Movie Review: "House of Wax"

I know, I know. Surely you're asking yourself, "Self! How could Bea, a woman of such taste and class watch, much less post a review of, a piece of trash like House of Wax? With that disreputable Paris Hilton?" Are you all clutching your pearls now? Heee. Ok, that's not true. I'm trashy and enjoy trashy movies and everyone knows it. And House of Wax is indeed, terrible. But it's not as terrible as you might think. Oh, it's bad. It's just not unwatchably bad.

Allow me to set the scene...I'm at Sid and Andie's house (Remember them? The fools who asked me to be their baby's godmother?), chilling for the weekend. Sid and Andie are lovely people, wonderful friends and have awesome cable. I like to blatantly use their On Demand! to watch movies that I don't want to pay for. They generally indulge these whims, but mock me. As they should. But they both drew the line at House of Wax. Andie doesn't like scary movies and no one likes Paris Hilton. So, I bided my time. And waited until I was watching baby Mothra while his daddy worked and his mommy took a nap. I watch a great deal of questionable television with Mothra. He is an excellent companion for such things. I like to watch crappy movies and shows and run constant, snarky commentary at the television. (No, it doesn't answer me back. Yet.) But Mothra is a perfect viewing companion. He never tells me to shut it because he can't hear the dialogue. He always thinks I'm funny, especially if I make sound effects. Or stick my tongue out. Or wave a burpey cloth in his face. He's a easy audience. He's also four months old. Heh.

Back to the movie review. Ok, so, House of Wax. Something about a bunch of college kids on a road trip to a football game? Or something. Whatever. Doesn't really matter. They take a "short cut" and get hopelessly lost in some backwater that smells terrible, like something rotting. They decide to camp out and leave for their undetermined sporting event in the morning. Problem the first: WHY WOULD YOU STAY THERE?!?! IT SMELLS LIKE ROTTING FLESH! IT PROBABLY IS ROTTING FLESH!! (And by the way? It totally is.) Problem the second: WHY do these people keep taking short cuts? It never ends well! Some of the actors are pretty good. Elisha Cuthbert, formerly of 24 plays our good girl heroine, Carly. I was surprised, she's MUCH less annoying here than as Kim Bauer. I loathe Kim Bauer. Single-celled life forms loathe Kim Bauer. She's cute here. Her boyfriend Wade (Yeah, right. What the hell kind of name is that for anyone NOT playing a Lifetime tv movie rapist?), is played by Jared Padalecki. (Yes, from Supernatural and pretty much my whole reason for watching the movie. I'm lame like that. I watched an even worse horror movie called Devour just because Jensen Ackles was in it. I have no shame.) Padalecki is, of course, adorable and way too good for this crap. The movie also stars the detestable Chad Michael Murray. HAAAAATE. Oh, and you may have heard that Paris Hilton is in it too? Yeah, she dies horribly. It's very satisfying. The movie as a whole is pretty bad; poorly plotted, cardboard characters, mostly crappy dialogue and some ATROCIOUS acting. But it's fun because it's completely mockable. Paris Hilton's performance makes most porn stars look like Oscar winners. I'm not going to bother detailing the plot much. The car breaks down, blah blah, creepy abandoned town, wax museum, creepy wax people, almost everyone dies in bloody, digusting ways. Yeah, it was so gross, that I had to fast-forward through some of it. And NO, I am NOT watching Sam Winchester die in a gruesome fashion. So, I skipped it.

But anyway, Mothra and I had a blast. I'd bounce him on my knee or distract him with a shiny toy or the remote control if there was something on the screen he shouldn't be looking at, you know, like ultraviolence or Paris Hilton (No, he wasn't really WATCHING, he's four months old, for crying out loud!) and he'd offer a well-timed gurgle or coo at the stupidity of the characters or dialogue. He's a very discerning viewer. (Much like his taste in music...Mothra likes Snow Patrol and Leonard Cohen, but will SHRIEK if confronted with power ballads. I so love this kid.) He can't even sit up yet, but he's already got his "Are you fucking kidding me with this nonsense?" look down. He gets that from his mom. I recognized it immediately, because it's a look I've seen many, many times. Heh. I'll be very sad when the day comes that Mothra actually comprehends his surroundings and I have to censor our movies. Wait. Scratch that. No, I won't. Because that means I'll have a buddy to watch children's movies with! We'll be watching Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Finding Nemo, Mary Poppins, The Incredibles and Spirited Away! It'll be great! Now, he just has to grow up! But, really, we're in no hurry for that.