Family Visit

Ok, so this is an old entry that I have had sitting in Drafts forever. I went to visit family recently and I haven't blogged in FOREVER and want to get back into it, so it's sort of appropriate? I guess? But I kind of like it anyway.

Your grandmother will announce that during your and your Mom's upcoming visit, she's arranging a "Girls' Dinner," consisting of relatives you haven't seen in years. You will be very excited. Until you find out that the dinner is taking place at Ponderosa. You consider calling Ponderosa and asking if they will allow BYOB. Eventually, you decide this is probably not a good idea.

You and Mom will make the long drive to the Bible-Beltish Town. The cd player in Mom's car does not accept your Super-Special Mix CDs. And this makes you sad. Mom rolls her eyes. But she does let you drive her car and this hasn't happened oh, since EVER.

You: What ever happened to your rule about no one who you gave birth to being allowed to drive your car?
Mom: I'm tired of driving, that's what.
You: Oh. Hey, your car goes way faster than my car!
Mom: Duh.

You will pass a scary little church along that way whose bulletin board informs you, "HELL IS NOT A PARTY. ITS [sic] TORTURE THAT NEVER ENDS." You and Mom will gape at it and then FALL OUT laughing. Also, you'll tell everyone you know because, hey, maybe they think that Hell is a good time and knowing is half the battle, all that. Also, you and your entire family will bellow that phrase whenever remotely appropriate.

When you and Mom arrive at the dinner, you will narrowly avoid a bare-knuckle brawl with a TOTAL BITCH in the Ponderosa parking lot.

You: Maybe our Jersey attitudes are a little out-of-place here?
Mom: Whatever. You should totally go kick her in the ass.

Your Gram has gotten a "private room" at the Ponderosa. You wonder if this means you'll all be snorting coke off of stripper's asses AND eating steak, but you decide to leave that one unvoiced. Your Aunt Tia, cousin Brianna and Great-Aunt May are all there, along with several other cousins. Everyone hugs and sits down to catch up.

MUCH LATER...other cousins arrive. You lean over and whisper to your grandmother, "Yeah, so timeliness doesn't so much run in our family, huh?" She swats at you, but gives you a conspiratorial smile. A cousin walks in who you are completely certain that you've never met before, but you recognize her immediately as family. She looks at your Mom and exclaims, "We all look like our mothers!" You really, really concur.

Drinks (sadly, nonalcoholic ones) arrive and everyone starts talking at once. Topics of conversation include: four-hour erections, things found up people's butts, weddings, babies, who's in college, and cooking. We pass around pictures and scrapbooks. A cousin informs the assembled party that she has a photograph of a two-year old you climbing a chair in a dress and no diaper. You flatly deny that such a picture exists and will continue to do so, thank you very much. We tell and retell old family stories. Brianna pulls you aside and hisses, "Ok, I don't know half the people in there. Who ARE they?" You crack up.

You eat. You sneer at each other's food choices. Cousins bond over seafood allergies. You look at your cousin's wedding pictures and coo over her upcoming baby. It is a really, really good time.

You are not a person who puts a whole lot of stock in blood. You love your family because you love them, not because you have to. You have friends that you love like family. There are family members that you haven't spoken to in years and probably never will again. But, you are lucky enough to have family that you actually like. However. There is something to be said for a room full of people that can totally donate a kidney or bone marrow or something. Heh.