologize. It's exactly ok to feel how you feel, whether it's angry or whatever. We're all here for you, not matter what or when. That's Bylaw #1, for real.

Bea's mom said...

I am a fan of "while my mom is crazy there is always someone who has it worse" Hey your mom didn't give you to her boyfriend to sexually abuse OR you didn't have to live in the car because mom spent the rent money on speed and new spandex pants. It is shocking to realize how many people have issue with their parents- don't let it take too big of a part of your life. Be happy that you are already a better parent than you had. You have done so many things right and that includes having many people that love you.
XOXOXOXOXOXOOX Bea's mom

Martyfarty said...

Pumpkinhead,
I understand and agree with everything you said about your mom! In the 15 years I have been in this family I have always said she had some kind of Munchhousen thing going on. The big thing is you can't help what has happened in the past but, you don't have to let that affect your future. believe me she wouldn't admit she did anything wrong even if she thought she did. You have to forgive her and move on. You even said it your self, she has a sickness. I think holding a grudge is like lead poisoning, a little bit doesn't hurt you that much but alot is deadly. You have come out of it a good person in spite of it all. Besides look at me, I had no problems with my parents and I still suck at math! Anyway we love you here if you need anything give us a call.

P.S. Don't pick on my grammer and/or spelling